U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Education > Colleges and Universities
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-22-2015, 06:05 AM
 
Location: Type 0.7 Kardashev
10,577 posts, read 6,834,271 times
Reputation: 37337

Advertisements

I’ve just graduated my two oldest children from high school this past June. They are bound (he says, proudly) to Hamline and Macalester this fall. Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of interaction with colleges and universities over the past year – taking the kids for visits, interviews, orientations and so forth. And it’s been a great experience.

But I’m getting a little fed up with the tendency of the colleges to treat my children as though they are still children. They’re not. They’re adults. Colleges are attended by adults. I’m regularly getting mail from those colleges addressed TO THE PARENTS OF [MY CHILDREN’S NAMES]. There’s billing information. There’s what to send off with the adults to college. Frankly, it makes it sound like my kids are still minors in high school.

And this works counter to what we’ve tried to do with our children. Especially in this strange three-month twilight zone between high school and college, we’ve really tried to impress upon our two oldest that they are not children – they are adults living with us until they leave for college. My son asks if he can go for the evening, and I tell him patiently that he does not need to ask. I say that I appreciate if he would keep us informed as to his whereabouts but that he is an adult and need not ask to spend the evening out. Our daughter asked if she could spend a week in Florida in August with her boyfriend and his family. Again, I sat her down and told her that she is an adult and does not need our permission.

When we did all those college tours, I never went on them with my kids. I took them to the colleges, and I poked around on my own as they went on the tours. I took notice of the fact that most other kids had parents in tow. I told my kids flat-out – where to attend college is your decision, not mine. You need to make that decision, not me. You need to ask the questions that need to be asked, not me. You need to learn how to negotiate your way through college, not me.

It’s not that I don’t want to do these things – I want my children to develop life skills, not to further hone their 'I’d better go ask Mom and/or Dad' skills (they’ve got those down pat). I want them to be personally responsible for their presents and their futures. I've been fully available for questions and advice and general guidance. But it needs to begin with them, and they need to muddle through as much as they can. That's life. Mostly, they've been good about this. We've raised children manage their own affairs because they can and because they've been allowed to do so.

And I think colleges and universities should do a little more to treat incoming freshman (whom are virtually all adults) as the adults that they are. Being an adult is an essentially skill, after all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-22-2015, 06:43 AM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,144,730 times
Reputation: 2232
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsettomati View Post
I’ve just graduated my two oldest children from high school this past June. They are bound (he says, proudly) to Hamline and Macalester this fall. Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of interaction with colleges and universities over the past year – taking the kids for visits, interviews, orientations and so forth. And it’s been a great experience.

But I’m getting a little fed up with the tendency of the colleges to treat my children as though they are still children. They’re not. They’re adults. Colleges are attended by adults. I’m regularly getting mail from those colleges addressed TO THE PARENTS OF [MY CHILDREN’S NAMES]. There’s billing information. There’s what to send off with the adults to college. Frankly, it makes it sound like my kids are still minors in high school.

And this works counter to what we’ve tried to do with our children. Especially in this strange three-month twilight zone between high school and college, we’ve really tried to impress upon our two oldest that they are not children – they are adults living with us until they leave for college. My son asks if he can go for the evening, and I tell him patiently that he does not need to ask. I say that I appreciate if he would keep us informed as to his whereabouts but that he is an adult and need not ask to spend the evening out. Our daughter asked if she could spend a week in Florida in August with her boyfriend and his family. Again, I sat her down and told her that she is an adult and does not need our permission.

When we did all those college tours, I never went on them with my kids. I took them to the colleges, and I poked around on my own as they went on the tours. I took notice of the fact that most other kids had parents in tow. I told my kids flat-out – where to attend college is your decision, not mine. You need to make that decision, not me. You need to ask the questions that need to be asked, not me. You need to learn how to negotiate your way through college, not me.

It’s not that I don’t want to do these things – I want my children to develop life skills, not to further hone their 'I’d better go ask Mom and/or Dad' skills (they’ve got those down pat). I want them to be personally responsible for their presents and their futures. I've been fully available for questions and advice and general guidance. But it needs to begin with them, and they need to muddle through as much as they can. That's life. Mostly, they've been good about this. We've raised children manage their own affairs because they can and because they've been allowed to do so.

And I think colleges and universities should do a little more to treat incoming freshman (whom are virtually all adults) as the adults that they are. Being an adult is an essentially skill, after all.
College know that they need to work with the parents so they get paid.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 06:44 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
32,132 posts, read 39,225,649 times
Reputation: 40590
Good luck. That's the way it used to be but over the last couple decades has changed. Why? I don't know but have some theories.

One would be the perceived tendency of helicopter parenting.

Another is, quite honestly, is the general immaturity of high school graduates.

