Boxed Women (haircut, light, fashion, male)

[krmb]

Really, I should probably stop watching those fashion, beauty, and makeover shows. I'm honestly not happy with myself on so many levels. I think it has to do with maybe having Autism Spectrum Disorder (Asperger's). I feel like I can't communicate effectively, and somehow that got twisted into obsessions about how I look, act, talk, etc. Something, though, is just off about me, and it might be perpetually so. I wish I knew how to wear this disguise and at least pretend to be like I've been given the impression that other women are. I'm odd weird unique...It doesn't bother me at all, but somehow my personality is not conducive to teaching and interacting with children, or maybe holding any job, really. I was hoping a makeover could fix me, but, really, I think I need to start exploring the underlying issues. I know I posted on a fashion and beauty forum, and I hope this isn't misplaced. The media puts so many unrealistic expectations on us women that few of us have escaped ever dreaming about being a beauty queen, model, movie star, or other epitome of female beauty, grace, and entertainment. If that requires nothing else, it requires good communication skills, which I seem to severely lack. I wish I knew how to get over this hurdle.

I was very soft spoken as a child, and one memory I have of my childhood is that people who wanted to get a good laugh out of their mates would try to make me look foolish by twisting anything I managed to say or even claiming I said things that I did not say. I didn't know how to defend myself, so I just kept quiet. Throughout the years, I've developed an intense appetite for good communication skills, the kinds that probably would have kept me out of those sticky situations in school and helped me win friends. It looks like I've just been dreaming, though. Even as an adult, I find my communication skills and desire to keep up my appearance severely lacking when compared to my peers. The kids I work with even pick up on something off and sometimes try to take advantage of me for it. I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Isn't there some way for me to develop the traits I want to develop and get away from this odd unfavorable impression people seem to pick up? I feel like a dud. I have no desire to partake of the traditional role of a woman in this society. I'm intensely curious, and I want to explore everything, but I don't even know where or how to get started on some things. I wish I could re-make myself into a person who can at least fain to be "normal" if the circumstances require it.

Most of my life has been one of exclusion and rejection. Why can't I change this? I want the opposite of what I have, but I don't know how to attain it. Those kids almost treat me like I have no soul, just a little better than I was treated as a child. Whatever it is about me that is making them, and perhaps many of the people with whom I interact, take away such an unfavorable impression of me, I would like to at least be able to identify and have control over.

[Hedgehog_Mom]

This might be more of a Psychology post than a Fashion post, you might get better advice there. But most of us feel like we can't live up to the media's idea of beauty. You just have to find an acceptable level of dress and grooming and go with it.

About your teaching career, what about teaching for an online school? You'd have to have classes on webcam now and then, and communicate through email and the phone, but it might be more within your comfort zone.

[krmb]

Thanks, I wanted a fresh perspective, so I posted here. I think you would be right, but fashion, beauty, and media ideals play a huge role in helping shape what women think about themselves and the ideals society strives to live up to, or at least that's what those makeover shows try to make us think. I'm intensely curious and really tired of living a life for which I have no real interest. I would just like to find out how to do the things I love, and if changing my image is one way to do it, why not? Life is too short, and being an expert communicator is one of my main aspirations. I naively thought teaching would be a nice segue into such a career, but it lead me to frustration, really. There's so much I want to learn, and I want to get started right away, but I don't know where to begin or what I have to work on.

If this is misplaced, though, or even if you think I might have better luck elsewhere, please move this topic there.

[Snort]

A skilled communicator is one who asks questions pertinent to the listener. Just learn how to "interview" and apply that to the people you meet.
"Hey, what's the best film you've seen lately, or your favorite one?"

This might be more of a Psychology post than a Fashion post, you might get better advice there.

If this is misplaced, though, or even if you think I might have better luck elsewhere, please move this topic there.

No, all the psychs are over here on the Fashion & Beauty forum.

[cb at sea]

You HAVE TO KNOW that the women you see on TV or in magazines are NOT REAL...in the sense that they have TEAMS of professionals putting makeup on them to cover any flaw....doing their hair so its perfect, and "air-brushing" their photos. A real human cannot compete. Stop watching that crap.
A "makeover" will not fix your issues. You need to find someone who specializes in your condition, and getting you over your "fears".

