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Old 04-21-2009, 10:17 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 4,195,133 times
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I've been told that a father must live near his kids if there's a divorce. Not that all do, of course, but that is best for the kids. And you will be worth much more to your kids than keeping the salary you have just to support them financially. Support them emotionally and be there for them. That they will treasure.
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Old 04-22-2009, 05:34 AM
 
Location: New England
8,156 posts, read 13,079,563 times
Reputation: 3181
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevelo View Post
So moving any time soon is really out of the question anyway Basically, I'm screwed. I understand there are differing opinions on this, but this guy is going to replace me as their father and I'm extremely unhappy about it... and there's nothing I can do. I dislike him to the point that if the children stay there through high school, if he's going to be present at graduation ceremonies I will not attend, no matter how much pleading there is. That's how much he turns my stomach. I've told the X about it and said "WE are his parents. I would not bring my S.O. to the ceremony and I think you should respect my wishes in this matter." I mean, after all, I'm the ones that have had my children taken from my life, and approaching age 50, I don't have a hell of a lot to live for anymore with them gone.
I think you just posted the real issue. Maybe it would be good to go talk with someone about it. I'm not being a "jerk" either, I'm serious.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-22-2009, 05:56 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
17,198 posts, read 20,217,975 times
Reputation: 26279
There's nothing wrong with CT, but if you don't want to be separated from your children, sue for custody.
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Old 04-22-2009, 05:57 AM
 
Location: Londonderry, NH
33,797 posts, read 29,233,166 times
Reputation: 15647
Point the first: Cheshire Ct is a very neat little suburban community near Hartford, but not real convenient to Bradley Field, that, last I heard has good schools and active community life.

Point the second: you lost control of your ex-wife (I can guess why) when she got the divorce. You also lost control of your children. Get used to it. Work on why the divorce was needed and make the needed changes to yourself if you ever expect to live with anyone again.

Point the third: What is past is past. You do not need to control everything. Keep in touch with your kids on birthdays and holidays and, while you are visiting, make any criticism to their mother and new father in PRIVATE without the kids around to over hear. Your loathing for the new guy is your problem not theirs’.

Point the fourth: Get over yourself
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:06 AM
 
Location: right here
888 posts, read 2,205,571 times
Reputation: 410
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevelo View Post
I have a standard visitation schedule but I did have it modified so I have them a month in the summer, but that's not practical right now because I have not been able to find an acceptable sitting situation... they're too old for daycare. So I see them basically for a week at Christmas, a week in the summer - they also spend a week at my parents' house in Iowa - and for Spring Break.

Their mother has volunteered to bring them any time I want this summer - but I *still* do not like the living situation they're going into. The guy has spent LESS time with them in the 3+ years he's known here than I have on my three visits that they've been here, and my visit to Iowa last summer. The only plus there is here is that because she's an airline employee, she does have free flights, in about five years they'll be old enough to fly by themselves... but that's still means I'm missing out on five years of their lives.

They've never met his teen boys. They've never met his parents, who will be sitting them part of the time. They've never BEEN to CT. I think this is very, very wrong. She thinks because she likes this guy so well that its all going to be hunky dory.

I have an extremely good paying job I'm not in a position to give up - due to child support - just to move closer unless I can find a transfer. I could probably easily go to DC with my agency, but that still puts me a plane ride or a long drive away, and folks - I lived in that metro for 4+ years and it stinks as a place to live. Horrible traffic, cost of living is outrageous. I don't think CT's traffic is as bad, but the taxes and housing costs are actually higher than California's (at least Northern California where I live in the Central Valley).

