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Old 08-31-2011, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,206 posts, read 2,094,934 times
Reputation: 1529

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Quote:
Originally Posted by StarlaJane View Post
I imagine that the comments were directed at some very unruly behavior; the first couple of weeks of school, the kids are still acting as if it's summer break.

Moreover, from your comments, this actually seems to be a pattern with your daughter rather than her teachers. This is now the second teacher of your daughter's who, according to your daughter, is making inappropriate comments.

It is always important to listen to our children and validate their feelings but there is also a point at which children will learn to victimize themselves b/c it ellicits a sympathetic response from a parent rather than a modification in their (mis)behavior. She is portraying herself and her classmates as hapless victims who were unjustly and inappropriately criticized for their behavior.

I would sit down with your daughter and try to find out just exactly what was going on in the classroom when the comments occurred. I also wouldn't validate a victim mentality. Rather, I would point out that, while the teacher's comments were undesirable, they were [probably] made in response and directed towards misbehavior in the classroom. Obviously, the teacher means to shame the children for misbehaving, which the children will not like; they want to continue misbehaving and they certainly don't want to feel guilty about giving the teacher a headache. However, at some point kids also have to learn that their actions have consequences for other people, not just that bad behavior results in a punishment. I actually think that this could be a really good learning situation for your daughter.

While the teacher's comments are unfortunate and perhaps inappropriate, the situation is much more complex: there is more going on here. You and other parents really need to be careful of being manipulated by your kids re: a good teacher that the kids just don't like b/c he/she is stricter than they care for; you will end up with a teacher who probably does not discipline as much and who is very popular with the kids b/c he/she lets them get away with a lot more, which may not be in the kids' best interest.

I would contact other parents as well to get a clearer picture of the situation and their impressions, bearing in mind that most parents will instinctively defend their children, no matter what. I would also contact the teacher re: the situation rather than going over her head to the principal: something supportive and sensitive, like, "I imagine that you've had your hands full since school has begun," then see what she says. You will probably hear a completely different side of the story that explains why she made the comments.
My daughter was not the only child in the class with the first teacher that was having problems. I spoke with other parents and they too were having issue with how this teacher was treating and speaking to the kids. So it's not just MY daughter. I am careful to find out exactly what was going on and what was happening to cause the teacher to say such things and true, my daughter has said that the kids talk out of turn a lot and the teacher is having a hard time controlling them. I have also let my daughter know that under no circumstances is she to be acting out in class, she is very clear as to our expectations.

I get that teachers get irritated, we all do, but when you are in charge of the education and motivation of these children I think it's is inappropriate to make such comments out loud. What you say at home is your own business, but how are these kids supposed to be excited about going to school when she is telling them she doesn't even want to be there?
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:31 PM
 
2,612 posts, read 4,588,692 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauramc27 View Post
My 9 year old daughter came home today and while doing her homework said that her teacher said they other day, "I go home everyday with a headache because of you kids" She also told me her teacher said, "Sometimes I wake up in the morning and don't want to come to work", what would you do? School has only been is session for 3 weeks and she is already complaining This teacher is new to this particular school this year, but not to the district and we to are new to the area. We just moved here in June from Oregon so I don't want to become known as the parent that complains, but I think these comments are innapropriate for the teacher to be saying.

I hope this is the right area, I will also post it in the parenting forum.

Thanks for your input

I don't think the comments are that bad. Maybe she doesn't sound like the most caring, nurturing teacher, but I don't think those comments are going to scar anyone for life. I'm pretty sure a lot of teachers say things like that. There are worse things they could do. I used to be a teacher, and while I never said that to students, I heard that and much worse.
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Old 08-31-2011, 02:50 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 4,639,998 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauramc27 View Post
I never called this teacher unqualified, I called her unprofessional, never said she should be fired either. I understand people get irritated, but come on, it's only been 3 weeks since school started. If she is already having such bad days she doesn't want to go to work what is her mood going to be like in another 5 months? I'm not passing judgment on her either, I simply wanted to know what other people would do/say in this situation.

This is not the first time we have had to deal with a teacher saying inappropriate things, we had to have our daughter switch teachers last year because her teacher did not know how to sensor herself. It got so bad my daughter didn't want to go to school anymore and would call herself stupid if she didn't understand something. I do not want this happening again this year, so I am concerned.
After hearing that your daughter had an issue last year as well, you should also consider that two other influences may be in play:

1. You are extra sensitive to issues between your daughter and the teacher. Just like anyone who has had a bad experience with anything, you now have heightened sensitivity--this can sometimes lead to overreaction to even the tiniest things that most wouldn't blink at.

2. Your daughter has had the experience that reporting negative things about her teacher gets mom's full undivided attention. That attention for being a victim factor can be huge with girls this age. In addition to her reactions being heightened, there may be an aspect of wanting attention and concern from you. This behavior may feed upon itself if you encourage it.

