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In our area we have a very competitive magnet school which is 70% Asian. I work with a group of Asian parents who happen to have kids at the school (or are busy prepping their kids for the entrance exam). I can tell you that the parents of these students keep very close tabs on schoolwork and spend a lot of time helping their kids and making sure their kids do everything they are supposed to and then some. They also use a lot of tutoring services. So the lesson I take from this, is that if you want your child to be academically successful in middle and high school, then the best way is to stay on top of everything and make sure they do what they are supposed to. If that breeds irresponsible kids, then our top high schools and colleges are full of irresponsible people who will never succeed on their own, and a lot of the kids with mediocre grades are way more responsible than their more successful counterparts.
I know there are kids who will do these things without any help and without being forced, but that would be the minority. I'm not suggesting being a tiger mom or that this is the best course of action overall, just that it is how the majority of successful students today are raised. And people who insist you should let them fail are also insisting that you allow them simply not to be great students in general, and that should they be wildly successful without your help, they will be in the minority.
I grew up in Asia, my daughter is a quarter Asian, and all my siblings are half, we are part of the asian community here and I also teach gifted students at a science and engineering school. The above portrayal of the "tiger mom" stereotype has not been my experience at all, except for a subset similar in size to the one of other race parents. First generation Asian parents may have much higher expectations for their children's academics but very few of them helicopter, in fact I'm over ten years of teaching I have never had an Asian parent helicopter any of my students. Students are responsible from a young age for their own successes and they are absolutely allowed to fail as work ethic is much more valued in the Asian community, with little emphasis given to so called "natural talent".
I grew up in Asia, my daughter is a quarter Asian, and all my siblings are half, we are part of the asian community here and I also teach gifted students at a science and engineering school. The above portrayal of the "tiger mom" stereotype has not been my experience at all, except for a subset similar in size to the one of other race parents. First generation Asian parents may have much higher expectations for their children's academics but very few of them helicopter, in fact I'm over ten years of teaching I have never had an Asian parent helicopter any of my students. Students are responsible from a young age for their own successes and they are absolutely allowed to fail as work ethic is much more valued in the Asian community, with little emphasis given to so called "natural talent".
I agree. To "tiger mom" is definitely not the same as to "helicopter". It is a completely different style of parental involvement.
Helicopter parents, when informed that their child got a bad grade, call the teacher to discuss what they can do to change the grade, see if there's any extra credit available, and may even do the extra credit for their child. They then tell their child that the reason they got a bad grade is because they have a bad teacher who didn't teach them well enough.
Tiger parents know their child is getting a bad grade waaay before the grades actually come out. The child has already been grounded until the end of the semester and is now doing their homework, work assigned by their mother, and Kumon tutoring work every night which will continue until the grade is raised. If the bad grade actually gets posted, the tiger mom goes to the teacher and apologizes, then goes home and assigns the child more workbook pages. They then tell their child that the reason they got a bad grade is because they didn't work hard enough. Then they assign a few more workbook pages and make some flash cards.
I agree. To "tiger mom" is definitely not the same as to "helicopter". It is a completely different style of parental involvement.
Helicopter parents, when informed that their child got a bad grade, call the teacher to discuss what they can do to change the grade, see if there's any extra credit available, and may even do the extra credit for their child. They then tell their child that the reason they got a bad grade is because they have a bad teacher who didn't teach them well enough.
Tiger parents know their child is getting a bad grade waaay before the grades actually come out. The child has already been grounded until the end of the semester and is now doing their homework, work assigned by their mother, and Kumon tutoring work every night which will continue until the grade is raised. If the bad grade actually gets posted, the tiger mom goes to the teacher and apologizes, then goes home and assigns the child more workbook pages. They then tell their child that the reason they got a bad grade is because they didn't work hard enough. Then they assign a few more workbook pages and make some flash cards.
OMG - you have totally, totally nailed it. One is about teaching a child they are owed success, the other is about teaching the child they can and will earn success.
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OMG - you have totally, totally nailed it. One is about teaching a child they are owed success, the other is about teaching the child they can and will earn success.
I agree. To "tiger mom" is definitely not the same as to "helicopter". It is a completely different style of parental involvement.
Helicopter parents, when informed that their child got a bad grade, call the teacher to discuss what they can do to change the grade, see if there's any extra credit available, and may even do the extra credit for their child. They then tell their child that the reason they got a bad grade is because they have a bad teacher who didn't teach them well enough.
