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Old 02-13-2008, 03:39 PM
Location: minneapolis
19 posts, read 53,253 times
Reputation: 25


stuck outside in white tank top and no bra

yeah that's right.
it's 2 am on a sunday night/monday morning and i am awake. shocker. practicing my poor sleeping habits. so, seattle, my little red pit bull, decides he needs to go potty. i tell him to go lay down. he's all up in my grill. the dog's gotta go.

well, i'm a sucker for a pouty face, so i decide to take the dogs out for a quick pee. i say 'dogs' as i also have a 5 1/2 year old pit-shep-boxer mix that is brindle, white chested named kingston. it's october by the way, and it's freakin cold outside in minneapolis. when my dogs gotta go, especially seattle, he's gotta go. unless i want a puddle on the bathroom floor. it's cold as i said, so i know it will be quick...

the cold will suck. but my best friend has to piddle. so, taking him out is going to happen right now, i decide.

despite it being 2 am.

it will be quick.

i had been cleaning up my apt in little soccer shorts and a white tank top. i'm a bigger girl, to, a strapping 200+ lbs of 38 year old goodness. i figure i won't be out long, i slip on some shoes with no socks.

i get the dogs all leashed up. i don't grab poop bags, because this is gonna be a "quick potty," which oddly enough, my dogs understand. i grab my keys and gently shut my apartment door behind me (the door slams if you don't catch it and i got a note about that a few weeks ago from one of my neighbors. so i'm working on catching it before it slams. but that's another story)...

we go to the patch of grass next door. quick piddle by both dogs. they
know the routine, seattle hangs there a little longer than kingston. yep. he had to go. did i mention it's cold outside?
we head directly back to our apartment. i go to unlock the door and realize i grabbed the wrong Moderator cut: we'd prefer you didn't! key. can i use swears on this forum? i guess i'll find out. sometimes swears are the best to describe a situation. even though a screenwriting instructor once told me that my excessive use of cuss words was a sign of my poor vocabulary.

so... back to it.


i don't have my cell phone. there are no pockets in soccer shorts. i'm not wearing a bra (and clearly, i should ALWAYS be - and rarely do), and this little white tank top. which is seriously a "shirt" for home use only.

there are no lights on in any of my neighbor's windows. well one up on
the third floor, but those guys never answer the door bell. i'm basically Moderator cut: all messed up .
i decide, because there is no other solution, that i need to find a way to scale the wall.

i live on the second floor.

kingston, seattle and i venture over to the garbage bins in the neighborhood. a lot of people discard furniture around this time of the month. nothing in the few bins close to my apartment, so i walk around the parking lots a bit. dressed in almost nothing, again, by the way.

i find this big dresser thing, minus the drawers. jackpot. even though it's heavy as hell. and awkward. i said before i'm a big girl, rather tough looking, but not so tough in real life. i'm struggling with this dresser.

i go back to my building and tie the dogs off and walk back to the dresser. i do my best to haul this stupid thing quietly and place it below my window. as i said, i live on the 2nd floor. i have to prop the dresser a few feet to the left of the window, because there's this window sill thingy to the downstairs/basement apartment (like a window well sort of thing)prohibiting me from doing it the easy way (by putting the dresser directly below my window).

so... it's a stretch. a few feet to the left. i climb up it.

my dogs are peering at me wondering what the hell is up, and they are a bit cold. the dresser makes a huge creaking sound like it's gonna break. i have it propped up against the wall and i'm hanging onto this drainage thing (that's not actually affixed to the building to my surprise)

and i'm... well...

kinda doing the splits, which is not a comfortable position for me at all, and is actually (under normal circumstances) something i cannot do.

i'm struggling.

i'm on my tippy toes.

i'm reaching... reaching.

alas! it's not tall enough.

my dogs are a bit restless. i run them around a bit and we are all cold cold cold. and i'm frustrated.

i venture back to the dumpster diving in hopes of finding something to set on top of the dresser that will hold my 200+ pounds, and get me up high enough to get my self into my Moderator cut: oh, let's just imagine here! apartment.

it's 2:45 am.

and again, no bra.

i may as well just been topless. seriously. gravity is happening. in full view.
i rummage around and find this cardboard box thing. it seems sturdy enough, so i bring it back and set it on the dresser.

no good. it quickly crushes. my dogs are concerned.

