I Almost Killed Myself - The Smoking Will End (running)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
A few things first: Mods, I sincerely hope this is what is meant by, "Daily Journals" in the "Health and Wellness" forum...a journal on our journeys to better health. If it is not, please place this thread appropriately.
To the "tl;dr" folks, move along, then, move along.
So...yesterday. Wow. Yesterday was a huge wake up call for me.
I was going to start off with how I got started smoking but I don't think it matters, what matters is, we do. It would be helpful, I think, for those who simply do not understand how anyone could ever pick up a smoke but maybe that's for another post later on.
Anyway, yesterday I had a number of tests to pass for a job I'm trying to land. Two were physical tests - one I was worried about, the other, I was not. The one I was not worried about was a run. I mean, c'mon, I was in track, I was in the military...I know all about running. Note: We all had to get a physical and clearance from a doctor before we took these tests. I passed the physical.
Now, listen, I hate running, I've always hated running, even when I was in the absolute best shape of my entire life, I hated running. I find no joy, no, "runner's high", none of that. I hate every last second of it from my first step to well after my last step. It's NEVER been enjoyable and I've always ended up with a purple face, in pain and having a hard time breathing by the end of it. Always.
I said all of that for a reason...
I had to get up well before dawn and get going. This was a big strike against me. I do not do mornings. I then had to drive an hour and a half to get to the place. Another strike. Get there, we all meet up, we go over what we are going to be doing, where we are running, how much time we have, etc.
It was a half mile run. Easy peasy, right? Even if you haven't run in some time, should be pretty dang easy. And we had four minutes to do it. Ok, if you haven't run for awhile, you might be pushing it on the time but you should still be able to do it.
Get down to the start line, get all stretched out, and then bam, we are off.
What is even more sad about this little tale is that half of this run was downhill. We started running, down hill, and I once again remember why I absolutely loathe running, why I detest it so badly. It is painful for me, always as been. But I knew how to pace, I knew how to hold my form, so, that's what I was going to do and just get this damn thing over with.
Many people shot out like a bullet from the start line and I'll tell you, I have NEVER been able to get over that, psychologically, no matter how many years I have trained and/or run in my life. It always defeats me when people do that. Another strike against me.
It was cold as hell...another strike against me, trying to breathe in that cold, cold air.
Got to the bottom of the hill, touched the turnaround point, started to go back up the hill and that is when I realized, smoking totally and completely sucks.
It hit me just how hard of a time I was having, breathing. This was not normal, "I hate running!!!!!!!" lack of breathing, this was bad and it was causing me to be unable to move correctly. My limbs did not wish to cooperate, I started to get dizzy, the pain was overwhelming and I was gulping for air.
I really had no idea how I was going to make it and I was angry because really? I'm going to lose this job on a half mile run? REALLY?! I can run a stinking half mile, come on!
I got to the last 30 meters and I thought I was going to pass out. I had to stop running and start walking. Yah, 30 meters to go...but see, I had ALREADY been pushing it with everything I had. A person at the place gave me a bit of motivation, I rested for about 10 seconds and then decided, if I die across that finish line, at least I will have passed.
Well I did make it to the finish line in time. I was able to talk at the end of it, as they wanted us to do. But I was gasping. Literally gasping for breath. My lungs...I can't even tell you what they felt like because I had overall pain. Every single thing on me hurt. Granted, some of that is simply because of running...as stated, running and I have NEVER been friends but this was multiplied. This was amplified. This was horrible. A freakin' half mile. Unbelievable.
I was still gasping for breath when we got back in to the class room where they told us of the next physical test. They went over what we would be doing, what would DQ us and then we got up to go out there. As I stood up I realized, I was going to hurl. I even mentioned I was going to hurl.
Someone got me the trash can, I heard someone else say, "get out of the room" to everyone else, and next thing I knew, I was on my knees, hurling all the water I drank.
From a half mile run!? This is ludicrous!
I recovered from that and pulled myself together as much as possible and met everyone in the hallway where we were doing our next test.
