Help convince a reluctant wife to move from NY to Denver (income, living)

[WhereTheSidewalkEnds]

Bringing someone you are trying to convince during the summer and spending the time in the high country does not create a realistic picture. People get so caught up in what they see/do when they visit and picture that as their life if they move here.

The reality of day to day life is completely different. The pain of fighting traffic just to enjoy the mountains is a reality. To get up there at off times during the week means we’d be taking vacation time while living here and frankly, there are fewer and fewer off times these days. Seems the traffic is bad year round.

Don’t get me wrong - we’ve been here 20 plus years and love it here but you have to be happy with the everyday grind of life and the living on the front range. Just seems a recipe for disaster if you have to convince someone to make such a life changing move away from family and a good job.

[ShipwreckSiren]

Originally Posted by WhereTheSidewalkEnds

Bringing someone you are trying to convince during the summer and spending the time in the high country does not create a realistic picture. People get so caught up in what they see/do when they visit and picture that as their life if they move here.

The reality of day to day life is completely different. The pain of fighting traffic just to enjoy the mountains is a reality. To get up there at off times during the week means we’d be taking vacation time while living here and frankly, there are fewer and fewer off times these days. Seems the traffic is bad year round.

100% this. Even though I prefer the beach to the mountains when I lived on the coast I hardly ever got to go. It’s easy to come on vacation and think you will love living here and will get up into the mountains all the time. The reality is that you probably won’t or if you do you will throw in your hat after a while. You will be working in an office through the week. When you’re off you will get in line with everyone else who wants to spend your time in the mountains. But you have a wife and kids who I don’t think are going to want to be dragged up there every weekend and probably won’t appreciate you going by yourself every weekend. I think it’s better to live somewhere else and vacation here unless you have a better reason to move here. Liking the mingajns isn’t a good enough reason unless you have a high enough income to live IN the mountains and won’t rely on a job along the front range that would have to commute to

[BarryK123]

This forum is becoming more like a soap opera with threads like this that never seem to end.

[Count David]

Not quite the same, but

I met my wife in a small-town in CA when I was 21. After a year of being with her, and beginning my third year in that town, I made it clear to her that I did not see myself there long term, and that getting out was going to be the only future option for me, with or without her.

It took a lot of convincing just to get her to consider leaving there for anywhere else. She found every silly reason possible to stay, and attempted to use each of those as an immovable crutch to keep us there. I showed her the positive aspects moving to Denver would have (better job prospects, wider variety of weather, bigger city/more to do, even with the same cost-of-living {at the time}).

We came out here for a week in December 2006. Had a blast. She didn't want to leave.

We got here June 1, 2007, and have been here ever since (excluding a work boomerang to WA for 6 months in 2009).

OP, you will have to show your wife the positives to even get her to consider it, but it's hard to get somebody content with their lives to consider budging.

[Shaolin Shadowboxing]

Originally Posted by 2bindenver

I moved here 30 years ago with a 8 month old marriage, due to a job transfer for him. We were excited, we could afford a house here vs. Sunnyvale, Ca. 22 years and three kids later, he left for a job in Cali and I stayed here with the kids.

divorce?

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by davebarnes

You are wasting your time.

1. Family. Not going to happen.
2. Tenured teaching job. Pays way more than Colorado.
3. The kids will be alright. I spent 10 years of my childhood living in NY and NJ. I turned out OK except that I am very obnoxious.
4. Weather here is better in Winter (dry snow, melts quickly) and Summer (no bugs), but Spring and Fall are prettier in NY.
5. I think "nature" is better in NY. More trees and more water. While the mountains of Colorado are enjoyable, the semi-arid plains are not so much.

Yep. I grew up in central Jersey and worked in NYC for a while. I moved out here almost a decade ago and haven't regretted it for a moment. BUT I was a single woman who worked from home and my job goes wherever I do.

You're talking about having kids soon, but you want to pull your wife away from her support system, which is her family who she's close to. I had to get AWAY from certain members of my family and I miss the rest of them horribly even a decade later. I miss my friends. I've made a TON of new friends and have a huge thriving social circle, but I miss my buddies in my hometown like you wouldn't believe.

Being a teacher kinda sucks here. I have a good friend who is a teacher in one of the best school systems in CO, and if your wife likes her job in NY, she will probably not like teaching too much in Colorado.

Weather... well, I get vicious sinus headaches. They are actually better here. That said, I desperately miss the greenery of the east coast and the history that is present almost everywhere. Philly and DC are my favorite cities. I did not realize how much I would miss them.

I'm here because I do love the temperate weather, the community I've built for myself, the house I own and the culture that embraces dogs and dog rescue. I go home when I want to, and the fact that my heart is split between two locations doesn't matter that much because my job and income allow me to go home when I get the urge. I don't have kids or a spouse to hold me back.

Basically, you want to tear your wife away from her very secure job and loving support system to go to the city of your choosing where her career will have to start over and yours will continue apace because you want better weather. You will have all the economic power and she'll be starting over careerwise and popping out kids with no support system.

I can't imagine why she wouldn't be gung-ho to do what you want

You remind me why I'm so happy being single.

[Coloradomom22]

OP, why are you so determined to move? If you are contemplating Denver or San Diego then you are not doing it for a specific job or career move. Forcing your wife to move away from family (especially when you plan on having children and she doesn't want to move) seems super selfish. Do you know how different in salary/pension a tenured NY teaching job is compared to one in Colorado? It's not even comparable. I think you need to do some soul-searching as to why you are so obsessed with moving when your wife is happy where she is.

[daprara]

Originally Posted by Shaolin Shadowboxing

hey all, husband here. wife is very reluctant to make a drastic move for a variety of reasons:

1. family is in NY
2. she has a tenured elementary teaching job here
3. we are planning on having kids soon

dont do it, stay where you are.
granted
you can make the family move but they will hate you for a LONG time.

be a man and put the family 1st.

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by daprara

dont do it, stay where you are.
granted
you can make the family move but they will hate you for a LONG time.

be a man and put the family 1st.

Not even "be a man" - be a decent human being and prioritize what's best for the marriage and the future children.

[Mike from back east]

I'll play "analyst" for a moment and go way out on a limb. Way out on a limb. Wild guesses on my part.

I'll surmise that attempts to move a wife against her will is a passive aggressive ploy to make her so unhappy that SHE will file for divorce and head back home. It could also be that the OP really doesn't want to be a father and this is a ploy to postpone fatherhood. Lastly, it could be the OP does not like his in-laws and/or the in-laws don't like him and he's using the ploy of moving to get a lot of distance from them. Any of these ploys (if true) indicates a probable need to dissolve the marriage -- but doing that directly may be too painfully hard / expensive for the OP so the subterfuge of moving provides the rationale/excuse for a way out.

Otherwise I don't see any urgency to get to Denver when on the cusp of fatherhood.