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Old 07-15-2013, 11:07 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,676,345 times
Reputation: 40996

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Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
I am a pretty "typical" guy. I realize just about everyone considers themselves to be the average because people tend to normalize everything to themselves. Still I am confident if an outsider were to do a detailed assessment of me and my lifestyle they would conclude I am an average middle-class American. And I say all this because when you make statements like "the typical man hates seeing his wife get fat" you really are painting with too broad a brush (i.e. define "typical") as well as using absolutes (use of the word "hates.") FWIW, this typical man's wife has gained significant weight since we've been married and I adore her more now than ever before. Sure, I find big girls attractive. But more importantly, I find my wife attractive. I did when we met, I did when she was at her heaviest, and I will if/when she slims down. Believe it or not, some men actually appreciate their wives for more than just her appearance.

It's easy to shape the discussion and hypothetical scenarios however you need to in order to support your point of view. Since you claim to not know many obese people, I question that you are even qualified to speak intelligently on the subject because you are speculating on an unknown. You've admitted this yourself. Furthermore, if you are not close to any such couple, why trouble yourself over it? If a man has a wife who is steadily gaining weight and he doesn't like it, it is his issue to address. He can address it by encouraging lifestyle changes (which are often much harder than they sound) or he can grow to accept it. Neither choice, however, affects you.
Amen!!!

 
Old 07-15-2013, 11:12 AM
 
Location: all over the place (figuratively)
2,630 posts, read 2,113,543 times
Reputation: 1679
Quote:
Yeah right. So why are you only focused on women?
"Because I already know that some men don't mind getting big, for it enables them to intimidate others," and because obviously there's less stigma on weight gain in men (more people of both sexes would become obese if unconcerned with others' opinions).
 
Old 07-15-2013, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Oakland, CA
26,875 posts, read 28,154,657 times
Reputation: 25988
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodheathen View Post
"Because I already know that some men don't mind getting big, for it enables them to intimidate others," and because obviously there's less stigma on weight gain in men (more people of both sexes would become obese if unconcerned with others' opinions).
Oh I understand. So it is only women who gain wight because they are lazy. And only women who lose vale because they are unattractive." And only women who should be shamed for it.


On an autocorrecting iDevice.
 
Old 07-15-2013, 11:52 AM
 
Location: New Hampshire
4,827 posts, read 4,647,268 times
Reputation: 3583
Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
I am a pretty "typical" guy. I realize just about everyone considers themselves to be the average because people tend to normalize everything to themselves. Still I am confident if an outsider were to do a detailed assessment of me and my lifestyle they would conclude I am an average middle-class American. And I say all this because when you make statements like "the typical man hates seeing his wife get fat" you really are painting with too broad a brush (i.e. define "typical") as well as using absolutes (use of the word "hates.") FWIW, this typical man's wife has gained significant weight since we've been married and I adore her more now than ever before. Sure, I find big girls attractive. But more importantly, I find my wife attractive. I did when we met, I did when she was at her heaviest, and I will if/when she slims down. Believe it or not, some men actually appreciate their wives for more than just her appearance.



It's easy to shape the discussion and hypothetical scenarios however you need to in order to support your point of view. Since you claim to not know many obese people, I question that you are even qualified to speak intelligently on the subject because you are speculating on an unknown. You've admitted this yourself. Furthermore, if you are not close to any such couple, why trouble yourself over it? If a man has a wife who is steadily gaining weight and he doesn't like it, it is his issue to address. He can address it by encouraging lifestyle changes (which are often much harder than they sound) or he can grow to accept it. Neither choice, however, affects you.
That's what people don't get. It is not their business. I lost weight because I just got tired of looking at myself and thinking "who the hell have I become?" I didn't recognize my reflection in the mirror. I want to be around long enough to see my daughter grow up too.

I always felt that people were judging me every time they looked at me. That feeling made me so uncomfortable because no matter how perfectly I would blow dry my hair, or how immaculate I kept my makeup and grooming, I could absolutely not hide my figure. I know this is going to sound so wrong but I wished I had some sort of disease naked to the eye instead of being fat. I know it sounds incredibly shallow but that's how awful I felt about how I looked. I got sick of hearing "you have such a pretty face!" or "your eyes are so beautiful!". I'd rather be called ugly. I think the whole " she has such a pretty face" line is just so awful because all it makes you think about is the other part "....but she is too fat!"

