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Old 09-29-2007, 01:59 AM
 
5 posts, read 14,329 times
Reputation: 12

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Hi guys! I'm new to the forum and have been browsing through the Florida forums as I have a big decision to make on whether to move to Florida or not by the end of next year.. so i still have a lot of time to think about it. But I would really like some advice while i have to think about this decision.

I am 21 year old college student.. I live in Hawaii and have lived here all my life. My bf of 2 years has decided that he wants to move back to Sarasota, Florida where his mom n step dad lives because he has a good opportunity to become a firefighter since his step dad was a fire chief. My bf use to live in Florida and then decided to move to Hawaii when he was 14 because his dad lives here. He hasn't finished college and doesn't plan on it.. and feels like he has no opportunity in Hawaii to have a career. He also tells me that Florida is much cheaper and he would able to rent a home or an appt there where as here in Hawaii its too expensive. He still lives with his dad btw.

I have been to Florida twice with him.. we went on vacation to see his mom. My visits there were enjoyable and I thought Sarasota was a really nice place. But it is, of course, a lot different from Hawaii. I also felt a little out of place as I am Asian and in Hawaii theres a lot more diversity. But there is so much to do in Florida.. where as in Hawaii you live on a little rock that can get boring after living there for so long. So I do want change.. and I would love to experience what it is like to live in the mainland. At the same time though.. I am very scared of change and moving to Florida would be a drastic change. I would be away from my family and won't have any family or friends in Florida. My bf tells me that his mom will be my mom and that I can make new friends. But its hard cause I am really close to my mom and my younger sister who is handicapped. I already know my mom doesn't want me to move and I would probably feel really bad leaving her, plus I would miss my mom n sis a lot. But I also love my boyfriend very much.. and I want a future with him. He tells me he wants me to come with him cause he wants to be able to support us and have a family and to be able to have a home. He tells me i can always visit back home.. but just the thought of moving million miles away from my family makes me sick. But at the same time, if my bf moves away and I don't go then I may be losing the love of my life. My bf said he'll wait for me to finish school which is the end of next year 2008... so I have about a year to decide. If I decide to not go... he is still going to go as he wants a career and feels like he is going nowhere in his life. I think its also partly due to his mom being sick.. and he probably wants to be there with her which i understand.

Oh yea I forgot to mention.. I wanted to know about the job opportunities of being a preschool/kindergarten teacher which is something I want to do as a career. I already have experience as I work at a school. So I was wondering if it would easy for me to find a job as a teacher in Florida?

This decision on moving is such a hard decision for me to make. Not that i have never lived on my own nor have i lived away from home.

What do you guys think? Any advice and opinions are welcomed. I would like to hear all the pros and cons of Florida as well. Sorry for such a long post and thanks for ur time!

Last edited by soulseeker86; 09-29-2007 at 02:22 AM..
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Old 09-29-2007, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Central FL
1,683 posts, read 7,582,270 times
Reputation: 834
Soulseeker, I understand the issue of moving so far away from all that is familiar and especially from your family. It is doubly hard once children start coming along.
However, you and you boyfriend have to make your life together.....you are young, if it doesn't work out, you can move back to Hawaii. My DH and I moved across the country to California when we were young. We were fresh out of college, newlyweds, and moved in a small UHaul and a shoestring. We stayed a year and it was so different and so far away from family, we moved back. Our son was only a few months old when we moved and we wanted him to grow up knowing at least one set of his grandparents - both of whom lived in the southeast. BUT I'm glad we had that year. We learned so many things from that experience we would not have known had we stayed in our sheltered, southern environment.