It came to my turn, I was still not recovered from the run, still trying to get breath but we don't have all day, and I need to do this, I need this job. So I got myself mentally motivated, got started and did what I had to do to pass this test. (I'm being vague about this test on purpose as it may give away what I may be doing for work.)
Got done, and as I took one step to my water bottle, one of the other potentials who was trying for this job said my lips were blue. In fact, it wasn't them just saying it, like some people who exaggerate things, they actually started walking towards me because my mouth was, apparently, that blue. Another saw and he also started walking towards me so sure I was going to drop, right there on the spot. I waved them off, "I'm fine", and we walked back to the classroom.
Oh, I was spent. I couldn't breathe right, I couldn't get enough air. I was shaking. It wasn't because a half mile run and this other test was that damn difficult. It was because I smoke and could not get any fricken air in my lungs or throughout the rest of my body.
My face was purple, my lips were blue, I had already hurled....and then I realized the rattling. I have never "rattled" before. Ever. Every breath I was taking, I heard the rattling in my lungs.
We had one more test, it wasn't a physical test it was mental, I guess you could say. Testing your skills, how smart you are, how you think things through, that kind of thing. Half way through this test, I realized I was going to hurl again if we didn't wrap this up soon. Long story short, I passed that, was given a contingent offer on the job, (have to pass a bunch of background checks), and was sent on my merry way.
I still had to drive one and a half hours home. That was the worst, longest, most horrid drive I've ever done. It was painful. It was absolutely painful. I was sick, my lungs were rattling, I was exhausted from having to get up so early and all the crap I had just gone through, what I put myself through, I thought I was going to hurl at any moment, my adrenaline was no longer pumping, I was "coming down", so to speak. (And of course I got behind every last person who wanted to sight see and go 10 UNDER the speed limit...to those who did that: I hate you with every fiber of my being.)
Eventually I made it home. Threw food at the cats, threw the dogs outside, got in my pajamas, retrieved the dogs and went straight to bed. Where I lay, listening to my breath rattling. In and out, rattling, (mostly out). Sick as hell.
I got home about 4pm. I woke up at 2am. Let the dogs out. Went back to bed, sick, rattling. Woke up at 5am. Went back to sleep, sick, rattling. Woke up at 7am. Forced myself to eat something. Decided to write this. I feel ok for now...as long as I don't do much today. And I'm still rattling.
Mentally, I am finally ready to quit. I never really wanted to before which is why I never succeeded. I LIKED smoking. But now? I don't ever want to feel like that again. Ever. I'm done. I'm so done. I'm finally mentally ready.
Physically....that's the hard part. I didn't want one all day yesterday because I felt so sick but I don't want to feel so sick for three to four weeks while this works out of my system...nor will I. I think today will be fairly easy, as well. Tomorrow, it might start to get rough.
I haven't decided if I'm going cold turkey or if I'll do an electronic cig..this time actually taking the time to get the right one, not off the counter at the register of Rite Aid.
I'm coughing like I have bronchitis. I rattle when I breathe.
That didn't happen before the run. It was easy to dismiss what smoking was doing to me. I ran 3 minutes, (with stopping), a half mile and now I sound like one of those 90 year old people hooked up to an oxygen tank who cough and rattle with every breath. I can't even fricken laugh without coughing. Seriously, I'm done.
Just have to get past the physical stuff. I WILL be back...even if I have moments of failure, I will keep this updated. If I get this job, I start in two weeks. I would like to be able to say that I did not have a cigarette that entire time, on my first day.
I'm guessing you were testing for some sort of public safety position?
I'm with you on the running. I hate it, always have, always will. It was a one mile run that cost me a possible slot in the police academy some years back and I don't smoke, never have. I've never been the fastest runner and I came in over the time and got disqualified. That didn't make me like running any better.
I did have some cravings earlier on. I told myself I would smoke one until I got my electronic cigarette.
Didn't take even one. I had one puff and that was enough. Ugh. When the craving came again, one puff, that was all I needed. In total, since yesterday at 7am, (November 1st, 7am was the last time I had a full smoke), I've had 5 puffs. Not at the same time, but from the same cigarette. Just put it out and would relight, put it out, relight, put it out, relight, as the craving came on. That's huge for me.
