Dating - Are there a lot of good guys? (Denver: mold, to move)

[sportsfangal]

BS-yes, this post has gone on way too long, I appreciate your comments about not letting your standards fall in order for something physical. I agree that I would rather be alone than with a horrible mate or in a loveless marriage, etc.
I do have faith that I will find it someday, I don't let past bad relationships shape my future ones, each person is different, and you grow and change as well, each one can teach you something new about yourself, which is something I have really taken to heart. I have learned what I will and won't put up with in a partner, as well as things about myself that I can change or adapt to the other person.
I'm located in Denver, which is a large city, there should be plenty of fish out there right? Ha! and where is that darn hiding place!! , but seriously, I guess it just comes down to finding the men who are actually ready for a relationship. It must just be a matter of timing.
But again, I'm not focused on it. Just a casual observation.

Originally Posted by BlueSimple

This thread has since progressed wayyy past my understanding. I have never been married and the longest serious relationship I have had was about 9 months so the advice I can give is limited to my experiences.

This thread has proven that there can be no hard and fast rules concerning the subject because it's so relative to each person. A hundred people can all read the same post but see it differently.

sportsfan- I am sure where you are located got lost in the shuffle, but it IS possible there are no viable guys around according to your standards, that the problem is not you. I have seen this happen in small to not-so-small towns, it really doesn't matter where or how many people. The possibility exists that you set your sights or standards too high, but what is too high? How does that get defined? What seems perfectly normal and acceptable to you could be outrageously picky to someone else and way too broad to yet another person. Of course, there is the chance that there is the perfect guy on your block, that will love you and respect you and give you what you want and need in a relationship, but he is busy getting to level 200 on World of Warcraft or something, so that person is not a person worth waiting for. In fact that person deserves a smack in the jaw for his choice in his life, but hey it's his (quasi) life, live and let live I say and move on.

It's personal preference, I have been single for almost a year and a half now. Companionship is important so I miss that aspect of it, the physical and the non-physical, but I trade off having that for long periods of time without it because I would rather be solo than let my personal standards fall. Everyone has had bad experiences in relationships and I know from experience the fear of replaying those situations can sometimes cause me to disregard something that could have had actual potential.

I like to think I understand all of the different points being made here because I keep in mind they come from individuals whose opinions are shaped by their own unique life experiences. I would say all contributions have been seemingly made sincerely and with the intention of helping clarify a situation.

I am pretty sure this particular post has not helped clarify anything, in fact I think I am more confused than ever!

[wanttomoveeast]

Sure we can call a truce! I didn't realize there was a war going on though. I see you are fairly new to posting here. And as Venusian stated, when you post, you are opening yourself up to others' opinions, it's a forum. So when you think you are just throwing out some random comment (when in fact it was a question, look back) just be prepared for others to respond. I'm actually enjoying my conversation with the others here. As you peruse city data, you'll see that many topics are in depth and full of thinkers. Just because an issue is convoluted doesn't mean it isn't suitable for this forum.

Part of the frustration on my part with you is this: All I've really heard is, why can't this be that way? Then people responded. Then you argue, no! I'm not doing that, not doing that, not not not. So then I think, well, why the heck did you ask? You asked, people answered, you argued. Kind of silly.

Anyway, on with the thinkers...

Originally Posted by sportsfangal

wtme-can we just call a truce? and perhaps agree to disagree?

[wanttomoveeast]

This forum is not personal, it's just a forum where people can exchange ideas. Don't let opinions of others sway you. I do feel like your posts (on this thread) are not only narrow-minded but immature feeling. No one is picking on you, however, you are the one who started this topic (not the thread, the topic).

Perhaps we agree on other matters. That's just how people are.

Originally Posted by sportsfangal

I'm truly sorry we cant get past this. I'm not siding with any other posters other than the times i agreed with SLC and maybe another poster when they said just relax, etc. I disagreed with your ideas about sending out vibes, only because I was trying to apply it to my interactions with some men etc. I never made comments about you showing narrow-mindedness or anything against your personality.
I don't sit around wondering about men. i don't anticipate the next guy I meet to be anything other than a conversation or whatever.
I still think some of my points are being missed here but that's the nature of writing instead of face to face conversation. I notice on the other thread we seem to "hit it off" fine. I guess I am not explaining it clearly.

[BlueSimple]

As long as it's kept in perspective.

These two above give their views and opinions, it is 100% true to them. I personally disagree with points in both posts, but I can't say they are lying, because it's their view and experience.

Not all guys act a certain way, look at women and relationships the same way, and the same is true for women. If it was that cookie-cutter it would not cause such issues.

