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When you are looking at inheritances, money = love. This shouldn't be true but it is. Probably the only fair thing you can do is divide it equally. I have 2 stories for you and they are true. The first one is mine.
Story 1
I have a sister who was a criminal. I don't think she still is but I don't know. I have had little to do with her since she stole from me and my parents back in the 1980's. She was always mom's favorite and my mom secretly supported her and gave her money for YEARS! Mom chose to make excuses for her behavior.
I did elder care for my parents for more than a decade. I gave them my home and pretty much supported them completely. In retrospect, they should have paid for everything and I should have taken their money. After dad died my mom was working on her will and she asked me if it would be OK for her to leave everything to my sister. Why? Because she NEEDED help and I didn't.
Told mom in no uncertain terms she was free to do as she pleased. But I felt that was wrong. Then I flat told her I had cared for them and as far as I was concerned, I was the one who should get it all. I pointed out she had more money than she arrived with and that was because I supported them. Also told her I resented the fact she showed such favoritism towards my sister. Then I dropped the bomb and told her if that was her decision, my sister could come and get her and do eldercare duty. Mom was shocked that I felt that way. It had never occurred to her that I would feel entitled to the money because of my decade plus of caring for them. She relented and went with a 50/50 split.
But mom still got the last laugh. She made my evil sister the executrix of her will and she cheated me out of part of my share. And I had to get an attorney to collect from her.
Story 2
This is a friend. The family owned a huge sugar beet farm in ND. When kids 1 through 4 arrived, they were poor. The kids worked hard on the farm and did odd jobs in town to bring in money for the family. They had a hard life but they worked hard, paid their own way through school and all turned out OK. Then kid number 5 arrived, a late in life bonus baby. They were wealthy then, had plenty of money and the beet operation was worth millions. The bonus baby had everything he could want. Every toy imaginable. And he never went to school and never left the farm.
Mom and dad got older, started thinking about retirement and wills. The dad's big thing was he didn't want the farm to be split up. Somehow he couldn't see beyond that issue. He left the farm, worth millions to the youngest kid. The first 4 kids got 50K each. After dad died it was WW3. Of course the bonus baby refused to give the other kids anything. It split up the whole family and almost 20 years later most of them are not even on speaking terms with their siblings. The bonus baby is a multimillionaire and the others are just OK.
Have always wondered if dad would have done it differently if he had known what was going to happen. But honestly he should have known at the time!
Favoritism by a parent, whether before or after death, ruins sibling relationships. This I know from personal experience. Just another reason we will be 100% equitable with our kids.
Can the executor named in a will decline? I’m estranged from my mother and brother (long story), but worry she hasn’t changed her will which had me as executor. No way do I want that job since it would include interacting with and getting verbally abused by my brother. If I can refuse, I will. I’ll also refuse anything she may leave me. She didn’t ever give me what I needed in life (a mom who gave a rats), so I don’t want a thing from her in death. Hope there’s a way to avoid the whole thing. It’s healthier for me that way.
Yes, you can decline, and then what usually happens is that the court appoints an attorney as the executor and the estate will be billed.
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What if you give the greater share to one of the kids and the other also suffers one of these things after you’re gone? I’d rather not try and play the “who needs it most” game knowing that things can happen.
i hear you but if you see an immediate need vs a potential need; i dont think its unreasonable to act on something that you know is an immediate need. if someone sees their child is definitely suffering now; i wont fault them for trying to alleviate the suffering.
its a complicated problem and i also would never want my children to feel they are being treated unfairly. but you also have to understand your parents wishes and respect that it may make more sense for the money to go somewhere else. as the child, i would understand and respect the decision.
Or one of the siblings has worked long and secretly through psychological manipulation to convince the parent that s/he should be appointed executor of the estate, because the other adult children are naive about investments and cannot be trusted with large sums of money.
So what? The parents' will directs the executor's actions. This is what the probate process is all about. If someone can prove that the executor didn't carry out the will's directives, suppressed specific parts of it or mismanaged any of the assets, not a very bright future.
To me, the problem is when parents leave money unequally to their children. To them, this says you love one kid more than the other.
Or it may be a case of "This says that one child was always there for us, always willing to help, responsible, respectful, (fill in the blank) and the other child never called, never visited, never gave us the time of day, was irresponsible, disrespectful, had substance abuse issues (fill in the blank)."
So what? The parents' will directs the executor's actions. This is what the probate process is all about. If someone can prove that the executor didn't carry out the will's directives, suppressed specific parts of it or mismanaged any of the assets, not a very bright future.
its probably not a fun process to have to challenge the actions of the executor. i believe my mother had put my older brother in that role (simply for being the oldest) but subsequently changed it to me. better to have someone who everyone trusts to follow the parent's wishes than someone that is going to be challenged by the other siblings.
Maybe the OP should feel thankful they got something, unlike Sting's kids who will be getting very little or even nothing of his $200M+ fortune.
"If it had all been handed to me on a plate, I'm not sure I would appreciate it or have survived." - Sting
Another way of looking at this is where will the money do the most good.
Also, Sting is as radical an activist "musician" that there is. His opinion doesn't mean much to me.
And who cares if his kids only get $20 million (instead of $200 million). Compare that to some poor kid getting $20K versus $200K.
$200K instead of $20K can make a huge difference; receiving $20 million instead of $200 million is a different story altogether. Either way, in the latter case you're going to be able to sit on your keister for the rest of your life.
OK but I really don't think it's THAT complicated. If you're worried enough about it, you can check it out and hold her accountable. What I discourage you from doing is NOT checking it out, NOT holding her accountable and then feeling like you have somehow been bamboozled. The information is out there, pretty readily available, so before you get overly worried, or start accusing her of anything (not saying you would but some people might), do your due diligence.
I hear you. And I am going to be doing that.
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