So moving any time soon is really out of the question anyway Basically, I'm screwed. I understand there are differing opinions on this, but this guy is going to replace me as their father and I'm extremely unhappy about it... and there's nothing I can do. I dislike him to the point that if the children stay there through high school, if he's going to be present at graduation ceremonies I will not attend, no matter how much pleading there is. That's how much he turns my stomach. I've told the X about it and said "WE are his parents. I would not bring my S.O. to the ceremony and I think you should respect my wishes in this matter." I mean, after all, I'm the ones that have had my children taken from my life, and approaching age 50, I don't have a hell of a lot to live for anymore with them gone.
Well as someone who has experience with this situation I say, swallow your pride and attend whatever special times there are. The kids only grow up once and he will NEVER really replace you as the father. Call them all the time to keep the lines open. Maybe or maybe not will her relationship work out with this guy and you need to be there for the kids. Ct is a pretty simple place to live and maybe the kids will like all the outdoorsy stuff. Funny I'm from Iowa too and I was the mother who took the kids away.
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:27 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,870,399 times
Reputation: 1591
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevelo View Post
Short story, I'm divorced, 47, live in Sacramento, my children, who are 9 and 7, are moving to CT with their mother from Savannah, GA. Ostensibly because the schools are better, but the real reason is Delta had a transfer open and she wants to be in Cheshire with her BF (LDR) of four years.I do NOT like this guy. I do NOT want my children being raised by him, and I'm truly in a quandary of whether its worth it - or not - to try to get transferred out there from California myself. I had an opportunity to apply for a transfer to Providence 6 weeks ago, but when I brought it up with the X she said "We're staying in Savannah for the foreseeable future." I know that she probably lied about how "quickly" these open spots with her airline became available (she's counter help), because you have to put in your paperwork beforehand.The guy does have two older teenage sons, but he's a former jock and really has no idea how to deal with kids. My son is 9, a nerd, very bright and totally non-athletic. This guy does triathlons (quite well) and races constantly. My daughter who is 7 is also very bright.I lived on the East Coast for better than a decade, in Northern and Central Virginia, and my impressions of it overall are pretty negative. All I've heard about NE from people who have lived there is that between the weather, high prices, and rude, unfriendly people that they're glad they're not there anymore. I think she believes she's moving them into some kind of upper-class heaven. While I agree that the schools in suburban CT are better than in Georgia, I have really strong misgivings about this, especially since one of her reason for moving to CT is that 'everyone is white', and she talks about how horrible California is because of its diversity.I do not want to move, because I don't want it to look like to the children that their mother is dictating my life choices. I don't think I could stand it between the weather and the overcrowding on the East Coast, and while I might see my children more often, constantly fighting with my X over every single issue does not seem appealing to me.Try to convince me I'm wrong, and no, I'm not trolling, I just want honest opinions. Thank you.
You are so totally wrong about CT especially Cheshire. We live just a stone's throw from Cheshire and it is absolutely gorgeous over there with great schools. Cheshire Academy is there and they have one of the best High Schools around. I have also never heard anything negative about their grammar schools. Oh, by the way...your ex is so WRONG about everyone here being white. Just not a true statement at all. I have lived here my entire life and we have white, black, asian, mexican, puerto rican and more. We all get along well and diversity is also a big issue here. So if your wife is borderline racist, she best go live on an island somewhere with no people because diversity is a BIG factor in raising kids properly to respect everyone.

I guess I don't understand you. On one hand you are all into feeling bad because your kids may move then you say you don't want them to think your ex is controlling your life choices. TELL THE TRUTH....you just don't want to relocate and now are scared because your kids will know you don't want to move for them...right?? The excuses you are coming up with like the weather being too cold...overcrowding??? Come on...Sacramento is far more crowded than here as is Georgia. As far as the cold and snow..learn how to take your kids sledding, skiing, snowboarding...enjoy the cold weather. By the way...should you move here for your KIDS, you don't have to do anything but pick them up then leave and not argue with anyone..that would be the mature thing to do.

