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Old 06-22-2014, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Texas
42,290 posts, read 49,879,075 times
Reputation: 67171

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I would speculate that there are more parents like me who for whatever reason were alerted to the baby in the car than there are parents who have buried their children because they left them in the car.

I don't understand how this happens but I know it does. It happened to me. The article states that this usually happens when the parent is stressed, fatigued and deviates from their normal routine. That's what was going on with me. I had been putting out fires at work while getting up for midnight feedings and day care drop off wasn't my normal routine. I can't explain why the brain replaces what happened with what usually happens but I know it does. I think it's the same thing that used to happen to me when I was working 60 hours a week and driving 45 miles to get to and from work. I cannot tell you how many times I arrived at work and didn't remember the commute at all or how many times I drove right past my exit and didn't realize it until I was several miles past my exit. If you read the article, it goes into the structure of the brain believed responsible for this. We do not process everything we see and contrary to your belief, you don't notice every little thing that's out of place. You notice some of them. It's like others never happened. Since you only remember the ones you noticed, from your perspective, you noticed them all however I will bet you dollars to donuts that you did not.
Maybe it helps that I am always stressed, always fatigued, and have no routine.

Even if you forget initially, after about five minutes, wouldn't you be like..."Wait a minute..."
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Old 06-22-2014, 11:45 AM
 
3,720 posts, read 4,445,722 times
Reputation: 4741
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juram View Post
A mistake= "Oops, I bumped into a car while backing out of my parking spot.


A mistake= "I forgot my keys and now I am locked out of my house."


A mistake= "I forgot our anniversary."



A mistake does not = "I forgot my toddler in the car for EIGHT HOURS."


That's not a mistake, that's negligent idiocy of the highest order. You don't just forget to drop your kid off at daycare and then forget he's still actually in the car and then leave him there the whole day. That isn't a mistake.
If your mind is elsewhere you can forgot a whole lot of stuff. Maybe the daycare was a new routine for them and he simply forgot the child was in the back seat. Unless there is proof of past abuse I'll assume it was a terrible oversight that ended tragically.
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Old 06-22-2014, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,754,018 times
Reputation: 14503
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Maybe it helps that I am always stressed, always fatigued, and have no routine.

Even if you forget initially, after about five minutes, wouldn't you be like..."Wait a minute..."
If you read the article, it explains why this doesn't happen. The brain over writes the days events with that of a typical day so to the parent, the child is safely in day care or with the other parent so there is no child in the car to remember. Many parents have driven to day care to pick up their child with their child's corpse in the back seat because they believed their child was at day care. What surprised me most about my own experience was my reaction when I realized my dd was in the car. It wasn't "HOLY CRAP I FORGOT THE BABY" it was "What's she doing there?". In my mind, she was with her father. I don't think I would have remembered she was in the car because I didn't forget she was in the car. I didn't realize she was in the car. In my mind she was with her dad and it was a normal day. I know I had to have put her in the car but I did not remember putting her in the car. It's like that event never got put into long term memory. Most of what we experience is quickly eliminated from our brains. I won't say forgotten because you can only forget what you remembered in the first place. To be remembered, an event has to move from short term memory to long term memory. If it doesn't make that move, it never happened. I put the baby in the car, got into the car, started the car and the event of putting the baby in the car was gone. It was a typical day and I was on my way to work. I wouldn't have remembered her in the car later because in my mind I never put her in the car. I can't explain it but the article attempts to explain it. I'm stunned it happened. While there are hundreds of things that our minds analyze and dismiss never even attempting to put them in long term storage every day I never would have thought the act of putting my own child in my car could be one of them but it happened.