Tiger parents know their child is getting a bad grade waaay before the grades actually come out. The child has already been grounded until the end of the semester and is now doing their homework, work assigned by their mother, and Kumon tutoring work every night which will continue until the grade is raised. If the bad grade actually gets posted, the tiger mom goes to the teacher and apologizes, then goes home and assigns the child more workbook pages. They then tell their child that the reason they got a bad grade is because they didn't work hard enough. Then they assign a few more workbook pages and make some flash cards.
Spot on!
I'll add: Tiger parents may never even contact the teacher or school, whereas helicopter parents invent a new issue every other week that "needs to be addressed immediately" by the teacher or administration.
I still don't understand why so many teachers complain that parents aren't involved enough in their kids education? What do they mean by that?
As I have already asked: what is the cut-off grade for that complaining/sentiment?
Or is this complaint/sentiment only coming from teachers who teach in inner-city districts where you can't get blood from a stone? So the mantra of "parents aren't involved enough" is just a way to excuse the poor performance of their students?
However, it is good to know parents who are involved in their kids' education, who do care about their grades, don't want to see them fail if you, as a parent who has "been there done that" & can do something to help them NOT fail a class (no sleepover this weekend for YOU) is now considered some whacked out "Tiger Mom" form of parenting. /eyeroll
My parents stopped helping me towards the end of the first grade. I survived
Quote:
Originally Posted by Informed Info
I'm asking this question because I am still on top of my HS'er and my 8th grader. I know when they have quizzes/tests/papers due thanks to the school's website. I have a parent account and I get to see everything that is going on. So does every other parent who sends their kid to this school.
This weekend, thanks to Halloween, I had a bunch of 14 year olds in my house.
So I asked the kids (they have been together for years at this school) what they thought of 8th grade so far.
General consensus: Hard.
One child pulled out an ancient flip phone and told me, "I'm not doing so good this year so this is my new phone". Parents took away his smart phone. The horror! But he still has his x-box, his iPad, etc. to distract him.
Later on that evening I had to drive a few kids home. On the way I asked them (they also said they did horribly on the science test, had been punished, etc.) how they study and if mom & dad were on their rear-ends as much as I was on my 8th grader's.
Crickets….until one piped up and said, "My parents want me to be responsible, you help (my son) him study? You know when he has a test? What do you make him do?" Then turned to my kid and said, "dude, you need to share".
But in the past I have been told that I'm too involved and need to let my kids fall flat on their faces on their own.
Why? I'm here to teach them how to study, to help them study, to make sure they are doing what they need to do to be successful in school and beyond. No one else is going to teach them that - not every kid is born with the innate skill set or drive to do so on their own. "Time management" speeches go in one ear and right out the other more often than they don't… you have to set an example at home.
Until they "get it"? Like my HS Jr. did in his Frosh year? I'm going to be on their rear-ends.
I don't understand why this is a "bad" thing and so many parents drop the ball during the grades/ages where children are going through a heck of a lot physically/mentally.
Why is it ok to work with your 3rd grader and stay on top of him/her, but not your 8th grader who hasn't "gotten it" quite yet? Why draw a line in the sand and toss your hands up in the air if your kid still needs you to stay on top of him/her when the "you're on your own, you should "get it by now"... isn't working FOR the child?
I'm sorry if this didn't make much sense.
I go back and forth between wondering if I'm helping my children or hurting them.
My plan is to tell them that from the beginning. My parents never got involved in my schoolwork, checking homework or anything like that. The only times they got involved in my education was to have my back if there was an issue that wasn't my fault (for instance after moving schools being placed in the lowest stream when I should have been in the top stream due to a lack of communication between schools), they always had my back but doing well at school was up to me.
My plan is to tell them that from the beginning. My parents never got involved in my schoolwork, checking homework or anything like that. The only times they got involved in my education was to have my back if there was an issue that wasn't my fault (for instance after moving schools being placed in the lowest stream when I should have been in the top stream due to a lack of communication between schools), they always had my back but doing well at school was up to me.
Parents who go by the mantra "at their age I wasn't having X and Y so neither should they" will just manage to ensure a crappy life for their children.
At the end of the day, every parent is free to give as much or as little support as they wish, beyond absolute basics.
The questions is do they really want a crappy life for their children?
If they can convince themselves in all honesty that kids will be just alright...so they can sleep well at night, then I guess they are OK. The parents - not the children.
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