Delawareans--Intimidated by/Jealous of Successful People?(DrJef)

[jskirwin]

I've gone back and read the original thread and it's clear that while a comment of the Doctor's was a bit pedantic and beside the point, he meant no harm.

I've been communicating using computers for 20 years now and have learned that people tend to read the worst into comments from complete strangers and respond accordingly. This often degenerates into flame wars between two complete strangers that would never have occurred had they communicated face to face.

Instead of assuming the worst, how about doing the opposite and giving strangers the benefit of the doubt?

And Scotty has it right. If your heart isn't content, no place on earth can make it so. That doesn't mean that all places are the same, it's just that in the end your happiness comes from within.

Man, got to lay off those Zen texts...

[seashellbelle]

Wow looks like a can of worms has just been opened. I can see everyone's point of view on this thread, and the only reason I am chiming in is because I too have lived in DE, southern and northern. Slower lower is great for those retired, and who don't need to make a living, or those just wishing to party their life away, and don't need to make a living. I did find while living at the beach, some locals were envious of me because I had experienced the world and I was also very hard working and successful, but that was their problem not mine, and I tried to not let it interfere with my goals, however, sometimes it did, because of the small town mentality.
Northern DE is more sophisticated, has better schools, and closer to major cities. However, it didn't do a whole lot for me either. Back in the hey days of Dupont, it thrived, now I don't know.
Quite honestly the only thing good I have to say about DE is BIDEN.

[Karen71]

Originally Posted by xenourtv

I kind of understand where drjef was coming from when he meant that most people leave due to some form of inferiority complex. I will give you an example.

I was raised in Chicago, not the suburbs, the city, and I went to college in Chicago. Went to school in Chicago and after college got a job in Atlanta another big city. I met a lot of people from college and work from towns that I have not even heard of and they usually provided the same reason why they left their small town, and that is to see the world, and their is nothing wrong with it. However what you do not know is that the majority of those folks from small towns, "who went to that big city with so much culture" often go back to there small town within a few years or so. I do not understand, and I think it really points out to what drjef was saying.

I met one of the most smartest, intelligent woman back in college who came from the most rural part of Michigan, probably to this day who had what it took to be a successful doctor. After 4 years of just living in the city she decided to take what she learned back to Michigan. I asked why, and she said she felt that she was needed back home. An open-minded individual, who in my opinion had a great time living in the city, could have been a great doctor in Chicago but she left. Internships to some of the finest well respected hospitals in Chicago, like Northwestern, UofI, Loyola hospitals. I remember going out with her when she was a freshman and she was so excited, enthusiastic, just to be away from her hometown. I do not think i have ever met anyone so happy to be living in a major metropolis. Then as time went by she was telling me that I should go with her to her small town, and I would really like it. Ironically she was right... I am in Delaware right now and I actually like it here surprisingly enough.

It has to be overcoming some sort of inferiority by living in a rural area, because she took that risk and wasted all that money and time to experience something new. With all her success and everything that she accomplished in Chicago she decided to go back, not exactly to her own rural town, but somewhere near.

Thank you for sharing your story and for replying in such a kind, respectful manner.

However, I absolutely disagree with your assessment. (I'll admit to skimming a bit here and there just to get the gist. I think I did get it, though I'm willing to go back and read again.)

Nothing you wrote screamed INFERIORITY to me, which I think is a loaded word.

Do you realize that INFERIORITY and SUCCESS repell one another like opposite sides of a magnet. In fact, they absolutely cancel each other out!

I cannot think of one successful person with an inferiority issue. On the contrary, it was feelings of superiority and/or BELIEF IN ONESELF that caused them to feel they had what it takes to get the job done.

Unhappy INFERIOR people are the ones who sit on the sidelines and boo those who cross the finish line.

In the case of your friend, it makes absolute sense to get the training, education in the SUPERIOR schools then take that back home to assist there. People do it all day long. What do you think Americorps and missionaries are all about.

Because she grew up in a "substandard" (perhaps?) environment means she should have simply accepted a "substandard" way of life, education? That's what people who feel afraid and INFERIOR do.

