Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123
It's no more shallow than the alternative attitude that allowing yourself to go to hell is fair to your spouse...and by association your family and your own children if you happen to have any.
It's not even a man vs women thing, it's allowing the things you have control of to just slip away and expecting the other to just go with it becuase you said a vow and made a choice to do as you desired
Outside of the weight debate this is ultimately the real issue with acting like this.
The things being discussed are no accidents, it's not an act of God or a unforeseen complication. It is something you have direct control of and know what will happen if you continue to allow happen.
This is where serious complications in "love me for who I am" manifest. It's taking out the personal responsibility to yourself and showing the world you really don't care what happens as long as you are happy with what you are doing.
It's disregarding everything involved and focusing solely on your own desires and needs
The OP to this thread has other issues in her realtionship, things related to mutual respect and respect for the entire marriage...this appears to be an offshoot of those issues
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Exactly.
I think people are fixated on the fact that she went from being underweight to a healthy weight and that this should be fine because "death do us apart" and "hey she isn't fat anyway". But that's really just looking at from the surface level. It's deeper than her gaining weight--it's the general attitude that she has from how she gained it(late night sugary cereal) with the intention to get thicker, the fact that she knows this man and his preferences which she did "fit" when they met, and no matter how much he verbalized his feelings her expectation for him to just look pass it and still feel the same level of attraction toward her physically and accept the "new" her. Her husband might be selfish for wanting her to be thin again, but she's also selfish based on this attitude.
She has to take personal responsibility. Her weight gain, and her new body, are not what her husband finds attractive, if he has sexually abandoned her that is why. When she married this man she KNEW what he liked, she KNEW what she was like, then she transformed and whether she's at the right weight now or not she gained a lot of weight unhealthily and intentionally and cannot expect him to just be on board knowing the type of man he is.
There's a difference between loving someone and having physical desire/attraction for that person. Nowhere in this thread has the OP said her husband no longer loves her. Her main problem is that he is no longer attracted to her.
I think it's important that people understand that not everyone has the same POV about marriage, and Vows. Everyone should strive to take their Vows and their marriage seriously but we all have different deal breakers.
For the OP, her husband is obviously not someone who can still feel the same level of desire no matter if his wife is thin, fat, average, thick, etc. And he made that clear to her in the beginning. This is not "new" news. He is not a bad person because he honestly cannot find her attractive anymore since she's gained 50 pounds.
It's idealistic to believe that everyone should just love their "so" no matter what. The reality is that this is NOT the case. There are many couples that go through similar scenarios as the OP, because there are many people that do not feel that marriage, vows, and love mean that one can just stop taking care of themselves the way they did when they met and be loved regardless.
I thought hard about this as I was responding because I realized that in all the relationships I was in, overtime the looks of the guy did not matter, because of my feelings-they transcended beyond how he looked. I liked them as people. And when they didn't always look the best it never crossed my mind that I would not accept them as is. And likewise(because let's face it I try but I'm not always 100%). However I also know that none of these guys had dramatic change in physical appearance that was the result of not keeping up with their bodies. But I did experience a situation with an "ex" who slowly overtime stopped taking caring of himself the way he used to--it wasn't a weight thing, but just the way he presented himself. I did accept it, because I loved him as a person, but I also consistently spoke up, tried to help him myself, and was pretty passive about how much it irked me. It wasn't just that he had gotten too comfortable and decided to stop putting much effort into appearance that bothered me, because in a relationship you should be able to be comfortable. It was the fact that his behaviors were indicative of deeper issue: he was not taking care of himself and it showed and that was why it was a huge turn off. I was resentful, but I loved him and chose to overlook it. Then eventually it got to the point where I was upset about it, because I was still maintaining the person I was and putting effort in ways that he would not. And when we would talk, he would say "well who am I trying to impress. I already have you?" and then give me a kiss as if because he has me, that means he doesn't have to try anymore.
His transformation was minor compared to the OP's, but his attitude was enough to make me feel some type of way that I didn't like. I'm almost certain that had his transformation been more dramatic and he displayed the same attitude that no matter the amount of love I have, that it would have had a pretty huge impact on our sex life, amongst other things. That's not to say that I would leave, but that the relationship would change in a negative way.
In the OP's case this has changed the marriage in a negative way. Yes ideally he should accept her no matter what, but the reality is that he is not the type of man that can still have physical attraction if a woman gets much fatter than what he'd like. It is what it is. And if she continues with her eating habits then she'll look up and what is a healthy weight now, will be unhealthy down the road. Even if she is happy with how she looks, changing her lifestyle and taking care of herself is important.