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It's been almost a month since our Shih Tzu passed away and I haven't taken it well at all. She had been chronically ill for 18 months with pulmonary hypertension and CHF but in the end it was renal failure caused by the diuretics that took her life. I never thought of her care as a burden, I thought of it as a true blessing because when she first went into CHF in 2012 she nearly died. I was truly blessed with another year and a half. She had the greatest care from her cardiologists and for the most part she had mostly seen them since her ordeal started.
Here is my dilemma though and I don't know if I am overly sensitive but I am quite upset with her primary vet. We adopted Mia from the shelter as an adult and we had her for 9 years. Those 9 years she saw the same vet at the same clinic. She had just had a visit not even 3 weeks before her passing for an annual exam. At that time her kidney levels had risen but she didn't seem too alarmed. Just a few weeks later she stopped eating so I called to make sure I could increase her Pepcid to twice a day thinking maybe the acid reflux was depressing her appetite. No improvement and then she started having diarrhea as well. We called early that Saturday morning and asked if we could bring her in. We were told no, bring her to the ER. We did bring her to the ER and agreed to start treatment to see if we could bring down her kidney levels (they had doubled in just the few short weeks since her visit). The following morning the attending vet called to tell us she was failing and we really needed to put her down. We agreed but wanted to be there and left right away. She held on for us until we got there but she was mostly comatose and unaware. We said goodbye and we let her go. Even now as I type this I can't help but cry. After her primary found out she passed away, we received a fairly generic sympathy card from her saying she lived longer than most in her condition. Her passing, after being refused treatment, didn't apparently even warrant a phone call. I don't know If I am overly sensitive because Mia meant so much to us but I thought 1.) Being a chronically ill long time patient, it would have been nice if they could have squeezed in an appointment for her so she didn't have to see strangers. or 2. Once she found out she passed away, I thought at least a call would have been nice.
I loved this vet and always thought she was knowledgeable and caring. She's been caring for our pets for quite some time. Am I wrong to feel this way? I feel she let Mia down and I can't forgive her for that. I don't think she could have saved her but it would have at least showed she cared if she had tried. Now I am left wondering if I stay at the same clinic and request a different vet or leave the clinic all together to help erase what my mind feels was poor and insensitive treatment.
I'm sure it's been said a dozen times by now but I'll add to it, nonetheless:
You're still grieving. What many do when they grieve is forget that neither you, nor any vet, is God. We can't control all things. I have been beating myself up over the death of my cat since she died last August. Doesn't matter what anyone says, there will always be a part of me that will blame myself for it. Always. She was way too young.
And that's what we do. Yours is going towards your vet. I don't believe your vet was negligent. She told you to take the dog to the E/R. If the dog died in the E/R shortly after, what do you think your vet could have done differently?
As for the card, I prefer to look at it as a nice touch instead of as a negative. The first time I ever got one was from an E/R when I lost my little rat Lucy. I was devastated, I loved that rat with every fiber of my being. I was holding her when she died as I was on the way to the E/R. They didn't even know me and they sent me a card. I needed that card. I needed to know that someone else cared enough to do that for me. It actually made me feel better. I didn't need a phone call. What would I do? Cry the whole time? No, the card was better.
Not getting a call doesn't mean that the vet didn't think your pet was important...I don't think they would be in their line of work if they didn't care about animals. You have to remember, however, that vets see many animals throughout the years. They literally do not have the time to call each and every single person who loses a pet. I worked in a vet office for a spell, I WAS the one who sent out those cards. My vet did not have the time to make those calls. The ONLY time a vet made the call was when the animal was under their care, in surgery, and the animal didn't make it through surgery. The vet called the owner and let them know. We were all standing there, and even though we didn't make the call, we suffered right along with them, because we DID care about that little animal. Don't for one second think that the vets don't....trust me, they most certainly do.
