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Old 12-22-2008, 12:01 PM
 
206 posts, read 636,072 times
Reputation: 145

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cr1039 View Post
penny, did I make a mistake on this? Here is what I was referring to:

My BIL & his wife are the only people I know who have ever basically planned their menu & then gave each attendee an item to prepare.

He should plan on making the entire meal if he is inviting people.

oh no I meant in my above post. the answers are soming so fast I can barely keep up. Wow, I actually generated a hot topic.
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Central Texas
20,437 posts, read 38,114,822 times
Reputation: 22676
Okay, if folks (other than family), as in everyone, aren't returning, then it's a problem. If they are, then it isn't.
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:52 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,848 posts, read 4,222,414 times
Reputation: 1204
Quote:
Originally Posted by pennylove76 View Post
No people are not wearing tuxes but people are dressed up. As for repeat guest, i's gotten to the point that it is only family. Honestly, they complain that their friends do not come and visit them even when they are in the area. As for his beer, when anyone comes to his house, there is none there (I don't even drink beer). I guess my point was to show him that it is for the most part poor etiquette. Sure there are plenty of exceptions. However, the self absorbness has become a problem. While tolerated by family, they have lost friends because of it and they wonder why. I guess I was trying to explain to him that this is one of the examples. I know you ask several questions but like cr1039 said "For them to host a party, plan a menu and tell each person what to bring is laughable."

And, whether they do or do not have waiters, a pianist or an ice sculpture, if you host a part, plan a menu & then tell everyone what to bring (provided it is not a certain type of party where everyone does that) I think it is laughable.
the only way I could imagine this is if maybe, maybe somebody was sick or just had a baby and was too busy and asked mom and or grandma to bring that famous/delish dish she makes...
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:02 PM
 
206 posts, read 636,072 times
Reputation: 145
Quote:
Originally Posted by cr1039 View Post
the only way I could imagine this is if maybe, maybe somebody was sick or just had a baby and was too busy and asked mom and or grandma to bring that famous/delish dish she makes...

I agree. Actually, when they had a baby I brought an entire lunch to last them a week. When I had a baby, they brought their appetites. In their defense I did have a baby first so I knew what would be helpful to new parents.
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,062 posts, read 16,294,815 times
Reputation: 3706
IMO, if you're hosting a dinner party and inviting people to come, you provide the food and beverages. You know the guests, their likes and dislikes, any food allergies/addictions -- you're planning a nice meal and social occasion that is tailored to your guests for the enjoyment of all!

Telling other people what to bring or inviting them to bring something is uncouth and it can actually ruin the party. What if one of your guests has a shellfish or nut allergy and someone brings a dish that contains the allergen? A proper host or hostess wants to ensure the comfort and enjoyment of his or her guests and puts effort into achieving this. Personally, I dislike when someone brings food out of the blue -- I have my dinner, serving dishes and utensils, and timing all done and it throws a wrench in the works when someone brings a dish I then have to accommodate at the last minute. Happily, that doesn't happen often.

It sounds like the BIL simply offers his home as the venue, which is an entirely different story. Either you accept those terms or you don't. One of my aunts had the largest home so she'd always do the family Christmas Eve party but all agreed it wasn't fair for her to have to provide everything so everyone helped out with the food and drinks. They planned the menu with her and brought their assigned dish. It was understood and accepted.
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Fruita, CO
849 posts, read 1,753,048 times
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This was an interesting discussion, remind me of one time when my SIL was planning an anniversary party for my in-laws. She called and told us she was only going to serve cake and ice cream. I asked her if I could brig something, she told me "cake"
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:28 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,648,587 times
Reputation: 42535
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkzone View Post
This was an interesting discussion, remind me of one time when my SIL was planning an anniversary party for my in-laws. She called and told us she was only going to serve cake and ice cream. I asked her if I could brig something, she told me "cake"
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:37 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,648,587 times
Reputation: 42535
Quote:
Originally Posted by teatime View Post
IMO, if you're hosting a dinner party and inviting people to come, you provide the food and beverages. You know the guests, their likes and dislikes, any food allergies/addictions -- you're planning a nice meal and social occasion that is tailored to your guests for the enjoyment of all!

Telling other people what to bring or inviting them to bring something is uncouth and it can actually ruin the party. What if one of your guests has a shellfish or nut allergy and someone brings a dish that contains the allergen? A proper host or hostess wants to ensure the comfort and enjoyment of his or her guests and puts effort into achieving this. Personally, I dislike when someone brings food out of the blue -- I have my dinner, serving dishes and utensils, and timing all done and it throws a wrench in the works when someone brings a dish I then have to accommodate at the last minute. Happily, that doesn't happen often.