I saw the above first hand in my teaching career which just ended. As the decades wore on the students became more infantile and unable to transition to being young adults.

I was even "counseled" about calling them that (I taught mostly seniors) and was advised my vocabulary describing them be changed to children.

In the last ten years I saw parents who wouldn't allow their kids to have part time jobs or even learn to drive. Not because of finances but just because. The parents would haul their 17 and 18 year olds everywhere, to shopping, on dates, to school functions. Some wouldn't even let their kids ride the bus to other schools for athletic events but would take them themselves. They, of course, wouldn't let them ride the bus to school either.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Middle America
35,821 posts, read 39,399,524 times
Reputation: 48621
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsettomati View Post
I’ve just graduated my two oldest children from high school this past June. They are bound (he says, proudly) to Hamline and Macalester this fall. Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of interaction with colleges and universities over the past year – taking the kids for visits, interviews, orientations and so forth. And it’s been a great experience.

But I’m getting a little fed up with the tendency of the colleges to treat my children as though they are still children. They’re not. They’re adults. Colleges are attended by adults. I’m regularly getting mail from those colleges addressed TO THE PARENTS OF [MY CHILDREN’S NAMES]. There’s billing information. There’s what to send off with the adults to college. Frankly, it makes it sound like my kids are still minors in high school.

And this works counter to what we’ve tried to do with our children. Especially in this strange three-month twilight zone between high school and college, we’ve really tried to impress upon our two oldest that they are not children – they are adults living with us until they leave for college. My son asks if he can go for the evening, and I tell him patiently that he does not need to ask. I say that I appreciate if he would keep us informed as to his whereabouts but that he is an adult and need not ask to spend the evening out. Our daughter asked if she could spend a week in Florida in August with her boyfriend and his family. Again, I sat her down and told her that she is an adult and does not need our permission.

When we did all those college tours, I never went on them with my kids. I took them to the colleges, and I poked around on my own as they went on the tours. I took notice of the fact that most other kids had parents in tow. I told my kids flat-out – where to attend college is your decision, not mine. You need to make that decision, not me. You need to ask the questions that need to be asked, not me. You need to learn how to negotiate your way through college, not me.

It’s not that I don’t want to do these things – I want my children to develop life skills, not to further hone their 'I’d better go ask Mom and/or Dad' skills (they’ve got those down pat). I want them to be personally responsible for their presents and their futures. I've been fully available for questions and advice and general guidance. But it needs to begin with them, and they need to muddle through as much as they can. That's life. Mostly, they've been good about this. We've raised children manage their own affairs because they can and because they've been allowed to do so.

And I think colleges and universities should do a little more to treat incoming freshman (whom are virtually all adults) as the adults that they are. Being an adult is an essentially skill, after all.
I think this is a major shift in the past couple of decades.

I attended a very comparable-in-atmosphere college for undergrad (sister school to Hamline and Mac, in fact) from 1995-1999, and the complete opposite was actually my experience at that point. I was the first in my family to go away to school, leaving everything I knew hundreds and hundreds of miles behind for the first time in my life, and a fairly timid, introverted person to boot, raised in a very involved and tightly knit family, but also one that valued independence (or I'd never have elected to go to school so far from home somewhere I knew nobody, in the first place, I'd have stayed living at home and attending a local college). There was, at that point, no real handholding in the setup of things. I toured a bunch of colleges (mostly in the Twin Cities area), and was always treated as an adult, and the atmosphere was very much on making one's own decisions, etc.

At this point, I think there is an element of institutions of higher learning (especially those that focus on undergrad programs and admit mostly traditional students, i.e. 18-ish year old freshman) having given up and resigning themselves to the helicopter parent phenomenon. This is really frustrating to those who are neither helicopter parents nor raised by them. I also think parents are obviously considered a potential revenue stream, so schools prioritize developing donor relationships and maintain ties with them in the hopes of alumni parent donations. I know my parents NOW get these requests from my alma mater, though this is a recent development, and they have no ties to the school at all, other than me. But that's just pure marketing, straight up.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 07:01 AM
 
3,614 posts, read 2,699,095 times
Reputation: 4985
Bills will be sent to parents unless your adult children tell them otherwise. Once your children step foot on campus, your involvement will pretty much end unless your child tells them otherwise. You will no longer be able to look at their grades, billing statements, etc. unless they give you permission. As for getting lists for shopping, etc. so what, they are trying to be helpful because most parents, at minimum, at least pay for their dorm supplies and like to know if they need to buy XL twin sheets or not, if dorms allow a microwave, etc. Your children will be getting plenty of information, probably via emails that you are not seeing, about the same things. Plus, most colleges have 3+ days of orientation on campus before classes start where they will also be getting information they need that you do not. Often there are activities for parents who choose to participate during move-in, but not always. Your participation level is up to you. Some parents, especially first time college parents want the information, others do not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Middle America
35,821 posts, read 39,399,524 times
Reputation: 48621
Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
Good luck. That's the way it used to be but over the last couple decades has changed. Why? I don't know but have some theories.

