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Not an expert in male to male friendship dynamics, but I can't help wondering if it would be easier to focus on finding a girlfriend and then socializing more as a couple. At least from observation, it seems like the women are more likely to drive the social life and the men form friendships out of proximity. Shared interests too, but it seems like the women are the ones who get the actual activities going.
Wow, you must have observed some very aloof or socially inept men. Most healthy men are perfectly capable of forming platonic friendships. I don't find your observation to be true, and frankly I probably wouldn't want to be friends with another guy who needed a girlfriend or wife to plan his social calendar and set up "play dates". Just my opinion.
But I sympathize with OP. Pursuing hobbies is the best way forward, climbing is a great suggestion. Finding Meetup.com groups for your interests is what I'd recommend.
When I moved to Colorado I met people by activities. I joined bike clubs, went on group canoe trips, went to wine tastings. I never really forced it much. It just happened. Guys especially like to do things, not talk about doing things.
I've been here 11 years and people I've known that long still flake out. It's difficult to plan anything, but I normally invite double the people in hopes half will show.
It's just a very "do your thing, I'll do mine"... aloof place to live.
Wow, you must have observed some very aloof or socially inept men. Most healthy men are perfectly capable of forming platonic friendships. I don't find your observation to be true, and frankly I probably wouldn't want to be friends with another guy who needed a girlfriend or wife to plan his social calendar and set up "play dates". Just my opinion.
But I sympathize with OP. Pursuing hobbies is the best way forward, climbing is a great suggestion. Finding Meetup.com groups for your interests is what I'd recommend.
Well, I don't think the men I know are aloof or socially inept. Just that they way they socialize together tends to be things that the OP has specifically excluded, such as playing in a sports league and going out to bars.
For other activities, then as stereotypical as it may sound, it is generally the women who put in more effort to organize them, at least in mixed gender activities. Maybe men are doing more of these activities together but because they are more private, I'm just not in a position to observe.
But in reality, I think that for either sex, couples tend to have an easier time socializing. I'm in some single parent groups, and both men and women lament how their social lives have dwindled once they are no longer partnered.
I posted something similar awhile back, and agree. Although I've finally made some friends here, they are not American. Which is fine, just odd I guess.
But meetup? Meetup.com was great when I lived in Chicago, LA, Dallas and somewhat ok in SLC for the size. But here? Yea, it sucks. I can't get over how many meetups here start at 4:30-5:30 during the week DOWNTOWN, the tech meetups for example. Most of us get off at 5 and then I have to fight traffic to get downtown and then pay $20 for parking. By then, the meetup is almost over. And you're right, it seems the overwhelming majority or hiking or outdoorsy. The ones that aren't are usually dead or a scam. Like some of the social ones. Some guy Sam has quite the racket going. He's the admin for around 3 groups that focus on transplants / night life / singles. I paid the membership fee when I first moved here for one of the social night life meetups. Thought it would be a great way to meet people like it was elsewhere. That was a mistake. I was still required to pay at the door of to these meetups. Then I watched this guy collect the money and bounce. The first one I went to was a Halloween party. He wasn't in costume, claimed it was in the car, I literally watched him get in his car that was parked out front and leave. Watched it happen a 2nd time and again, he collects, doesn't socialize, then leaves. On the 3rd time, I refused his money arguing I had paid the membership. I left, went home and reported him to Meetup but of course they did nothing, didn't even respond.
I appreciate these responses and didn't realize I would actually find some people who could relate to me on the issue. OF course, I still believe it has to do with myself, but I just have found this a strange phenomenon that I have not experienced in a lot of other places I have lived.