I've decided that maybe I won't do the e-cig after all. Shall see how this goes. Course, the first few days are always the easiest. After that, it starts to get hard so I may very well change my mind again. And again. And again.
I just went to the store to get a whole bunch of "stop smoking" supplies:
Gum
Jolly Ranchers
Chips
Hard candy
A big bag of something called, "Candy Carnival" which is a bunch of mixed stuff like the lollipops that have gum inside, some toffees, and hard candy but mostly it's lollipops. And it was half off, which is always a bonus. That bag should last me quite some time. Maybe a good month or more, depending on how bad cravings get...or me learning how to drive without having a smoke or going on break at work without having a smoke. Or being on the computer and not having a smoke. (Those are my three big ones.)
And some ju jus.
If I gain some weight, I'll worry about that later. First step is becoming a non smoker.
Look out for fever or pink when you cough. If you do, see a doc asap! You don't want pneumonia!
Anyway, good luck! Every time you want a cigarette, follow through in your mind that last terrible experience.
I quit over 20 years ago and man I can remember it like yesterday. I became so hyper aware of all the little mindless "triggers" that would make me want to reach for a cig. Like stopping for a red light in my car... the phone ringing... etc. etc. I would literally have to start doing something to distract myself like singing loudly or shaking my head back and forth! LOL!
One thing that helped... because I needed to do something with my hands... I took over my son's Gameboy, (yeah, back in the day) and got really really good at Tetris! Broke 300K! LOL!!
Oh and I did gain about 10 pounds, but I read that quitting smoking is like the equivalent to losing a hundred pounds, so... I lost 90 pounds!!! (Healthwise anyway)
Glad I did quit when I did... unfortunately I didn't escape completely unscathed. It was a few years later I was diagnosed with adult onset asthma. Yup... I was one of those who would light up in my youth even while suffering from Bronchitis! Nicotine is that cruel eh?
Forgot to add this in yesterday: Did not smoke past 7am Thursday, did not smoke (except 5 puffs yesterday, not even half or whole smoke...not even 3/4 of one), yesterday which means, I have now NOT smoked:
Approximately 40 cigarettes...give or take a few.
Today, we are shooting for 60 not smoked cigarettes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Podo944
Look out for fever or pink when you cough. If you do, see a doc asap! You don't want pneumonia!
Anyway, good luck! Every time you want a cigarette, follow through in your mind that last terrible experience.
I quit over 20 years ago and man I can remember it like yesterday. I became so hyper aware of all the little mindless "triggers" that would make me want to reach for a cig. Like stopping for a red light in my car... the phone ringing... etc. etc. I would literally have to start doing something to distract myself like singing loudly or shaking my head back and forth! LOL!
One thing that helped... because I needed to do something with my hands... I took over my son's Gameboy, (yeah, back in the day) and got really really good at Tetris! Broke 300K! LOL!!
Oh and I did gain about 10 pounds, but I read that quitting smoking is like the equivalent to losing a hundred pounds, so... I lost 90 pounds!!! (Healthwise anyway)
Glad I did quit when I did... unfortunately I didn't escape completely unscathed. It was a few years later I was diagnosed with adult onset asthma. Yup... I was one of those who would light up in my youth even while suffering from Bronchitis! Nicotine is that cruel eh?
Hang in there!
That thought actually came to me yesterday after I woke up and could think clearly again. I thought, I'm really susceptible to a lot right now, I need to be careful. I will definitely look out for signs, thank you.
I'm not really rattling too much anymore. I still can't laugh without sounding like some 80 year old woman who has smoked for 79 of those years. I still cough a bit...a very yucky sounding cough. But I'm not rattling like I was, just sitting there or laying there.
But, that only went away some time in my sleep last night...so yah, will be very attentive.
As for the good luck, thank you so much. This is now working on day three so it's still relatively easy. The hard part is coming, I know.