I just think it's important that it is remembered that there are no hard and fast rules. There are thousands and thousands and thousands of books written on the subject. Every author I am sure believes they are giving sage advice. Everyone of them is both right and wrong. That has got to be monumentally frustrating for the type of person that needs these sorts of guidelines.

I can be overwhelming at times, but I personally find it freeing.

OK wow those posts came fast....i meant wanttomove and venusian as those were the last two posts when I started writing.

[wanttomoveeast]

Actually, Blue said the thread went way past his understanding, not that the post has gone on too long. Read carefully. And too long? ha! This one's not nearly as long as some others.

I disagree that Denver is a large city. It's a city, but small IMHO. The regulars here know my opinion on that one, so I'm not going to start an argument on that. But large? Um, no.

oh and Blue? I totally agree, if it was simple there'd be no argument. And truth is what you perceive it is, not necessarily to be others' truths.

Originally Posted by sportsfangal

BS-yes, this post has gone on way too long, I appreciate your comments about not letting your standards fall in order for something physical. I agree that I would rather be alone than with a horrible mate or in a loveless marriage, etc.
I do have faith that I will find it someday, I don't let past bad relationships shape my future ones, each person is different, and you grow and change as well, each one can teach you something new about yourself, which is something I have really taken to heart. I have learned what I will and won't put up with in a partner, as well as things about myself that I can change or adapt to the other person.
I'm located in Denver, which is a large city, there should be plenty of fish out there right? Ha! and where is that darn hiding place!! , but seriously, I guess it just comes down to finding the men who are actually ready for a relationship. It must just be a matter of timing.
But again, I'm not focused on it. Just a casual observation.

[BlueSimple]

I personally have fallen in the trap of letting my past relationships color my present and/or future ones, though as I have grown up I have moved past that. I still do place undue weight on my significant other's past, I do admit that, and am working on it, though I will never totally be able to let it go. Maybe that is something I will just have to put in my 'requirements' section and add that to my standards filter.

I'm located in Denver, which is a large city, there should be plenty of fish out there right? Ha! and where is that darn hiding place!! , but seriously, I guess it just comes down to finding the men who are actually ready for a relationship. It must just be a matter of timing.

sportsfan- For sure. I totally agree. It seems like you have answered your own question! Where you are may just simply suck for what you are looking for. Of course there are people around you that may qualify for future potential, but they are not at the same location on the path that you are so they get instantly discounted!

wantomove- I see your frustration with the matter and where it is coming from. I think it is simply a communication error rather than a lack of understanding on either part. Just my 2 dinars. And Denver, while no Chicago or New York, is certainly a large city considering the state that it is in, even some of the states that surround it, surely you must concede that point!


I don't feel the post is going on too long as long as it's being meaningfully added to.

[wanttomoveeast]

So are you saying I lucked out by trapping my man at a fairly young age and it yet it blows for him because he'll get bored?? (*she says tongue in cheek*)

Originally Posted by Venusian_Artist

In my previous post, I eluded to women "missing the relationship bus." It sucks for you girls, because you still want the relationship. But when we men "miss the bus" our lives actually improve, as we get to have more time for ourselves and keep more of our money. Sad for females, great for us. That divergence in what the genders want, in various stages of growth and development, is the source of heartache, I think.

[Venusian_Artist]

Originally Posted by sportsfangal

I do have faith that I will find it someday, I don't let past bad relationships shape my future ones, each person is different, and you grow and change as well, each one can teach you something new about yourself, which is something I have really taken to heart. I have learned what I will and won't put up with in a partner, as well as things about myself that I can change or adapt to the other person.

Sportsfangal, I actually like you and feel for your position, but you sound like every other single woman in her thirties that I have ever come across, right down to the platitudes about past relationships, not settling, etc. It's all well-tread, textbook ground.

If you want to know where you'll end up, look at those who have come before you and said the same things you're now saying. There's a well-worn path. Now look at those who have what you want. When did they get it (what was their age?) What are their personalities like? Where did they find what they were looking for? Model yourself after them. That's everything you need to know.

I'm located in Denver, which is a large city, there should be plenty of fish out there right? Ha! and where is that darn hiding place!! ,

Denver is a notorious sausage party. There's an overflow of men--too many, really.

...but seriously, I guess it just comes down to finding the men who are actually ready for a relationship. It must just be a matter of timing.
But again, I'm not focused on it. Just a casual observation.

You don't want a man who's ready for a relationship, you want a man who wants a relationship with you! Relationships are like kids, nobody's ready for them, and over 50% are unplanned.