As far as how am I interacting with the people whose numbers I have acquired and have tried to befriend and pursue activities with, well I don't feel I am being too strange or out of the ordinary . WHat is driving me mad is actually the weird, flaky and superficial friendliness I have discovered from some local Coloradoans. It is not to say there isn't some of this superficial friendliness from lots of other people, it is just the intensity. And, yes, once you are 40 and above a lot people just don't want to be your friend anymore, either because you are too old or they have wife/kids and don't make friends anymore or just stick with the ones they grew up with. Of course, being that I work over 70 hrs/week and there isn't really a lot of constructive activities in Denver that I can find, that isn't related to hiking , climbing or sport activities, I pretty much spend any limited free time I have in bars and breweries. I know they are not the greatest places, but I work from home and since there is no real meetup groups available, I find it is my only option, except for attending synagogue on Friday night. However, synagogues, most people are married with kids and the religious lifestyle and busy schedules of most members mean it is hard to socialize with these people any other time than Friday evening for Shabbat services.
Anyhow, what boggles my mind is how I meet somebody here, they act super nice and friendly to me. Being a Northwesterner I am already caught off guard meeting people who are super friendly to me in a public environment like a bar, brewery or even a coffeeshop. The coffeeshops here, however, are very anti-social and people just lock themselves into their computers and don't socialize with people. This is pretty typical of most places, but especially coffeeshops in Denver and Seattle. Like Seattle, they are kind of like libraries with coffee.
However, I have gone to lot of bars/breweries and you meet the person they act like they are your best friend forever. I found it really enticing at first and pretty boggled by the friendliness. And, after many of these conversations it was them asking for my number or facebook page and saying how they want to get together, hang out, go hiking, go to list of many breweries that they will tell me all about. Of course, none of them would ever call me and being that I am new in the area, fairly lonesome I would send them a text message. Even though I am an older millennial (or even pre-millenial ) I still know never to ever call people on the phone. The only exception is when I am driving and people don't get the message when I say lets talk later I cannot text, I am driving. Then sometimes I may just call them. But, what happens is I send these people who acted like they were my best friend and say stuff like this "How's it going, It's Rotse (I use my real name), the guy you met at this place. I was wondering what you are up to? You want to go get some beer, have any plans, etc, etc". Sometiems the people won't even reply to me, just act like wussies and ignore me and cannot have decency to just say , "So sorry, I am busy". Other times , they will say "Oh Hello" or "Not Right Now". And act like they are super confused why I even bothered to contact them. It is almost like they are offended or just terrified of the prospect of making friends with somebody they didn't grow up with. They act as if we never even met in our lives and that long conversation was just some type of theatrical performance. As I say, my mind is boggled. No where have I been where someone acts that friendly and then just blows you off like yesterday's garbage. I seriously prefer the anti-social/frozen personalities of Northwestern people to this fake smiley best bro persona I am experiencing here. At least I know when someone is actually being nice they actually genuinely view me as a friend or someone they would like to be friends with.
I have never experienced this kind of weird flakiness anywhere. I guess this is what they call "Colorodoan Hospitality"? I mean I know some will say Southerners can be a bit flaky. However, Southerners I met could be polite and friendly and just being "hospitable" versus engaging in a potential friendship, but if they say hey we should go do this and this and what's your plans and here's my number, they are actually interested in a friendship.
I am at the point now, where if some native Coloradoan or any other type of person acts super duper friendly to me now, wants to tell me all about all the great things of Colorado and asks for my number I will them to buzz off and not waste my time. I'll say I appreciate all the great things you told me about Colorado and appreciate your upbringing, but you don't have to act all super nice to me and pretend to be my friend, because this is how you were raised.
I'm actually giving up on making friends with any person from this state.
As far as women, well if it is this hard to make a male friend, I think it's not even worth pursuing a girlfriend/woman here. Obviously, the gender ratio favors women since there are so many more men. As well, I am not very attractive anymore in my old age after I got bald and lost my chiseled muscular physique I had throughout my younger years. I feel I am just too unattractive to bother wasting time chasing after girls in a place where men outnumber women so much. I didn't actually move to Colorado because I thought there would be any opportunities for dating. I was somewhat surprised though to see how many beautiful younger ladies they have in this town, but being 40, I guess I am too old for most of them as most of cute girls I see here appear in their 20s. Although, the 20s to early 30s age bracket is my personal favorite for women, but I am sure in a place like Colorado I would be stuck within just couple years of my own age and even then, good luck, since I am not attractive anymore and financially struggling.