To tell you a little about Florida. You will hear people on this forum talk about how expensive it is to live here. Yes, it has become more expensive over the last few years, but compared to Hawaii, it will seem cheap to you. You shouldn't have a problem finding a job as a kindergarten teacher and I doubt your BF will have a problem becoming a fireman - especially as his step dad has contacts. You should do OK financially. According to the Herald-Tribune, Sarasota County leads the state, with an average teacher salary of $51,471.00. In '05-'-06 the salary range for a teacher in Sarasota County with a bachelor's degree ranged from 35,000 - 57,000 based on experience. Specialist's degrees can make up to 69K. I don't know what firemen make in Sarasota, but I'm guessing between the two of you - you will make around 70K, which isn't bad for starting out. Rent should be no problem and you could even buy a condo or home as prices are coming down.

Some places in Hawaii are quite crowded - so I don't think the traffic, etc. would bother you. There are many Asians and diverse ethnicities here. I don't think you have to worry about that at all.

It is a tropical climate but it gets hotter and more humid than Hawaii. The gulf waters off Sarasota are calm with little to no waves. There is much to do and you will live by some of the most beautiful beaches in the mainland USA in my opinion.

All that being said....I'm going to give you advice I would give my daughter. You must really KNOW your boy friend. Is he a man of good character and morals with integrity? Does he treat you with respect at all times? Does he have an anger problem? You don't need to answer to this board, but you need to know the answer to all these questions before you move thousands of miles away from friends and family with him. You will be on his turf and away from everything familiar. Don't do it, unless you are absolutely certain of his character.

If he is the love of your life and deserving of you - then you must decide together what you want your life to be. You can't let your family hold you back. If I had done that, I would probably be working a minimum wage job in a rural town in South Carolina. I loved my family, but knew I would have to go away to make the kind of life I wanted for myself. Yes, it was hard. I hated calling home. My mother cried every time I called home for the first 5 years - and I was only in Florida. I saw her at least twice a year. BUT, she got used to it. She enjoyed visiting us and now she would love to live here.

Make your decision based on the knowledge of the area and what YOU want your life to be.
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Old 09-29-2007, 07:24 AM
 
199 posts, read 168,522 times
Reputation: 64
Well I will also give you the advice I would give my daughter, take is very slow. You seem to be the one doing all the sacrificing. You are leaving your family and friends. You are going to where he wants to be. He is convincing you that his family will be yours and you will make new friends. He seems to be stacking future things up all to his wants. Firefighter? Come on, he could break into that field in Hawaii if he worked at it.

Take a step back and look for any other signs of manipulation and control. If they are there, be very careful.

In many cases the man is the one who finds work and new friends near the woman's family. Especially when kids come along, it is so important for you to have your family there for support if possible. And in your case it is very possible, you both could find jobs and stay in Hawaii. You have no idea his families values and style of raising kids. You have a baby in Florida, you will have to rely on them for a lot.

2 years of dating is way too short a time to leave everything you know for a guy. I would really think this thing through.
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Old 09-29-2007, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Central FL
1,683 posts, read 7,582,270 times
Reputation: 834
Outstanding advice, Sunandsand. I completely agree. You can't be too careful these days!
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Old 09-29-2007, 08:30 AM
 
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
26 posts, read 164,435 times
Reputation: 19
I agree with the other posters on all counts. Let me just tell you my boyfriend and I moved here from MA after college, we had dated only just over a year. I knew he was the one and it has actually worked out picture perfectly. NOW, not saying that happens for everyone. But it did for us

We have been in WPB for 10 years now and are married with a 2 year old. It was really exciting starting a new life, but always knew we could pack it in and go back if it didn't work out. Now is the time in your life to try things like this, it gets much harder as you get older.

We have loved it here and although we may move to the west coast of fl, have no plans on leaving the state. FL is not for everyone, but see for yourself!

Good luck
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Old 09-29-2007, 02:43 PM
 
5 posts, read 14,329 times
Reputation: 12
Thanks for all your advice.. it has been really helpful.

