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Old 05-21-2009, 04:04 PM
 
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Hi,
I have a son who is the youngest in his class. By age he qualifies to be in 2nd grade, but is in the 3rd grade, since he transferred to the Public school system after being in an accelerated-age-blended private school.

At first, everthing seemed to be okay. Then we saw signs of him not being emotionally and socially mature to be in a class with kids 3-14 months older than him. We observered it for a year and now the 2nd year. His academic perfomance however is above average. He met and almost exceeded expectations for the 3rd grade State testing.
But, we now feel convinced that we need to hold him back for social/emotional needs) He is not ready and be in the company of much older boys. I'd rather he be one of the older boys in his class, knowing his personality and maturity level (prone to bullying, timid, smaller physique). Also, he responds better and acts more mature and responsible with kids his age or younger.

We approached the principle and he refuses to hold him back. I am now going to talk to his director.

Any thoughts on the situation or what I should do are appreciated!!

-KMAA
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Old 05-21-2009, 04:22 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
571 posts, read 1,298,871 times
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If he is already meeting and excelling at academic requirements, it will be hard to make an argument to hold him back. After all, he has already demonstrated understanding/mastery of grade level material. If he repeats the grade, he will just repeat the same concepts all over again. I think keeping him academically challenged will be better than to risk him becoming academically bored or frustrated. I do understand about your social/emotional concerns, though. Assuming this is a traditional school calendar (not year round) could you spend the summer really trying to work with him on these issues? Perhaps enlist the help of some expert(s)?

Another thought I just had was that holding him back may open him to more teasing and bullying.

Good luck and please let us know what you decide!
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Old 05-22-2009, 07:12 AM
 
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I agree that holding him back is probably not the right answer. It sounds like the age-blended school was a good fit for someone that is perhaps gifted - could he go back?

Have you thought of working on the social angle by getting him involved in some team or group activities like cub scouts or a sport?
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Old 05-22-2009, 09:55 AM
 
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I totally understand what you're going through. I'm in a similar situation. My son turned 8 the end of October and in 3rd grade. He's suppose to go to 4th grade next year but we're moving and the new school district has a Sept 1 cutoff. So basically, he would be 8 in 4th grade while the kids in the new school are 9 and 10.

I intend to have him repeat 3rd. I think the age difference is too big. To me, I don't consider this the typcial retention or redshirting. I'm simply correcting for his age. He's too young to be in 4th, not because of his academics, but because the age of the other children is not actually his cohort. He would not have been in that grade if he had started out at that school district. Many people minimize the affects of age, but it's real. He's got many years of schooling left and I think it's unfair to push him into a social situation he doesn't belong in.

The risk is some boredome, but if your child meets/exceeds grade level expectations, similar to mine, he's already a bit bored.You have to remember that if this is a typical school, much of the time is spent on other things that I think being around kids his own age becomes more important:school bus, lunch, gym, art, music, computer lab, library. I don't have a problem with my child repeating a bit of science and social studies as both of those subjects go to his short term memory. For example, I'm sure he's forgotten much of what he's learned about different cloud formations, details of planets and parts of bugs and plants, that a bit of repeating may do him some good. Math and Language arts are the only 2 subjects I feel is vital the child gets continued "challeng" in. To me, both those need to be supplemented at home regardless of which grade he's in.

I don't think the solution is to "work with him" on his social and emotional issues if it's related to age. Maybe he's perfectly socially appropriate for his age. This is not a defect in your child. He's just not as old as the other children and this won't change. His age won't "catch up" to his peers. Every year will be similar issues(not as mature) because he's just not old enough. If you're already feeling it now, wait til he gets older. The kids get meaner and the differences will feel greater.

Now, on the flip side I do think it's difficult for a child to be retained at the same school. Because he ends up with almost the exact curriculum(maybe even the same teacher), the boredome may be compounded. His friends/classmates will move on without him. Even if he wasn't that close to them, they're still around the building and seeing them may constantly remind him that he got left back. That to me seems like a bigger negative than trying to catch him up emotionally and accepting that he's always going to be the youngest/less mature. Depends on how off your child is feeling in the current grade.

