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A friend and classmate emailed me asking me if I was interested in doing a summer externship. She said she thought it would be great if we could do an externship together. This set me pondering...
I often say that offline I have no friends. To me this is true. I have no one that I want to call and so I don't call anyone, I don't write anyone, I don't text anyone unless there's something that we need to get done such as group work, or homework, or to get information. I don't share much information about my life, yet, I am not intentionally private. I'm willing to share it if the topic comes up and I instinctively feel that now would be a good time to share this, but never otherwise. But I have found that to others, the reverse might be true as often times when they introduce me they've said, "This is my friend _______." They invite me to dinner, send me letters and postcards, ask me to spend time with them, to come over, to accompany them to the hospital and work with them, they ask me if I'm available to hang out and often try to get me to participate in their events.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I have one-sided friendships. My perception of a friend seems to be different from others as well. For me, a friend is someone who I feel the natural desire to share my world with. And so it has nothing to do with time, proximity, interaction, common interests, or setting. It has to do with desire and instinct. In the past, I would try to find a "cure" for my "illness"; I would try to diagnose myself with some kind of avoidant attachment style, or label myself as anti-social, or introverted or something. But I realize this isn't necessarily the case at all.
I recently tried to distance from a friend who sent me a postcard and said she wanted to hang out. I felt I had to be real with her, to tell her that I just didn't want to, that I'm really busy with nursing school, that I just wanted to be. So I told her via email. She called me the next day and began to reminisce on 9th grade, and the following day insisted that she'd wait until I had the time to hang out this summer. In the past, this might've infuriated me. "Why won't she just leave me alone?!" I might've labeled her as clingy, over attached, co-dependent. But it's just not that black and white.
Social dynamics are probably one of the most complicated...webs I've ever had to encounter. I've always had a love/hate relationship with it because it's something I never could understand in its entirety. I've measured myself by social standards, I've measured myself by my own standards and also chastised the rest of the world for not living up to it. But we're so complex! And we're even more complex when individuals interact with one another. There's so many things about myself and others that I just do not fully understand. I've always sought mutuality, seeing eye to eye, 50/50 in everything! But I've never seen or had utter "perfection" in a single social dynamic. At certain points I've had to concede, I've had to talk more than I wanted to, I've had to stand up for myself, I've had to seek group consensus, I've had to be more assertive, I've had to part ways, I've had to reconcile. It's just never been "perfect".
I am finally willing to accept that many of these social dynamics cannot be measured, labeled and fit neatly into a box. It's just not that clean cut and so with this post, I'm laying my social dynamics issues to rest.
I always get nervous when I get "too happy". I remember the first time I began to question my existence. It happened not too long after asking why life has been so good to me, why all things seem to pan out so perfectly for me. It was like I fell from a high place into a low ditch. I had to claw myself out again and since that time I have been cautious not to be "too happy" again.
In a twist of fate, a friend sent me a message via text asking me if I'd be interested in a paid externship program at the hospital I was born in. In addition to this, I also have a screening at a hospital I've fallen in love with. I have the opportunity to continue on fulfilling my dream and I've once again begun to ask myself, "why is life being so good to me?"
I'm scared. I know what it's like to fall from a high place. When you stay close to the ground, the pit isn't so far away. And I am aware of my programmed next step. At this point, I usually stop trying, I usually pull away, look away, try to find something to distract me from the happiness I am feeling otherwise I lean into it far too much and destroy it with clingy behavior, afraid to let it go.
Quote:
"Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.
Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die."
- Oscar Wilde
Dear God,
When I look back on my life, I see that you were there in the Darkest of Night carrying me through. I couldn't see it in the intense darkness and I feared you had left me behind. I've told my story time and time again and it no longer feels like my own. I feel like a new creature and I don't want to tell my story any more.
I've had panic attacks over the possibility of failure, presentations, death, the dark,and feared what others would think of me. I've feared being crazy, or being despised, discredited, of never being good enough for all the things I've truly wanted in life.
I'm asking myself why I'm writing you this letter as I am right now. I guess I'm writing you this letter to express my desire for you to always push me, never give up on me, even in the moments when I feel I have given up on myself. Continue to mold and transform me.
I just learned today how valuable it is to have family and friends, of all genders in one's life.
I've spent a large portion of my life trying hard not to rely on others. I never wanted to "owe" anyone. Ever. And so I often took precautions so as to avoid it. I made sure that I never asked anyone for favors when I could help it so as to ensure that if they ever asked me for a favor, I was never obligated to perform that duty for them. In this way, I figured I could minimize attachments and entanglements and be rid of all unpleasant obligations.
But today as I drove off to leave my campus, a man in his car informed me that I had a flat tire. I've never had a flat tire and I had no idea how to change it. In the midst of faces, I had no recognizable friends and no one I felt comfortable calling except my family. So I did. I called my uncle. And he told me to ask someone around to help me change the tire. I approached a valet of sorts and he agreed to help.
Three hours later the tire is unable to be changed, four men, 7 different tools have been used, my uncle and dad are on their way with the AAA, none of the lug nuts are able to be removed, and a classmate from my nursing school has now stepped in to try and offer aid.
As I explain to the "valet of sorts" that my uncle and dad are on their way, he says, "That's good. See? They care about you." I just smile and nod somewhat dismissively. And as my classmate changes the tire and waits with me for triple A to arrive, I start seeing him from another angle. I start seeing him as a friend.
