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You seem to be taking this personally, and there is no reason to do so. Conduct your meals however you wish. The guidelines I posted reflect the manners we are passing along to our children, and I thought I'd present them for other people to mull over. I get it; you think I am hopelessly uptight. I know that what I am teaching my children is necessary for them to meet the expectations of polite society and the social classes that will surround them as they mature into adults. The above is really just the basics. There's a lot more. It is what it is. YMMV.
Thank you for sharing. There are some meal situations where I want to be careful not to offend anybody, in which case etiquette guidelines are very useful. I had to take an etiquette class for work a couple years ago and I was surprised to learn that other people might interpret some of my mindless behaviors as rude. I think the class has gone a long way in helping my interactions with higher-ups and clients at work.
My parents have not been much help in this area, and I'm assuming other people my age have a similar issue.
Thank you for sharing. There are some meal situations where I want to be careful not to offend anybody, in which case etiquette guidelines are very useful. I had to take an etiquette class for work a couple years ago and I was surprised to learn that other people might interpret some of my mindless behaviors as rude. I think the class has gone a long way in helping my interactions with higher-ups and clients at work.
My parents have not been much help in this area, and I'm assuming other people my age have a similar issue.
An excellent example of why it's important to master the rules of etiquette! Knowing these things is never a liability, but not knowing them certainly can be.
An excellent example of why it's important to master the rules of etiquette! Knowing these things is never a liability, but not knowing them certainly can be.
I'd love to seat you at one of the formal dinner presentations we were taught in British private school and watch you squirm as you tried to figure-out which plate, knife, fork, and glass was used for each course. Wait... you're spreading butter with a fish knife. Oh the horror!!!!
I'd love to seat you at one of the formal dinner presentations we were taught in British private school and watch you squirm as you tried to figure-out which plate, knife, fork, and glass was used for each course. Wait... you're spreading butter with a fish knife. Oh the horror!!!!
I'm not sure what point you're trying to make here. Why have you taken such offense to what I've written? I truly do not understand what I have done to get under your skin, so please explain.
BTW, I do know the difference between a butter knife and fish knife and where to find them on the table. I don't have many opportunities to demonstrate my knowledge, but I know it all the same.
Location: Montreal -> CT -> MA -> Montreal -> Ottawa
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Until I move into a larger home next summer, I'm in a one-bedroom apartment. My dining room is my office -- no dining table; my desk is there.
Even when I have a guest, we end up eating at the coffee table. The TV might even be on. But we use my china and say "please" and "thank you" when we pass the plastic container of sushi.
This is what we settled on as the non-negotiables when dining at a table with others. I'm glad you make the "with others" distinction.
* Come to the table promptly with clean hands and in appropriate clothing as a sign of respect to the cook and those with whom you're dining. I can't imagine anything else. Even when I eat alone, I wash my hands.
* Leave the electronics elsewhere. The table is a screen-free zone. Not a big deal for me, since I live alone, and often eat at the computer or tv. I don't have to deal with it otherwise.
* Use good posture; don't slouch over your food or perch on the edge of your chair like you are ready to bolt. This is a rule I follow myself. I don't really care how anyone else sits. TTYTT, I don't really notice how anyone else sits. This seems a bit controlling to me.
* Place a napkin in your lap. Duh.
* Wait until everyone is served before eating. It is never a mistake to take your cue from the oldest female present; your grandmother will be impressed and flattered. More "duh."
* If the food is served family style, pass the platters and bowls accordingly, again waiting until everyone is ready to eat before digging in. We started passing the food before my brother would get to the table. He would have made us all late, and the food cold.
* Take reasonably-sized bites and chew with your mouth closed. It has never occurred to me to judge the size of someone else's bite of food, or to care about it one way or the other. But yes, MOUTH SHUT WHILE EATING!
* Do not pick your teeth or make other off-putting sounds with your mouth. If there is a problem, excuse yourself from the table to take care of it. Again, a big yes. NO MOUTH NOISE, EVER!
