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Old 10-20-2015, 09:27 PM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
18,258 posts, read 22,458,334 times
Reputation: 19593

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Um... that PLUS size model is 3 inches taller than the OP. That matters.
True. But it also matters what the OP's percentage of body fat happens to be. Muscle is heavier than fat so two people at the same height weighing 150lbs could look very different. The number on the scale is just not as important.

A "fit" 150lber vs a "flabby, skinny fat" 120lber. Which is one better?
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Old 10-20-2015, 09:33 PM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
18,258 posts, read 22,458,334 times
Reputation: 19593
I always find threads like this to be annoying because women are supposed to be perpetually skinny and pretty while men get beer guts, bald and become impotent and WE are supposed to continue to love THEM through all of that.

People change. So if the OP were in an accident and lost a leg or arm is it now ok for her husband to leave her because he didn't marry her that way. Many of the attitudes in this thread are so shallow.
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Old 10-20-2015, 10:11 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,411,852 times
Reputation: 9547
It's no more shallow than the alternative attitude that allowing yourself to go to hell is fair to your spouse...and by association your family and your own children if you happen to have any.

It's not even a man vs women thing, it's allowing the things you have control of to just slip away and expecting the other to just go with it becuase you said a vow and made a choice to do as you desired

Outside of the weight debate this is ultimately the real issue with acting like this.

The things being discussed are no accidents, it's not an act of God or a unforeseen complication. It is something you have direct control of and know what will happen if you continue to allow happen.

This is where serious complications in "love me for who I am" manifest. It's taking out the personal responsibility to yourself and showing the world you really don't care what happens as long as you are happy with what you are doing.

It's disregarding everything involved and focusing solely on your own desires and needs

The OP to this thread has other issues in her realtionship, things related to mutual respect and respect for the entire marriage...this appears to be an offshoot of those issues

Last edited by rego00123; 10-20-2015 at 10:48 PM..
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Old 10-21-2015, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Woodinville
3,184 posts, read 4,827,951 times
Reputation: 6283
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
I always find threads like this to be annoying because women are supposed to be perpetually skinny and pretty while men get beer guts, bald and become impotent and WE are supposed to continue to love THEM through all of that.
It sounds like your view of societal norms are governed by sitcoms.
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Old 10-21-2015, 09:34 AM
 
Location: New Yawk
9,196 posts, read 7,192,543 times
Reputation: 15313
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
True. But it also matters what the OP's percentage of body fat happens to be. Muscle is heavier than fat so two people at the same height weighing 150lbs could look very different. The number on the scale is just not as important.

A "fit" 150lber vs a "flabby, skinny fat" 120lber. Which is one better?
Right, but the OP didn't gain weight by building muscle and strength training; it's a safe assumption that her body fat % is not in the athletic range.
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Old 10-21-2015, 09:48 AM
 
1,881 posts, read 1,476,464 times
Reputation: 4533
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Um... that PLUS size model is 3 inches taller than the OP. That matters.
That this model is considered "plus size" in the first place is a joke of epic proportions, no pun intended.
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Old 10-21-2015, 12:09 PM
 
3,063 posts, read 3,258,393 times
Reputation: 3641
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
It's no more shallow than the alternative attitude that allowing yourself to go to hell is fair to your spouse...and by association your family and your own children if you happen to have any.

It's not even a man vs women thing, it's allowing the things you have control of to just slip away and expecting the other to just go with it becuase you said a vow and made a choice to do as you desired

Outside of the weight debate this is ultimately the real issue with acting like this.

The things being discussed are no accidents, it's not an act of God or a unforeseen complication. It is something you have direct control of and know what will happen if you continue to allow happen.

This is where serious complications in "love me for who I am" manifest. It's taking out the personal responsibility to yourself and showing the world you really don't care what happens as long as you are happy with what you are doing.

It's disregarding everything involved and focusing solely on your own desires and needs

The OP to this thread has other issues in her realtionship, things related to mutual respect and respect for the entire marriage...this appears to be an offshoot of those issues

Exactly.

