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Old 08-07-2012, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
11,153 posts, read 7,542,404 times
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I awlays ask what I can bring and when I have people over they ask me what they can bring. I always say just come and enjoy the meal but they always bring a dessert or wine. To actually be invited to lunch and told or asked to bring something is very nervy. I would call her back and tell her it's too hot to use the oven could I bring something else or make up an excuse and not go.
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Old 08-07-2012, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Edmond, OK
4,016 posts, read 4,654,957 times
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I can so relate. We used to have a friend (notice I said 'used to') who would not only do this same thing, they would actually send the exact recipe they wanted you to prepare. I was more than a little PO'd by this.

I definitely think it is rude and presumptuous for her to invite you for a meal, then tell you later that you are not only expected to bring something, but to tell you exactly what it is you are expected to bring.
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Old 08-07-2012, 02:30 PM
 
1,231 posts, read 448,385 times
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Thanks for all the great input and suggestions so far!

To answer a few of the questions:

~I already accepted the invitation prior to knowing I would be told to bring specific items- or any items, for that matter. Now I will have to come up with an "illness" or another "commitment" as suggested above. I do not like to lie and yet I also do not want to say I don't appreciate her bait and switch routine. I know I can just say "no, thanks after all" without explanation, but she is a pretty good friend so that is kind of hard. I will say she is a bit pushy at times and has put me and others in similar situations before. On the other hand she would give you the shirt off her back if you really needed it.

~Yes, she is providing the meat dish. Party space? No, she is not renting a banquet room with crystal chandeliers and sterling silver place settings nor even a recreation room at the club. This will be at her kitchen table.

~As for: "Don't go - everybody's happy"........I just might be happier, but the hostess would not be. The other guests, who I know only slightly, probably don't give a hoot one way or the other.

~"Is the item something you can just purchase already made?" No, but I could sub a less healthy grocery store prepackaged facsimile, which might be fine with everyone else, in fact they might prefer it, but I would not eat it myself!

~ "What the WHAT? If I wanted to make lunch, I'd stay home and make myself a sandwich." Yep, that pretty well sums it up!
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Old 08-07-2012, 02:32 PM
 
2,154 posts, read 1,342,124 times
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Her request is WAY over the line. Has she always been this bossy and self-centered? Or is this new behavior for her? If not, maybe she's slipped a gear. If she's always been this way, why is she still your friend?
IF you feel you can talk to her without her flipping out on you, try to do so. Explain it's too hot to bake, AND you don't have/can't find the secret ingredient. Offer to bring something else, easier and not baked, and mention that you didn't know it was a pot-luck.
What about everyone else? Has anyone else balked at being asked to provide lunch FOR someone who invited them TO lunch? Is there someone else that you're closer to that you could email and ask her WTF?
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Old 08-07-2012, 02:49 PM
 
10,776 posts, read 8,793,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DifferentDrum View Post
When I invite people over for lunch or dinner I provide the whole meal. Guests will ask if they can bring anything and I say 'no, just come and enjoy'. Usually most will bring something any way- a bottle of wine, some rolls, or cookies, etc. and it is, of course, much appreciated. But the point is that I invite people to dinner to enjoy their company and to give the gift of a meal that they do not have to prepare, pay for, or clean up after.

Now, a pot luck is another story and everyone volunteers to bring something and that is fine too, but it is not the same as a straight out "come for lunch (or dinner)" invitation.

Last week I accepted a friend's invitation to lunch at her house along with some other ladies she invited. Yesterday she sent a big email copied to all of us, and which can be read by all of us "invitees". In it she made a list telling each person EXACTLY what to bring!

Now, this was not originally a "let's have a pot luck" where dishes of choice are volunteered. This was an invitation to lunch.

I want to feel gracious about it, but I find that it rubs me the wrong way. For my contribution she wants something that has to be baked and the temp here is ranging 100- 112 degrees- not baking weather- and it is not what I would voluntarily take to a pot luck this time of year (IF this had even been called a pot luck in the first place).

Also, the ingredients are expensive and because I live in the middle of nowhere, one essential ingredient has to be ordered on line. In addition she requested another item- easy no problem, really, but an additional item to the baked item. Yes, I would have taken something any way such as wine, an appetizer, or a small gift, so why do I feel so po'd about this?

I would appreciate opinions on this situation. Am I wrong to feel like I don't even want to go? Am I right to think this is poor etiquette on the hostess' part? Am I just cranky and mean spirited?

No. You are not cranky and mean spirited. She is being presumptuous and bossy! I have never heard of this!

I have been invited to pot lucks where I have been asked to contribute a green salad a sidedish desert. That's different. I think people do that because the do not want duplications of the same course.
That makes some sense.

I love to give and I'm generous to a fault. I never arrive "empty handed" as mother taught me.
However, I do not dictate to others - nor do I wish to be dictated to by others.

I would nicely say "The cake you suggested sounds lovely for the winter and I may bake one then. But with this heat have, I really don't want to heat my kitchen. So I'd like to take a fruit salad and cookies or some ice cream - which would you prefer? I could also pick up a cake from (insert name of local high end bakery) if you would like cake."

