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Then you get the kids eating chocolate cake and ice cream for dinner.
no there is healthy food on hand and the simple meal rules still apply, if you want desert (the cookie or cake or whatever) then healthy food gets eaten first. Just keep healthy food on hand that is easy to prepare by whatever age kids are in the house.
Bacon (properly cooked) and mashed potatoes (plain; just butter. no additional junk in it): there's no living thing in the whole world that won't eat those two things. Until I was 7 (when fried eggs were added) it was all I would eat.
not everyone likes mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes make me gag. literally. physically. always have.
It sounds like rather than being a picky eater, it's a cultural disconnect between the two of you (You mentioned that you are French, and implied that your husband is not, so I'm going to assume that he is American). Generally speaking, American men with simple palates enjoy things like steaks, burgers, roast chicken, pot roast, roast pork, meatloaf, spaghetti with meat sauce, stuffed peppers, and takeout pizza--- basically, the food they probably grew up with, in an average household at any time in the last 40-50 years (assuming they had a parent who cooked regularly, and didn't just heat up something processed and frozen). Many of us grew up with hard shell tacos stuffed with ground beef seasoned with packaged "taco mix", lettuce, tomatoes, and shredded cheese. They are a far cry from authentic Mexican tacos, but they remain a familiar and popular meal just about everywhere; hence, "Taco Tuesdays."
Personally, I love melted raclette with charcuterie meats, pickles, and potatoes. I think it's a great meal, but it isn't something that the average American eats at home, and a substantial number of us would not even know what it is. That's why your husband answers that he wants "food" when you ask what he would like for dinner. "Food" to him is what he is familiar with, not what you as a French woman is accustomed to and enjoy. This is also the reason that he is willing to let you feed him a sandwich for dinner, rather than allow you to go to the trouble of preparing a more complicated meal consisting of things he won't eat. He's trying to spare your feelings and keep the peace by settling for that wrap, when he would rather have a hot meal.
I would start with this: Tell him that you are going to roast a chicken (season it with salt, pepper, fresh thyme, and rub some softened butter on the skin-- simple and delicious), and ask what he would like to have with it. Chances are that what he tells you is what he grew up having with roasted chicken. Next time, tell him that you are making meatloaf. Ask him if he prefers it with gravy and mashed potatoes, or tomato sauce and rice. Basically, tell him what you are planning to cook, and give him some choice regarding preparation and side dishes. If he grew up with immigrant parents or grandparents, he might have an affinity for some of the foods of his heritage. Ask your in-laws how to prepare a few of those dishes. Once you master a small menu of meals that he really enjoys, he will begin to trust that you will make something he likes, and eventually his answer to the question of what he wants to eat will be, "I don't care. Whatever you want to cook is fine." Later on, you can experiment with serving him familiar foods prepared in new ways-- make that roast chicken Indian or Peruvian style by changing up the spices, for example. It might be hit or miss with him, but you will add some variety to your meal planning and excite your own more adventurous palate.
Please ignore those who are saying that you should just leave him to his own devices at meal time. Cooking for one's family is an expression of love, and I don't think that the dinner table is where you want to throw down your gauntlet. After all, you have A LOT of shared meals ahead of you.
Please ignore those who are saying that you should just leave him to his own devices at meal time. Cooking for one's family is an expression of love, and I don't think that the dinner table is where you want to throw down your gauntlet. After all, you have A LOT of shared meals ahead of you.
Then let HIM express his love by cooking the damn food.
This whole thing is a tale as old as time....dude gets married and thinks the wife is there to serve him in all ways forever, doesn't lift a finger, works her to the bone, then gets shirty when she puts her foot down and calls her a tyrant. UGH!
I think the OP should walk away and find a better man, but if not, at least stop cooking this lazy, unappreciative one any more food.
Just let him read this thread and he'll be cured I'm sure.
Dang it Nanny Goat, that was my idea also! Maybe print out 30 pages or so, and let him read them. Maybe leave for a while. He really needs to hear from other people!
