U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Economics
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-19-2018, 08:10 PM
 
3,325 posts, read 3,262,707 times
Reputation: 8438

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
We're facing that. We spent a LOT more on one child's college education than the others.

We've decided an amount (it's actually a small fraction of the excess we spent) and he needs to pay us that back - completely interest free - so that we don't have to make a difference in the amounts given in the will.

Because fair's fair. Everyone could see he got 3X the amount of college funding than the others, and we really want to leave it where everyone feels like they got a fair shot even though the numbers won't really work out that way.

It's the spirit of the thing.

Parents who punitively give kids different amounts are setting their descendants up for a lifetime of ill will.

Is that really the way to go out of this life?
Did you calculate in everything else that every other child got, that that kid may not have gotten? Every car, every prom dress, braces, everything? Every expensive school trip? Every expensive toy? Wedding? Where does it stop?

Did that kid have special needs? Did that kid do something with that expensive education that made you proud? Has any other kid come to you for help in any way? Do you give exactly the same gifts, at exactly the same time, in exactly the same amount?

My parents paid for EVERYTHING for each of my older sibs in a very spread out family - college (mostly private, one public because that was the best one that kid got into), grand tour of Europe, 7 years tuition to get through a private 4 yr college, professional school, cars, apartments. None of them took out student loans, none worked while in school. By the time it was my turn, tuition had gone up. My last three years of college, I didn't ask for a penny for living expenses, worked to support myself while going to school full time. I won full scholarships to travel, worked, saved, bought my own car, supported myself entirely, paid for my own medically necessary surgery, never went to them for a penny. I then went to professional school that my parents (and every other parent from my ethnic group) desperately wanted to see one (or all) of their children go to. I took out student loans and worked when I could, never asked them for a penny for living expenses, but they did pay the tuition (for which I am very grateful).

Expensive gifts were made to the other kids - but not me. I never asked them to buy me anything. I bought my own wedding dress, because I was told point blank, "I'm not paying for it!" (I had never asked for them to pay for it, and it was all of $300 I think, about 20 years ago.)

Guess what? I was the ONLY one they asked to pay back tuition! They never took into account how much of everything I had paid for myself, that the older kids weren't expected to. They never took into account having paid for the other kids' professional schools, cars, apartments, living expenses, even everything for the screw up kid who repeatedly flunked out, and lived at home rent free, making them miserable, into his early 30s!

My point is, as a parent, you give to each kid what they need at the time they need it, to the best of your ability. If one really needed cosmetic surgery, or braces, and another didn't, do you add that to the running tab? If one needed expensive psychotherapy, and the others didn't, do you keep track of this?

If you have a kid that wants to attend an expensive college when there is a perfectly good public college that all the other sibs went to, and there is no good reason why he HAS to go to private college, then you tell them you'll contribute the cost of the public college, and let him take out loans and work 80 hours a week in the summer plus twenty hours a week in the winter to cover the difference.

But do NOT go back after the fact and will the kids different amounts to try to even the tab! It will only cause hurt feelings. If you thought it was unfair to the other kids to pay for private college for one, and public for the others, you shouldn't have done it at the time. Having done it, you should not take it out of one kid's inheritance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-19-2018, 08:15 PM
 
6,735 posts, read 2,619,543 times
Reputation: 18279
Quote:
Originally Posted by dmarie123 View Post
I expect my sister and I to get wildly different inheritances. I'm well off, I'm stable, I have a job, my husband has a job, and I make probably 10x the income of my sister, I have savings, investments, my kids have college funds, I'm in the top 15% of income earners in the country, with free medical and dental from my employer, etc. My sister struggles, she has no college, makes minimum wage, no insurance, unreliable car, etc. I would expect her to get nearly all of the inheritance, hopefully in a trust so she can't blow it. I don't need it. She does. I would not have any hurt feelings at all. If I received the inheritance I'd give it to her.
My husband has multiple siblings. He is the most well off of any of them. One really struggles. I would not expect my husband to get an equal share when his parents pass. Our household income is more than his parents, so I would actually expect that we'd get no inheritance, and we would foot the funeral costs, while I would hope his struggling sibling would get the inheritance or life insurance.

I would make the same decision with my own children. It has nothing to do with love, or fairness.

Inheritance, to me, isn't a reward. It's not a prize. It's a parent's last way of making sure their children are looked after and taken care of. If one child needs more help, more care, that child should get more. The inheritance is a parent's last way of making life better/easier for their child. Not all children need that. Some do.
Thank you for this lovely post. Really kind, and heartfelt.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2018, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in deep in Maine
3,484 posts, read 2,535,855 times
Reputation: 4211
And my kids will too. My son got a certain amount to buy a house, and his sister refused the money. His amount will be subtracted---if he gets any at all. And thatís kind of doubtful at the moment, since he treats his parents like shat most of the time, except when he wants something. His sister visits, calls on our birthdays and Mouther/father day, and generally shows that she still knows we exist.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2018, 09:16 PM
 
4,813 posts, read 5,438,693 times
Reputation: 7586
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliza61nyc View Post

Lol it seems to be hard for many adults too.

Is it any wonder why folks like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett have said they are not leaving their kids big piles of money.
They are leaving them plenty of money, just not all their money.