Like so many parents who have worked the entire day and even driven to day care to pick up their child, I would not have remembered the baby in the car because I didn't realize the baby was in the car. Somehow my brain didn't retain that single event that morning of putting the baby in the car and in my mind it was a typical day and dh had dd and was taking her to day care. I have no idea why I looked back at the car as I got out. None whatsoever. It wasn't a voice in my head telling me to look back, reminding me that my dd was in the car. It was an unconscious action that saved her life. Had she not moved her hand that instant, I would have walked into the building thinking dh was taking dd to day care. I have no doubt had I walked into that building I would not have thought about dd until it was time to leave to nurse her at lunch time and then I would have driven to the day care because that's where she was. This isn't I forgot she was in the car. In my mind she simply wasn't in the car. My reaction to seeing her in the car was "What's she doing there?" then I remembered dh asking me to take her to day care (I don't recall putting her in the car) and I realized what almost happened. Needless to say I was very shaken up by the event. I think I double/triple/quadruple checked to make sure that carseat was empty every time I got out of the car after that. I used to put a teddy bear in the car seat and I'd still check the car seat.

Now that I'm a teacher and I have high demands on my memory, I've learned to instruct my students to stand there until I take care of something. I've found that three events happening too quickly push the first event out of my brain. If I get three requests from students to check a grade, whatever, in fast succession, I won't remember even being asked about the first one. My brain also seems to dismiss things once done. I'll get requests to enter a grade, do it and have no recollection of having done it. I'll go into the grade book and the grade is there but I don't recall putting it there. The brain just doesn't hang on to every action we take. It's like baby safely buckled in, brief case in trunk, keys in hand, purse on floor, off to work... and baby buckled safely into car seat was gone like it never happened...and I never took the right to the day care. I took the left to work. Somewhere in this string of events, typical day mode was activated and over wrote baby in the back seat and on a typical day, dh took dd to day care so I went to work.

I have nothing but sympathy for these parents. But for the grace of God go I. I'm not stupid. I'm not a bad mother. I'm not negligent. I love my kids. I prayed for years to have dd. I worked my butt off to pay the medical bills so we could have her (dh had to have a vas reversal that was not cheap). It's like someone wiped a magnet over a credit card and the data was erased...it never happened. Even after I saw dd in the back seat I could not remember putting her there. I know I had to have but I don't remember doing it. The moment plays over and over in my brain. I get out of the car, I look back at the car and think "That's an odd way for the sun to move" as I look at what I at first thought was a reflection of the sun on the window. Then I realize it's dd's hand and I think "What's she doing there"....then it hits me, I drop everything and my knees go out from under me. There are flaws in human memory that can be fatal.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-22-2014 at 01:15 PM..
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Old 06-22-2014, 08:37 PM
 
10,424 posts, read 7,513,680 times
Reputation: 18391
The coroner is waiting for more info from the police before releasing their findings.
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Old 06-22-2014, 08:47 PM
 
Location: California
29,634 posts, read 31,973,225 times
Reputation: 24763
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
No.

I do know you can look away for only a second and your kid is in the pool or out in the street.

I get that.

Forgetting them in the car makes ZERO sense to me.

That being said, it should not be too hard to have a pressure sensor designed o alarm if your car is not running and someone is in the seat for more than a couple minutes.
We must find a work-around.
Yes. It doesn't make sense to you because you aren't understanding the process, sometimes there is nothing for the brain to forget. This is NOT "looking away for a second" stuff.

Signed,

-a mom who managed to raise two kids to adulthood despite herself.
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Old 06-22-2014, 08:48 PM
 
11,121 posts, read 6,616,341 times
Reputation: 20131
Quote:
Originally Posted by trishguard View Post
If your mind is elsewhere you can forgot a whole lot of stuff. Maybe the daycare was a new routine for them and he simply forgot the child was in the back seat. Unless there is proof of past abuse I'll assume it was a terrible oversight that ended tragically.
Not saying it was abuse, but it doesn't seem like it was due to a change in routine. The dad was supposed to be taking the baby to his work's onsite daycare facility. So it would seem like the baby always went to work with him. And at 22 months, its not like it was a newborn and new to going to daycare. The whole story just doesn't make sense. You would think with the on site daycare he would always be the one taking and picking up his child, but he doesn't even go to the daycare to pick up his child at the end of the day. Its not until he is driving home and looked back into the backseat that he realized he had completely forgotten his child. I'm with the other poster, does this man never look in his rearview mirror? At 22 months he probably wasn't in a rear facing car seat. He didn't look back at all during his drive to work? It just doesn't make much sense...
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Old 06-22-2014, 09:43 PM
 