To answer you i've known him for 10years, he wasn't that bad at 1st, he slowly came over time, or i didn't realise how much i was doing before it become harder and harder every day since the pregnancy, every little effort i do makes me tired...
No he doesn't do any chores in the house, but since our little chat the other day, when i explained him, how hard it was for me to keep doing all of this while nearly 8 months pregnant, he understood and each time i ask for his help he is helping more with the chores, he is not happy to do it and shows it, but he does help.
And then today, i asked our son who is 4 to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, he was tired and wasn't really willing to do it. And my husband said out loud in front of our son, yeahh i know with all these new rules nowadays, it feel like you're a tyran!! I was just like woahh seriously? Just because i'm asking him to pick up his clothes??? are you going to picked them up? He said No! So if he doesn't and you won't who do you think will do it???
But some other time he is really nice, like when i needed him to go with me to the shop to buy a big mdf board for some diy i'm going to do, he was happy to help, and carrying the board for me
I just don't know how he can be nice a minute and the next he is not...
Dinner time was good too, he ate 2 plates of my homemade couscous, and told me he was surprised it turned out to be actually nice! So he ate a lot of veggies and survived! We're getting there.
For tonight, he wasn't in the mood to eat the same than me, so he just snacked on cookies and stuff on the coach on his own while i was giving the little man his bath.
So here is the update...
My daughter married a man like yours though he wasn't quite as bad with the fussy eating and he did cook part of the time. Over time though, he cooked less and less, didn't clean up after himself when he did, started giving her the silent treatment when things didn't go his way, blamed her and/or everyone else for things that go wrong, etc. Just like yours. He also started calling her a witch and a word that starts with a B and rhymes with witch in front of the children in the last few years, they are 11 and 15 years. He also started to become physically abusive in the form of "foreplay" when he wanted to have intimate relations by smacking her on her rear end hard enough to actually hurt, as well as grabbing her breasts hard and twisting her nipples, and continued to do so even though she told him it hurt and to stop. She also started picking her times to talk with him about things that she knew would upset him, as well as avoiding situations she knew would upset him. He started being nasty with the children, sarcastic, putting them down, yelling at them to shut up when they were playing and being children, giving them the silent treatment, being emotionally and verbally abusive. She'd stand up to him about the way he treated the kids, but, other than that, over the years, she basically let him turn her into a doormat, which is the way you appear to be heading.
She worked from home nearly all of their marriage because they as a couple decided on that so they wouldn't have the expense of childcare, a work wardrobe for her, transportation costs, etc. That made sense because otherwise her income would have been pretty much a wash given the expenses, besides the fact that he liked her being at home as it meant he didn't have to help with laundry, cook as much, clean house, etc. However, he then started throwing that up to her, that she wasn't bringing in much money (her job used a computer and the internet), didn't have a real job, etc.
Then, last November, things had been slowly but steadily going downhill as far as the above, he tells her that if things don't change in their marriage that he is leaving after the holidays. Among other things, he also opened his own checking account and had his paycheck deposited in there instead of the joint account they had always had. She decides to start looking for a job outside the home. A couple of weeks later, he decides they need to have a talk about their marriage, which they do, and come to a decision that they'll try and make things work. During this talk, she told him he had to change his attitude and treat her and the girls with respect. Well, things were better for a while, but then he started backsliding into his old patterns. In the meantime, she found a job that was perfect for her as it actually makes use of her college education and she finds that she is actually very good at it and is a valued employee. With the more independence she has gained, the worse he has become in his verbal and emotional abuse.
