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Old 05-25-2013, 11:39 PM
 
Location: Texas
597 posts, read 919,891 times
Reputation: 139

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I have posted about my unrequited love on the relationships board of CD, previously. The moderators, would rather I not bring up the subject of the particular young lady I am interested in, so I will try to be brief.

In short, I can tell you that I have been interested in the same young lady since freshmen year of high school. She has rejected me repeatedly, and despite this I would NEVER Consider anyone else.

I believe that the rejection, may be partially related to the fact that she considers me unattractive physically. My question, today is this; " What steps can a teenage (19) guy, take to improve his appearance"? My hope, is that I can improve my appearance, to the point where she would someday consider me.

Physically, I am at the average height for a guy my age. I am tall, but not as tall as many of the guys I recently graduated with. I would consider myself, slender not skinny.

I also do my best, to exercise and eat right. I have now eliminated all fried food from my diet, as well as red meat. I have done my best to eat more fruits, and vegetables rather than processed food items.

Additionally, I make an effort to ensure that I am properly groomed on a daily bases ( hair cut, shaved, etc.)

What more can I do?

Regardless, of my efforts; this girl gave no notice. We graduated last weekend.

I realize that she considers me very unattractive at this point. I would appreciate suggestions regarding, steps I could take to improve myself. It is my hope that I can change for the better, by the time our first class reunion takes place.

Thank you in advance for any help!

 
Old 05-25-2013, 11:46 PM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,272,211 times
Reputation: 7394
All you really can do is take care of yourself, stay in shape and exercise your body and mind, unless you can get an idea of what this girl is interested and try to play them up to her attention in addition. You are pretty young and it bums me out to say you'll never be interested in anyone else. You don't know that. I was like you once with a guy in high school, liked him for four years, thought he liked me too. When we graduated I was actually devastated that he was out of my life. I truly only liked him even thinking about him for years. Until I found him on Facebook years later and added him. Well nothing came of that, I found out how actually self-absorbed he really is, and it killed my interest in him and I ended up unfriending him.
 
Old 05-26-2013, 12:39 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,646 posts, read 64,111,757 times
Reputation: 68379
You don't know why she finds you unattractive. If you're Latino and she doesn't like Latinos, for example, there's nothing you can do about that. It seems like you're already doing your best.
 
Old 05-26-2013, 02:06 AM
 
Location: USA
16,564 posts, read 16,220,686 times
Reputation: 12523
@Jay:

Did she directly tell you that she isn't attracted to you?

It isn't easy for a person to like the other person romantically. The fact you repeatedly went after her probably annoyed the hell out of her and even if you look like (enter most attractive man here), it wouldn't matter at this point. If a girl rejects you, don't keep asking her out. It's annoying. You can try to be friends and maybe one day SHE will show signs that she now likes you. I would give up and move on, otherwise she may think you are a creepy stalker since it's been four years now.

I personally think your personality isn't what she is looking for and once again, the fact you aren't accepting it annoys her.

---

To answer your question though...

1) You can change the way you dress
2) You can change your hairstyle
3) You can work out to get a six pack and nice arms
4) ...and continue shaving and staying clean
 
Old 05-26-2013, 07:45 AM
 
5,210 posts, read 8,805,870 times
Reputation: 5862
Exercise, eat right, wear clean clothes, shower......really, all common sense stuff.

Beyond that, you can not force another person to like you. And you certainly can not control whether or not a person is attracted to you (anymore than you can control who you are attracted to). If you value this girl's opinion of you, DO NOT weird her out by continuously putting her into the position of "rejecting" you. That's not fun for you and it isn't fun for her.

Back off from the pursuit and focus more on developing YOU and your own talents. Be friendly and respectful to this girl as you would be to anyone - respect the fact that she is not interested right now (and possibly may never be) and DO NOT take it personally. Redirect your energy into bettering yourself in small ways - not for her, but for you. The right girl will come along one day, and she will want to be with you just as badly as you want to be with her .
 
Old 05-26-2013, 07:49 AM
 
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,346 posts, read 80,739,113 times
Reputation: 17410
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay Watson View Post
She has rejected me repeatedly, and despite this I would NEVER Consider anyone else.
Maybe it isn't your appearance she finds unattractive about you. Maybe she is afraid of you. Almost sounds weird, obsessive.
 
Old 05-26-2013, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Texas
597 posts, read 919,891 times
Reputation: 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmw335xi View Post
@Jay:



---

To answer your question though...

1) You can change the way you dress
2) You can change your hairstyle
3) You can work out to get a six pack and nice arms
4) ...and continue shaving and staying clean
Thanks for the reply. I have tired to do all of these with the exception of # 3. I'm a pretty slender guy, so that would take a lot of work.

Thanks for the suggestions!
 