5,574 posts, read 5,548,752 times
Reputation: 16468
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00 View Post
At 22 months he probably wasn't in a rear facing car seat. He didn't look back at all during his drive to work? It just doesn't make much sense...
Not necessarily true. There are recommendations now to extend rear facing to at least 2 years old.
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Old 06-22-2014, 09:53 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,978 posts, read 12,400,860 times
Reputation: 29197
Quote:
Originally Posted by hitman619 View Post
Being a child of the 70's, I don't remember people leaving their kids in the car to die as much as I see it now a days.
In this day and age there should no reason to leave your kid in the car for 2-6 hours
Throw the book at Him/Her
It wasn't like he did this on purpose. He forgot he had his son in the back seat to take to day care where he worked. As a "child of the 70s", one reason you should know how parents wouldn't forget their child in the back seat was that the biggest part of the time seat belts weren't required and, as soon as you stopped the car, the youngster was either opening the door or climbing over the back of the seat to get out with you.
Throw the book at him? He's got the worst punishment he could have without having to go to court. Imagine this happened to you and having to go home where your son should be playing in the yard or looking at all the pictures on the walls.
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Old 06-22-2014, 10:08 PM
 
15,067 posts, read 8,597,648 times
Reputation: 25142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
If you read the article, it explains why this doesn't happen. The brain over writes the days events with that of a typical day so to the parent, the child is safely in day care or with the other parent so there is no child in the car to remember. Many parents have driven to day care to pick up their child with their child's corpse in the back seat because they believed their child was at day care. What surprised me most about my own experience was my reaction when I realized my dd was in the car. It wasn't "HOLY CRAP I FORGOT THE BABY" it was "What's she doing there?". In my mind, she was with her father. I don't think I would have remembered she was in the car because I didn't forget she was in the car. I didn't realize she was in the car. In my mind she was with her dad and it was a normal day. I know I had to have put her in the car but I did not remember putting her in the car. It's like that event never got put into long term memory. Most of what we experience is quickly eliminated from our brains. I won't say forgotten because you can only forget what you remembered in the first place. To be remembered, an event has to move from short term memory to long term memory. If it doesn't make that move, it never happened. I put the baby in the car, got into the car, started the car and the event of putting the baby in the car was gone. It was a typical day and I was on my way to work. I wouldn't have remembered her in the car later because in my mind I never put her in the car. I can't explain it but the article attempts to explain it. I'm stunned it happened. While there are hundreds of things that our minds analyze and dismiss never even attempting to put them in long term storage every day I never would have thought the act of putting my own child in my car could be one of them but it happened.

Like so many parents who have worked the entire day and even driven to day care to pick up their child, I would not have remembered the baby in the car because I didn't realize the baby was in the car. Somehow my brain didn't retain that single event that morning of putting the baby in the car and in my mind it was a typical day and dh had dd and was taking her to day care. I have no idea why I looked back at the car as I got out. None whatsoever. It wasn't a voice in my head telling me to look back, reminding me that my dd was in the car. It was an unconscious action that saved her life. Had she not moved her hand that instant, I would have walked into the building thinking dh was taking dd to day care. I have no doubt had I walked into that building I would not have thought about dd until it was time to leave to nurse her at lunch time and then I would have driven to the day care because that's where she was. This isn't I forgot she was in the car. In my mind she simply wasn't in the car. My reaction to seeing her in the car was "What's she doing there?" then I remembered dh asking me to take her to day care (I don't recall putting her in the car) and I realized what almost happened. Needless to say I was very shaken up by the event. I think I double/triple/quadruple checked to make sure that carseat was empty every time I got out of the car after that. I used to put a teddy bear in the car seat and I'd still check the car seat.

