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My friend is married to a very secretive man. He gives her money but does not allow access to bank accounts, etc., and she doesn't even know what money he has in the bank. She is interested in getting burial insurance for him (he has prostate cancer), but was told that he has to sign the contract, and he won't do it. Here is my question: she has a very small pension. Less than $500 a month. She is not yet 65. What if he dies and she cannot afford to bury him? Is she still liable for burial cost or can the state bury him and not charge her because she literally has very little income?
Unless his will or a prenup leaves her nothing (and, I suppose, that's likely in this strange case), all of his assets will come to her. There should be $1k to toast and inter him somewhere, if she or anyone else cares.
If all this is accurate and he neither allows her money nor will prepare/discuss his final arrangements nor leaves her any money... she does not have to claim his body from the hospital or morgue. Let it go to the city or county or state for disposal.
My friend is married to a very secretive man. He gives her money but does not allow access to bank accounts, etc., and she doesn't even know what money he has in the bank. She is interested in getting burial insurance for him (he has prostate cancer), but was told that he has to sign the contract, and he won't do it. Here is my question: she has a very small pension. Less than $500 a month. She is not yet 65. What if he dies and she cannot afford to bury him? Is she still liable for burial cost or can the state bury him and not charge her because she literally has very little income?
When my husband died two months ago I only had to put down a deposit at the funeral home and received the final bill one month later. While that bill was technically due in 10 days, if I could not pay it in full I could pay it off a little slower but be charged interest. However, I know that some (maybe most) funeral homes require all or most of the payment up front before the funeral is held. She may also check into low cost options, such as cremation.
Perhaps if your friend tells her husband that she can not afford to buy a casket for him, or have a funeral for him, or put his obituary in the newspaper, because her pension is only $500 a month, he may relent and tell her more about his/their finances or even give her enough money to pay for everything. Or he may just tell her that he does not care about those things anyway.
Also, just because he has cancer it does not mean that he is going to die, at least any time soon.
BTW, how in the world does she not know their financial situation if they are married? Don't they file joint income taxes? Or does he not allow her to see the taxes when she signs them?
Frankly, if I were in her shoes I would be more concerned about what happens after he dies and stops paying the bills not his funeral. She will be entitled to his SS benefits after he dies, so at least she probably will not have to worry about buying food. She may also be eligible to his pension, if he has one and if he signed up for her to receive it. So even if his will leaves all of his money to someone else or to charity (hopefully not) she still will be receiving a monthly income. But, will that be enough to pay the mortgage or rent and her other expenses?
I wish her the best of luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-17-2018 at 12:21 PM..
She will be entitled to his SS benefits after he dies.
Very good point. Being pre-retirement, myself, I didn't think of that.
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However, I know that some funeral homes may require all or most of the payment up front.
And those are the ones you want to walk out of, just like a sleazy car dealer. I understand they want to get paid, but doing so on a "loan" basis against insurance or pension proceeds, or just a glance at net worth and credit history, is quite common and considerate.
I've buried too many family members, some just far enough apart that we could not use a known funeral home. Twice, when the conversation began with the money and could we bring in a cashier's check before Step 1, we walked out... and found a family-trade house that didn't even bring up payment until all the other issues had been discussed.
The cash-first ones figure heavily on bereavement and confusion to get away with their practice. Don't let them.
Very good point. Being pre-retirement, myself, I didn't think of that.
And those are the ones you want to walk out of, just like a sleazy car dealer. I understand they want to get paid, but doing so on a "loan" basis against insurance or pension proceeds, or just a glance at net worth and credit history, is quite common and considerate.
I've buried too many family members, some just far enough apart that we could not use a known funeral home. Twice, when the conversation began with the money and could we bring in a cashier's check before Step 1, we walked out... and found a family-trade house that didn't even bring up payment until all the other issues had been discussed.
The cash-first ones figure heavily on bereavement and confusion to get away with their practice. Don't let them.
It never occurred to me that I only had to pay a small deposit before the funeral because they may have checked our credit score. I also chose that funeral home because several other family members were buried there, and they were in much, much better shape than me financially, so perhaps the funeral home knew that I would be "good for the money" eventually.