I will say Denver does seem like a place where people do things in couples. Maybe, the fact I don't have a girlfriend/wife turns off many of the guys to want to befriend me. I understand some men are more beta-minded and need to have a woman to control and dictate their lives and also their social interaction. i am a very independent alpha-male type and cannot live with a woman controlling, dominating or dictating my life.
In fact, I really just enjoy hanging out with group of guys. I couldn't do that couples type of social life.. It's just not me. I need a group of bros and to do more manly type of activities and just don't really relate well to women in a social atmosphere. I do better with women in a one-on-one kind of relationship.
I am hoping by next summer though to do lots of hiking and do plan on doing all the 14ers and 13ers I can. Overcoming nerve injuries to the neck and some lower back issues, but I did spend my life hiking the mountains of the Northwest. I am kind of sad, but I feel like I will be leaving Denver by this Summer though. I am looking at several other places that have similar paid software jobs and lower living costs than Denver where a single guy may have more opportunities to make friends. As well, dating could be a possibility in other places, Denver is not where you go as a male to meet ladies. I do plan on making a lot of trips back to the Colorado Rockies for hiking and adventure. But, since I will be living far away, I guess I won't have much opportunities for friendship. Also, I am more of a solo hiker kind of guy. I don't particularly like hiking in big groups of people. It would usually have to be a friend or two, but these organized hiking groups I see are always huge groups of people.
I appreciate the suggestions of climbing gyms, but since I have nerve impingement/damage in my neck it may not be the best activity for me.
Last edited by RotseCherut; 01-06-2019 at 06:32 PM..
I am a middle-aged, native Coloradan (not Coloradoan) and I can maybe shed some light on this.
1. I have lived here a long time, I have family and friendships that have been established for 40+ years. I am not looking for a best friend. I already have one. I am not dropping my best friend for someone new.
2. I have obligations to my family that need to be fulfilled (I might invite you to Thanksgiving with my family, but I am not likely to accept your invitation). Although my kids are grown, my nieces and nephews have activities that I enjoy attending and in many cases drive my parents to because they cannot do so themselves all the time.
3. Many of the things that I do and am willing to invite you to participate with me are outdoors, like hiking, skiing, golfing, etc.
Where you came from, you had a life and a schedule that you stuck to and friends that you socialized with. I have that here. Finding time to fit in new activities with a new person is difficult. I don't mean that won't happen, but it is not likely.
I am a middle-aged, native Coloradan (not Coloradoan) and I can maybe shed some light on this.
1. I have lived here a long time, I have family and friendships that have been established for 40+ years. I am not looking for a best friend. I already have one. I am not dropping my best friend for someone new.
2. I have obligations to my family that need to be fulfilled (I might invite you to Thanksgiving with my family, but I am not likely to accept your invitation). Although my kids are grown, my nieces and nephews have activities that I enjoy attending and in many cases drive my parents to because they cannot do so themselves all the time.
3. Many of the things that I do and am willing to invite you to participate with me are outdoors, like hiking, skiing, golfing, etc.
Where you came from, you had a life and a schedule that you stuck to and friends that you socialized with. I have that here. Finding time to fit in new activities with a new person is difficult. I don't mean that won't happen, but it is not likely.
I totally respect everything you are saying here.. However, don't lead me on and act like you want to be my best friend for life if you don't want to be my friend.. Just be upfront and tell me exactly what you wrote here and I will appreciate you more as a human being. If you move to a smaller town in Oregon or Washington, many people will immediately not be super friendly to you and act mistrusting to you. When people start to warm up to you and be nice it means they actually like you.. A lot of people will even be upset that somebody from somewhere else with potentially new ideas/etc has invaded their town. Here it seems like its the opposite.
I've been living as a drifter for a while.. Not many people come from anywhere anymore.. They go from place to place seeking jobs and survival.. I left my home state of Oregon, friends and family almost 7 years ago.
And, I am so sorry for misspelling Coloradan .. Ughh.. I should have researched that spelling, before making my post.
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