U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > North Carolina > Coastal North Carolina
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Reply Start New Thread
Old 03-09-2009, 09:41 PM
1 posts, read 11,357 times
Reputation: 17


i need to know hoe to legally put my bf out!!!! he's not payin any portion of rent or utilities, and the relationship has become violent at times in the past, but he won't leave! how do i make him leave?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 03-10-2009, 12:59 PM
20 posts, read 49,980 times
Reputation: 28
Try telling him you have recently discovered you are a lesbian
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-10-2009, 03:07 PM
Location: Tejas
253 posts, read 650,158 times
Reputation: 189
If you have called the police on him previously you may be able to get a restraining order against him. You need to talk to an attorney.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-10-2009, 03:40 PM
Location: Upstairs closet
3,606 posts, read 4,460,046 times
Reputation: 3935
Originally Posted by new2colorado View Post
Try telling him you have recently discovered you are a lesbian

That would not budge me, in fact...oh nevermind.

Tell him you are preggers. That should move him out promptly.

Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-10-2009, 03:51 PM
122 posts, read 293,962 times
Reputation: 115
If you contact one of the help organizations for women and ask for their help they can point you in the right direction and give you any assistance you may need.
This is what they do for a living.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-10-2009, 05:15 PM
Location: Formerly TX, UT and CT - Currently NC
486 posts, read 969,968 times
Reputation: 367
Is the place you currently live in in both of your names?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-10-2009, 06:01 PM
1,744 posts, read 4,045,780 times
Reputation: 1120
Originally Posted by val_27534 View Post
i need to know hoe to legally put my bf out!!!! he's not payin any portion of rent or utilities, and the relationship has become violent at times in the past, but he won't leave! how do i make him leave?
Val- Try calling the Woman's Shelter in your area, The Lighthouse. They usually have compassionate, knowledgeable staff who would be able to provide you with help. Their number is 919 736-1313.
Good Luck and stay safe!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-11-2009, 02:07 PM
Location: Hawaii
9 posts, read 40,198 times
Reputation: 13
If he's not on the lease and doesn't pay rent, he's trespassing if you decide you don't want him there--call the police. However, if you think that would put you in danger, you'd be safer to call a domestic violence hotline and ask them for help. They can probably help you find a place to stay/arrange for a restraining order/etc.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-13-2009, 12:52 PM
Location: Clarkton
2 posts, read 22,323 times
Reputation: 14
You should go to the court house, admin section and fill out a form for taking out a domestic orders against him for domestic violence. It is not hard and you do not need an attorny which cost around $250.00 an hour for a good one. Most courts if not all, have someone there who will help walk you through the process of obtaing domestic violence orders.
You should take time off work and go in the morning if at all possible. You need to do this asap, like now, now, now. Right now. If you have any evidence of the emotional, verbal, or physical abuse you should bring it with you and you can show it to the local magistrate who will decide if they want to arrest him now. Most courts hold domestic violence court on certain days of the week but you should initiate the paperwork today or NOW after 2 minutes of reading this. You will go before a Judge who will review the details you will put on the paperwork and the Judge may ask you some questions to verify he usnderstands how violent your boyfriend has been.

Based upon what you are saying in this forum, keep in mind I am not an Attorney but I have a bad exhusband who teter toders on being violent so I have done this before for my and my children's protection and I would have done it a lot sooner if someone had told me about the process. It is easy, easy, I mean easy for you to do, and did not cost me a dime as far as I can recall. If there are any cost it would be minor and maybe only court filing fees.

If the Judge who hears your case signs the Domestic Violence Order and he should based on what you have recanted, again I have NO legal background, only experience, Your boyfriend will be ordered to have NO contact with you and NO harassment will be tolerated at all or he will be arrested and sent to jail. PERIOD

You can specify what public places you do not want your boyfriend to show up at just to see you so you will not feel uncomfortable. example: Your work place, gym, school, church, etc. This will be put in the Domestic Violence order. He maybe also ordered not to own or possess firearms. This is important because you life is in danger when you take him on and stand up to him. He is tryig to control you through violence and he will be pissed, (and shocked) that you have taken DV orders out on him. He does have the right to have an Attorney present at the Domestic Violence Court so if you can afford an attorney, it is in your best interest to get one, but it you have some evidence of his abuse that he cannot dispute, you do not need one.

My DV orders were signed for 6 months but they can be extended if need be.

The court does not tolerate Domestic Violence and until you deal with this head on you are in danger of being seriously injured or losing your life which is too precious and short to waste it on a control freak. You are also doing him a favor because he needs to know that his behavior is not only criminal it is unacceptible to society. He needs help to rehibilitate and the sooner the better before he commits a serious crime with dire consequences that will haunt him forever. Men can change for the better but they do need a strong motivator and DV orders are pretty darn powerful.



