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Just the act of publishing the obit was an act of anger. If they weren't still feeling hostile there wouldn't have been an obit, or the obit would have just stated bare facts without dragging out all the skeletons. That was not the act of people who no longer care.
The newspaper in my town has not had free obituaries for years (maybe decades). Their minimum cost for an obit is $500 (a brief two paragraph notice). My husband wanted a detailed obit with a photo (as he had been disabled for years and had lost touch with most of his old friends and former coworkers). It was shorter than the obit in question and cost over a thousand dollars to print.
The newspaper does not even list all the deaths in the city (even just their name). You have to pay for an obituary.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
In many papers, death notices are published, often followed with: no services planned.
I always wonder about that - sad.
I believe that in some areas, "No services planned" can actually mean "Private services" or services/activities with the immediate family only or even "The family is in such shock that they can't think straight right now. Probably a celebration of life will be planned later".
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-06-2018 at 08:59 AM..
At the very least, it would have given their mother a chance to know what they felt as well as give her a chance to make amends.
And who's to say that she would have even cared?
Personal experience...approx 6 years ago, I tried with my father. I got to hear about 15 minutes worth of he and his wife blaming everyone else for their problems in life, including my mother, and most of his family, and then proceeded to tell me that they were planning on taking all of us kids on a trip to the Bahamas (myself, and her three children, all older than myself), but since we "were all being *c*hitheads, they decided not to". Yes, she actually used the word that started with s there...which would have been an interesting trick, seeing as how I hadn't been in contact with either of them for the prior 15 years, and from what her son told me later, two of hers had extremely limited contact with her due to her behavior.
It was obvious that there was absolutely zero remorse or regret over what happened 15 years prior. They had my address and phone number, and made zero attempts at any further contact, including when he died.
Personal experience...approx 6 years ago, I tried with my father. I got to hear about 15 minutes worth of he and his wife blaming everyone else for their problems in life, including my mother, and most of his family, and then proceeded to tell me that they were planning on taking all of us kids on a trip to the Bahamas (myself, and her three children, all older than myself), but since we "were all being *c*hitheads, they decided not to". Yes, she actually used the word that started with s there...which would have been an interesting trick, seeing as how I hadn't been in contact with either of them for the prior 15 years, and from what her son told me later, two of hers had extremely limited contact with her due to her behavior.
It was obvious that there was absolutely zero remorse or regret over what happened 15 years prior. They had my address and phone number, and made zero attempts at any further contact, including when he died.
There are few certainties in life but this is one: Louses always believe they have ample justification for being lousy people.
It appears that two such people found each other in your case. They probably even believed that whole made-up story about taking the kids to the Bahamas and were self-righteously angry because the ungrateful brats' behavior deprived them of it.
There's screwed-up and then there's industrial grade screwed-up.
Clearly being abandoned by his mother had a long lasting impact on him, one that has transcended into adulthood. .
Obviously. Who wouldn't be impacted negatively by that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Percentage
The fact that the mother (and not the father) is being referenced in this manner is a telling sign of how things may have progressed; at least, from the sons perspective..
The fact that the father is seen as somewhat inconsequential is predictable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Percentage
Stop trivializing his ordeal with the grand parents argument. He wanted to be with his mother and that is NOT too much to ask for.
Why do you want me to argue that?
I'm arguing that somebody else's obituary is not the appropriate venue for therapy. I don't know enough details to grab my pitchfork & join the rabble against some dead woman.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. In-Between
Well. I guess they showed her a thing or two, didn't they?
They showed those who respected and admired her, which was the intent, IMHO.
That her selfishness caused life-long grief for her first two children. And if I had a respected elderly relative die and the obit read like that, yes, it would take them down a peg or two in my estimation.
Or maybe she was actually a horrible person, and the kids are relieved that she's gone?
My biological father passed away a couple years ago...and I finally was able to find peace in life after he was dead, as I no longer was spending my days wondering what he or his wife were going to do this time around to screw with my, and or my mother's, lives. This was after years of emotional abuse, and his wife's multiple futile attempts to fabricate stories in order to get me sent to juvenile detention solely so my father wouldn't have to pay child support.
This was after he pulled stunts such as randomly cancelling the health insurance on my sister and I, knowing my mother wasn't anywhere even remotely close to being able to afford the shortfall. Even after I turned 18, he and his wife continued to go out of their way to spread lies about all of us, for YEARS after. I eventually moved across the country just to get away from anyone that knew the family name.
I found out about his death a couple months after the fact by my step-brother (her son), who I've never been close to. To say that I was happy when he finally kicked the bucket would be a pretty extreme understatement. If I was in the position to write an obit for him, I can't say that I would have been as nice as these two kids were.
Angry? You betcha. 30+years of dealing with his BS takes it's toll.
I completely understand where you are coming from even though, I, fortunately had a happy childhood. Some parents are parents only because of biology they do not act the role and they do not deserve the honor that comes with a name like "Mom" or "Dad'. I have always been of the opinion that respect needs to be earned in life. It is not something that people are automatically entitled to because of biology or any other reason. My two children and wife respect me, but it is not simply because I am a father or a husband. It is because I do the best that I can to be worthy of these titles.
There is a taboo in our society (perhaps everywhere) about speaking ill of the dead. I am not unnecessarily rude and I would probably not have gone to length of taking out this kind of obituary. Yet, I am not backwards about criticizing those who have departed this life if they deserve it. I can think of people in high positions who mistreated me over the years. I can also think of a few uncaring school teachers, an unbelievably bad neighbor, and a couple of clients who were outright grifters. I can think of those who were gratuitously nasty, rude, or condescending. I call their behavior what it was and do so with no pangs of guilt whether they are in this world or the next.
I prefer those who are honest to those who are passive aggressive. I wish everyone did. One can be honest and polite at the same time.
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