It's okay to grieve and be sad, be mad, and it's perfectly normal to look for someone to blame whether it be yourself or the vet...and even though I just admitted that I still do it to myself over my cat, you have to realize that sometimes, there's not a thing anyone can do. Sometimes, it's just time.
I have lost a pet who became sick and was dead in hours. We all know how to suffer.
What I have read from the OP suggests someone who does not hear words like 'no'. I as an owner would have known that I was pushing the humane limits on how selfish I could be to put my desire to keep an animal beyond its possible comfort and wellbeing.
If I read correctly this dog had been chronically and acutely sick off and on for a while.
I found it telling that in responding to other contributors she chose to never respond to the comment that she did not call on the cardiologist group whom she praised so highly and whom she said had taken care of the dog for most of the last year of its life.
She did admit that they sent a card signed by all. Could this signify that they saw themselves as the attending physicians at the end. Perhaps too, that they did not even know that the vet had suggested the (ER)
I want to be practical and this will not sound kind, I am sorry for that. But like other contributors have suggested, I believe this is about a lot of pent up anger. (common at the time of a death of any kind)
I feel there is an exceptional display of selfishness in the story. Praising those who sent a card and damning those who didn't. Is that really what was important.
What I would ask is; did you write a note to any or all of the doctors that did more than is often done at end of a dog's life to express your gratitude for their service and care.
I definitely do not believe you should return to this vet as she served you well, obviously, for a long time and when she wisely knew she had done all she could, you have condemned her with no regard for her efforts on your behalf. And, you even accused her of refusing treatment when she referred you to the ER.
I pondered whether to post this and did not want to offend anyone, we are after all, dog owners. But you did post a question on the forum that caught my attention for a reason. If this experience changes you in any way then there will be a positive end perhaps. But your request to close this thread tells me that you were not hearing what you wanted to hear. And I suspect you communicated with the doctors in the same way.
Good luck in going forward,
Raj Kapoor
Last edited by raj kapoor; 04-29-2014 at 07:53 PM..
I honestly thank you all for your opinions. It's quite apparent to me judging by the replies that grief is clouding my better and more rational judgment.
I do not blame anyone for her passing and we were just glad we were able to get back to the ER in time to say our final goodbyes. I just obviously wish things had turned out differently or we knew then what we know now to have made a better decision regarding her care. If I blame anyone or am angry at anyone, it is most definitely myself.
However I would definitely prefer to let this thread end. Consensus is obvious. I don't really need to keep being told. What I need now is to try and move on, love the ones I still have, and hopefully learn from my mistakes
Thank you
I think you have very valid feelings. Having gone through something very similar with our lab and having her pass at the ER I can understand all of your feelings!
I think what it comes down to, at least for me, was whether or not you felt true compassion from your vet especially after her passing. Our vet didn't even send a card (and I knew they were notified by the ER). Whereas the ER sent a beautiful card with nice handwritten messages in it along with our babies paw print in clay that I had no idea that they had even done! Needless to say I NEVER stepped foot in our old vets office again!
I know that grieving can cloud your judgement and that we tend to blame others and ourselves way more than we need to during that time however that doesn't mean that some of those feelings you have aren't partially justified. To be honest I too would be upset with the comment they put in your card. I wouldn't find that compassionate at all and would have to rethink whether or not I would want to continue care with a vet that I felt that way about.
So I think what's best right now is to allow yourself to go through the entire grieving process....which includes anger, blame, crying, all of it. But please don't beat yourself up to much. In the end all of us are trying to do the best we can with the information we have and it isn't always easy to know what our pets are truly going through or when/if their time has come. That's what makes it so much harder to deal with.
Whereas the ER sent a beautiful card with nice handwritten messages in it along with our babies paw print in clay that I had no idea that they had even done!
