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Old 02-21-2009, 12:44 AM
 
Location: The Land of Oz
112 posts, read 411,662 times
Reputation: 124

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This is a question that I've talked about with my church elders. My husband had and affair. It was very emotional and he's having a hard time letting go. He got fired from his job last week because of all the trouble it caused him at his work. She was a coworker you see. Well he had to move back in with me for money reasons. I've been praying for him but he's so stubborn. He pushes the truth away from him. I warned him that things would get worse if he didn't leave this woman alone. Now all he has is disgrace and a wound. Nobody from office wants to have anything to do with him. That really hurt him. He's so angry and blames it on someone else. He says that this other person just wanted his job. But he was told that he was fired cause he lied about the relationship. Well, he's living here and he's so cruel to me. He doesn't talk to me. He was very sick with the flu a couple of days ago and never thanked me for taking care of him. I've had two dreams that he wanted to kill me. I feel like he doesn't want me. I'm hurting so bad cause I care about him and give him my all, like I believe Christ would want me to but he gives me nothing. He says he's just angry about the situation. I feel like I'm go crazy!!!!!!!! I'm always praying and reading scripture but when he pushes himself away like this it just tears my heart to pieces. My church family has mixed feelings about this. Some think that God is letting him get down to the bottom and he might repent. Others think cause of the affair that I should just go and start a new life, maybe marry a Christian. I know that God hates divorce but I'm confused about this. I've been praying that the Lord would have mercy on him and bring him to his senses before it's to late. I also feel like if I leave I'm giving up on him. I don't think Jesus would want me to do that! I'd like to know what other Christian brothers and sisters out there think about this. When my heart is hurting and I want to leave am I being selfish? Can I leave and remarry? I feel so unloved by the man I love dearly. I'm worried I might give up! Being unequally yoked was not by choice. I wasn't a Christian when we got married. My husband wont even tell me what he wants. He doesn't talk to me.I want to be respected and loved is that wrong?
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Old 02-21-2009, 12:48 AM
 
Location: southern california
50,245 posts, read 47,554,186 times
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if he had an affair the marriage contract is already broken and he is not your husband.
its not about you at all.
if you wana renew its up to you.
i would not.
cheating is usually not a 1 shot deal
but then i am told, i am pretty hard.
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:39 AM
 
Location: The Land of Oz
112 posts, read 411,662 times
Reputation: 124
Thank you for your reply. I wanted to know what others think about this. It's hard to take someone back after they've cheated on you but I believe in forgiveness and 1Cornith. 13 says that love keeps no record of wrongs, love forgives, love is patient, love never gives up. I try to live by God's Word the best I can. But I'm confused on what to do here. Plus I don't see anything about a woman getting a divorce because her husband cheated. It says if the wife was the cheater the man could divorce her. It only says that the woman must not leave her husband but if she does she can't remarry or she must get back with him. I'm confused!!!!!! MY heart wants me to stay with him but he's hurting me so bad. Or am I just beating a dead horse?
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:49 AM
 
Location: Twin Cities
3,525 posts, read 5,798,868 times
Reputation: 5752
Wow, you are an amazing woman! You have such a strong faith, you're wise and you seem to have a tender heart for God. What I'm about to share is truly my own opinion based on my and my wife's experiences. I truly hope it helps as you make your decision.

You are correct when you say God hates divorce. It doesn't mean you can't do it, it simply means that He really doesn't want you to do it. Why? I believe it's because He knows the pain is so extreme no matter the situation. My in-laws were divorced long before I met them. They'd been at least 15 years when my wife and I married. Having grown up in a family where my parents were still married it blew my away at how much destruction was still in their lives. My wife still felt a hole in her life and actually to this day still struggles with her parents divorce.

My father in law, while content in his decision, still felt remorse over leaving his wife. They were not believers and it wasn't until much later that everyone prayed to receive Christ into their lives, including my wife's stepmom.

Sadly, even today after having been married more than 20 years, my stepmom still despises my wife. She treats her so badly that we rarely get to see her dad. It's very obvious to me that there is still a lot of guilt over the divorce.

I'm sharing this because whether you have children involved or not, choosing to divorce will affect your emotional state for the rest of your life. It truly bothers me that there are so many Christians telling you to divorce him because he cheated on you. Yes, it was a very bad thing that he did and in God's eyes you can divorce. However it doesn't mean you should divorce.

It's my opinion that divorce can be an easy out. Think about this. Even though you were not believers when you married, why did you marry him? What attracted you to him? Did you love him? Do you still genuinely still love him? Does he still love you?