[sportsfangal]

Hmm-very interesting "V", I really appreciate this post because your points are great this time around IMO. (and love the Stewie reference, I admit I love that show!) you'd be surprised to know that I am sexy, smart and stable! Ha! (no rude posts, just "joking") that's what I mentioned earlier. I suppose it's a matter of timing. But I think that as I get older, I love the fact that I can travel, go on a cruise at a moments notice, go to football games alone (was at the Broncos/Pats last nite btw-) without having to get approval or "ask permission" from anyone. It's similar to what you said about being able to have time to yourself and your own money, etc. I think you have a slightly outdated view of women-IMO (no rude posts, just an opinion). IMO not all women are looking to "tie down" a man, For me, I prefer a partner in life to enjoy doing things with. Of course there are times where you want to do things on your own or whatever, but a partner in life not a "kid" who needs dinner cooked for him, clean house, etc. relationships should be 2-way streets, partnerships but with time on your own for separate interests as well.
I guess I don't like all the cerebral stuff, you know? what I mean is, if you want to date someone, then date, if not, don't-- No big deal, that's all.
Again, I don't lose sleep over it. my thoughts and life are not consumed with it.
Marriage is not the end all be all of life. My friend is in a loveless marriage with a woman he can't even stand anymore. Imaging that kind of life! She's even meeting other guys online!

Originally Posted by Venusian_Artist

Well, my hat's off to you, you're a good sport--pun intended. Let me answer this initial question of yours, from my own experience and observations of my friends/acquaintances (they match.)

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I would have loved to have gotten married and spent the rest of my life with one woman, provided that woman was sexy, smart, and stable. However, with women in that age range, you can usually only get two of the three--pick any two. If she's sexy and smart, she's usually mentally unbalanced; if she's sexy and stable, she's usually too dumb to recognize she has sexual power (so she's mentally stable,) but is boring to interact with outside of the bedroom. And if she's smart and stable, she's rarely sexy. Which just means we want one of her friends or sisters, instead of her.

Many relationships later, I've lost interest in spending the rest of my life with one woman. I've had my share of women, all were attractive, even the occasional model. I've also had very intelligent women, some who were quasi-famous for academic and scientific achievements. I've also had the occasional girlfriend who was a great "nester"--ie. dinner on the table whenever I walked through the door, grocery shopped for me, cleaned my place (which was always a joy and never expected.) I'm always greatful for any preferential treatment a woman is willing to give me.

Unfortunately, I'm bored. And not because I'm a spoiled brat of a guy that has lived the good life and has a relationship brand of Paris Hilton syndrome, there have been many rough times. But because there's little mystery in women anymore.

When I was younger, I was fascinated by this species that had such a strong sexual hold over me. Like Stewie on the show Family Guy, wondering how the cheerleaders can command a crowd, I wanted to know the source of women's hold over me. All young guys do.

As you get older, you finally realize that it was never them, it was you. It was your biology and your way of looking at life that gave women "power" and sexual leverage over you. They rarely benefit from your head turning when they walk down the street. They're just doing their thing, and you're the one being affected by it. If you buy them a drink "'cause they're pretty," that's your decision, not something they made you do.

I've had easily as many ups as I've had downs in relationships, and at some point, as you age, you start disliking the relationship rollercoaster and loving the time you spend alone without a woman, enjoying your hobbies. That's why I think that even guys who are happily married have to have an office, or workshop, or something at home to distance themselves from their wife.

More simply put, once we get past a certain age, we lose interest in a committed relationship with one woman. I think you'll find that the guys that are not committing to you are also not committing to other women. Women get angry about this, but we never had a deal with them in the first place. We're not at your beckon call anymore than you're at ours.

In my previous post, I eluded to women "missing the relationship bus." It sucks for you girls, because you still want the relationship. But when we men "miss the bus" our lives actually improve, as we get to have more time for ourselves and keep more of our money. Sad for females, great for us. That divergence in what the genders want, in various stages of growth and development, is the source of heartache, I think.

[wanttomoveeast]

ok ok I concede!!! Here lays the key in my thinking though:

Originally Posted by BlueSimple

And Denver...is certainly a large city considering the state that it is in, even some of the states that surround it...

So what big cities are surrounding N. Illinois, what big city can you get to within a day? (Answer the same for Denver). See where I'm coming from? Anyway, I don't want to argue too much about that as it's off topic on this thread, but we can argue elsewhere! (I've been down this road before, lol!)

Originally Posted by BlueSimple

I don't feel the post is going on too long as long as it's being meaningfully added to.

I agree with this. No thread is too long when it's filled with meaning and thought.

And thanks for what you said about miscommunication. Could definitely be as we are just typing. My general feeling is no, we (sports and I) are so not seeing eye to eye on this thought. And really, my frustration isn't more with agreeing on the issue, but with what I feel are narrow-minded thinking (not going outside of the rigid structures one thinks about) and overlooking words in posts, therefore not even understanding the person's post in the first place.