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Old 04-03-2016, 10:40 AM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
4,697 posts, read 4,332,367 times
Reputation: 10278

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyDog77 View Post
Just back from a river trip in Westwater Canyon and have a field report.....

Apparently an offshoot of the Tortoise Militia has progressed over the past few months from Cortez towards Grand Junction, but have been faced with an identity crisis as they hit the mighty Colorado River. You see they refuse to be the "takers" and use the government funded bridges to cross the river, but made it very clear that they DO NOT want to take to the river to cross for fear of being labeled "turtles". The entire movement is at a standstill while members decide how to slowly proceed next. The spokestortoise issued a statement for the group stating that we should expect a period of deliberations while the herd decides their next steps. In the interim, please send lettuce.
THIS JUST IN!
There have been reports out that a younger and more fanatic offshoot from the "creep" wants to cross the Colorado by way of the Glen Canyon Dam at Lake Powell. They will then destroy the evidence of their passing by blowing up the dam and sending a sudden rush of 6 inches of water down the once mighty Colorado River. (We ain't recovering at all from the drought and the continued warming temps out here in the Southwest). This terrorist offshoot of the Tortoise Militia is hoping that the sudden infusion of extra water will encourage turtles living downstream of the demolished damn to throw in their support for the Militia. Worried officials in Phoenix are asking the Arizona Governor to call out the state National Guard as tensions continue to increase everywhere from Cortez and Telluride in Colorado to Phoenix and Vegas and possibly even to Death Valley in California. "We don't call it 'Death Valley' for nothing," warned a member of the Cali branch of the Desert Tortoise Militia.

Quote:
Originally Posted by suzco View Post
Can we hope it's not so bad the hares of the dog need to be called in to help?
On a Sunday morning? I bet half the board is indulging in the Bundy - I mean bunny cure for their hangovers!
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Old 04-03-2016, 10:51 AM
 
Location: CO
2,591 posts, read 5,986,911 times
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Tortoises, hares, turtles, bunnies, all be dammed.
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Old 04-03-2016, 11:27 AM
 
20,840 posts, read 39,052,603 times
Reputation: 19074
If I were President, the seditious behavior of this not-well-regulated unofficial militia would be handled forcefully.
I'd call out the National Guard and then we'd have Turtle Soup Tuesday. Tastes like chicken.

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Old 04-03-2016, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Washington Park, Denver
6,904 posts, read 6,496,831 times
Reputation: 7353
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
THIS JUST IN!
There have been reports out that a younger and more fanatic offshoot from the "creep" wants to cross the Colorado by way of the Glen Canyon Dam at Lake Powell. They will then destroy the evidence of their passing by blowing up the dam and sending a sudden rush of 6 inches of water down the once mighty Colorado River. (We ain't recovering at all from the drought and the continued warming temps out here in the Southwest). This terrorist offshoot of the Tortoise Militia is hoping that the sudden infusion of extra water will encourage turtles living downstream of the demolished damn to throw in their support for the Militia. Worried officials in Phoenix are asking the Arizona Governor to call out the state National Guard as tensions continue to increase everywhere from Cortez and Telluride in Colorado to Phoenix and Vegas and possibly even to Death Valley in California. "We don't call it 'Death Valley' for nothing," warned a member of the Cali branch of the Desert Tortoise Militia.



On a Sunday morning? I bet half the board is indulging in the Bundy - I mean bunny cure for their hangovers!
The Arizona governor just issued a joint statement with Sheriff Joe "America's toughest" Arapio regarding additional deployments to help solve the impending desert reptile crisis. Unfortunately all resources are deployed on the border until January when President Trump is sworn in to office and begins construction of his Mexican Peso funded wall. Arapio was quoted as saying "Turtles?!?! As long as they don't speak Spanish I ain't got the time or manpower." In other words, we're on our own.
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Old 04-03-2016, 11:55 PM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
4,697 posts, read 4,332,367 times
Reputation: 10278
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzco View Post
Tortoises, hares, turtles, bunnies, all be dammed.
Actually, the Federal and State Governments are planning on damming Cherry Creek in Denver, not bunnies. The idea is to get wealthy residents in Cherry Creek and its vicinity to go out and buy private yachts that they can use to float in style through downtown Denver while everyone else is parked on the Interstates. It's sort of like the idea behind the toll roads on highway 36 between various locations in Denver and the Boulder area. Before much longer Denver will gain notoriety as the "Venice of the West." Unfortunately, Bunnies on the Western Slope are liking this militia idea a little to well for comfort, and are already making plans to converge on Denver and eat every last blade of grass in Denver's parks PLUS all lawns planted by private home owners if the Cherry Creek Boondoggle is approved by the Colorado Legislature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyDog77 View Post
The Arizona governor just issued a joint statement with Sheriff Joe "America's toughest" Arapio regarding additional deployments to help solve the impending desert reptile crisis. Unfortunately all resources are deployed on the border until January when President Trump is sworn in to office and begins construction of his Mexican Peso funded wall. Arapio was quoted as saying "Turtles?!?! As long as they don't speak Spanish I ain't got the time or manpower." In other words, we're on our own.
Sadly, your assessment appears to be valid. In a story that hit some California papers on the same day as the original report was made public by High Country Times, the Desert Tortoise Militia has taken on the no less than the US Marine Corps. The California Press Enterprise reported that "The Marines had planned to conduct live ammunition training in August, using tanks and other heavy weaponry at their Air Ground Combat Center at Twentynine Palms. But military officials are now reconsidering if they really have the firepower to hold back such a huge surge of VERY angry reptiles."