A couple of months ago, it all came to a head. Without going into a long story that involves SIL getting stinking drunk with his work buddies, not wanting to go home after being asked twice by her to finish up his current drink so they could leave, telling her to leave that he'll get a cab or an Uber home, she leaves him at his buddy's house to carry on with his drinking. He doesn't come home until the next afternoon. A few days later, she goes for a walk with their oldest daughter and they end up arguing. It was a silly teenage girl/mom argument, I was on the phone with them and they were arguing and laughing at the same time. GD gets back to house first, as her mom and I started talking about something else, and locks the door to play a trick on her mom. DD didn't have keys with her so she has to ring doorbell. Oldest GD goes to let her in and SIL tells her not to. DD is ringing bell repeatedly, pounding on door by this time. She also calls youngest GD to let her in and SIL tells her to go back to her room and mind her own business apparently from what she told her mom. My DD had to call a friend to come pick her up. SIL texts her to quit acting psycho and that he and the children are willing to get her help. After several hours, now being after 10 at night, she gets a ride back home to see if she is able to get back into house. He has gone to bed and left the door unlocked. The next day, they get into an argument and he tells her locking her out was in retaliation to her leaving him at his buddy's, that she's an embarrassment to him and he's done with her.
After that, she starts making plans to leave and goes to see a lawyer so she will know her options. She also starts sleeping on the couch. After a couple of weeks, he asks her if she's ever coming back to sleeping in bed with him. Nope, she tells him she is done with him too, which gets her the silent treatment again. All this time, he's been trying to manipulate her with money. He cut off her phone, we put her on our plan. He has threatened to take her car away, which she needs to get to work and to ferry the girls around, as well as run errands like grocery shopping. There is basically no public transportation where they live. They have 2 vehicles and both are in his name. He makes about 3 times the money she does and has been making her have to practically beg for money to pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. Her father and I have had to give her money to buy groceries for her and the girls. The only thing I requested was that she buy things he wouldn't eat because of his fussiness.
So, after about 2 weeks shy of 16 years of marriage, she will be moving out and filing for divorce the first part of June. He keeps threatening to file for divorce but hasn't done so. We figure he's going to play the victim to his family since that's his usual go to, he's always the victim, nothing is ever his fault, always somebody else's. The girls have been asking her for the last couple of years why she stays with him because he makes them all miserable. Neither of them want anything to do with him. I don't know what's going to happen with visitation because they aren't going to want to spend time with him. She knows things are going to be tough financially, even with child support, but is looking forward to being free of him and not having to deal with his issues.
Your husband is pretty much acting just like DD's husband acted years ago. Let her situation be a warning.
Last edited by Medtran49; 05-17-2018 at 08:03 AM..
So your husband being so picky isn't something he can help if he has this disorder. However, he can help his lousy attitude and expectation that the entire household must cater to his limitations. He definitely needs to step up and take responsibility for feeding himself. He can't expect you to figure it out by reading his mind.
You can also dislike particular textures without having any sensory processing issues.
It is amazing the number of people who have not read the thread and are responding with, "His mom may have spoiled and catered to him," "Talk to his mom and see how to cook for him," "Make the dishes his mom made," etc.
OP, it's time for the come-to-Jesus meeting. You need to lay it all out there.
1) I am not your slave, your mother, your housekeeper, or your cook. Also, this is not the 1600s. I the 21st century you do not get to treat your wife like this.
2) In this house, from now on, we divide up chores like adults do. (see #1)
3) In this house, from now on, if I cook the food, you either eat what I cook, go hungry, or feed yourself. There will be no complaining about the food. If you cook, you clean up after yourself.
4) These are not "tyrannical" rules. These are rules that married adults follow.
5) As adults we all do things we don't like to do. Adults do them without whining or complaining. If you feel like whining or complaining, think that you are setting an example for your son.
If you feel you can't live under these conditions, the door is to your left. Please leave half your community property as you go.
OP, it's unfortunate that your husband has got this far in life without anyone ever standing up to him. But someone needs to do it, and it looks like you are in line for the job.
By the way, I am a middle aged man, married for 30 years. Neither my wife nor my mother nor my grandmother would have put up with the nonsense you are describing, for a minute. When my mother remarried, she has told me a few times when she had to lay down the law. In that case, my stepfather realized how things were going to be, and they were successfully married for 30 years until they both passed away.
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