Both have said they are leaving their children enough money do do whatever they want in life, but not enough to do nothing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2018, 09:30 PM
 
4,813 posts, read 5,438,693 times
Reputation: 7586
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliza61nyc View Post

My late husband and I decided against inheritances just for that reason. I absolutely hate the assumption that this country has that every thing in life with kids has to be "fair". and the kids expectation that they are "owed" something.
THIS country? You mean America?

I read a very interesting article written by an American investment expert who has property in America, France, and South America.

He was talking with a French neighbor who told him that American attitudes towards inheritance are really strange to Europeans. The average European considers it part of his job as a parent to leave an inheritance if they can. Most inheritance laws in Europe prevent a parent from disinheriting their own children, and they have to jump through hoops to get around this.

Their governments feel that family inheritances prevent people from needing government assistance in the future, so they want to ensure that families take care of each other.

A European will see Americans on very expensive trips, proudly posting online that they are spending their children's inheritance, and they conclude American parents are very selfish. They are astonished that any parent would have that sentiment, let alone crow about it.

So, your idea that Americans have some unique entitlement issues towards inheritance isn't true when you look at inheritance standards and expectations in the rest of the world.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2018, 09:40 PM
 
4,813 posts, read 5,438,693 times
Reputation: 7586
My grandmother divided up her estate equally between my mother and my uncle.

My uncle of his own free will, refused to take his portion because my mother had to oversee ALL the care of my grandmother when she was no longer able to look after herself. This included all the work with an attorney, finding and managing caretakers, and then arranging for a nursing home and the sale of her house. All this played out over a number of years.

My uncle (her brother) lived too far away to be involved.

I think the whole thing was handled beautifully. I was very grateful that my uncle realized what was fair. My grandmother's will was created while she was still healthy, and had no way to know my mother would have to take on so much.

I feel like my brother, my sister, and myself would act the same.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2018, 09:45 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,475 posts, read 2,353,576 times
Reputation: 13885
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shooting Stars View Post
He was talking with a French neighbor who told him that American attitudes towards inheritance are really strange to Europeans. The average European considers it part of his job as a parent to leave an inheritance if they can. Most inheritance laws in Europe prevent a parent from disinheriting their own children, and they have to jump through hoops to get around this..
I agree with those types of laws. I think often when a parent disinherits a child from the will, it's done to "get even". To get some last dig in. But it's not worth it and it sets up family divisiveness and issues that can last for generations.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2018, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Tennessee at last!
1,870 posts, read 1,722,681 times
Reputation: 3714
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I agree with those types of laws. I think often when a parent disinherits a child from the will, it's done to "get even". To get some last dig in. But it's not worth it and it sets up family divisiveness and issues that can last for generations.
Disinheriting is not a 'get even' decision, but a hard decision to make.

I am disinheriting a child I adopted when she was 10 years old. She has had nothing to do with anyone in her adoptive family for over a decade. She lives a life on the edge, major unmedicated mental health issues (refuses medication or help), no permanent address, with her boy friend of 14 years who also does not want to work and she can be extremely violent. Her relationship for family is her birth family, and those that were adopted (her siblings) who are stable do not have a relationship with her because of her behaviors.

An inheritance would only quicken her demise and give her the ability to be more violent to someone else. ANY money she gets would go to drugs.

She, and society, are better served if she does not get an inheritance.

And I have three other adopted children who will inherit. Its not an adoption thing. Its what is best for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2018, 04:56 AM
 
4,813 posts, read 5,438,693 times
Reputation: 7586
Quote:
Originally Posted by lae60 View Post

Disinheriting is not a 'get even' decision, but a hard decision to make.

I am disinheriting a child I adopted when she was 10 years old. She has had nothing to do with anyone in her adoptive family for over a decade. She lives a life on the edge, major unmedicated mental health issues (refuses medication or help), no permanent address, with her boy friend of 14 years who also does not want to work and she can be extremely violent. Her relationship for family is her birth family, and those that were adopted (her siblings) who are stable do not have a relationship with her because of her behaviors.

An inheritance would only quicken her demise and give her the ability to be more violent to someone else. ANY money she gets would go to drugs.

She, and society, are better served if she does not get an inheritance.

And I have three other adopted children who will inherit. Its not an adoption thing. Its what is best for her.
You could put an inheritance for her into a trust, with rules on what she must do to access the money (like be off drugs/submit to drug testing) and/or allow only a little money into her hands at intervals.

Maybe look into that.

There doesn't have to be such a stark rejection if you think creatively.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2018, 05:10 AM
 
4,813 posts, read 5,438,693 times
Reputation: 7586
Quote:
Originally Posted by lae60 View Post

Disinheriting is not a 'get even' decision, but a hard decision to make.
Not for you it isn't.

But there are LOTS of parents who use disinheriting to get even or show blatant favoritism. Just because one is elderly enough to die, doesn't mean one is emotionally mature.

My ex-husband and his brother are beneficiaries of a trust set up by their very rich older brother. I think since they worked for him, he thought of it as funding their retirement.

One brother gets more money per month than the other. The brother that gets the lesser amount is grateful for the trust, but the difference stings a bit.

There is no way to take it as anything but what it means. I don't know why the deceased brother thought it was necessary to make a distinction. I am very familiar with the relationships between them, and the deceased brother and the brother who gets the higher amount were often mean to the brother who gets the lesser amount.

Nothing like rubbing it in one final time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Economics
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top