While an individual desert tortoise weighs only about 12 pounds, the combined weight of the 1,400 strong Tortoise militia comes in at a sobering total of 16,800 pounds in weight. That's more than 8 tons of pi**ed off tortoises, folks. One can only imagine how much more dire the situation will become if a turtle jihad from either side of the border decides to enter the fray! It is my feeling that Governor Hickenlooper should require the state of Arizona to use its own funds to build a 1,000 foot wall impregnable to reptiles of any kind around the entire border of Arizona - especially with the other 3 states making up the Four Corners region - New Mexico, Utah, and Colorado. In Utah, members of the Mormon Church were unavailable for comment.




ANGRY MEMBER OF TORTOISE MILITIA CROSSING OVER ROAD TO TERRITORY WRESTED FROM US MARINES













ps Thanks to all the posters who helped make an April Fool's thread last THREE days! I loved everyone's funny and creative posts. Is the Colorado Forum the best state forum on CD or what!


Oh, and our thread even got picked up by Google!
Attached Thumbnails
Tortoise Militia from SW Colorado considers joining Bundy protest.-desert-tortoise-wallper-5.jpg  
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Old 04-04-2016, 01:41 PM
 
Location: The Berk in Denver, CO USA
13,947 posts, read 20,196,196 times
Reputation: 22575

Sadly, at least one tortoise became confused.
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Old 04-04-2016, 04:01 PM
 
Location: CO
2,591 posts, read 5,986,911 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyDog77 View Post
The Arizona governor just issued a joint statement with Sheriff Joe "America's toughest" Arapio. . . In other words, we're on our own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Actually, the Federal and State Governments are planning on damming Cherry Creek in Denver, not bunnies. The idea is to get wealthy residents in Cherry Creek and its vicinity to go out and buy private yachts that they can use to float in style through downtown Denver while everyone else is parked on the Interstates. It's sort of like the idea behind the toll roads on highway 36 between various locations in Denver and the Boulder area. Before much longer Denver will gain notoriety as the "Venice of the West." Unfortunately, Bunnies on the Western Slope are liking this militia idea a little to well for comfort, and are already making plans to converge on Denver and eat every last blade of grass in Denver's parks PLUS all lawns planted by private home owners if the Cherry Creek Boondoggle is approved by the Colorado Legislature. . .
Forget worrying about the Arizona governor and Sheriff Joe. Our own Gov Hick is about to sign a bill to legalize the use of rain barrels.

Last edited by suzco; 04-04-2016 at 04:11 PM..
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Old 04-04-2016, 04:56 PM
 
Location: The Berk in Denver, CO USA
13,947 posts, read 20,196,196 times
Reputation: 22575
Default Water, not just for buffalos

Quote:
Originally Posted by suzco View Post
Our own Gov Hick is about to sign a bill to legalize the use of rain barrels.
The not-tortoises, but turtles, lobby got to him.
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Old 04-05-2016, 09:28 PM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
4,697 posts, read 4,332,367 times
Reputation: 10278
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzco View Post
Forget worrying about the Arizona governor and Sheriff Joe. Our own Gov Hick is about to sign a bill to legalize the use of rain barrels.
WHAT? Just any idiot can walk in off the street and get water from a rain-barrel?
That goes against the Code of the West, and our govenor knows that. I say seal all those turtles plus lots of rabble-rousing frogs into those very barrels and Fed Ex 'em to Congress. That's the only way ANYTHING gets done these days. *shakes head*

Quote:
Originally Posted by davebarnes View Post
The not-tortoises, but turtles, lobby got to him.
Citizens United is getting so impossible that a not-tortoise group can actually buy out our Govenor for a few Real Tortoise Shell combs and other reptile inspired ornamentations. Tsk.
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Old 04-06-2016, 05:54 AM
 
Location: CO
2,591 posts, read 5,986,911 times
Reputation: 3407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
. . .
. . . I say seal all those turtles plus lots of rabble-rousing frogs into those very barrels. . .
heehee - let em all croak - make us all hoppy. Well maybe not the not-tortoises, or the not-bunny bundies.
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