To be honest.. my bf and I have been through been rocky times in our relationship. In fact he is known to be very controlling and I know youre all probably thinking what the hell are you doing with him. But theres still that part of me that really loves him and feels like he is the only person I want to be with for the rest of my life. We actually had broken up a couple of months ago.. and it ended really badly. Really bad. But this break up lasted for a month and we wounded up back together and I felt that we needed that break to realize all our mistakes. We pretty much got everything out in the open. I told him how i felt and he told me how he felt. And we both wanted to try to work things out. I already knew before hand that he wanted to move to Florida, but when we got back together.. he made sure that i knew he was moving and that he wasn't just saying it to say it. That he was for sure going to do it and he would really like it if I came with him. Normally I would complain and tell him I don't want him to move and then ill start crying. But this time I told him that I understand and that I am not sure yet whether I want to do it. It would really depend on how our relationship is because we were already having a hard time our second year together.. so what makes him think we'll be able to live together in another state. I told him all this.. and he basically told me that it could work out.

I love him to death.. but at the same time he does have those qualities like you guys mentioned.. anger problems.. controlling. Since we have gotten back together though I feel like things are better this time around. But if we cant even work out our relationship here within the next year then i definitely won't move. But if things go really well and we our happy together.. then I would really consider moving as I do love him a lot.

As for trying to become a firefighter here in Hawaii.. its really hard because there is a long waiting list. Right now my bf works as a waiter at a popular restaurant. He makes really good tips but he doesn't want to be a waiter for the rest of his life. But then again, he hasn't really been trying to look for other jobs. He just thinks he wont be able to make living here in hawaii. And he constantly complains about Hawaii.. and how he hates living here. Ive tried so hard to convince him to stay but nothing works. He is very stubborn. If he really loves me though, he would take what i think into consideration right? Does that mean if he moves without me that he doesn't really love me? *Sigh* This is so stressful. I know there are plenty of men out there and im still young.. my mom always tells me this. But I feel that he is the only man i want to be with.

If I don't go, I will be miserable.. and if I do go, I'll still be miserable cause ill be away from my family. But I keep thinking.. if I don't go and give it a chance, ill be left wondering if i made a big mistake of not going when things may have worked out.

Anyways thanks for all ur advice, i really appreciate it.
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Old 09-29-2007, 02:54 PM
 
5 posts, read 14,329 times
Reputation: 12
Oh and i forgot to mention.. all his mom's side of his family is in Florida so we would have them to help us out. So if we were to have kids.. we would have his grandparents there.. but I have always wanted my mom to be there when i have children. I love his mom though, she is really sweet.. so i wouldnt have a problem with her. But i would miss my own mother so much.

My boyfriend told me would could always move back when he retires. He says after he works 20 years as a firefighter he can retire and we can move back to hawaii. 20 years is a long time.. if it were 10 years, i dont think id have that big of a problem.
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Old 09-29-2007, 03:03 PM
 
15,199 posts, read 31,153,980 times
Reputation: 18364
I have read your posts, and you are going to be one sorry lady if you move away from your family with someone with anger and control issues. I have seen this over and over again, and there is NEVER a good ending. I think you already know this in your heart, and you are looking for us to confirm it, which we pretty much have.

You will be halfway around the world from your family if you do this - think about that.

Good luck to you.
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Old 09-29-2007, 03:15 PM
 
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
26 posts, read 164,435 times
Reputation: 19
After reading your second post about the anger issues etc... I would absolutely not move w/him. It's not your job to fix him or stick it out even though you love him. Relocating away from family is VERY stressful. We were young when we went and the stress of it all brought up lots of disagreements. Luckily we had a strong relationship without any issues BEFORE we moved.

Hindsight is 20/20 which is why it sounds so obvious to me that you shouldn't do it.

Good luck w/whatever you do. Be careful not to get caught up in the excitement of moving to a new place and push aside the problem in your relationship.
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Old 09-29-2007, 03:25 PM
 
960 posts, read 1,359,625 times
Reputation: 409
All the previous posters are absolutely correct.

Dr. Phil would probably say something like this, "DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT move with him."

Sorry if that seems so cut and dry... but really it is.

If you had no problems with moving, you would not ask other peoples advice.

Sincere best wishes for you.
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