Comedy, If one of your New Year's Resolutions was to exercise you need to read this. (muscle, reduce)

[John1960]

Thoughts on exercise.....

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog.....you add one minute to your life ... This enables you at 95 years old... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

11. And, last but not least -- I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
********************************************

[TwiloMike]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
____________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
____________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
____________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single! one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent m e from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

[npumcrisz]

Originally Posted by John1960

Thoughts on exercise.....

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog.....you add one minute to your life ... This enables you at 95 years old... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

11. And, last but not least -- I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
********************************************

/me jog but not see additional life.... lol

this was a good one.

[npumcrisz]

Originally Posted by TwiloMike

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
____________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
____________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
____________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single! one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent m e from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

RFLMAO body ratio 1:1 ... where did you get this.

[TwiloMike]

Originally Posted by npumcrisz

RFLMAO body ratio 1:1 ... where did you get this.

It was in a chain email... like many other good things to laugh with. My favorite is the whale comment.

[rachx90]

LOL ! I really liked them !