Stop making excuses for why YOU don't want to move and understand that your ex has to go where the economy is best and if her job is going to take her to Cheshire CT, consider that a blessing; it is a great area for kids to be raised. The more you argue about this the more it looks like it is all about you and not the kids...it is THEIR turn now and you just might have to sacrafice a little to be closer to them...buck up and be a good DAD!
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:45 AM
 
4,784 posts, read 8,023,493 times
Reputation: 3115
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevelo View Post
I have a standard visitation schedule but I did have it modified so I have them a month in the summer, but that's not practical right now because I have not been able to find an acceptable sitting situation... they're too old for daycare. So I see them basically for a week at Christmas, a week in the summer - they also spend a week at my parents' house in Iowa - and for Spring Break.
I find it very sad that you have had the opportunity to see your kids more frequently up until now, but were unable to "because I have not been able to find an acceptable sitting situation...". If I were separated from my children I would move heaven and earth to find an "acceptable sitting situation."

I do think you need to accept that your wife is moving on and making a new life for herself, and her/your children. The children do belong to both of you,as difficult as that is to accept. If you have an issue with the custody arrangements or her move, you should discuss it with your lawyer. And as for the state of Ct. itself, there isn't much more that I can say that hasn't already been said, it's a great place to raise a family. Good luck.
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:59 AM
 
757 posts, read 1,416,768 times
Reputation: 597
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevelo View Post
Short story, I'm divorced, 47, live in Sacramento, my children, who are 9 and 7, are moving to CT with their mother from Savannah, GA. Ostensibly because the schools are better, but the real reason is Delta had a transfer open and she wants to be in Cheshire with her BF (LDR) of four years.

I do NOT like this guy. I do NOT want my children being raised by him, and I'm truly in a quandary of whether its worth it - or not - to try to get transferred out there from California myself. I had an opportunity to apply for a transfer to Providence 6 weeks ago, but when I brought it up with the X she said "We're staying in Savannah for the foreseeable future." I know that she probably lied about how "quickly" these open spots with her airline became available (she's counter help), because you have to put in your paperwork beforehand.

The guy does have two older teenage sons, but he's a former jock and really has no idea how to deal with kids. My son is 9, a nerd, very bright and totally non-athletic. This guy does triathlons (quite well) and races constantly. My daughter who is 7 is also very bright.

I lived on the East Coast for better than a decade, in Northern and Central Virginia, and my impressions of it overall are pretty negative. All I've heard about NE from people who have lived there is that between the weather, high prices, and rude, unfriendly people that they're glad they're not there anymore. I think she believes she's moving them into some kind of upper-class heaven. While I agree that the schools in suburban CT are better than in Georgia, I have really strong misgivings about this, especially since one of her reason for moving to CT is that 'everyone is white', and she talks about how horrible California is because of its diversity.

I do not want to move, because I don't want it to look like to the children that their mother is dictating my life choices. I don't think I could stand it between the weather and the overcrowding on the East Coast, and while I might see my children more often, constantly fighting with my X over every single issue does not seem appealing to me.

Try to convince me I'm wrong, and no, I'm not trolling, I just want honest opinions. Thank you.
I'm sorry but your post makes absolutely no sense to me. Maybe you should post this in the relationship forum.

You are living 3000 miles away from your kids anyway. I would think you would have jumped on the transfer to RI in a heartbeat because even if your kids stayed in GA, they would be so much closer to you. I could care less how much I liked a place if it brought me closer to my children.

Schools ARE much better in CT and the rest of your post about rude, unfriendly, everyone is white people is just rubbish.

Thats my honest opinion. Seems like this is a been there, done that type of thread.
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:12 AM
 
928 posts, read 1,386,627 times
Reputation: 400
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevelo View Post
My children are moving to CT and I'm terrified
Hi bluevelo, there is nothing terrifying about CT, don't worry about the town. Cheshire is a lovely town. I wish we could've afforded it, but it was scootch over our budget. It is not upscale snobby; it is not rude, please don't get anyone started on that subject.
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Old 04-22-2009, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Sacramento, CA
743 posts, read 802,095 times
Reputation: 356
I again appreicate all the input, but... the skill set I have is extremely specialized and I've spent 20+ years building that skill set. I work for the federal gov't, and its *not* as easy as you might think to 'hop' agencies, or to go to the private sector and find a comparable position with salary and benefits that are anywhere NEAR what I have right now.