* Place your fork or spoon down between bites. To shovel food into your mouth non-stop is to appear gluttonous. It also facilitates overeating. Take your time. On this, I completely disagree. I was taught to eat this way, and did so until an echt prep girlfriend in high school showed me the European way of handling my silver/stainless. I could not STAND the constant crossing of hands, and think of it as one of life's small tortures. And eating this way does not necessarily lead to overeating. You went from prissy to just plain silly on this one.
* Rest your non-dominant hand in your lap unless needed to cut food. Couldn't care less.
* Keep your elbows off the table. This has never felt natural to me, so I've never done it.
* Dinnerware stays on the table. Do not lift a bowl to your mouth to slurp up the last little bit of soup. We are not starving. I hate this, too. Especially when it's to get the last bit of milk in a cereal bowl. I also hate watching people drink soup from a mug.
* Minimize clinking & scraping sounds. Not a big deal for me.
* Do not reach over other people's plates for any reason. Also no big deal, possibly because I never see anyone do it.
* It is perfectly acceptable to leave a few bites uneaten, although you should not deliberately order or serve yourself more than you know you can eat. This is straight out of the Our Lady of Unbearable Prissitude textbook. Eat what's on your plate. Don't leave a morsel just because someone told you it's the polite thing to do.
* Dinner conversation should be pleasant. This is not the time to air dirty laundry or work through disagreements. I can't imagine being so controlling, I would deign to tell people what they may and may not talk about.
* When you are done, place your utensils on your plate and your napkin on the table beside it. I was taught to fold my napkin, as well.
* Leave the plate where it sits; do not stack dishes on the table.
* If you are clearing the table, do not stack dishes to carry them into the kitchen for cleaning. Take a dish or glass in each hand and make a few trips rather than risk dropping everything on the floor. These two are just silly.
* If there is a conversation continuing at the table, please do sit back down and enjoy it. Our family is busy; meals together are a pleasure and a privilege. Don't take them for granted. Nice, maybe, but every night?
Jay, you do understand that these are the rules of etiquette I expect our family to practice, not something I am trying to impose on everyone, right?
Regarding your comments...
1. I eat in front of screens, too, just not in the presence of others. When we are gathered around the table for a meal, I think it's important that we focus on enjoying one another's company, which is impossible when some or all are head down in a phone or computer. The same goes for any other distraction.
2. Again, the rule about slouching or perching is for our children, not guests.
3. Needing to pass food around before everyone comes to the table is a non-issue if everyone abides by rule one, which is to come to the table promptly when told dinner is ready.
4. The rule about taking smaller bites is specifically for my youngest, who occasionally stuffs so much food in his mouth at one time that he cannot chew effectively with his mouth closed. Sadly, this appears to be common among his peers.
5. Again, it's about the youngest, who eats every meal as if it's his last and does not acknowledge the people around him. We eat American style. It is what it is.
6. Leaving a few bites uneaten is a counter to my children having adopted my parent's contention that one must clean one's plate. No, you don't. If you are not hungry for the last few bites, you don't need to choke them down to be polite. Yes, there are people starving in other parts of the world, but eating those last few buttered peas won't make any difference.
7. Difficult conversations are best held in private, not at the dinner table in front of everyone. Nothing good comes of arguing at the table, and it makes other people uncomfortable.
8. If your MIL had one-of-a-kind, antique, inherited china and stemware, you might feel differently about stacking dishes. Our own dishes are not quite so fragile, but I want my children to adopt this method of clearing the table for my sake and theirs. And it's generally a good idea anyway. Cleaning broken glass or porcelain off a tile floor is not fun.
9. As I said, we don't dine together every night, because our family is busy, which is why the times we do have to enjoy a meal together are sacred.
10. I do not expect perfection. We are works in progress, and there is often laughing and joking around the table, along with the occasional faux pas. We are normal people, not robots.
Last edited by randomparent; 12-22-2016 at 05:41 PM..
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An excellent example of why it's important to master the rules of etiquette! Knowing these things is never a liability, but not knowing them certainly can be.