Old 05-26-2013, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Kirkwood, DE and beautiful SXM!
12,054 posts, read 19,640,051 times
Reputation: 31734
Since you seem to be doing everything "right," I would suggest that you get involved in activities that do not involve this young lady. No one knows why someone is attracted to another, but if you make yourself too obvious, it is a turn-off. I haven't read your other posts, but for a 19-year old, go to college, get a job, volunteer, do some coaching if you have that interest, and take a vacation. Sometimes being away from a situation makes things much clearer. If you have guy friends, go to the beach, Disney World, or someplace where young singles go on vacation. Start having fun and put her in a back section of your brain. Be open to new experiences. You might be surprised by what you learn and she may not be all that attractive to you when the fog clears. Or, she might have a change of heart. However, leave her alone! Let her make any moves if she has any interest. You will be better for that. Remember, attractiveness is many times not about looks but confidence, intelligence, and a positive attitude.
 
Old 05-26-2013, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Texas
597 posts, read 919,891 times
Reputation: 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmw335xi View Post
@Jay:

Did she directly tell you that she isn't attracted to you?
She didn't have to say it. Her actions toward me made it obvious.

When I first met her (back in freshmen year), I tried to make conversation with her. Keep in mind, that she knew nothing about me at that point. Yet, she was anything but friendly.

It appears that she was opposed to giving me a chance from the beginning; as her responses to my questions were short, curt, and in a monotone voice.

Therefore, I believe that she considered me very unattractive during our initial encounter; and still does.
 
Old 05-26-2013, 10:42 AM
 
9,649 posts, read 7,629,801 times
Reputation: 17477
Okay, do you really know this young woman, or are you mainly attracted to her physical appearance? What is she interested in? How does she spend her spare time? What are her plans for the future? Did you share any classes with her in high school? Did you spend time in other activities in which she was involved? Do you have any interests in common? How does she get along with others? Who's her best friend? Is she seeing any other guy(s)?

If she had the same personality, but was another guy, would you be friends?

Could it be that you are projecting the characteristics of your ideal girlfriend onto this girl, because she seems to look the part?

I can't say why she seems to be giving you the cold shoulder, but it seems that something about you must be annoying this girl, for her to react as she has. I'd discount her chilliness back in freshman year - but if she's still clearly disinterested or negative towards you, something else is going on.

What is it about her that makes her so attractive to you? Is it the challenge of trying to interest someone who's just not interested, viewing yourself as ever-faithful to the inaccessible young goddess-girl so that you don't have to consider lesser mortals, girls who might be absolutely delighted to have your interest, or something else?

Four years is a long time to hang onto a dream without any encouragement, and I expect your looks, which seem to be perfectly normal and anything but unattractive, have little to do with it.

I know you are very dedicated to the idea of having a romance with this young woman, but here's an idea: get to know other girls Platonically, and make friends with them. No romance - friendship. Good, solid, reality-based friendship, or even light, summer friendship that's fun but not likely to be lifelong (not likely to be heartbreaking, either).

Go places girls hang out, get to know them. No romance, just be brotherly and make friends with them. You'll find out what girls are like, maybe make some good friends, expand your universe a little, all without being "unfaithful" to the idea of having a great relationship with the one who seems so disinterested. No pressure, no goals - just be in the moment and have fun, just like you might with your guy friends.

Go to the pool, the movies, grab a hamburger, ride bikes, go hiking - whatever there is to do that's fun and without expectations beyond the moment. Catch a concert in the park, go to an art fair, go to a play...spend your summer productively and add a little fun to other people's summers as well. Hang out in groups, if that's easier - get some of your guy friends (NOT the ones who kept harrassing the "ideal girl") and ask girls from your school or church to go for a picnic, a swim, to the movies, etc.

The bonus is that you'll be much better acquainted with the girls with whom you hang out. You'll get to know them as real people, not so different in many ways from young men around the same age. Maybe "the one girl" really IS the one girl for you - that doesn't mean that you need to waste your time mooning around miserably hanging onto your loneliness while dreaming of her unattainability. Okay, acknowledge that it hurts, as it clearly does - but get yourself off the computer, out of the house, and do something likely to be fun. It doesn't have to be deep, philosophically significant fun - just fun.

If she is as great a girl as you tell us, she wouldn't want to deny you the experience of other pleasures not connected with herself. She wouldn't want you to miss out, be miserable, etc. So don't be. Don't fall for the dubious trap of thinking you'll never smile again, never have any love or joy or even fun in your life, because she's not interested. Sure, it might be better if she was interested and did appreciate your dedication - but she isn't and she doesn't. But she doesn't want you to waste your life, either, so don't. Take joy in what remains...

You seem remarkably mature in many ways for someone who's just graduated from high school, and you're very articulate and careful with words. I get the impression you may read a lot more than you actually engage in conversation or actual time spent with your age-peers. Try to change that to a better balance this summer.

Last edited by CraigCreek; 05-26-2013 at 12:04 PM..
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