As to RI, I discussed that option with her 6+ weeks ago when it was available, and she said, at that time "I have no plans to leave Georgia." When the children were here for Spring Break 2 weeks ago, they told me, without prodding, that they were 'moving to CT at the end of the school year' and that my daughter was going to be the flower girl at their marriage.

Of course, by this point the RI job had closed, and its not a possibility anymore. As I said, I could get transferred to DC, but that only puts me in the same time zone, and unless you really make about 200K a year its a miserable place to live from housing and commuting perspectives. I would have made around 103K or so in Providence, and reading the COL/taxes stuff, yes, California is expensive, but the NE is going to beat the daylights out of my pocketbook as a single person. I just read the CT DMV site about getting your car registered, DL, etc. and its so complicated you almost need a lawyer to figure out the damn thing LOL

Anyway, since she said she had no plans to go to CT, why waste time going to PVD? You're still a good plane ride away. So I dropped it, and waited for Spring Break.

I directly asked her right before she came back to pick them up why she'd been hiding this information from me. We have joint legal custody, I only did not fight it when the divorce was settled because she had transferred to Savannah, where she's from, she was living with her parents and she's got a huge family of sisters and cousins down there, so the social network she had for taking care of the children was excellent. I've always had great telephone access and fairly shortly the children will be old enough to do email... and they could probably do webcam now as well.

Anyway, she denied everything and said she had 'no plans to move or marry'. Now, I get a call on Friday, saying that 'suddenly my airline (its Delta) has a redistribution of gate agents opportunity, and there's an opening in BDL' (Hartford) and I think I'm going to apply for it, even though I have mixed feelings about leaving my 80something parents, I don't want to be a caretaker for the next 10-15 years, blah blah blah.

She does not make enough $$$ - and its her choice, and ironically, this is a person that was a few credit hours from graduating from the University of Georgia who 'walked the stage' but never actually finished and has been telling everyone for 30+ years that she did, in fact graduate (I checked with the registrar) - who says education is her # 1 priority - to afford to live anywhere in the US if she's not got a patron.

The thing that kills me is - a bunch of positions like this don't suddenly come up and bite you in the butt from nowhere. I'm sure she knew well in advance and that explains the children's discussions to me. She got mad when I brought it up - and I can tell when she's lying - because I'd found out the truth and she wanted to con me all about this. You know, I wouldn't care about this move *that* much if she would be simply be straight with me, and she just has been lying for so many years that its become second nature to her. I know she bamboozled me for a long time. So yeah, I'm frustrated. The kids aren't going to be starved, they're not going to be beaten or mistreated, but she's going to do everything she can to alienate them from me not because she really wants to be a good mom, but because its more important to her to hurt me than do the best thing for the children. Even if I lived 2 miles away from her in Cheshire, that *still* would be the case. And I would *still* have to go to MS to adjucate anything in the divorce.

Anyway, she said "I can't afford California, you're trying to force me to move out there" but the ONLY reason she can afford CT is because her BF will pay for everything - house, etc... and I'm legitimately worried that she'll quit working as soon as she can for some BS reason and - ah, there go the free flights. I'm already paying her about $200 a month above formula support for the 'free' plane tickets.

The only reason she's going to CT is because of the BF, and not the education. If the children were average students - and they're not - the excuse would be that 'they need the special education programs they have there'. I'm dealing with a person that has BPD and is not very honest, and yes, I was an idiot for marrying and reproducing with her, but what's done, is done.

This, and not so much CT, is why I'm worried. I just see this whole relationship bombing big time and it hurting the children. You have all given me good advice, from wait and see, actively pursue custody (if that's even possible), or move there. I've lived all over this country and from what i've seen, despite all of its warts, California is just as good as anywhere else. Scenery and seasons are a little different, and there are good and bad school systems everywhere. I would daresay that the disparity between the rich and poor that I've heard about CT really troubles me as well... we do have a larger middle class in California than people think, and the housing bubble has popped here and its gotten much more affordable, particularly here in Northern California.
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