(what the hell was i thinking with that one, anyway?)

i'm looking around on the ground around the windows. i find this big rock, and decide to build something below the dresser.

i'm a thinker.

only didn;'t think enough to GRAB MY KEYS when i went outside. UGH!

i slide the rock toward the wall and balance the dresser on top of the rock, kind of crooked and also resting on that basement apartment window sill thing. it brings me up about 4 more inches.

not a flat surface. not sturdy. but i've been at it awhile now. i want in.

the balancing of the dresser on the rock was not the smartest of ideas. it's tippy. i kind of force it against the wall with my weight on one leg. i don't remember which one. but one of those legs of mine.

i'm climbing up. i throw my right leg back up into the almost splits position. i'm up on my toes and the dresser is kicking out a bit away from the wall! i pop the screen back all the way (which is easy to do when the window is cracked open, thank goodness it is) to the floor.

i yank the cord to the blind and pull them up.

i contemplate trying to climb up that cord, like it's a rope.

i decide that's not a good idea. i think i was correct on that one.

so, my foot is propped up, my left hand is touching the drain thing and is flat against the wall. my right hand's fingers are barely into my apartment. i tip up onto my toes just a little bit more...

i know if i try again, and tip up a little harder, i'm gonna lose my footing so i really gotta get my arm up into that window sill. by now i'm breaking a sweat. AGHHH! is this really happening? i tip up my toes so far i get a cramp, the dresser makes a loud noise and kinda bangs against the wall, as i hoist myself up!

i succeed in getting my arm in, and completely lose the footing.
so my arm is up and in, but my leg is down. i'm hanging there by my right

i consider giving up.

my right breast is unhappy crushed up againt the wall.

with all my might, i give it all i have left and scale that wall and get my upper body over my window sill, with a big heave.

once i'm there, i'm pretty much in, but it's not a comfortable process after that. but this is far too detailed already. let's just say my gut was a chore to get over the window sill.

i get in. i grab the correct set of keys. i go outside. i bring the dresser
back to a dumpster. i grab my dogs and bring them with me as i throw
away the crushed box. phew. time to go home...

and as i approach the back door, heather, my only neighbor that i
like, is standing outside smoking.

Last edited by Sam I Am; 02-13-2008 at 07:03 PM.. Reason: easier to read and type-os
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Old 02-13-2008, 04:36 PM
Location: Connecticut
157 posts, read 473,476 times
Reputation: 154
Great story, I'm still laughing! Now that's love.
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Old 02-13-2008, 05:05 PM
Location: Tucson, AZ
1,222 posts, read 4,424,792 times
Reputation: 856
That should be published!!
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:13 PM
Location: McKinleyville, California
6,413 posts, read 8,667,567 times
Reputation: 4177
Thanks for the laugh, better than a story in readers digest.
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Old 02-14-2008, 08:31 AM
Location: North Carolina
265 posts, read 1,104,071 times
Reputation: 209
Well it's all good after that, eh?!
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Old 02-14-2008, 08:39 AM
Location: Southern NC
1,917 posts, read 4,146,194 times
Reputation: 2500
Great story! Sounds like my luck!
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Old 02-14-2008, 10:29 AM
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,211,203 times
Reputation: 2657
OMG! ROTFLMAO!!!! That is too funny! You oughta write a book! Or a weekly column or something !
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Old 02-14-2008, 12:03 PM
443 posts, read 1,560,820 times
Reputation: 369
That sounds like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon
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Old 02-14-2008, 12:33 PM
Location: Kingman AZ
15,371 posts, read 33,205,804 times
Reputation: 8958
I read the headline only at first.....couldn't figger out why you would send your dawg out without a bra.......made more sense after I read the whole thing.....
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Old 02-15-2008, 05:27 PM
1,455 posts, read 172,936 times
Reputation: 655
Sorry to hear that happened to you but the way you told the story was hilarious ... thanks for sharing
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