There is a part of the DV order that covers this so get your thoughts togeather, grab someone you can trust who will not blab to anyone beforehand out of nerviousness, and go fill out the paperwork to get the ball rolling. DV Orders is not a death sentence for your boyfriend so do not worry about getting him in any trouble. He will not be arrested or go to jail unless he continues to act in this manner so do not put it off because you don't want him in trouble.

You state he has been violent in the past. This is the key to getting him kicked out of your place NOW, safely. He probably thinks you are his property and he is entitled to be with you wherever you go. If you do not do this for yourself, he is in control but it is not hard to take control back over YOUR life. For God's sake do not fall for ANY appoligies and stay with him or marry him. He will promise to change and change he will. From my experience the change is HE GETS WORSE IN TIME.

Take it from one wiser older lady, the pain and heartach he is causing you has to stop for good. There are too many men who will treat you like an Angel, if you respect them in the process. You may want to consider getting a female roomate in the future if the rent is too high and only dating men and for a long time before you live with them but do live with them before marriage to make sure you both are compatable and committed. Take it or leave it, it is only advice from someone who has 20/20 vision in hindsight. Mr. Right will wait for you if he is seeking to cohabitate you are good too him.
Also, I highly recommend counceling for yourself to change your thoght patterns and discover why you are attracting this kind of male into your life or you will just keep attracting the same kind.

Dr. Dyre's CD's change your thoguhts, change your life is excellent to get started on the path to wellness if you do not want to see a therapist. I wish someone had explained this to me but I was well over 40 before I discovered that throught my thoughts I was my own worst enemy.

I came down with Fibromyalgia after my 1st husband and I relocated from Germany to Montanna. We both on active duty in the Air Force, fairly young and I had NO idea how angry he was about being reassigned to a cold Northern local. He had dreams of being stationed in Florida. We stayingi n a hotel for 4 months after our move while I intensely looked for a place off base that would suit him. He never gave me ANY indication of why he was so angry at me all the time. He secretely blamed me for the assignment because it was a joint spouse assignment which aren't guarenteed so it is a blessing to get assigned togeather, or should be. In his mind, if he wasn't married to me, he would have been able to get the Florida assignment that was available. We had a 2.5 year old daughter so looking back on it I cannot comprehend on how self centered he was. Anyhow, this was our first assignement togeather on US soil and I wanted to buy a house which most people did instead of renting so they could sell it and get their money back when they relocated. He had intense fears about signing a morgage in Montana, and I had no quams with it so I would have NEVER guessed this was the sourse of his anxiety. He now regretts this and just last year moved from Florida to South Dakota with his 2nd wife and they bought a home. (how ironic). He did become abusive again, repeating the pattern after 15 years but he had 6 kids, (her 4 & my two) who fell victim to his abuse this time. I now have my 17 year old daugther who was the object of his abuse but I am losing the custody battle in SD to get my 10 year old out of the home. I have fought for her for over 7 years in the court system in Germany, Oklahoma, Florida, NC, and now SD. It is expensive and I will have to give up on trying because I cannot afford to continue to finance my SD attorney on my retired paycheck. She has desired to live with me ever since he had her ripped out of my arms in Germany when she was 3 years old. An order was signed by a German Judge giving him temporary custody of my two daughters without my knowledge after I was order by my boss to move away from him because he was causing me problems at work with the kids. My ex is extremely vendictive, dishonest, minupulative, and unfortunately intelligent enough to convince anyone he is the sane table one. With my disability and extreme integrity, I have a very very very difficult time effectively bring the truth forward because his lies sound so very very plausible and he has been extremely effective discrediting me way before anyone ever meets me to the point that there is not much I can say to defend my girls. I have been prejudged by hundreds of people he has minupulated to either make my life extremely difficult or people in the court system who can benifit him in our custody battle. My life has been a living hell since I divorced him in 2000. We were married for over 12 years and it was never good. I saw the abuse before I married him but I he indicated that he would treat me better if I was his wife. What a farce, it was never to be. After we married, I was his possession, not a bad deal to belong to someone if you are being respected, loved, and adored, not when your spouse, discredits you to all, disrespects you, and screams at the top of his lungs when I refused to be bossed around. I never did back down to him when he acted this way., I am very very strong and this is why he came on so strong. I should have gotten DV orders signed and reported the abuse to our Family Advocy on base or Social Services downtown before I got sick but I did not want him to get in trouble so I hid the abuse. He has had NO compassion for my physical, emotional, or phychological well being and has gone out of his way to at every available opportunity to make my life a living hell ever since I divorced him. He said this is my punishment for divorcing him. He did not take it too well when I took back my maiden name after being with him 14 years, we dated for 2 years. He
w . He will pgod. ntrrightt l id e.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-13-2009, 02:47 PM
Location: Clarkton
2 posts, read 22,323 times
Reputation: 14
continued from above....I had more to say but could not paste my response because it took me too long to write it and I did not get to use spell checker on my first response so sorry for the errors but the message is the same so I hope you get something out of it. Thanks