Now that I'm a teacher and I have high demands on my memory, I've learned to instruct my students to stand there until I take care of something. I've found that three events happening too quickly push the first event out of my brain. If I get three requests from students to check a grade, whatever, in fast succession, I won't remember even being asked about the first one. My brain also seems to dismiss things once done. I'll get requests to enter a grade, do it and have no recollection of having done it. I'll go into the grade book and the grade is there but I don't recall putting it there. The brain just doesn't hang on to every action we take. It's like baby safely buckled in, brief case in trunk, keys in hand, purse on floor, off to work... and baby buckled safely into car seat was gone like it never happened...and I never took the right to the day care. I took the left to work. Somewhere in this string of events, typical day mode was activated and over wrote baby in the back seat and on a typical day, dh took dd to day care so I went to work.

I have nothing but sympathy for these parents. But for the grace of God go I. I'm not stupid. I'm not a bad mother. I'm not negligent. I love my kids. I prayed for years to have dd. I worked my butt off to pay the medical bills so we could have her (dh had to have a vas reversal that was not cheap). It's like someone wiped a magnet over a credit card and the data was erased...it never happened. Even after I saw dd in the back seat I could not remember putting her there. I know I had to have but I don't remember doing it. The moment plays over and over in my brain. I get out of the car, I look back at the car and think "That's an odd way for the sun to move" as I look at what I at first thought was a reflection of the sun on the window. Then I realize it's dd's hand and I think "What's she doing there"....then it hits me, I drop everything and my knees go out from under me. There are flaws in human memory that can be fatal.
That is very frightening and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I, too, reserve judgment whenever I read of these sorts of tragic incidents (not like adults leaving kids in the car while they go gambling or that sort of thing).

The thing I notice about these sorts of threads, across multiple forums on the internet, is that many posters go above and beyond in their harsh criticism and condemnation of the parent for forgetting their child/infant in the vehicle.

I think what's going on psychologically is that deep inside, things like these hit too close for comfort, and the only way these people can 'reassure' themselves is by condemning the parent in the harshest of terms, as if to tell others that they themselves would never do something so irresponsible.
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Old 06-22-2014, 11:24 PM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,767,622 times
Reputation: 3694
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
They need to use an alarm that goes off if you don't remove the child from the seat once your door is open. I'm sure if they've not come up with this already they are working on it right now. I mean we strap them in like they're going to mars on the space shuttle, I'm sure eventually an alarm will be installed in these things.
They have been trying to pass legislation for years that makes it so cars have sensors in the back if there is a certain weight to beep, but nobody will pass it apparently.

I found another interesting article on tips for parents:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/1412...ent#commentBox

There are also 'safety first' mirrors you can buy to where you can look in your rear view and see if you child is in the carseat or not

Safety 1st Baby View Mirror - Safety 1st - Toys "R" Us

That's just an example of one, IMO they are very cheap and definitely worth it! I put 2 on my registry One for me and one for hubby

Funny story I learned, once my mom had friends come over, I was about one year old. She got up with her and her friends to go out, and as they were pulling away her friend looks at her and says "where's your daughter?" and my mom goes OMG MY BABY! They stop and she runs back inside and apparently I was sitting there where she left me in front of the TV, staring at the door. She said when I saw her I laughed. She felt TERRIBLE as a mother for a momentary brain fart lol. This was early 80s, so nope, apparently didn't think about the fact I wasn't in my carseat, I remember riding in the car with my mom and dad and sister, sans carseats.

Last edited by beera; 06-22-2014 at 11:41 PM..
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