It sounds like the BIL simply offers his home as the venue, which is an entirely different story. Either you accept those terms or you don't. One of my aunts had the largest home so she'd always do the family Christmas Eve party but all agreed it wasn't fair for her to have to provide everything so everyone helped out with the food and drinks. They planned the menu with her and brought their assigned dish. It was understood and accepted.
My family is like this, too. We usually meet at my grandma's house, Gram and Gramps fix the main dish and maybe a side or two, and the rest of us bring side dishes and desserts. For big family get-togethers, we usually do potlucks, and if we ask for specifics, Gram might suggest "salad" or "some kind of potatoes" or something like that.

It's become more and more like this over the years because my grandparents are in their 80s now, and it's not easy for them to put on a large spread for everyone. My grandparents come from larger families and are used to large crowds for dinner--I swear my Gram can stretch any meal to feed twice as many people as she planned. My friends were always welcome to come for dinner ... and bring their parents! My house is the same way. I like having people over and feeding them. But I digress.

It sounds like I am contradicting myself, I suppose. I think casual, family meals are fine as potlucks, especially when it's a typical thing. I don't think it's right to plan on someone bringing a specific dish, though, not when PLANNING. If my mom says she'll bring her pear salad, then sure, I should expect it to be there, but I'd never plan a meal and think, "OK, I'll roast the chickens, and Mom will bring the salad, and Rob will bring the green beans, and Gram will bring a couple of pies, and Jane will bring the rolls ..."
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Old 12-22-2008, 08:11 PM
 
206 posts, read 636,072 times
Reputation: 145
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
My family is like this, too. We usually meet at my grandma's house, Gram and Gramps fix the main dish and maybe a side or two, and the rest of us bring side dishes and desserts. For big family get-togethers, we usually do potlucks, and if we ask for specifics, Gram might suggest "salad" or "some kind of potatoes" or something like that.

It's become more and more like this over the years because my grandparents are in their 80s now, and it's not easy for them to put on a large spread for everyone. My grandparents come from larger families and are used to large crowds for dinner--I swear my Gram can stretch any meal to feed twice as many people as she planned. My friends were always welcome to come for dinner ... and bring their parents! My house is the same way. I like having people over and feeding them. But I digress.

It sounds like I am contradicting myself, I suppose. I think casual, family meals are fine as potlucks, especially when it's a typical thing. I don't think it's right to plan on someone bringing a specific dish, though, not when PLANNING. If my mom says she'll bring her pear salad, then sure, I should expect it to be there, but I'd never plan a meal and think, "OK, I'll roast the chickens, and Mom will bring the salad, and Rob will bring the green beans, and Gram will bring a couple of pies, and Jane will bring the rolls ..."

I completely understand someone meeting at the grandparents house and all bringing something since that is the designated meeting place where everyone can get together.

This is completely different. For the most part everyone in our little family circle has a decent sized house and we all host holiday dinners & formal dinners & bbqs, etc. My BIL is the only one that does this. It has gotten to the point where I just felt compelled to tell him how uncouth it is. I know everyone can add a different variable here or there to make their situation seem justified. And, for some, rightfully so. Like I said, we all know potlucks are different, if you are in a cooking club & everyone brings something, we are all meeting at Grandmom's house & no one expects her to cook for 40 people, etc. Those are all different from the situation here.

However, at the end of the day, if you are hosting a dinner party for 4-8 guests and you plan the menu and then invite people. You don't say we are having steak, cake, potato & salad...and then at a few days before call & say..."Oh, by the way can you bring the steak, you bring the cake, you bring the potato and you bring the salad."

If you want to do that, then from the very beginning say you want to do a potluck dinner & call it what it is.

That's just my opinion and it sounds like a lot of other people on this board went to the same school of etiquette I went to because we appear to be saying the same thing. I love the post where someone was hosting a b-day party & told the guest to bring cake.

BTW, I also think it is uncouth for a guest to show up for dinner or even an extended stay at someone's house empty handed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkzone View Post
This was an interesting discussion, remind me of one time when my SIL was planning an anniversary party for my in-laws. She called and told us she was only going to serve cake and ice cream. I asked her if I could brig something, she told me "cake"
that's so funny, wasn't there a Seinfield or Friends episode or some sitcom where the characters want to borrow an item to make grilled ham & cheese...the other character was like sure what do you need and the guy doing the cooking was like...bread, cheese, butter, a skillet, a spatula, etc ( I know this is completely different but it reminds me of that).

Last edited by Beretta; 12-22-2008 at 08:58 PM..
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Old 12-23-2008, 07:33 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,648,587 times
Reputation: 42535
Oh my gosh. If I planned a party and asked my guests to bring the main dishes, it would be a close race between my mother and grandmother to see who could get to my house first and pinch my ear off.

Sorry your brother-in-law is a bit of an oaf.
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