This good marketing. Nothing more. When my lab was PTS, the new vet sent a card. Months later, when I was scheduling an appointment for my Basset with the lab's previous vet (I switched vets during the lab's illness), the receptionist looked up my records with my phone number and asked if the appointment was for the Lab's name. I told her he died and said the appointment was for the Basset's name. That's the only conversation I had about the lab with the old vet's office, and I received a card MONTHS after my lab's death from the old vet. Why? Because it got plugged into their computer system and the office procedure is to send out condolence cards. There are no feelings behind these things. Some offices are better at it than others. Just don't be fooled into thinking it's an indication they care more.
I have lost a pet who became sick and was dead in hours. We all know how to suffer.
What I have read from the OP suggests someone who does not hear words like 'no'. I as an owner would have known that I was pushing the humane limits on how selfish I could be to put my desire to keep an animal beyond its possible comfort and wellbeing.
If I read correctly this dog had been chronically and acutely sick off and on for a while.
I found it telling that in responding to other contributors she chose to never respond to the comment that she did not call on the cardiologist group whom she praised so highly and whom she said had taken care of the dog for most of the last year of its life.
She did admit that they sent a card signed by all. Could this signify that they saw themselves as the attending physicians at the end. Perhaps too, that they did not even know that the vet had suggested the (ER)
I want to be practical and this will not sound kind, I am sorry for that. But like other contributors have suggested, I believe this is about a lot of pent up anger. (common at the time of a death of any kind)
I feel there is an exceptional display of selfishness in the story. Praising those who sent a card and damning those who didn't. Is that really what was important.
What I would ask is; did you write a note to any or all of the doctors that did more than is often done at end of a dog's life to express your gratitude for their service and care.
I definitely do not believe you should return to this vet as she served you well, obviously, for a long time and when she wisely knew she had done all she could, you have condemned her with no regard for her efforts on your behalf. And, you even accused her of refusing treatment when she referred you to the ER.
I pondered whether to post this and did not want to offend anyone, we are after all, dog owners. But you did post a question on the forum that caught my attention for a reason. If this experience changes you in any way then there will be a positive end perhaps. But your request to close this thread tells me that you were not hearing what you wanted to hear. And I suspect you communicated with the doctors in the same way.
Good luck in going forward,
Raj Kapoor
First of all, my vet did send a card and I said that from the very beginning. It was the statement that she lived longer than most with her condition that just struck me as cold like I should be happy we managed that long. Again, I know I'm sensitive, this little girl was my heart dog. She probably didn't even mean it that way but even just saying we're going to miss her would have been better. And truly, I would have appreciated a call but as stated, who knows what was going on in her mind.
As for not calling the cardiologist, she didn't appear to be in any cardiac distress and she wasn't. I checked her respiratory rate and it was low. Since she had just been to our primary vet and her kidney levels had increased since her last visit, I assumed the new problem probably had something to do with that. She was chronically ill but she had been doing very well on her medications. This was a new and sudden issue. That is why i called her primary vet. And the ER is at the veterinary teaching hospital where her cardiologist would have indeed been called in if that had been the problem. One in the same place.
I did thank the ER vet when we got there for trying their best and I personally thanked the vet tech who held her in her arms until we got there. I also sent a picture card to her cardiology department and thanked them for all they had done. They actually did a remarkable job getting her back on her feet when this all started. As for sending a thank you to her primary vet, NO. I had in the past, I have even given her gifts as appreciation and when her dog died, I gave her a picture frame to put his picture in. That was then, this is now and I do believe things have changed. I think a big part of the problem is we have two vets. We moved several years ago and we planned to switch everyone over to a new vet but once we were settled, I didn't think it was fair to switch the seniors to a new vet that late in their lives. We drove an hour to keep them there and switched the others. We had 5 dogs at the time. After our Chow and Rottie passed away we rescued two more dogs. They stayed close to home, I didn't want to drive them that far. Mia and our senior cat were that last at that clinic. We are now in a position to be back in that area since we have on offer on a house so when I took in Mia, I also took our new Chow Mei Li to see her because of how great she was with Tara, our other Chow. I don't know why but she chose to examine her in a back room. That just happened to be another thing that bothered me. There just seems to be a disconnect there and it wasn't just with Mia. When we lost Tara in 2007, it was on a weekend and she called to see how we were doing and when we lost our Rottie in 2008 she performed the euthanasia and actually cried for him. I don't see that in her anymore, it seems so much less personal and more business.
