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65 k damn. Do you plan on getting married anytime soon? I should show my husband this post so he could stop crying over "my student loan" he's paying that's around $120 a month lol. IF you plan on getting married and at her age, and the fact she has a good job already, sorry but I would 100% try to talk her out of it..
65 k damn. Do you plan on getting married anytime soon? I should show my husband this post so he could stop crying over "my student loan" he's paying that's around $120 a month lol. IF you plan on getting married and at her age, and the fact she has a good job already, sorry but I would 100% try to talk her out of it..
debt load isn't too bad, considering the field, it's her age and length of time until retirement
sure I know people who work until they are in their 70-80s, but that's not the norm
debt load would be around 1 year of salary for the phd if she gets a job doing it, but it would take a decade to pay it off unless they put most of the income towards it, which leaves little to save for a family together/retirement
if she was half her age or even a decade younger, she would have more working years left to make it worth while
it's her dream to do this, but dreams sometimes need to be reasonable as well...
I think this is a personal decision between you both but I will give me two cents as I went through this decision process just in the past year. I was an accounting undergrad and there is a high demand for accounting PhDs. The salary is ridiculous (in a good way) and it was very tempting. I love academics and being a professor would have been as close to my dream of being a teacher as ever, right...I had already opted out of my first love which was an elementary teacher because of the BS that teaching at that level has become. But the kicker, I started late in life, waiting until kids were finishing up school. I graduated at 44 with my undergrad. A master's degree then PhD was another 6 years. If I was able to get accepted because of my age. If I was able to find a professor's job at 50ish...most PhDs at my age are going the pay for it rate because the programs that pay the stipends don't generally accept those at my age unless you are coming into it with a lot of experience in the field. You are also stuck moving to wherever the school is at in which you get accepted. My husband was already set on moving to the place we had mutually decided to move to when the kids were done with school. This meant pushing that aside for a long time, possibly forever because the teaching position would probably not be in our location (limited positions for accounting faculty).
Ultimately, I felt it was too much to ask of everyone. Myself, my husband, my family. I had an aging father I was moving to be near and that would have been pushed aside as well. The cost was too great. The job wasn't enough of a dream to make it worth all that I'd have to give up, roll the dice on, and ask my loved ones to sacrifice.
This is the position you two are in and it has to be a mutual decision. My husband was supportive. He said he was willing to do what I needed to do. I feel like when it comes to decisions like these, they have to be made together or your relationship is over. You can't tell her 'no' because this is her life.
I wound up walking away from the Master's program that I was already enrolled in because I'd secured a great paying entry level job in the area we wanted. We are settled in, both of us found great jobs and all is well but it was a rough two years getting all of it to come together and more than once we weren't sure if we were going to be able to hold the course or change plans.
And for the record we have a lot of student debt related to my school and our kids. If you ensure a good career is after that process, it just becomes one more monthly debt. Handled well it's not that big of a deal to pursue the life you want if you have the resources to repay it. I make more than enough in my new job to cover the costs and we should have them paid off in ten years. It is what it is, so I wouldn't necessarily make that a deal breaker either. Just something to be mindful of. The prospects at the end have to support the costs to get there.
debt load isn't too bad, considering the field, it's her age and length of time until retirement
sure I know people who work until they are in their 70-80s, but that's not the norm
debt load would be around 1 year of salary for the phd if she gets a job doing it, but it would take a decade to pay it off unless they put most of the income towards it, which leaves little to save for a family together/retirement
if she was half her age or even a decade younger, she would have more working years left to make it worth while
it's her dream to do this, but dreams sometimes need to be reasonable as well...
I agree, not to mention if she ends up having kids and not working. OP will be able to swing the cost of living AND a monthly student loan payment of God knows how much? Or if something happens and she is unable to work...
yes he choose to do those, he can choose to not be with her in the future as well
1) she will have over $100k in debt 2) be in her 50s by the time she is done 3)may not decide to work 4)if she works, wont' have debt paid off before mid 60s 5) leaving no time for her to save for retirement/kids/etc
if he stays with her, and knows that is her plan... he needs to plan how he can either A) live with it then B)make enough money for the both of them including the debt
add in the fact that if they decide to have kids, she may never work so he'll need the increased income anyways
best shot for him is to work his way into better paying job, save money, they are not married so the money is entirely his. He can take the money/job with him regardless of what he plans
Exactly, and maybe that is what he should be thinking about rather than whether he owes her something, or whether he should support her very expensive hobbies.
She's too old for children.
Best shot for him is to run for the hills.
Go South.
Get out while you can, even though it will be emotionally painful.
Wow. This woman wants to get a doctorate @ age 43, and have her SO support her while she goes back to school?! She won't be working, but will depend on the OP financially?! Ridiculous. What an entitled, manipulative witch. As has been said, there's not only the loss of income (since the woman won't be working), but also the excessive amount of student loan debt to worry about. The OP will probably need to pay this off as well, since the woman won't have any money.
I don't see the logic in going to grad school in your early 40's. By this age, most people who are lucky enough to have careers are already established in them. It doesn't make any fiscal sense to start over like this, unless you're independently wealthy & can afford grad school without working - which is not the case here. As has been said, this woman will probably be close to 50 by the time she graduates. By that age, many people are thinking about retiring in 5-10 years (if possible), not starting a new career. So, by that age she's not going to be considered as much for employment as she would if she were younger, considering that she wont have that many working years ahead of her.
