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Old 07-08-2010, 09:45 AM
 
90 posts, read 173,224 times
Reputation: 129

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OK, yes I am venting.

My soon to be ex-wife and I are both 45 and have been married for 25 years. We have two grown children.

My wife has a BS in Engineering, and worked for the first ten years of our marriage as an EE, making $110K a year at one point. We decided it would be better for the kids if she stayed home. She quit her job and volunteered, and did other stuff for ten years, then five years ago she decided to get her Master's in social work. This was fine with me, because she is the kind of person who can help others. She has been a substance abuse counselor for three years now, making about $35K. I am in management and make $110K.

She dropped a bomb on me three months ago: she was having an affair with one of her drug-addicted clients, and wanted a divorce. WTF? 25 YEARS, TWO KIDS, and now she wants to pitch it all away for a coke addict 15 years her junior?

I moved out immediately and contacted a lawyer. We have been in mediation, and guess what? Not only is there nothing I can do to stop the divorce, I am going to have to pay her $2150 a month in alimony FOR LIFE, in addition to giving her half of my 401K, and half of all the other assets in the marriage.

I have seen two different lawyers plus the mediator. I just can't believe this can be true. Apparently Colorado is absolutely the most backwards state in the union when it comes to Alimony. Colorado is still clinging to the notion that women are helpless creatures, and must be supported for the rest of their lives "in the manner to which they are accustomed", even if they have Master's degrees and $400K in the bank from the divorce.

WTF is up with this? Does ANYONE (other than the lawyers who run the system) think this is a valid concept in this day and age? I would like SOMEONE to give me a valid argument that this makes sense.

BTW, I asked both lawyers and the mediator what would happen if our positions were reversed, in other words, if I made $35K and she made $110K. They said it all depended on the judge who heard the case, that some judges would never order alimony to a man, but that some might give a few years. NONE would order lifetime alimony for a Master's degreed, gainfully employed male coming out of the divorce with $400K in the bank.

I know a lot of people look at these forums when deciding where to move, so here is the moral of this story: STAY OUT OF COLORADO if you make more than your spouse, especially if you are a man. You are essentially dangling a winning lottery ticket in front of your spouse, and because Colorado is a "no-fault" divorce state, they can cash that ticket at any time, for any reason whatsoever, and nothing they have done in the past matters one iota in the settlement. If you have been married longer than ten years and you are a man, you may be forced to pay alimony for life, and apparently if you have been married more than 20 years, you WILL be forced to pay for life, regardless of your ages or your spouse's ability to support themselves.

NO OTHER STATE is this way. Some states only allow alimony for a short period of time until the lower earning spouse can get a good job, and even in the few states left in which lifetime alimony is possible, the amount awarded is usually lower than in Colorado.

One of the lawyers I talked to asked me if I had been to a wedding recently. I have not. He then said "Now you know why!". Apparently the rate of marriage in Colorado, especially the rate at which people remarry, has fallen off a cliff. Things like this are a major reason...

Last edited by soscrewed; 07-08-2010 at 10:02 AM..
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:06 AM
 
9,713 posts, read 12,279,030 times
Reputation: 7080
Well buddy if I was you I would fight that to the end of the earth. Godspeed.
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Emerald Coast, FL
4,472 posts, read 3,869,259 times
Reputation: 6919
She gets half your assets and 401k? That's fair - a marriage is a partnership where each contributes what they can or agree, so equal division is fair. As for share of future income, that's where I have problems with alimony. The court should require her to do her best to increase her income, but her engineering skills are way out of date. You did agree to have her stay home to raise the kids and later accept a lower-paying job.

Your only hope is that you lose your job and the only job you can find after pays less - then you'll owe her less if you get any court order adjusted. But it had better be a legitimate income reduction, or you'll still be liable for the original amount. And of course, your lifestyle will take a hit as well. Ain't divorce grand?

Too bad you didn't know her plans beforehand - you could have moved, maybe done some things to protect yourself better.
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:47 AM
 
90 posts, read 173,224 times
Reputation: 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
She gets half your assets and 401k? That's fair - a marriage is a partnership where each contributes what they can or agree, so equal division is fair. As for share of future income, that's where I have problems with alimony. The court should require her to do her best to increase her income, but her engineering skills are way out of date. You did agree to have her stay home to raise the kids and later accept a lower-paying job.

Your only hope is that you lose your job and the only job you can find after pays less - then you'll owe her less if you get any court order adjusted. But it had better be a legitimate income reduction, or you'll still be liable for the original amount. And of course, your lifestyle will take a hit as well. Ain't divorce grand?

Too bad you didn't know her plans beforehand - you could have moved, maybe done some things to protect yourself better.

I guess no one should allow their spouse to stay at home with the kids then.

What makes me mad is that I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing for my kids AND for her. She stayed home even after they were in high school.

When she decided to get an MS in Sociology I was all for it...she could have gotten an MS in Engineering or anything else, but I let her do what she wanted. I am a nice guy. I loved my wife. This is the payback.

She could *still* go and update her Engineering skills. I don't have a problem with the concept of giving her money temporarily, maybe five years, but for LIFE? Most states wouldn't consider such a thing, and even those that do usually either make the alimony small, or make it decline with time. Not Colorado.

The other thing I have learned through this nightmare is that Divorce is a complete racket. The lawyers, the mediators and the judges themselves are all working hand in hand to preserve the status quo, which is to suck as much money out of the process as possible, then then continue to suck more money every few years when one spouse or the other decides to file for a modification. If alimony had an end, there wouldn't have to be multiple hearings years after the divorce. The way it is, I certainly will be in court if I ever lose my job, or if she somehow makes more money in the future. And then, when I retire, and again when she retires, there has to be another entire round of haggling over the alimony, just like you were getting a new divorce. It is a cash cow for the Divorce industry. The laws have nothing to do with fairness or preventing undue burdens on one or the other, it is all about setting up a legal labyrinth that can suck money out of desperate clients every step of the way.