Have you talked about the infidelity to the point that he knows how you feel? My father was unfaithful to my mother numerous times during their marriage and she continued to love him and accept him back. It doesn't mean she was a doormat and that she didn't stick up for herself. There was a lot of fighting, but they did survive. While neither have the Lord in their lives, they've fought to keep their marriage...and many times it was a one-sided fight for long periods of time. They will celebrate 45 years of marriage later this year. By all rights they could have both divorced one another for infidelities and many other things. But they chose to take the hard road because they knew their love could last.

In regards to how your husband is acting/feeling with the loss of his job, it so reminds me of when I was fired from a job because of gay pornography found on my work laptop. I was utterly devastated and for months would not talk to my wife. She did not know the truth behind why I was fired until many years later. When she did find out, she was understandably upset. She had every right to divorce me and I treated her very badly. I treated her bad because I was so unhappy with my life, with my loss of job and friends. My job was my world.

One day when she and I were talking she commented she'd seen a Christian counselor. He strongly urged her to divorce me because of my past issues with porn...specifically because it was same-sex. I was furious. I mean extremely furious that I almost went to find that counselor and beat him within an inch of his life. Course I didn't but I sure wanted to. I was angry. That anger showed me that I did still love my wife...more than I realized. It's taken a lot of talking and praying to come to where we are today. Granted we are both believers and have been since before we were married. Just because two people are believers and married does not always make life easier. We're still sinners that make mistakes. We hurt one another, say mean things and are selfish. It doesn't make it right, but sadly it does happen.

Should you leave your husband? Don't listen to the Christians that are telling you to leave him. Sounds like they say the pasture is greener on the other side. I would recommend you consider counseling outside your church. If you're not sure where to turn I'd recommend looking for a Christian college or Bible college in your area that you know you can trust from a theological standpoint. Talk to the dean or one of the chair people as I know they will have many solid resources available.

I will put it out there that if you're in the Portland, Oregon area, Multnomah Bible College has amazing resources and an extremely godly staff.

I hope this helps and please know that you and your husband will be in my prayers. This is a tough road you're on and it probably feels very lonely right now. Not sure how you found City-Data but I guarantee you that there are many, many wonderful people here who are ready and willing to help out however they can. I've been a part of this forum for more than two years and have been helped through some very tough life situations. Even amidst the disagreements you may see on this forum, it is like a family and many people will have your back without thinking twice.
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:56 AM
 
Location: Long Island,New York
8,126 posts, read 8,435,033 times
Reputation: 2323
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicBoxBallerina74 View Post
This is a question that I've talked about with my church elders. My husband had and affair. It was very emotional and he's having a hard time letting go. He got fired from his job last week because of all the trouble it caused him at his work. She was a coworker you see. Well he had to move back in with me for money reasons. I've been praying for him but he's so stubborn. He pushes the truth away from him. I warned him that things would get worse if he didn't leave this woman alone. Now all he has is disgrace and a wound. Nobody from office wants to have anything to do with him. That really hurt him. He's so angry and blames it on someone else. He says that this other person just wanted his job. But he was told that he was fired cause he lied about the relationship. Well, he's living here and he's so cruel to me. He doesn't talk to me. He was very sick with the flu a couple of days ago and never thanked me for taking care of him. I've had two dreams that he wanted to kill me. I feel like he doesn't want me. I'm hurting so bad cause I care about him and give him my all, like I believe Christ would want me to but he gives me nothing. He says he's just angry about the situation. I feel like I'm go crazy!!!!!!!! I'm always praying and reading scripture but when he pushes himself away like this it just tears my heart to pieces. My church family has mixed feelings about this. Some think that God is letting him get down to the bottom and he might repent. Others think cause of the affair that I should just go and start a new life, maybe marry a Christian. I know that God hates divorce but I'm confused about this. I've been praying that the Lord would have mercy on him and bring him to his senses before it's to late. I also feel like if I leave I'm giving up on him. I don't think Jesus would want me to do that! I'd like to know what other Christian brothers and sisters out there think about this. When my heart is hurting and I want to leave am I being selfish? Can I leave and remarry? I feel so unloved by the man I love dearly. I'm worried I might give up! Being unequally yoked was not by choice. I wasn't a Christian when we got married. My husband wont even tell me what he wants. He doesn't talk to me.I want to be respected and loved is that wrong?
If he cheated on you,and is having a hard time letting it go,what does that tell you?He obviously no longer loves you the way you need and I don't think you'd ever be able to trust him again.I don't think you need to get the church involved because your heart and your head are telling you enough.
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Old 02-21-2009, 02:00 AM
 
Location: Canada
589 posts, read 928,068 times
Reputation: 242
I'm not sure but I read it somewhere that it is a sin of adultery to remarry or have sexual relationship with another person when your ex-spouse is still alive.