There's also something to be said about returning "home" because your FAMILY, FRIENDS, and great memories are there.

[Joe_Ryder]

Originally Posted by Karen71

Well, Dr. Jef comes into my first thread and begins by telling me that my reasons for leaving were not so unique. Then went on to explain that successful people are usually driven by insecurity.

HUH???

My fear of being homeless and broke in a strange place (again) certainly spurred me into getting my life together. I worked my butt off. Many people assumed I had a good work ethic but nothing could be farther from the truth. I was scared of living outside under a tree.

I arrived in CA with a broken motorcycle and a few dollars in my pocket and no place to live but a tree close to an ice cold stream for bathing. I got a job and worked constantly. I saved and opened my own business because I was afraid I'd get laid off. I sold my business for a really good price and though I'm fairly secure and set, I still continue my education and am always on the lookout for a way to make a buck. No I'm not a hard working person by nature, I'm lazy as can be at heart. I continually drive forward because the harder I drive ahead, the further I get from that tree and ice cold stream.

There is some logic to it.

[Karen71]

Originally Posted by xenourtv

The bottom line is that I have always wondered why would anybody do something like that...you already established yourself in one of the largest markets in the world and instead if going to some of the top med school top programs in the country, you make a decision working near your small town as an RN at a local hospital. After reading drjefs posts that is a possible answer. Just because your transition to the big city was a success does not make you better than other people. In fact you are just a transplant, not a true native. I do not know if you are actually going to settle where you are at and be an urbanite and actually raise your future children in the city, only time will tell. However do not go out and say people from small towns are jealous of people from big cities.

I probably have seen almost everything the big city has to offer more than you can ever imagine, not just the trendy neighborhoods and tourist attractions that you probably have limit yourself too. It is a big world but I do not think just going to Time Square or living in Manhattan make you a true New Yorker. I value the kindness of the people in Delaware, and the way people seem to settle down. This is definitaley a good change of pace for me, and even though Chicago will always be home, I would not mind starting a family here in Delaware.

Most people who leave their small towns often go back, obviously for the ones who do not make it, they have reason to go back, but I have always wondered why most of the success stories go back and I kind of have an idea why, especially why they do it in the first place.

Oh X, it's kinda like Obama getting his Harvard education--THEN turning down high-salaried jobs to help the less fortunate in the heart of a ghetto.

I do believe there's a STARK difference in the belief-system of Ivy Leaguers and all the rest. Your logic simply does not make sense to the many who value giving back and serving others.

I know of several young men and women who grew up FILTHY RICH and PRIVILEGED (wealthy--many celebrity parents) who went to the Ivies only to go someplace "beneath" the standard of living they've had all their lives to work and/or help others.

BESIDES, when you're talking about a person's desire to return to their HOMETOWN, pedigree/education--and certainly "inferiority"--do not fit into the equation.

A return to one's hometown (or a place like it) and their success are two very DIFFERENT conversations. One that inferiority has no part in.

BUT...

I realize the thought DOES make some feel better about themselves.

[Karen71]

Originally Posted by jskirwin

I've gone back and read the original thread and it's clear that while a comment of the Doctor's was a bit pedantic and beside the point, he meant no harm.

I've been communicating using computers for 20 years now and have learned that people tend to read the worst into comments from complete strangers and respond accordingly. This often degenerates into flame wars between two complete strangers that would never have occurred had they communicated face to face.

Instead of assuming the worst, how about doing the opposite and giving strangers the benefit of the doubt?

And Scotty has it right. If your heart isn't content, no place on earth can make it so. That doesn't mean that all places are the same, it's just that in the end your happiness comes from within.

Man, got to lay off those Zen texts...

Well, if DRJEF's so concerned about staying on the topic of the STATE OF DE, I'd have to question why he felt the need to respond so far off the topic. It would have certainly been easy enough to respond to the post at hand--or even better, share why he left DE (if he falls into that category).

Instead, he launched into an unsolicited string of insecurity-revealing babble about successful people feeling inferior--the most INSANE thing anyone could type.

I have every right to call him out on it.

