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Two guys come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. One of them says, "Im feeling sort of frisky," then proceeds to have his way with the animal. When he is finished, he turns to his friend and says, " Do you want to take a turn?"
"Sure!" The friend replies.
The horny pal then unbuckles his pants and sticks his head in the fence and says, "ok, I'm ready!"
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Damn, 'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed!"
I see most of the posters here are from the south...thought you might like a northern joke...
Seems Olie's Dad and Grandpa were both able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays. Each of them had walked across the lake to the bar for their first legal drink.
So, Olie gets his buddy to run him out to the middle of the lake in his boat. Olie steps out from the bow... and just about drowns. His buddy pulls him in and takes him home.
"I don't understand, Ma," he says. "Dad and Grandpa did it, why can't I?"
"Ya fool," says Ma. "You were born in July. Yer Dad and Grandpa were born in January!"
Well, the time comes and Osama Bin Laden finally dies. He goes to heaven full expecting Allah to provide him with 72 virgins, as promised.
He is met at the gate by George Washington, who kicks him squarely in the juevos.
Next he meets Thomas Jefferson, who hits him with a mean left hook.
There is a whole line of them! Ben Franklin, Thomas Paine, James Madison, and more still! Finally Bin Laden gets through the line and up to Allah's throne. He is thoroughly beaten.
"I don't understand, my Lord," he says. "I thought I would recieve my 72 virgins, as you promised."
"I think you misunderstood." Says Allah. "I said 72 Virginians."
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was
a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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