This is not to say those statements were the best, but until you've been in the classroom, you really don't know how or why they were said. In truth, sometimes we all say something, then think better of it later. I'm sure you've had that experience as a mom also. You simply made a different choice the next time. It wasn't necessarily bad enough that CPS needed to be called, and your daughter put into foster care just because you said the wrong thing. We all misspeak at times and having 25 kids in a room is much more stressful and tiring than just one on one. Bear in mind that it's very early in the year. If there is a true problem, you should bring it up. However, to ruin the relationship with this teacher (and potentially with others at the school because be guaranteed that word will spread) by making a stink over a sentence or two reported back by a nine-year-old seems hasty.
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Massachusetts
4,033 posts, read 8,249,926 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauramc27 View Post
My daughter was not the only child in the class with the first teacher that was having problems. I spoke with other parents and they too were having issue with how this teacher was treating and speaking to the kids. So it's not just MY daughter. I am careful to find out exactly what was going on and what was happening to cause the teacher to say such things and true, my daughter has said that the kids talk out of turn a lot and the teacher is having a hard time controlling them. I have also let my daughter know that under no circumstances is she to be acting out in class, she is very clear as to our expectations.

I get that teachers get irritated, we all do, but when you are in charge of the education and motivation of these children I think it's is inappropriate to make such comments out loud. What you say at home is your own business, but how are these kids supposed to be excited about going to school when she is telling them she doesn't even want to be there?
While I am sure that your daughter was not the only child in the previous situation, you also don't want to start a pattern. I think that h886 said it best, so I will defer to that post rather than restate it.

And it sounds like you have found out that the comments were not completely out-of-line and that this teacher is simply exasperated. Students are usually really tough on new teachers, especially in the beginning of the semester, so just bear that in mind.

I will reiterate that I don't think that the comments were totally appropriate. However, I am also privileged to know exactly what teachers go through. I think it's fair to say that the comments were unfortunate but not so inappropriate as to demand disciplinary action or attention from the principal, which would only exacerbate the teacher's problems with the transition and getting control of her class. If you empower the students, you will make the problem worse.

I would try to help the teacher transition as much as possible and give her your full support. You've obviously already done this wrt your daughter. If possible, I would speak to other parents whose children are in the class and tell them what is going on with the goal of nipping this behavior in the bud and making things a bit easier on the new teacher. The best antidote to problems such as these are parental involvement and support of the teacher rather than vice-versa.

If things still haven't improved after six months of consistent support from the parents, then I would take my concern to the principal. But I think that if the parents support the teacher, this story will have a much happier outcome.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:27 PM
 
2,920 posts, read 2,907,695 times
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I tell my students that they should leave my class with a headache every day or they aren't working hard enough--learning is hard work and they should be stretching their brains.

Maybe the teacher is just having to learn how to teach at that school!

(I wouldn't advise your daughter to tell her that though!)
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,656,439 times
Reputation: 19409
Quote:
Originally Posted by lauramc27 View Post
My daughter was not the only child in the class with the first teacher that was having problems. I spoke with other parents and they too were having issue with how this teacher was treating and speaking to the kids. So it's not just MY daughter. I am careful to find out exactly what was going on and what was happening to cause the teacher to say such things and true, my daughter has said that the kids talk out of turn a lot and the teacher is having a hard time controlling them. I have also let my daughter know that under no circumstances is she to be acting out in class, she is very clear as to our expectations.

I get that teachers get irritated, we all do, but when you are in charge of the education and motivation of these children I think it's is inappropriate to make such comments out loud. What you say at home is your own business, but how are these kids supposed to be excited about going to school when she is telling them she doesn't even want to be there?
Of course you heard those things from other parents, who heard those things from their children. Parents have a tendency to want to protect their children and believe everything they say. Unfortunately, until you've walked in a teacher's shoes, it's nearly impossible to understand the pressure they are under, each and every day.
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Arizona
1,206 posts, read 2,094,934 times
Reputation: 1529
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Of course you heard those things from other parents, who heard those things from their children. Parents have a tendency to want to protect their children and believe everything they say. Unfortunately, until you've walked in a teacher's shoes, it's nearly impossible to understand the pressure they are under, each and every day.
So being under pressure is supposed to excuse unprofessional, sarcastic, demeaning, rude comments? And all parents need to not believe their children. Ok.
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:41 AM
 
8,240 posts, read 14,899,006 times
Reputation: 3651
I would mention it to her with some concern for her health. A headache everyday is a sign of something wrong.
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,656,439 times
Reputation: 19409
Quote:
Originally Posted by lauramc27 View Post
So being under pressure is supposed to excuse unprofessional, sarcastic, demeaning, rude comments? And all parents need to not believe their children. Ok.
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want to be tolerated or forgiven for YOUR imperfections and mistakes, you will forgive others for theirs.

Being under pressure has the ability to cause lapses in judgement. Forgiveness and EMPATHY can make a huge difference in the world we live in. Clearly, you only came here for a validation of your feelings, you don't really care to make the situation better for everyone....only yourself.
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Arizona
1,206 posts, read 2,094,934 times
Reputation: 1529
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want to be tolerated or forgiven for YOUR imperfections and mistakes, you will forgive others for theirs.

Being under pressure has the ability to cause lapses in judgement. Forgiveness and EMPATHY can make a huge difference in the world we live in. Clearly, you only came here for a validation of your feelings, you don't really care to make the situation better for everyone....only yourself.
Not so. However, when I asked what would you do, I did not expect people to come on here and tell me my daughter is a whiner, complainer and I am teaching her to be this way. I do not have a chip on my shoulder, but when a simple question is asked then people start attacking you peronnally saying you are teaching your daughter to be unforgiving of other peoples faults I have a problem with that.
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