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Old 05-11-2009, 11:07 AM
 
8,990 posts, read 8,212,085 times
Reputation: 723
Default How many <blank> does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hilarious Religious Lightbulb Jokes


How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.


How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.


How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????


How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.


How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.


How many independent, fundamental Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.


How many independent protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.


How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.


How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.


How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.


How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.


How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb. Another to replace the new with the old after shaking it and finding it can be revived with a second blessing.


How many United Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to change the light bulb. And ten more to organize a covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb service.


How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.


How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?


How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
300. 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb - those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation.


How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
They choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at their annual light bulb Sunday service, in which they will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted.

Last edited by Fundamentalist; 05-11-2009 at 11:18 AM..
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:20 AM
 
10,142 posts, read 4,378,719 times
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What does an Eternal Tormentist do if the light bulb burns out?

He burns down the house.
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:24 AM
 
8,990 posts, read 8,212,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eusebius View Post
What does an Eternal Tormentist do if the light bulb burns out?

He burns down the house.
I don't get it
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:27 AM
 
10,142 posts, read 4,378,719 times
Reputation: 727
They throw the baby out with the bath water.
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:56 AM
 
9,538 posts, read 4,939,137 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fundamentalist View Post
I don't get it
Fundy......don't try too!!
................
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Old 05-11-2009, 12:15 PM
 
10,142 posts, read 4,378,719 times
Reputation: 727
How many Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

They believe no light bulb should be thrown away because in the end they will all be changed.
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Old 05-11-2009, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Nowhere'sville
2,345 posts, read 2,439,220 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eusebius View Post
What does an Eternal Tormentist do if the light bulb burns out?

He burns down the house.
I get it! Good one!
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Old 05-11-2009, 02:33 PM
 
12,346 posts, read 14,142,058 times
Reputation: 14506
How many fundamentalists does it take to insult, hurt and be disrespectful to the other christians whose doctrine may differ, but read the same bible and follow the same savior and God? I am tired depressed and came here for a couple of minutes christian companionship before going back to the flood mess downstairs..God bless you all...
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Old 05-11-2009, 02:35 PM
 
8,990 posts, read 8,212,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Blue View Post
How many fundamentalists does it take to insult, hurt and be disrespectful to the other christians whose doctrine may differ, but read the same bible and follow the same savior and God?
I just quote scripture, if you say I am wrong or hurting you then prove it from scripture and I will stop
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Old 05-11-2009, 02:38 PM
 
8,990 posts, read 8,212,085 times
Reputation: 723
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniMae1 View Post
I get it! Good one!
I knew someone would say something like this. Well it is not a funny joke, in fact it is very insensitive because many Christians take the doctrines of hell very seriously because we have loved ones suffering in eternal torment right now as we speak, our fathers, our sisters, our brothers, our mothers, our grandmothers, our grand fathers, our best friends, our teachers, our role models, our wives, our husbands, our children.

Yes DaniMae the doctrine of hell is a very sensitive topic for us. It's not a joke and for people who claim we are the ones who don't love because we believe in "torture" you show a serious lack of discernment.
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