For me, if we were to stay in the current school, I would not consider retaining him because he is actually age appropriate for his grade. But because so many kids are held back, he's the youngest every year. I see that he's very impressionable, always looking up to the older, more loud and seemingly comfident kids. He's usually academically sharper than them, but he tends to take what they say as truth, less confident in his own judgment/knowledge.

Now that we are moving, it gives us a second chance to consider holding him back. Because of the earlier cutoff date it makes for an easier decision. I would not have skipped him a grade in school(he's no genious), so why would I put him in a class where that's how he would feel. Incidentally, the school psychologist saw no reason in having our son repeat 3rd if he successfully finished 3rd already, but she doesn't even know who my child is. She only has the report card. Kind of ironic that she only looked at academics. I thought of all people, the psychologist would understand emotional/social development.

Is it possible to change schools so at least the environment is different if you were to hold him back? This way, he's not around the same kids that will move on to 4th. Could he go back to his old school? I think age blended is the most appropriate. I would love that for my children.

It's a tough decision and it should be yours, but if the principal say's no, then I'm not sure how much you can push it. I suppose you can, but the same grade at the same school seems kind of not good. It's your decision though, so push if you have to. I would consider at least a school change though. Good luck.
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Kirkwood, DE and beautiful SXM!
12,054 posts, read 23,237,606 times
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I would not hold him back since he is achieving academically. Since bullying could be a problem, I would get him involved in martial arts and other activities that will build strength, character, and keep up his self esteem. He will also be around older students and will develop maturity and friendship through them. If he is academically bored in school, you will have behavior problems that you do not want and that could end up on his permanent record. What does your son say about this situation?
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Old 05-22-2009, 11:09 AM
pll
 
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We are retaining our 8 year old daughter this year. She has a June birthday which makes her one of younger students in her 3rd grade class. She always seemed a little behind her classmates in the past. I feel bad I didn't retain her when I knew she was missing milestones in preschool. She has a slight learning disabiltiy (CAPD) which she is getting help for. We plan on changing schools which is heartbreaking as she has many friends. I think it would be very difficult to see her peers that moved onto 4th. We are taking it one step further and having her go to a different middle and high school as well. I think the adolesent years would be more difficult for the retained children to be around former classmates and would make her a target for bullying.
I was retained in 3rd grade and it would have been more embarrasing and difficult to be around my former classmates. I am thankful that we were able to move to a different city and the subject never came up unless I volunteered it.
After raising 2 teens I am very much in favor of being a older student if given the opportunity.An older student is more mature physically, first to drive and get a job. Also, they may have more confidence to say no to peer pressure.
The only downside for me was by 12th grade I was more then ready to graduate. It's becoming more popular for high school students to graduate a semester with the help of night school and summer school. That may have been an option for me and will be for my daughter if necessary.

The experts today are very much against retention. If done right it can be very successful for your child.
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Old 05-22-2009, 12:09 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
571 posts, read 1,298,871 times
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I agree that age related issues are perfectly socially appropriate. I hope that the OP does not think I was trying to imply that there is something wrong with this child.

My concern is the type of situations mentioned, especially "prone to bullying." I think that the bullies are always going to be there, regardless of age or grade. By keeping this child back, you would be giving the bullies more power. And, your child being the same age as the bullies will not make them any nicer.

As a child, I was bullied all the time. If I found out that my parents made me repeat a year of that, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive them. Looking back, I wish that I had an adult who could have helped me build my self-confidence and stand up to or ignore my bullies, rather than be intimidated. That's all I meant by "working on issues."
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:55 PM
 
10 posts, read 22,519 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeyore1 View Post
I agree that age related issues are perfectly socially appropriate. I hope that the OP does not think I was trying to imply that there is something wrong with this child.