Without really knowing why, I always tried to keep people at a certain distance. I actually remember the days when I use to say, "I don't speak loudly because when I do people seem to gravitate to me more." I remember when I use to say, "I always feel like people want me around more than I want to be around and this drives me crazy!" I had reasoned it out that I just didn't want the attention, that people were just clingy and needy and couldn't stand on their own two feet. But having car trouble put it a bit into perspective.
If man were a completely independent creature, he would've come walking out of the womb, he would've learned from birth how to cook his own food, how to hunt, dress himself, from birth. But we rely on others to teach us how to do so.
Paulo Coelho's book, "The Zahir", The Favour Bank is mentioned:
Quote:
‘What is this Favour Bank?’
‘It was an American writer who first mentioned it. It’s the most powerful bank in the world, and you’ll find it in every sphere of life.’
‘What favours could I do for anyone?’
‘That doesn’t matter in the least. Let me give you an example: I know that one day, you’ll be very influential. I know this because, like you, I too was once ambitious, independent, honest. I no longer have the energy I once had, but I want to help you because I can’t or don’t want to grind to a halt just yet.
I start making deposits in your account – not cash deposits, you understand, but contacts. I introduce you to such and such a person, I arrange certain deals, as long as they’re legal. You know that you owe me something, but I never ask you for anything.’
‘And then one day…’
‘ One day, I’ll ask you for a favour. You do what I ask, I continue to help you, and other people see that you’re a decent, loyal sort of person and so they too make deposits in your account – always in the form of contacts, because this world is made up of contacts and nothing else. They too will one day ask you for a favour, and you will respect and help the people who have helped you. You’ll know everyone you need to know and your influence will keep on growing.’
‘I could refuse to do what you ask me to do.’
‘You could. The Favour Bank is a risky investment, just like any other bank. You refuse to grant the favour I asked you, in the belief that I helped you because you deserved to be helped, because everyone should recognise your talent. Fine, I say thank you very much and ask someone else into whose account I’ve also made various deposits, but from then on, everyone knows, without me having to say a word, that you are not to be trusted.
‘And…’
‘You’ll grow only half as much as you could have grown, and certainly not as much as you would have liked to. At a certain point, your life will begin to decline, you got halfway, but not all the way. Neither frustrated nor fulfilled. You’re neither cold nor hot, you’re lukewarm, and as an evangelist in some holy book says: “Lukewarm things are not pleasing to the palate.”‘
For the first time in my life I am beginning to see people from another perspective. Not as needy or co-dependant, not clingy and "wanting me around more than I want to be around", but as a gift, blessing, and a necessary part of my life and evolutionary process. I've always been empathetic, but I have never wanted to share my world with others for fear of creating entanglements and being hurt. It was always a risk that I considered to be "unnecessary". But hurt, like love and passion and triumph teaches. I have to fall in order to know how to get back up.
Exam today. This week has been enlightening and I don't know if it's because I'm putting myself out there to be molded or if these days have just been for enlightenment. In fact, I'm going to stop asking myself this as well because it may very well take the mystery out of it all. My panic attacks have dispersed even during presentations, I sleep well at night, in the dark, in silence, and have found that I've been longing to have my room be darker. I can even watch horror movies and this is amazing to me! I have a new perspective on people, it's like a see a new light to them. In the past I know this would be the moment when I would begin to expect my ENTIRE life to continue down this road and i would've created a formula so as to maintain this. But I'm simply happy to be in the moment.
I don't know what it is but I feel so exhausted. I thought maybe it was just school work and stuff but my workload as all but vanished at this point and I still feel exhausted.
I've been trying to remain aware of myself and I've noticed that it happens over forum use. I feel likely googling it to see if anyone else has these symptoms. "Forum Fatigue". That's what I'll call it. I feel really blahhh these days when I use forums and interact with people via internet, like I just don't want to use them anymore. I've cut out all online "friendships", frequent emails and this is the only forum I use at this point, but I feel I need to take a break as this become way too overwhelming for me.
I guess I knew this was coming as in many of my posts, I keep saying, "Bye" or "I won't be here for a while" and so I guess I'm beginning to have a better understanding of my own patterns. I just really need to get away. Maybe it's time to take on another offline hobby and chuck internet and forum use for as much of the summer as I possibly can. My heart says bounce.
I have a concept of 'slap points' that I developed in my youth. It's similar to the 'favour bank' concept.
It goes like this: everytime you do something nice for someone, you get a slap point. Eventually you accumulate a number of points. You don't have to especially like the person to interact with them, and treat them decently, the point is to get points.
Now, lets say you're having a bad day. You run into a person from whom you regularly collect points. This person is expecting the normal cheery you, but you're not in the mood to show that side of you. Further, he's making it hard for you to interact with him civilly. You can then start turning in your slap points. My system is that for every slap, you loose five points. And, if you actually end up slapping them, you lose all your points.
In this way, you're able to maintain a decent relationship with everyone even when your ugly side wants to make a showing.
Also, I really like your definition of a friend...a person with whom you want to share your world.
So, in the interests of fairness, I'll be taking that definition, and giving you my 'slap points' idea. You're free, of course, to change it up to make it more kosher. Maybe call it 'reverse karma'.
Finally, I too have yet to experience a perfect social dynamic. But the quest for one perists.
Have a nice life,
Me.
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Pact With Defeat
I feel really blahhh these days when I use forums and interact with people via internet, like I just don't want to use them anymore. I've cut out all online "friendships", frequent emails and this is the only forum I use at this point, but I feel I need to take a break as this become way too overwhelming for me. 