One would be the perceived tendency of helicopter parenting.

Another is, quite honestly, is the general immaturity of high school graduates.
Yep, which is largely the result of said helicopter parenting.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 07:05 AM
 
3,614 posts, read 2,699,095 times
Reputation: 4985
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
I think this is a major shift in the past couple of decades.

I attended a very comparable-in-atmosphere college for undergrad (sister school to Hamline and Mac, in fact) from 1995-1999, and the complete opposite was actually my experience at that point. I was the first in my family to go away to school, leaving everything I knew hundreds and hundreds of miles behind for the first time in my life, and a fairly timid, introverted person to boot, raised in a very involved and tightly knit family, but also one that valued independence (or I'd never have elected to go to school so far from home somewhere I knew nobody, in the first place, I'd have stayed living at home and attending a local college). There was, at that point, no real handholding in the setup of things. I toured a bunch of colleges (mostly in the Twin Cities area), and was always treated as an adult, and the atmosphere was very much on making one's own decisions, etc.

At this point, I think there is an element of institutions of higher learning (especially those that focus on undergrad programs and admit mostly traditional students, i.e. 18-ish year old freshman) having given up and resigning themselves to the helicopter parent phenomenon. This is really frustrating to those who are neither helicopter parents nor raised by them. I also think parents are obviously considered a potential revenue stream, so schools prioritize developing donor relationships and maintain ties with them in the hopes of alumni parent donations. I know my parents NOW get these requests from my alma mater, though this is a recent development, and they have no ties to the school at all, other than me. But that's just pure marketing, straight up.
I'm a lot older than you are and my parents got information about move-in day, stuff to take to dorms, etc. along with solicitations for donations. It is not new to get the information, what is new is that when I was in school it was an "oh, ok, thanks" where today it's a signal to call the school and ask about specific brands of sheets they should buy, if GE is better than Samsung for the microwave, if their snowflake can bring a fridge even tough they were told not to, etc, etc, etc
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 09:17 AM
 
321 posts, read 209,704 times
Reputation: 480
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsettomati View Post
But I’m getting a little fed up with the tendency of the colleges to treat my children as though they are still children. They’re not. They’re adults. Colleges are attended by adults. I’m regularly getting mail from those colleges addressed TO THE PARENTS OF [MY CHILDREN’S NAMES]. There’s billing information. There’s what to send off with the adults to college. Frankly, it makes it sound like my kids are still minors in high school.

I've worked at colleges, as well as attended them. Especially concerning undergraduate colleges-> They are attended by children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 10:01 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,751,613 times
Reputation: 38834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsettomati View Post
When we did all those college tours, I never went on them with my kids. I took them to the colleges, and I poked around on my own as they went on the tours. I took notice of the fact that most other kids had parents in tow. I told my kids flat-out – where to attend college is your decision, not mine. You need to make that decision, not me. You need to ask the questions that need to be asked, not me. You need to learn how to negotiate your way through college, not me.
It was my experience that kids can still do all those things with parents in tow.

I went on all the tours. After all, if my dollars are going to be sent there, I want to see the facility. Plus, when my kids were talking about things on campus, I knew what they were talking about. I saw many a cool thing along the way too!

But I stayed in the back of the pack, with all the other parents. The kids did all the talking, we did all the listening.

You CAN be present without interfering!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2015, 10:14 AM
 
12,922 posts, read 19,809,103 times
Reputation: 33954
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qwerty View Post
Bills will be sent to parents unless your adult children tell them otherwise. Once your children step foot on campus, your involvement will pretty much end unless your child tells them otherwise. You will no longer be able to look at their grades, billing statements, etc. unless they give you permission. As for getting lists for shopping, etc. so what, they are trying to be helpful because most parents, at minimum, at least pay for their dorm supplies and like to know if they need to buy XL twin sheets or not, if dorms allow a microwave, etc. Your children will be getting plenty of information, probably via emails that you are not seeing, about the same things. Plus, most colleges have 3+ days of orientation on campus before classes start where they will also be getting information they need that you do not. Often there are activities for parents who choose to participate during move-in, but not always. Your participation level is up to you. Some parents, especially first time college parents want the information, others do not.
Yes, this. Once school started, we didn't get anything beyond fund-raising appeals.

Even though we attended orientation, we were handed our own schedule, and only met up with our kids for meals. We could have stayed on campus in the dorms if we so chose, but we opted for hotels.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Education > Colleges and Universities
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top