I think people are fixated on the fact that she went from being underweight to a healthy weight and that this should be fine because "death do us apart" and "hey she isn't fat anyway". But that's really just looking at from the surface level. It's deeper than her gaining weight--it's the general attitude that she has from how she gained it(late night sugary cereal) with the intention to get thicker, the fact that she knows this man and his preferences which she did "fit" when they met, and no matter how much he verbalized his feelings her expectation for him to just look pass it and still feel the same level of attraction toward her physically and accept the "new" her. Her husband might be selfish for wanting her to be thin again, but she's also selfish based on this attitude.

She has to take personal responsibility. Her weight gain, and her new body, are not what her husband finds attractive, if he has sexually abandoned her that is why. When she married this man she KNEW what he liked, she KNEW what she was like, then she transformed and whether she's at the right weight now or not she gained a lot of weight unhealthily and intentionally and cannot expect him to just be on board knowing the type of man he is.

There's a difference between loving someone and having physical desire/attraction for that person. Nowhere in this thread has the OP said her husband no longer loves her. Her main problem is that he is no longer attracted to her.

I think it's important that people understand that not everyone has the same POV about marriage, and Vows. Everyone should strive to take their Vows and their marriage seriously but we all have different deal breakers.

For the OP, her husband is obviously not someone who can still feel the same level of desire no matter if his wife is thin, fat, average, thick, etc. And he made that clear to her in the beginning. This is not "new" news. He is not a bad person because he honestly cannot find her attractive anymore since she's gained 50 pounds.

It's idealistic to believe that everyone should just love their "so" no matter what. The reality is that this is NOT the case. There are many couples that go through similar scenarios as the OP, because there are many people that do not feel that marriage, vows, and love mean that one can just stop taking care of themselves the way they did when they met and be loved regardless.

I thought hard about this as I was responding because I realized that in all the relationships I was in, overtime the looks of the guy did not matter, because of my feelings-they transcended beyond how he looked. I liked them as people. And when they didn't always look the best it never crossed my mind that I would not accept them as is. And likewise(because let's face it I try but I'm not always 100%). However I also know that none of these guys had dramatic change in physical appearance that was the result of not keeping up with their bodies. But I did experience a situation with an "ex" who slowly overtime stopped taking caring of himself the way he used to--it wasn't a weight thing, but just the way he presented himself. I did accept it, because I loved him as a person, but I also consistently spoke up, tried to help him myself, and was pretty passive about how much it irked me. It wasn't just that he had gotten too comfortable and decided to stop putting much effort into appearance that bothered me, because in a relationship you should be able to be comfortable. It was the fact that his behaviors were indicative of deeper issue: he was not taking care of himself and it showed and that was why it was a huge turn off. I was resentful, but I loved him and chose to overlook it. Then eventually it got to the point where I was upset about it, because I was still maintaining the person I was and putting effort in ways that he would not. And when we would talk, he would say "well who am I trying to impress. I already have you?" and then give me a kiss as if because he has me, that means he doesn't have to try anymore.

His transformation was minor compared to the OP's, but his attitude was enough to make me feel some type of way that I didn't like. I'm almost certain that had his transformation been more dramatic and he displayed the same attitude that no matter the amount of love I have, that it would have had a pretty huge impact on our sex life, amongst other things. That's not to say that I would leave, but that the relationship would change in a negative way.

In the OP's case this has changed the marriage in a negative way. Yes ideally he should accept her no matter what, but the reality is that he is not the type of man that can still have physical attraction if a woman gets much fatter than what he'd like. It is what it is. And if she continues with her eating habits then she'll look up and what is a healthy weight now, will be unhealthy down the road. Even if she is happy with how she looks, changing her lifestyle and taking care of herself is important.
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Old 10-21-2015, 12:47 PM
 
Location: TN
1,273 posts, read 987,780 times
Reputation: 1225
He should stop chatting up teenage girls on Facebook
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Old 10-21-2015, 12:48 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,881,608 times
Reputation: 8594
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post

People change. So if the OP were in an accident and lost a leg or arm is it now ok for her husband to leave her because he didn't marry her that way. Many of the attitudes in this thread are so shallow.
The issue is not the husband leaving her. The issue is him not wanting to have sex with her. That's not his fault. He can't force himself to be attracted to her.

And there is no difference if she lost an arm or a leg. He can force himself to stay with her, but he can't force himself to be attracted to her.
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Old 10-21-2015, 01:04 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,687 posts, read 19,829,879 times
Reputation: 42955
I think everybody who comments on the OP's weight should state their own body shape.
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