Last edited by wilvan; 02-21-2009 at 03:24 AM.. Reason: for clarity
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:14 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 2,392,621 times
Reputation: 512
This is a human decision, not a religious one based on prayer and faith, but common sense and personal feeling. Do what your heart and mind tell you, not anything else. This is up to you (and your spouse) and not anyone or anything else.

Your leaning towards "God" because your desperate and confused and in your heart don't WANT to leave your spouse. If you make a wrong decision you won't have to blame yourself, but "God", and that isn't right. If you choose to stay or leave its because you made that choice. Its too easy to claim God made you do it. Stand up, be an adult, make a decision that is best for you and stand by it. Done.
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:16 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 2,392,621 times
Reputation: 512
Quote:
Originally Posted by wilvan View Post
I'm not sure but I read it somewhere that it is a sin of adultery to remarry or have sexual relationship with another person when your ex-spouse is still alive.
a rule made by humans

lets just say adultery is wrong. period.

Legally (human laws) you are allowed to leave and get on with your life and find someone better suited to you.
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:41 AM
 
Location: New England
8,156 posts, read 13,074,288 times
Reputation: 3181
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicBoxBallerina74 View Post
This is a question that I've talked about with my church elders. My husband had and affair. It was very emotional and he's having a hard time letting go. He got fired from his job last week because of all the trouble it caused him at his work. She was a coworker you see. Well he had to move back in with me for money reasons. I've been praying for him but he's so stubborn. He pushes the truth away from him. I warned him that things would get worse if he didn't leave this woman alone. Now all he has is disgrace and a wound. Nobody from office wants to have anything to do with him. That really hurt him. He's so angry and blames it on someone else. He says that this other person just wanted his job. But he was told that he was fired cause he lied about the relationship. Well, he's living here and he's so cruel to me. He doesn't talk to me. He was very sick with the flu a couple of days ago and never thanked me for taking care of him. I've had two dreams that he wanted to kill me. I feel like he doesn't want me. I'm hurting so bad cause I care about him and give him my all, like I believe Christ would want me to but he gives me nothing. He says he's just angry about the situation. I feel like I'm go crazy!!!!!!!! I'm always praying and reading scripture but when he pushes himself away like this it just tears my heart to pieces. My church family has mixed feelings about this. Some think that God is letting him get down to the bottom and he might repent. Others think cause of the affair that I should just go and start a new life, maybe marry a Christian. I know that God hates divorce but I'm confused about this. I've been praying that the Lord would have mercy on him and bring him to his senses before it's to late. I also feel like if I leave I'm giving up on him. I don't think Jesus would want me to do that! I'd like to know what other Christian brothers and sisters out there think about this. When my heart is hurting and I want to leave am I being selfish? Can I leave and remarry? I feel so unloved by the man I love dearly. I'm worried I might give up! Being unequally yoked was not by choice. I wasn't a Christian when we got married. My husband wont even tell me what he wants. He doesn't talk to me.I want to be respected and loved is that wrong?
You have a couple things going on here IMHO.

First off, I want to tell you I empathize with you more than you know. The fact that you can still be in the same room with the person shows your heart is very compassionate...AND that there may be hope.

1. You "technically" CAN divorce per scripture. But, keep in mind it's not the "default automatic" button.

2. I think the situation you have right now is NOT healthy. Separate. You need to separate. Not divorce, just separate. You can not heal a marriage from this kind of trauma one sided. You simply can not.

Once you are separated, ask to seek some counsel together. If he won't...then you have to be patient. Let time go by. You can't make the other person "want too". If he decides on his own to try and save the marriage, you both then have a lot of work and healing ahead of you BUT you CAN DO IT...but you CAN NOT do it alone without his participation.

Again, my heart goes out to you and be sure the Lord is the wind at your back during this time.

Blessings,

Jay
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:44 AM
 
Location: New England
8,156 posts, read 13,074,288 times
Reputation: 3181
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackyfrost01 View Post
This is a human decision, not a religious one based on prayer and faith, but common sense and personal feeling. Do what your heart and mind tell you, not anything else. This is up to you (and your spouse) and not anyone or anything else.

Your leaning towards "God" because your desperate and confused and in your heart don't WANT to leave your spouse. If you make a wrong decision you won't have to blame yourself, but "God", and that isn't right. If you choose to stay or leave its because you made that choice. Its too easy to claim God made you do it. Stand up, be an adult, make a decision that is best for you and stand by it. Done.
Do us all a favor in the Christian forum...when a CHRISTIAN asks for help on the CHRISTIAN FORUM don't downplay their Christianity.

It would be like me going into the athiest forum on the same subject and saying "you need to find Jesus...it's because you are a lost sinner that you're in this position".

Wouldn't sound so compassionate would it?

Thanks.
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