I'm also very aware of what triggered me to pick up a cigarette. Even something as simple as, "look for new topics to discuss on CD". I actually recognized, "Here is when I would have normally lit up a smoke".
Yes to in the car, stop light, etc. Yep, absolutely.
The good thing about the cough and all that, when I did crave and had those five puffs at five different times, one single puff not only took care of the craving, it also made me cough. That totally made it easy to put it right back out.
I suppose if the cough goes away and I'm still craving, say in a week or so, I can just go out and run another half mile to bring it back. Hey, whatever it takes to stop this time for good!
Just have to learn new habits when I don't know what to do with my hands. Lots of lollipops last night.
Today was actually a bit easier than yesterday. For most of the day, I didn't really crave much at all. However, when I did...man did I crave.
By the way, those idiots who say, "A craving will pass in..." whatever it is, 30 seconds, 3 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever their bogus claim was, are LIARS. No, the craving did not go away.
I did have 5 more puffs today, two different times. It was rough but I still did good, I think. Still have not smoked a cigarette, (still working on that first one from yesterday....10 puffs total), since 7am, Thursday, November 01.
That means I have not smoked: 60 cigarettes, (give or take)
But I have sure eaten a whole heck of a lot of lollipops and hard candy. UGH!
By the way, those idiots who say, "A craving will pass in..." whatever it is, 30 seconds, 3 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever their bogus claim was, are LIARS. No, the craving did not go away.
People have different experiences when giving up smoking. It is not fair, or truthful, to call those people liars. Just as I have no reason to disbelieve you when you say the craving did not go away, I have no reason to disbelieve other people who report different experiences.
Good going, by the way, and good luck. If your "one puff" is working for you, I'm all for it.
Today is going to be rough, I can tell. The cravings, (that do NOT go away), are strong...early. So far I haven't given in, not even a puff or two...but I think that won't last much longer. It's almost painful, these cravings. It's like a feeling of emptiness. I know that sounds strange and probably ridiculous but that's how it feels.
I posted the other day...or yesterday, whatever...that I may not do e-cigs. The reason is because when I look at ecigs and read about them, not just on their sites but read about actual ecigs in general, you are still getting nicotine. It's almost like smoking except you don't blow out smoke, you have water vapor. But, essentially, you are still smoking. And they don't call themselves a cessation tool, (yes, I understand some of the reasons why), they call an ecig a replacement to real cigs. These are supposed to be, "OK" to smoke anywhere because they are smokeless. But again, you're still smoking. AND, you may be inhaling other crap, as well.
So I started thinking...I've seen people use ecigs to quit smoking. What they did is they would just puff on it once in awhile and put it back in their shirt pocket. One puff, back in the pocket. An hour goes by, they reach for it, one puff, back in the pocket.
How is that any different than what I'm doing now with the smokes I have left? I, too, am only taking a puff or two and then distinguishing the smoke. Later on, I might relight, take a puff, put it out. It's the same thing. So why would I spend money on this thing if it's still, technically, smoking?
I have about 5 packs left out of a carton. My hope is that I never make it to the end of those packs, that I will be "cured" of smoking long before then. As it stands, I've "gone through" one cigarette since Thursday morning. I say, "gone through" not because I smoked an entire cigarette but because out of the 10-12 puffs I took off the thing, at various times, and then put it out, it was getting all mangled and kind of useless. It was still half length but I decided to just toss it.
Anyway....here's to another day in the battle.
I count in hours and smokes. I count the smokes at the end of the day, the hours at the beginning.
Total hours I have not had a cigarette: 76 hours. Geez, feels like much longer than that.
Update: Ok, this was posted at 9:16 but I started writing it a few minutes earlier than that. I held off on the craving for about a half an hour. I allowed myself 2 puffs. UGH! I am so light headed right now...which, was fun when I picked up my first smoke way back when, years ago...uh, not so fun now because it's making me feel a little nauseous. I see that this may also be a big help in me quitting...don't like this.
Last edited by Three Wolves In Snow; 11-04-2012 at 06:38 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Still rattling?