My concern is the type of situations mentioned, especially "prone to bullying." I think that the bullies are always going to be there, regardless of age or grade. By keeping this child back, you would be giving the bullies more power. And, your child being the same age as the bullies will not make them any nicer.

As a child, I was bullied all the time. If I found out that my parents made me repeat a year of that, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive them. Looking back, I wish that I had an adult who could have helped me build my self-confidence and stand up to or ignore my bullies, rather than be intimidated. That's all I meant by "working on issues."
kmaa:
I agree that there will be bullies regardles of age/grade, but as pII rightly said, 'An older student is more mature physically and mentally first to drive and get a job. Also, they may have more confidence to say no to peer pressure and to resist bullies.
-kmaa
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:58 PM
 
10 posts, read 22,519 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by pll View Post
We are retaining our 8 year old daughter this year. She has a June birthday which makes her one of younger students in her 3rd grade class. She always seemed a little behind her classmates in the past. I feel bad I didn't retain her when I knew she was missing milestones in preschool. She has a slight learning disabiltiy (CAPD) which she is getting help for. We plan on changing schools which is heartbreaking as she has many friends. I think it would be very difficult to see her peers that moved onto 4th. We are taking it one step further and having her go to a different middle and high school as well. I think the adolesent years would be more difficult for the retained children to be around former classmates and would make her a target for bullying.
I was retained in 3rd grade and it would have been more embarrasing and difficult to be around my former classmates. I am thankful that we were able to move to a different city and the subject never came up unless I volunteered it.
After raising 2 teens I am very much in favor of being a older student if given the opportunity.An older student is more mature physically, first to drive and get a job. Also, they may have more confidence to say no to peer pressure.
The only downside for me was by 12th grade I was more then ready to graduate. It's becoming more popular for high school students to graduate a semester with the help of night school and summer school. That may have been an option for me and will be for my daughter if necessary.

The experts today are very much against retention. If done right it can be very successful for your child.
I totally agree that older kids can handle themselves in various situations better - especially when the kids around them are younger or same age. Also, very true about rentention done right can be helpful than harmful
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Old 05-22-2009, 03:00 PM
pll
 
1,112 posts, read 2,475,770 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeyore1 View Post
I agree that age related issues are perfectly socially appropriate. I hope that the OP does not think I was trying to imply that there is something wrong with this child.

My concern is the type of situations mentioned, especially "prone to bullying." I think that the bullies are always going to be there, regardless of age or grade. By keeping this child back, you would be giving the bullies more power. And, your child being the same age as the bullies will not make them any nicer.

As a child, I was bullied all the time. If I found out that my parents made me repeat a year of that, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive them. Looking back, I wish that I had an adult who could have helped me build my self-confidence and stand up to or ignore my bullies, rather than be intimidated. That's all I meant by "working on issues."
Great point.

That's why I would suggest retention in a different school if you want him to be an older student. Kids don't forget the kids that were held back (my older kids remember most of they kids that were retained) and you don't want to set a child up for potential problems in the future.
I don't neccessarily think the kids will be mean to him because he retook 3rd grade, but they may. Also, how will he feel about himself when sees them around campus and knows they were promoted and he wasn't. This is why I agree with some of the negative stats with retention.The experts biggest criticsm is how it will affect the child socially. My daughter's biggest struggle is seeing her friends and knowing they will be going into 4th and she won't.

My 17 year was severly bullied by a group of girls. Her grades dropped signicantly and she had many tardies in her first period class. Later she told me it was because she didn't want to go to school. We didn't have a big intervention as the experts suggest and she thought the girls would get meaner if we had. There were too many girls involved at that time plus Cyber bulling is very big now too. So, she decided to change schools her sophmore year. It was her decision and she contacted the principal of the new school and took the initiative. We are happy she did. Her grades are mostly A's and she's much happier now. Sometimes a parent needs to follow their childs lead. Listen and respect their concerns and think out side of the box.
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