He had hurt me more than he would ever know. He was the first guy I had ever been with and I was so very deeply in love with him eve though he had cheated on me before we married on at least 3 times before we married, I forgave him, but after the abuse, I began to hate him for destroying our marriage and my dreams of having a large family with the white Pickett fence. I dreamed of never being with another man and only knowing him my whole life and growing old together. I had PST for years after the abuse because it was so intense and over a fairly short time and I never got treatment for this so it still haunts me if I think about it. This was a man who never talked to me or asked me my opinion but only barked at me if I did something that did not meet his approval. He was clearly unhappy so I walked on egg shells around him to not set him off but I was so strong and independent, I did not let him know how careful I was being not to upset him. He takes advantage of anything he sees as weak. An example of this is he saw how much it hurt me when he called me horrible names so he piled it on thick and called me every name in the book which cut me to the core and he enjoyed hurting me and still enjoys it. He is sick and cruel and obviously unhappy but I never did anything to upset him on purpose. I am happy that I finally gave up my dreams and allowed myself to be loved by others. This is a true Romeo and Juliet story that became " The War of the Roses " during the custody battles.
Please pull yourself together and manage your anxieties so they do not keep you from effectively communicating what you have been through with your boyfriend to the court and get the DV Orders. One thing you should know that I was not aware of. An assault is when someone puts their hands on you against your will. My husband never hit me, just forcible pushed me around. When things got intense on the first occasion I realized I was in danger during a heated moment I told him that if he put one bruise on me, I would report it and he would be arrested. I was bluffing but I have a good poker face so he believed it. Honestly, I am sure I would have hid the bruises at the time if he did hit me because I loved him so much and I was protecting his military career for our families sake. I thought that by taking the high road I was being sensible and loving to him by not hurting him the way he was hurting me but in reality, I was teaching him that it is ok for him to say things that would make me cry for hours on end. My body finally broke down and will never be the same again. Stop the abuse now for both of your sakes. Teach him it is wrong to treat a woman this way, or anyone for that matter. Maybe my two girls would not have been abused the same way if I had busted him on this in the beginning and nipped it in the bud so he saw the consequences are not worth running his mouth. He always threatened to ruin my career and take my kids if I left him and even though I never took him seriously, he made good on the promises, despite my best effort.
The police can help you to enforce the orders but you must open up and communicate what is going on and insist that action is taken to rid yourself of this person who will never be a good match for you and I hope by sharing my story you can see some patterns. You can make him see himself as he is in time if you will be brave enough to get help through the court system. It maybe ruff to go through this but it will be rougher by not taking any actions and inactions speak as loud as taking actions.
I would rather pitch a tent in the woods way out of sight with my 38 special for protection than to live in a home where I am daily being disrespected and abused. A woman's self esteem cannot survive a toxic environment for long and the effects of such environment can and will haunt you for years unless you:
1: your environment immediately- kick him our or move
2: change your thoughts to positive ones, never focus on negative toxic thoughts
3. surround yourself with positive optimistic people and expel the negative souls (family & friends) from your life. if this it not possible, minimize greatly the time they have with you and detoxify afterwards.
4. learn to become the ideal person you would want to marry mentally and emotionally and you will attract this person to you in time when the universe feels you are ready for him.
5. Never settle for less than you deserve. it is better to resist what does not work and do not allow it to be in your life so that there will always be room for the things that do work when the opportunity for good comes you way, which will happen when you begin to take control of your own thoughts and become or insist on maintain your optimistic self.
6. We are all connected in this world in some way so never and I mean never act out of malice no matter how bad someone hurts you. The universe, or God, will make corrections in their life so do not take revenge ever, it is not your responsibility but do not harm to anyone and good things will come your way.
7. The illness and the grief my ex have me has been the best blessing in disguise. I have not only shown myself how strong I am by learning to persist against the odds and achieve my goals, despite the obstacles. Where their is a will, there is a way. More importantly I became a more compassionate, loving, forgiving soul who now has the genuine ability to empathize with other's plights and to feel for others who are in pain. I would have never been able to become this deeply compassionate if I have not walked through many many fires and felt the deep soul wounding pain I would never inflict on anyone, even my worst enemy.
