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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!
Excellent, I laughed so hard I now have a headache. How true though!
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Great tips, Evey! But, I do have a confession. I put out carrots, but, in my defense, they are baby carrots. Is that a little better? And, I do have other things.
Excellent, I laughed so hard I now have a headache. How true though!
Evey, I'm totally pickin' up what you're layin' down! I do not hold back during the holiday season. This year I've promised myself to gain 10 pounds, so I've already started. Breakfast this morning was four eggs on toast and then 1/4 of a Chocolate Mousse cake with chocolate crumb crust. Then I just got back from Branson, Missouri about two hours ago where I was treated to dinner at Famous Dave's...ribs galore. Started with a fried breaded onion starter with some kind of white sauce..yum. Then came a HUGE dinner....
Soooooooooo, of course I put the cornbread muffin aside (that can be taken home and eaten later!) and plowed through a bowl of garlic mashed potatoes swimming in butter, then the bowl of bacon mixed with green beans, then the beef rib tips were 1 pound. I ate as much as I could to the point of discomfort...ended up putting the remaining four in the take-home box with the muffin. Then of course....had to have bread pudding, even though I'm sure it got pushed into a lower intestine while waiting its turn for processing. Then I waddled through the new Branson Landing (freezing my patootie off as it's cold there tonight, but what a neat place!), then came home and polished off the rest of my vanilla sugar wafers
Right now I feel slightly ill... and feel fairly certain if I were plugged into the national energy grid back and front...I could power a small state right now...
But...I'm determined to gain 10 pounds by Jan. 1st. I have a pecan pie in the fridge too
MoMark, I can ship ya some. Weight that is. I think I've already gained the 10 pounds. URGH!!!!! And I've yet to make all of my Christmas goodies.
My motto, why waste calories on salad and stuff. I want the good stuff.
I'll also volunteer 10 lbs... even 20 if you really want!
Have you heard of the comedian John Pinette? He's this hilarious big guy (looks a bit like Louis Anderson), and I love some of his philosophies on life... for instance, "Salad is not a meal, it's simply the promise of a meal to come!"
I also like the one "If you can fit it in a bowl or on a plate without any spilling over, it counts as one serving"!
Sounds good to me! Have you eaten at any Mongolian BBQs? It's so funny watching people smush the food down, to get maximum capacity from their bowls... and we wonder why Americans have a bad rep, LOL.
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but, in my defense, they are baby carrots. Is that a little better? And, I do have other things.