At this point it may not even matter because our short sale from hell may not even go through and we would stay all local. And as I said before, you don't need to tell someone the same thing over and over again. I agreed this loss is super sensitive to me. My dogs, my heart, my loss.
When my Labrador died, he had lived 5 years longer than dogs with his medical condition. I was thrilled we managed that long. I wouldn't think it was heartless if someone said that. I think her saying that made it personal, like she was recognizing her experience with your dog through the medical problems.
When old people die, I think "my goodness! 98 years old? That's no surprise!" but that doesn't mean I don't realize loved ones aren't grieving. Of course, I'd never say that. I don't say "she lived a good long life either." You never know how people are going to respond when they are grieving. You can't say the right thing.
Even right now, you're critiquing what she said and offering what would have been better for her to have said instead. That's probably why she sends cards instead of calling people. I learned a long time ago to just say "I'm sorry for your loss" and "you have my condolences" or "you and your family are in my thoughts" because grieving people take everything the wrong way. When you start giving these safe canned responses, you're instantly becoming less connected with the people who are grieving.
Years ago in my 20s, I worked for the Diocese. A big part of the business is death. Early on, I was heartbroken on a regular basis. I asked a priest one day, "How can you take all of this suffering?" A year later, I was like "another one bit the dust." I'm not surprised you say she changed. When dealing with death on a constant basis, you can't get personal or you'd be depressed all the time. It's unrealistic for you to expect your vet to cry for your animals. They have lives and children they need to be emotionally stable for.
luvmy,
I don't really understand how all that you posted above has anything to do with or responds to my post.
But, I will take the opportunity to ask this question.
Why have you so warmly embraced the cardiologist, ER, and anyone else but the vet who served you so well for almost ten years. It seems as if there is more to this since most people on the forum have not been able to understand what she did that was so wrong.
You even accused her of REFUSING TO TREAT your dog, when all that occurred was that her office referred you to ER, most likely because she knew this dog was very ill and had been for a very long time. As another contributor wrote, she also knew that with your dogs history, her office and Saturday staff could not hold a candle to what the ER could offer.
And yet, one of the 'listed' demands you want to make was that 'they could have at least squeezed her in for an appointment'. Its quite possible that your doctor knew that you were not realistic about the condition your dog was in. She made the right decision, but maybe you didn't. You don't make it clear that you actually took your dog in that day after the phone call.
I would also like to point out as the above poster that the verbal reference she made to you was more than appropriate. I hear people say often when one dies, "they had a good life". Well, yes, but they could have had more. One can choose to be offended by anything.
I'm not sure I even think this is about the dog. I am getting signals that this is about your sense of entitlement. You've basically said she should have dropped what she was doing for you. In the real world we have to consider many people at once often. Perhaps you are more special than her other patient's owners, but I don't see it by your disrespect for a vet that served you well for almost ten years.
Raj
Last edited by raj kapoor; 04-30-2014 at 02:02 AM..
All I can say is she would have in the past and I guess I don't understand what changed. She didn't even talk to us that day, it was relayed through the receptionist. I don't feel entitled, I just felt she deserved the same treatment that our other dogs had in the past. When the others passed away, she was more of a newbie vet so time very well have helped her set up a better coping mechanism and know when to say its better not to get involved. We DID take her to the ER that Saturday and she passed away Sunday morning.
I have a lot of respect for her and appreciate what she has done in the past, I just held her to the higher standard of treatment I had seen her give our pets in the past. I didn't blame her for her death. I didn't say she was a terrible vet. I felt let down based on her previous actions.
If it seems I am berating her by appreciating the ER and cardiologists more it is just based on what happened at the end. They are the stand outs for working so hard to save her.
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