8. I stood up to my ex since our divorce on quite a few instances, more out of reaction to him rather than being proactive since I hate conflict. I am not responsible for the of his actions so I have no problem, reporting him when he is out of line and it can be proved. However, I will never act to bring him harm out of malice because I do love all souls even the ones who will never love me in return. I do not need his love anymore but I like the fact that God gave me unconditional love for all when I was a teenager. (longer story). I still love him my ex with all my heart and I would hurt if I felt he is hurting even though on some level I would get a small amount of pleasure knowing how cruel he is to others. I would chastise myself for those feelings and not allow them to manifest before I dismiss them. I have NO romantic love for him and if he was the last man on earth, I could never go there again. He has proved time and time again, he is not worth any of my romantic love.
I do feel loved by my current husband, who has been can be abusive as well and has hurt me deeply, (left me for a much younger woman). I was madly in love with him and I did not see this coming so I did not accept this and wooed him back to me through the power of love and forgiveness. His first wife taught him how to cheat and he never cheated on her so he did feel genuinely remorseful when he realized he was wrong about me and he broke up with his girlfriend in front of me and came home. Recreating the relationship after this happens is extremely difficult and not for everyone but he was believing a lie and I knew this woman could never truly love him at a soul level like I did so I remained in his life and when she got crazy with him, he came back to his safe, stable, sane wife and then the real work started and he had to be strong to endure my full range of emotions I did fully expressed time and time again to test his commitment and not let it stay inside of me where it would fester. He was not that strong but I learned how to only give him what he could handle and then back off so he could recover from my disappointment. It was healthy for me to not keep this inside and to express the pain of abandonment and infidelity. He never meant to hurt me even thought he did and ultimately, I taught him the power of true forgiveness and unconditional love. He could not forgive his first wife for cheating on him and he was deeply grateful for me giving him a 2nd chance. he was impressed at how much I really loved him and it gave him an opportunity to see my strength of character and ability to love unconditionally and rekindle the romantic love after being devastated by his actions. I could have done the same to show him how bad it feels but when you truly love someone you will do nothing to intently cause them harm. if so, it is not love. Again, I did not settle for less than I deserved, he had showed me in our 6 year marriage that he is a big enough soul to handle my intense love so I knew what I was fighting for. We just hit a very very rocky point in our marriage and his mother and others swayed him into leaving me and this younger woman was hired at is work place at the same time I had done something to make him extremely angry. He mistakenly thought I was intently trying to hurt him and it did appear this way, but I knew that was not true so I did not let the others ruin my marriage and I am eternally grateful for the love I have known since I forgave him.
I forgave the ones who swayed him to leave me but I keep them at a distance and out of our business since they have proved to me that they do not have our best interest in mind.
The bottom line is it is important to learn to make lemonade out of the lemons life gives you. Learn the lessons of the situation you are in and then take actions to change the situation that is not healthy positive and loving for all and do not be self-centered.
I was briefly married after my first abusive marriage to a wonderful British man who I thought I was in love with, however, he could not stand up to my ex like my current husband can and when I realized I was still in love with my ex I knew this was wrong and not fair to him because he was fully in love with me. I learned many things from him, all good, but I divorced him after a year and a half when I was certain, there was no other way around this and still maintain the high standard I had of myself which was to be true to my own heart who was telling me that I was not in love. This man had a big bank account and was just a wonderful man but not the one for me so I sent him back to the UK because I loved him and it was not fair to him not have deep romantic love in return.
Shortly after we split up, I met my husband who I am eternally grateful for meeting. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man and I fell in love with him at first sight. I met on match dot com and I feel madly in love with him and I have NO regrets.
Again, I learned long ago how to make lemonade out of lemons and to follow the golden rule in all things. You must treat others how you want to be treated regardless of whether they deserve it or not. You are maturing your soul that you are responsible for, not theirs and if you can develop a good nature by your actions, you will truly be able to stop the domestic violence and learn the lessons from it and hopefully not become someone who abuses others. This maybe a challenge for you in the future because domestic violence changes the rules of the game and when you meet someone weaker than yourself, you must not take advantage of them but maintain patience and humility towards all mankind.
I wish you well, now take what you need to take from my experiences and find the courage to make long-lasting permanent positive changes for yourself and your boyfriend. you are never alone, many others have walked in your shoes. I thank you for having the courage to ask for help.

Warm and Kind Regards,

Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > North Carolina > Coastal North Carolina
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top