If limiting alimony caused big social problems, why don't we have big social problems in states like Texas and Indiana where they DO limit alimony? I haven't heard of any negatives coming out of those states over alimony being limited to THREE years under ANY circumstances.

I'd like to make my point again: STAY OUT OF COLORADO if you make even $5000 more than your spouse, because the Colorado divorce industry would LOVE to see you be sucked into their lifetime alimony hell, and they have lined up the laws such that there is literally a guaranteed lifetime income for anyone who happens to make less than their spouse. It is like hanging a winning lottery ticket in front of someone and daring them not to grab it.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:01 AM
 
16,623 posts, read 14,115,583 times
Reputation: 11486
i can understand how a stay-at-home mom needs some financial protection from being completely abandoned.

what gets me, is that she can choose to leave you (cheating, no less), and still be awarded alimony.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:05 AM
 
6,615 posts, read 3,536,624 times
Reputation: 3804
The Anglo American male....the most discriminated against class in modern 21 Century society
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:07 AM
 
8,424 posts, read 24,168,852 times
Reputation: 5907
Thats messed up. I think if women cheat and you have the proof, they should not get squat. You could always sue her back for the emotional damages of her actions. Maybe you will get half or more of that back.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:08 AM
 
Location: southern california
49,725 posts, read 46,804,402 times
Reputation: 40947
Quote:
Originally Posted by soscrewed View Post
OK, yes I am venting.

My soon to be ex-wife and I are both 45 and have been married for 25 years. We have two grown children.

My wife has a BS in Engineering, and worked for the first ten years of our marriage as an EE, making $110K a year at one point. We decided it would be better for the kids if she stayed home. She quit her job and volunteered, and did other stuff for ten years, then five years ago she decided to get her Master's in social work. This was fine with me, because she is the kind of person who can help others. She has been a substance abuse counselor for three years now, making about $35K. I am in management and make $110K.

She dropped a bomb on me three months ago: she was having an affair with one of her drug-addicted clients, and wanted a divorce. WTF? 25 YEARS, TWO KIDS, and now she wants to pitch it all away for a coke addict 15 years her junior?

I moved out immediately and contacted a lawyer. We have been in mediation, and guess what? Not only is there nothing I can do to stop the divorce, I am going to have to pay her $2150 a month in alimony FOR LIFE, in addition to giving her half of my 401K, and half of all the other assets in the marriage.

I have seen two different lawyers plus the mediator. I just can't believe this can be true. Apparently Colorado is absolutely the most backwards state in the union when it comes to Alimony. Colorado is still clinging to the notion that women are helpless creatures, and must be supported for the rest of their lives "in the manner to which they are accustomed", even if they have Master's degrees and $400K in the bank from the divorce.

WTF is up with this? Does ANYONE (other than the lawyers who run the system) think this is a valid concept in this day and age? I would like SOMEONE to give me a valid argument that this makes sense.

BTW, I asked both lawyers and the mediator what would happen if our positions were reversed, in other words, if I made $35K and she made $110K. They said it all depended on the judge who heard the case, that some judges would never order alimony to a man, but that some might give a few years. NONE would order lifetime alimony for a Master's degreed, gainfully employed male coming out of the divorce with $400K in the bank.

I know a lot of people look at these forums when deciding where to move, so here is the moral of this story: STAY OUT OF COLORADO if you make more than your spouse, especially if you are a man. You are essentially dangling a winning lottery ticket in front of your spouse, and because Colorado is a "no-fault" divorce state, they can cash that ticket at any time, for any reason whatsoever, and nothing they have done in the past matters one iota in the settlement. If you have been married longer than ten years and you are a man, you may be forced to pay alimony for life, and apparently if you have been married more than 20 years, you WILL be forced to pay for life, regardless of your ages or your spouse's ability to support themselves.

NO OTHER STATE is this way. Some states only allow alimony for a short period of time until the lower earning spouse can get a good job, and even in the few states left in which lifetime alimony is possible, the amount awarded is usually lower than in Colorado.

One of the lawyers I talked to asked me if I had been to a wedding recently. I have not. He then said "Now you know why!". Apparently the rate of marriage in Colorado, especially the rate at which people remarry, has fallen off a cliff. Things like this are a major reason...
i am grieved to hear this.i have many friends just like you. please please post this on the relationship thread-- all the gals there think i am a demon for insinuating that no fault law is unfair. "huck, you are the only one bad stuff happens to, you are the only one huck".
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Currently- Grand JUnction, Co
23 posts, read 54,693 times
Reputation: 22
I feel for you. Colorado is a SCREWED up state. I won't go into details, but I agree with you. Sorry this happened to you. I am trying to get out now. The problem is, if you married her in Colorado, and even if you had moved, I understand she still would have had to file for divorce in Colorado? If that is the case..NO ONE should ever get married here. When I here of people moving in, I am like WHY???? LOL
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,844 posts, read 54,175,574 times
Reputation: 22785
That sounds unbelievable to me. I can't imagine any judge giving an able, capable, working, educated, 45-year old woman with grown kids ANY alimony, much less this amount and for life to boot! I know things vary by state, but all that sounds fishy to me. I'm not saying you're trying to deliberately deceive us, but perhaps these are just preliminary worries of yours.
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