[Hedgehog_Mom]

I think most kids treat their teachers like they're not a person. It's not anything you're doing personally, it's the gap between the worker bee and the queen bee, or the hourly employee and the business owner...basically you're in charge of them and you can make them do whatever you want while they're there, and they're not going to be your friend ever, and that's why. Next year when they're not in your class, they will be happy to see you in the hallways or cafeteria, and act excited to see you.

And something those makeover shows don't show...people set a goal for themselves..."people will love me if I have a nose job," "I will have a better life if I lose 100lbs," "I will be popular if I have exactly the right clothes," and so on. Then they achieve that goal and they're still not happy, because you have to make a decision to be happy and learn to make the best of what you've got. If you set a goal to change something about yourself, realize that once you meet that goal, that one thing will be changed, but it will be up to you to decide to be happy.

[EvilCookie]

You seem to have a lot of issues mixed up in this post and it's not very clear what your goals really are. However, I'll try to make a few helpful points because I've sort of been where you are. I don't have Asperger's but I was painfully shy and socially awkward as a kid, still am really but I've learned to work with it better as I grew up. Like you I was very soft-spoken, teased and bullied and ignored. However I slowly taught myself how to approach people, how to make conversation, how to smile and act friendly even if you're not feeling it - all these help tremendously in the impression you give off.

I will say that I would have never in a million years considered a teaching career given my personality type. I know it would just be way more stress and pressure than I could handle, and like you I'm not good with kids or being an authority figure. A teacher is a TOUGH job even for those who love it - and you really do have to love it to be good at it. Doing it as an exercise to push yourself out of your comfort zone doesn't seem like the best idea to me, but it's your life. I chose work where I could be behind the scenes as much as possible, and eventually moved on to being a sahm and working freelance from home a bit which is really my ideal scenario because I HATED dealing with people on an everyday basis.

In terms of appearance, I happen to love style and fashion and makeup, so I use it to my advantage. My parents didn't have the means to provide me with the trendy clothes when I was in school, and that was tough. I'm not naturally pretty, quite the opposite, and I suffered with it in my teens, but as soon as I started making my own money I started putting a lot of effort into looking good. It's really 'fake it till you make it' - I still have major problems with self-esteem and confidence and shyness and social interaction - but when I'm dressed impeccably, have my makeup and hair done etc., I feel immeasurably better about myself, it gives me that confidence to know that I look put together to others. It helps to think that even if I can't think of a conversation topic, at least I look attractive so other people will probably just think I'm that slightly mysterious stranger or a busy woman with my own life - but that at least no one will label me a weirdo loner. I know that might not be the healthiest way to think and probably screams of the self-esteem issues I still have plenty of, but believe me it's better that what I went through in high school. If you need tips on dressing well, I'll be happy to give some, or there's plenty of resources and shows. You can walk up to a cosmetics counter and get a makeover and lesson in how to do your makeup, get a good flattering haircut and style, dress in fitted clothes that flatter your shape, nothing baggy or shapeless, get a good bag and nice shoes - and you're 90% there. I think even your students will treat you better if you walk in looking sharp and professional. Good luck!

[krmb]

I have an intense fascination with communicating with people correctly, verbally and nonverbally, because it seems like something is usually off when I talk to people, and it causes me to avoid most social interaction in general. I've even been reluctant to ask to join study groups or mention good ideas. I feel like people often do not take me seriously, so trying to start a conversation is useless. I think looking and acting "normal", whatever that is, would help me build and maintain relationships and enable me to connect with people better.

[krmb]

I just wish I knew how to get a teaching job and get those kids to stop treating me like dirt. I'm a human being with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations too. I've been subjected to bullying and unfair treatment all of my life. I feel almost like people think I'm undeserving of friendships and close relationships. I feel like screaming to the world in whatever way possible, "you are wrong about me!" I haven't found a shout loud enough to make myself believe they will listen, though. Life really can suck if you feel like you're being hurt all the time.

[krmb]

Is anyone still here? There must be some reason, besides being bored, that I obsess over trying to be hip stylish and entertaining but end up missing the mark completely.