My advice to the OP would be to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. This woman is taking advantage of you, and will continue to walk all over you if you let her. No p*****% is worth this, believe me.
Unfortunately, I can relate to this situation. Many years ago, I was engaged to a woman I thought I loved. Everything seemed to be going well; we were both working full-time & starting off in our respective careers. Suddenly, one day she told me that she wanted to quit her job & go to grad school full-time. She already had a bachelor's & I didn't see any benefit to her going back to school, especially since she would be quitting her good job & wouldn't have an income as a result, would be incurring student loan debt, etc. Obviously she wanted me to pay for all of these expenses, so she could go to school while I busted my hump working full-time.
After she told me this, I looked at her in a completely new light...I realized that someone I had previously cared about & found attractive, had become very ugly & selfish. So, the next day I promptly broke off the engagement & broke up with her without a second's hesitation. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me - since, by breaking up I was free to apply for (and get) a better job in a different part of the country. I moved away from the area, and thankfully lost touch with her. Good riddance!
I know of many situations where a woman (or man) goes to college/grad school while their working spouse supports them financially. And, then they turn around and have their working spouse pay off their student loan(s) as well. In these cases, it's pretty obvious that one of the reasons (if not the main reason) these people got married was so they could have a source of income for their educational expenses.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tnff
I was single when I went through grad school. Between 1/3 and 1/2 of the married students with me were divorced by the time they graduated. For older students going back, while I don't have statistics, anecdotally the rate was even higher.
No surprise there. Anyone that goes to grad school while being married - and having their spouse support them financially - is extremely selfish & doesn't deserve to be married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellomoon
If poster wanted relationship advice he would've posted in Relationship advice forum.
What is wrong with you with this judgmental post!.
News flash! This is a RELATIONSHIP question more than anything else, since the relationship between the OP & his gf is at the crux of this issue, i.e. her going back to grad school. And, if the OP didn't want to open himself up to getting advice on here he shouldn't have posted at all!!!
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 10-01-2017 at 04:07 AM..
YIKES. Wow, people make a lot of assumptions. Neither of us wants kids. Nowhere did I say I'd be fully supporting her. She would likely continue to work on some level. She works hard and did not "lure" me to quit my profession and become of massage therapist. Or force me to sell my home. WE made the decision to move elsewhere early on in our relationship.
Maybe I shoulda posted this in the Relationship forum FFS.
debt load isn't too bad, considering the field, it's her age and length of time until retirement
sure I know people who work until they are in their 70-80s, but that's not the norm
debt load would be around 1 year of salary for the phd if she gets a job doing it, but it would take a decade to pay it off unless they put most of the income towards it, which leaves little to save for a family together/retirement
if she was half her age or even a decade younger, she would have more working years left to make it worth while
it's her dream to do this, but dreams sometimes need to be reasonable as well...
Back in 1992 a women graduated USC medical school in Los Angeles at the ripe old age of 51, when most doctors are slowing down and starting to think about their retirement!
At 40, after most of her children had left for college, Forman said she found herself wondering what she was going to do with the rest of her life. She was accepted to college and figured that maybe she would become an accountant.
"I was going to do the practical thing," she said. "But I looked at the list of classes and knew I wouldn't be happy. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life behind a desk."
So she called her son, Scott, who was attending the UCLA School of Medicine, for advice. She asked him to find out if any of his professors thought a woman her age could get into medical school.
"The answer was a very strong maybe," Scott Forman said. "That was all the encouragement Mom needed."
YIKES. Wow, people make a lot of assumptions. Neither of us wants kids. Nowhere did I say I'd be fully supporting her. She would likely continue to work on some level. She works hard and did not "lure" me to quit my profession and become of massage therapist. Or force me to sell my home. WE made the decision to move elsewhere early on in our relationship.
Maybe I shoulda posted this in the Relationship forum FFS.
I realize that from your perspective, no one lured you to quit your job, re-train for a job with lower pay, and move to another city, but from the outside looking in, it appears that you did these things under her influence.
She should work full time. Cutting back on hours can mean ineligibility for benefits - as they are usually tied to full time work. She also needs to pay off her debt and the only way to do that is working full time. You need to find out if you will be responsible for half of her debt if you are living with her while she incurs the debt. If so, you think to think very carefully about whether you want to be responsible for repaying her student loans for the next couple of decades. You need to consider the possibility that after she completes her degree, she moves on to another relationship. Will you still be okay with the debt in that situation?
That said, her daily schedule will be going to work all day, taking a short break at dinner time, and then studying and completing assignments through the evening. She may have a day off on the weekend. Your life will change such that you will no longer have a companion, but will instead put your time into supporting her life. Is that something that you want to do for the next six years?
[quote=tnff;49677519]In addition to what he said, is she planning full time or just one course at a time? The intensity level is less, but it never ends.
Both of you have to be very sincere and honest about what grad school will do to your relationship and how you will get through it together. Don't want to sound like a Debbie Downer, but there are realities that if you don't both deal with, you'll have trouble. Grad school is a very hard, intense, and all consuming program. Hours in class, hours in lab, hours studying. Some faculty will think nothing of her working after midnight every day. She will be tired, tense, frustrated, scared, and angry, all at the same time. You will often have to bear the burden of her anger.
Believe me when I tell you this - they don't refer to the significant other as a Ph.D. Widow for nothing!
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