It is very hard for me to judge people on their weight because - I - have been the one who was looked upon and I know how it feels. Very few people want to be obese and not have much energy to do things. Very few people would choose obesity over a healthy body. If someone gains a significant amount of weight due to lifestyle it more often than not indicates another problem that it is below the surface. Depression, stress, abuse. You name it. Mine was due to stress and being in a toxic relationship. Having just had a baby, going back to work 2 weeks after a c-section because I didn't have a choice, going to school full-time on top of that. It was not easy. I'd get stressed because of all of the above and stressed because I was gaining weight and in turn I'd eat junk. It was a cycle that I thought would never end.

Then last year after I turned 28 I realized I had to do something about it because I felt ugly and worthless and I do not want my daughter to grow up with a mother who does not love herself; who doesn't take care of herself. Being the sole parent since her father is out of the picture means that I am her main role model and I want to be a good one. I want her to look up to me. That's why I lost so much weight and started looking forward to the future again. And in the process I started seeing someone who adores me and supports me. It's like everything came together and it all makes sense.

I still want to lose about 40 pounds but I am not killing myself over it. I have reached a point where I know what makes me put on weight and what habits are harmful to my health - stress eating etc - so I avoid them. It is much easier said than done but I know I am happier now than I was before and that means a great deal to me.

BTW your wife is stunning!!!
 
Old 07-15-2013, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
18,852 posts, read 12,481,974 times
Reputation: 24300
OK, now, after all these posts, you know that people don't like to be called lazy, or for assumptions to be made about whether they have "given up" or not. You hit a hot button with your first post because it seemed to be written as if you feel you are superior than all those fat people you assume have given up and whom you feel can't be successful or happy.

Here's what a happily married, overweight, old lady thinks: I've seen plenty of unhappy thin people, men and women. I've seen plenty of unhappy overweight people too. Yes, having extra pounds around your middle is not an ego booster. Plenty of us have lifetime issues with weight. But somehow happiness seems to be something that surprises us, not something we find through our outward appearance.

With diet and exercise I still struggle with my weight, and even then I am not really thin. Its been this way for me for my life time. It is the hardest personal burden I bear. I hate it. I never get relief from it.

But you know what? I have basically a happy life. My adult children love me and my DH. We have a pretty OK life right now. I had a career. I was good at what I did. But I always knew that I was being judged on my appearance, as much as my performance.

Is this the stuff you want to know?

You can live your life however you choose. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just as good, just as flawed, just as ordinary as everyone else. And I know I'm smart too. None of us is perfect, in appearance or in personality or morals. We are all humans. Whatever the package, we are all simply humans who want to live with a certain amount of freedom and peace. In a real sense, it doesn't matter if we are obese, or thin, or tall or short. Its the culture that we live in that makes our stress.

And yes, I am well aware of health implications for extreme obesity. I don't recommend people becoming extremely fat. But even if they do, they are still humans with all the same desires and needs of everyone else.
 
Old 07-15-2013, 07:00 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,892,348 times
Reputation: 25110
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodheathen View Post

Re fruit, grapes/raisins aren't much healthier than junk food (both low-fiber, sugary, and easy to binge on), and some fruit juices, especially the unnecessarily sweetened ones, are about as bad as junk food.
The recommended daily intake of fruit is 1.5 cups per day for my kids. We eat whatever fresh fruit is in season, including cucumbers and squash. We don't drink fruit juice, except maybe once or twice a month as a treat. We drink water the rest of the time. My mother told the kids that eating fruit (the fruit in question was cherries, nectarines and a mango) was just as bad for them as eating a box of Little Debbie cakes, which is dumb and confusing to them when we're trying to make a switch to eating healthy.
 
Old 07-15-2013, 07:36 PM
 
1,721 posts, read 1,171,757 times
Reputation: 2832
Fat threads never bother me, I think they should be encouraged. At my fattest I was still extremely fit and had great cardio because I still worked out all the time. I just ate way too much to burn off all those excess calories. There are very few fat/fit people around.

I'm very appreciative I took up the gym because I would probably be dead right now or on all sorts of pills for either diabetes,cholesterol, or some other weight related health issue.

Everytime I see a younger obese person I think boy, wait till you reach your 50's or 60's(if you are lucky), your walking will only get worse. You probably will have to use a scooter if you don't lose it now.
 
Old 07-15-2013, 08:00 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,225 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60110
Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
That's what people don't get. It is not their business. I lost weight because I just got tired of looking at myself and thinking "who the hell have I become?" I didn't recognize my reflection in the mirror. I want to be around long enough to see my daughter grow up too.