My friend is married to a very secretive man. He gives her money but does not allow access to bank accounts, etc., and she doesn't even know what money he has in the bank. She is interested in getting burial insurance for him (he has prostate cancer), but was told that he has to sign the contract, and he won't do it. Here is my question: she has a very small pension. Less than $500 a month. She is not yet 65. What if he dies and she cannot afford to bury him? Is she still liable for burial cost or can the state bury him and not charge her because she literally has very little income?
Regardless how secretive he is or isn't, they really need to discuss this. Its a reasonable topic. She could bring it up by explaining that she's thinking about what SHE would prefer. She might learn whether he objects to cremation. If he does, the topic of how to finance burial may well come up, as well as how he intends for her to pay for it on her pension. Maybe he already has some asset/plan set up (because he's so private he didn't want anyone else to do this) and sees no need for a policy. He may not want to give the details, but he could at least reassure her.
Cremation is reasonable and can be done pretty simply. She can take possession of his cremains right at the facility as long as she has an original copy of his death certificate. Then she can decide what to do about them later once his financial assets are clear. My dad was pretty miserly about stuff like this, so he wanted no frills or fuss. We took his ashes right after cremation and kept them until family could assemble for a trip out to sea where he wanted to be scattered.
When my husband died two months ago I only had to put down a deposit at the funeral home and received the final bill one month later. While that bill was technically due in 10 days, if I could not pay it in full I could pay it off a little slower but be charged interest. However, I know that some (maybe most) funeral homes require all or most of the payment up front before the funeral is held. She may also check into low cost options, such as cremation.
Perhaps if your friend tells her husband that she can not afford to buy a casket for him, or have a funeral for him, or put his obituary in the newspaper, because her pension is only $500 a month, he may relent and tell her more about his/their finances or even give her enough money to pay for everything. Or he may just tell her that he does not care about those things anyway.
Also, just because he has cancer it does not mean that he is going to die, at least any time soon.
BTW, how in the world does she not know their financial situation if they are married? Don't they file joint income taxes? Or does he not allow her to see the taxes when she signs them?
Frankly, if I were in her shoes I would be more concerned about what happens after he dies and stops paying the bills not his funeral. She will be entitled to his SS benefits after he dies, so at least she probably will not have to worry about buying food. She may also be eligible to his pension, if he has one and if he signed up for her to receive it. So even if his will leaves all of his money to someone else or to charity (hopefully not) she still will be receiving a monthly income. But, will that be enough to pay the mortgage or rent and her other expenses?
I wish her the best of luck.
Sad to say, I am not sure he is entitled to S.S., since he worked for fire department in NY and is on disability now from the fire dept. Not sure why he's on disability. But it's been a terrible marriage, sad to say, for my friend's sake.
Both their names are on a trailer they bought together, in a nice area, but they probably owe lots of money on it since they took a loan a few years ago. Yes, it's sad. I think he's holding money for his children. I would have looked through all his papers by this time when he wasn't home. I just feel badly for my friend. Some things are just sad.
BTW, how in the world does she not know their financial situation if they are married? Don't they file joint income taxes?
This is more common than you would think, unfortunately. Probably 90% of my parents’ friends who lost their spouses, more frequently the women, were in the dark about specifics. My dad has coached many of them how to manage things and understand their implications (as related to re-marrying, receiving SS $ and leaving inheritances to offspring). I wish I would had his patience(!)
She could discuss pre paying for the funeral and final costs directly to a funeral home.
I suggest she take a hard look at the tax returns, if he is declaring capitol gains, interest that will lead her to here the money is, and maybe some idea of how much.
And if he won't cooperate, leave the body for the kids to claim or the county/state.
She can also set up a meeting with human resources at the fire department. That person can explain what, if any spousal support there is post a disability retirement. Generally its good.
She needs to find a non profit help. This is abusive. If they are legally married, he can NOT hold money for his children. Everything is owned jointly in New York state. She needs to know her rights now before a crisis happens.
A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It is easy to keep you money and rights than to taken them back.
My mother was cremated. The Cremation was about $6,000. She was buried in a family plot so we didn't have purchase a plot or tombstone. In total it came to $7,000 with prayer cards, newspaper obituary, urn. I prepaid. I think many people charge these expenses and pay off their credit cards later.
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