[Karen71]

Originally Posted by seashellbelle

Wow looks like a can of worms has just been opened. I can see everyone's point of view on this thread, and the only reason I am chiming in is because I too have lived in DE, southern and northern. Slower lower is great for those retired, and who don't need to make a living, or those just wishing to party their life away, and don't need to make a living. I did find while living at the beach, some locals were envious of me because I had experienced the world and I was also very hard working and successful, but that was their problem not mine, and I tried to not let it interfere with my goals, however, sometimes it did, because of the small town mentality.
Northern DE is more sophisticated, has better schools, and closer to major cities. However, it didn't do a whole lot for me either. Back in the hey days of Dupont, it thrived, now I don't know.
Quite honestly the only thing good I have to say about DE is BIDEN.

Thanks for the response.

I'm not surprised to read it.

And, I do agree with you: It is THEIR problem-not mine. Frankly, I'm so accustomed to envy that I'm so CERTAIN their attitudes would not affect me or my happiness one bit. My back is like a well-oiled machine.

I do, however, enjoy calling people out on their BS from time to time. And I can't help but challenge ILLOGICAL thinking.

[Karen71]

Originally Posted by Joe_Ryder

My fear of being homeless and broke in a strange place (again) certainly spurred me into getting my life together. I worked my butt off. Many people assumed I had a good work ethic but nothing could be farther from the truth. I was scared of living outside under a tree.

I arrived in CA with a broken motorcycle and a few dollars in my pocket and no place to live but a tree close to an ice cold stream for bathing. I got a job and worked constantly. I saved and opened my own business because I was afraid I'd get laid off. I sold my business for a really good price and though I'm fairly secure and set, I still continue my education and am always on the lookout for a way to make a buck. No I'm not a hard working person by nature, I'm lazy as can be at heart. I continually drive forward because the harder I drive ahead, the further I get from that tree and ice cold stream.

There is some logic to it.

Yes, but I wouldn't call that INFERIORITY.

I call it being SMART, ambitious, entreprenurial, whatever.

I just wish more people would be motivated by a desire to be gainfully employed and self-sufficient. That's what motivates most of us, but I would not call that inferiority. It's called being a darned RESPONSIBLE person!

[Karen71]

Originally Posted by xenourtv

Just because your transition to the big city was a success does not make you better than other people. In fact you are just a transplant, not a true native. I do not know if you are actually going to settle where you are at and be an urbanite and actually raise your future children in the city, only time will tell. However do not go out and say people from small towns are jealous of people from big cities.

Ok, so that's what I get for skimming...just noticed this part.

1. Never said I was a native of anyplace other than DE...Don't know where that came from....BUT when a person tries to convince someone else that something "does not make you better than other people", you know they're coming from a place of insecurity.

I've met tons of people who HAVE thought they were better than others for whatever reason. And you know what? I CARED LESS! Because what they felt about themselves had NO bearing whatsoever on what I feel about me.

If only others could feel so good about themselves and have self-confidence. THEN, they wouldn't try to convince others they're not so great.

[doctorjef]

Look, Karen, would you please go back and carefully read my original post on your Why I Left Delaware thread in its entirety. You seem to have got hung up on a single element of the post, to the exclusion of everything else. Yes, I did posit compensatory motives as a moderator variable that in some instances operates in achievement strivings. However, I thought the main thrust of my post was to point out that the need to make major life changes, including big geographical moves, may occur at various points over the course of one's life, and I touched on some things that might motivate such strivings, such as the longing to find an idealised home. I'm not sure you very carefully read the post, because amongst other things you seem to have missed the fact that I'm not from Delaware. I'm afraid you read one observation to which you strongly reacted and which seems to have mobilised tremendous feelings of indigation on your part. My observations weren't hypotheses about you personally, much less meant as attacks. Perhaps they were tangential and superfluous. If you've bothered to look at my profile you'll know that I'm a clinical psychologist by training and profession. That might help you understand why I would tend to reflect upon motivational factors and issues of human development in thinking about how people deal with life and its demands.

Once again, my post was not aimed at you personally and was not framed as an attack. Please cool your jets. I don't intend to carry on a debate about this or post anything further in direct reference to the matter.