I always felt that people were judging me every time they looked at me. That feeling made me so uncomfortable because no matter how perfectly I would blow dry my hair, or how immaculate I kept my makeup and grooming, I could absolutely not hide my figure. I know this is going to sound so wrong but I wished I had some sort of disease naked to the eye instead of being fat. I know it sounds incredibly shallow but that's how awful I felt about how I looked. I got sick of hearing "you have such a pretty face!" or "your eyes are so beautiful!". I'd rather be called ugly. I think the whole " she has such a pretty face" line is just so awful because all it makes you think about is the other part "....but she is too fat!"

It is very hard for me to judge people on their weight because - I - have been the one who was looked upon and I know how it feels. Very few people want to be obese and not have much energy to do things. Very few people would choose obesity over a healthy body. If someone gains a significant amount of weight due to lifestyle it more often than not indicates another problem that it is below the surface. Depression, stress, abuse. You name it. Mine was due to stress and being in a toxic relationship. Having just had a baby, going back to work 2 weeks after a c-section because I didn't have a choice, going to school full-time on top of that. It was not easy. I'd get stressed because of all of the above and stressed because I was gaining weight and in turn I'd eat junk. It was a cycle that I thought would never end.

Then last year after I turned 28 I realized I had to do something about it because I felt ugly and worthless and I do not want my daughter to grow up with a mother who does not love herself; who doesn't take care of herself. Being the sole parent since her father is out of the picture means that I am her main role model and I want to be a good one. I want her to look up to me. That's why I lost so much weight and started looking forward to the future again. And in the process I started seeing someone who adores me and supports me. It's like everything came together and it all makes sense.

I still want to lose about 40 pounds but I am not killing myself over it. I have reached a point where I know what makes me put on weight and what habits are harmful to my health - stress eating etc - so I avoid them. It is much easier said than done but I know I am happier now than I was before and that means a great deal to me.

BTW your wife is stunning!!!
There used to be a book called "Such a pretty face: Being fat in America".

Edit: Found it. http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0393331067

"You have such a pretty face" is such an overused cliche thrown at fat girls.

I was always thin until about 20 years ago, and I got fat during my marriage, particularly after my daughter was born. I believe much of it was emotional eating. The marriage was bad, and I was angry, I was hurt, I realized I had been tricked by someone who said he loved me when he didn't so I felt like a loser moron, and I felt trapped. Food made me feel better. It was as simple as that. Then...I guess I just stopped caring.

The weight gain leveled off, and I'm too tall anyway so I carried it better than some shorter woman would, but I'm still overweight. But then I quit smoking, and went to a whole new level of fatness, gaining 15 pounds in less than one year, and for some reason, that spurred me on. I figure if I can quit nicotine, I can lose weight.

So, I'm losing. It's slow, but I just this week hit the 20-pound mark. Took six months to do that, but I'm in my mid-fifties, and after quitting smoking, my metabolism is very slow. But it IS going down, and I'm going to keep going. I'm not putting pressure on myself or giving myself a timeline, I'm just making changes to be healthier. Part of that is recognizing that I do things like reach for sweets when I'm frustrated or angry about something.

I think a lot of women eat to squash down negative emotions.
 
Old 07-15-2013, 10:06 PM
 
Location: all over the place (figuratively)
2,630 posts, read 2,113,543 times
Reputation: 1679
Many women look better facially when slightly overweight. I might read that book someday. And more weight or not, quitting smoking is always a net positive.

I didn't come in to this thread with much empathy for the overweight and some reactions (partly to my vague first post)haven't helped. However, my understanding has increased, and I've learned that health-related issues lead to weight gain more than I thought. The strongest realization actually is about obese men - I and probably most other people never think mental or physical health could be involved when seeing very large men (unless it's morbid, virtually-can't-exercise obesity). "Oh, look at the guy who eats too much and doesn't exercise." Preconceptions should be questioned.
 
Old 07-16-2013, 06:32 AM
 
5,324 posts, read 7,661,073 times
Reputation: 9538
Regarding obese women: when we interview an obese woman as a job candidate HR and managers always state that she dresses sloppily as a reason for non-hire. This even if the candidate is wearing proper attire for the interview process.

One of the internal post-interview questions is whether the candidate takes pride in his/her appearance. Obese women always get a low score on this question.
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