Don't acquiesces!... Let them eat cake - but not cake baked in YOUR KITCHEN! You are not wrong!
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:06 PM
 
1,231 posts, read 448,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs.cool View Post
Her request is WAY over the line. Has she always been this bossy and self-centered? Or is this new behavior for her? If not, maybe she's slipped a gear. If she's always been this way, why is she still your friend?
IF you feel you can talk to her without her flipping out on you, try to do so. Explain it's too hot to bake, AND you don't have/can't find the secret ingredient. Offer to bring something else, easier and not baked, and mention that you didn't know it was a pot-luck.
What about everyone else? Has anyone else balked at being asked to provide lunch FOR someone who invited them TO lunch? Is there someone else that you're closer to that you could email and ask her WTF?
She is a bit pushy- a school teacher who is used to delegating and making assignments. She has always been this way, but on the other hand she has also been a good friend who has done me many kindnesses. I would not consider throwing the baby out with the bath water.

I like your suggestion to tell her I am low on the ingredient (almond meal) and it is too hot to bake. (I am in the desert and currently it is humid as well as very hot- and unlike most places there will not really be a break until October. Some nights it is 90 degrees at midnight. The AC is lucky to keep the house at 80.)

Also, I never have it shipped in the summer as it sits in hot humid trucks and can grow mold, and is an expensive proposition (as flour goes) to throw it out. I would have to drive at least 30 miles round trip to obtain it "locally" at the next larger town.

I will offer to take something else and I don't think she will flip out. I can't really expect someone to consider all of the logistics involved with such a request, I guess. But, I think I would be upset to be TOLD what to bring, no matter what it was. I would never even think of doing it- never crossed my mind!

I have met the other guests on a few occasions but do not know any of them well enough to ask how they feel about it. I know one or two of them will be driving in from out of town for this "forced banquet" , probably 80 miles round trip or more!
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:08 PM
 
1,231 posts, read 448,385 times
Reputation: 469
Quote:
Originally Posted by debzkidz View Post
I can so relate. We used to have a friend (notice I said 'used to') who would not only do this same thing, they would actually send the exact recipe they wanted you to prepare. I was more than a little PO'd by this.

I definitely think it is rude and presumptuous for her to invite you for a meal, then tell you later that you are not only expected to bring something, but to tell you exactly what it is you are expected to bring.
OMG! UNreal! Guess I am comparatively lucky!
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:22 PM
 
1,231 posts, read 448,385 times
Reputation: 469
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
No. You are not cranky and mean spirited. She is being presumptuous and bossy! I have never heard of this!

I have been invited to pot lucks where I have been asked to contribute a green salad a sidedish desert. That's different. I think people do that because the do not want duplications of the same course.
That makes some sense.


I love to give and I'm generous to a fault. I never arrive "empty handed" as mother taught me.
However, I do not dictate to others - nor do I wish to be dictated to by others.

I would nicely say "The cake you suggested sounds lovely for the winter and I may bake one then. But with this heat have, I really don't want to heat my kitchen. So I'd like to take a fruit salad and cookies or some ice cream - which would you prefer? I could also pick up a cake from (insert name of local high end bakery) if you would like cake."

Don't acquiesces!... Let them eat cake - but not cake baked in YOUR KITCHEN! You are not wrong!
Yes, agreed. Had it been dubbed a pot luck from the beginning and a category given to each guest so we would have the choice of what to bring within the category- no problem!

I had never heard of it either, never occurred to me, but apparently it happens! A poster above had a friend who provided the recipes to her guests!! I think the hostesses in these cases are wanting a lunch of their favorite dishes that they know their friends make.
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Old 08-07-2012, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Kirkwood, DE and beautiful SXM!
9,857 posts, read 10,746,659 times
Reputation: 24343
If you know what everyone else is bringing, then I would contact her, explain that you do not have all the ingredients, it is too hot to bake, etc. and make a suggestion of what would be convenient for you to bring that goes along with the menu. Next time, I imagine that you will ask about the "arrangements."
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Old 08-07-2012, 05:07 PM
 
8,256 posts, read 6,654,475 times
Reputation: 8581
These are the questions to ask yourself....
1. Could you have misunderstood the original invitation?
2. Did you ask, and perhaps the other ladies also..."What can I bring"? And, perhaps she wrote a mass email to answer??
3. Could her husband have put a kabash on the budget?? And she asked to keep from uninviting you all??
4. How much do you want to continue to see all these friends, not just the hostess?? If you ditch, you'll look like a poor sport. If you go you'll be steaming, like you are now with resentment and anger. It is a lose lose situation.
5. Do you think she asked you to make something a bit difficult because she knows how good you are at getting difficult tasks done? Sort of "counting" on you?
6. How badly will you feel if you tell her you are not coming? Worse than now??

Have you spoken to the other ladies??? You could all sabotage her together and stop at KFC together and arrive w/ your lunch. OR, any other menu you decide together...make it a funny thing...Everyone bring pb&j's....Anything.....
It will embarrass her, but it will be something to laugh over together at lunch.
Real friends get past little "Don't really matter in the larger scheme of things in life" issues. Good luck
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