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When I first read the thread title, I was expecting something along the lines of the wife having a handbag addiction or something similar. To be fair though, I do know people that have literally gone into bankruptcy $2 at a time.
What you can try is this: Calculate the price differences between the items on which you disagree and discuss them with your wife. And, like you said, pick your battles. Maybe you'll see that the instant oatmeal that she will eat turns out to be ultimately less expensive than the stuff she won't. Or maybe she will see just exactly how much she's been spending just on PJs. Would seeing it in black and wife help you and your wife compromise on the spending?
Other than that, I don't know. I can understand that maybe your wife wants to buy things because of her spinal condition, but retail therapy doesn't fix anything. I must've missed it when I read through this thread, but what is her reaction when you try to discuss these things with her?
compromises are in order. here's what i recommend:
what does she like about bottled water? show her how much a gallon bottled water costs (the way she is currently purchasing it), and compare that to a gallon of gas.
Some people don't like the real oats. those instant ones are loaded with garbage though....try sprucing up the way you make your real oats and maybe you win her over.
brand soda? people like brand stuff - does she look for it on sale? i wouldn't go crazy over that one.
internet, i dunno...that's kinda a given for most people. i can see cancelling directTV though...cable is just getting insanely expensive.
it doesn't sound too bad, though the bottled water thing would drive me nuts!
I know what I like about bottled water. The bottle. You can keep it closed so when it invariably gets knocked over, there's no mess to clean up. That said -- I refill my bottles over and over. That might be the ticket here.
The oatmeal thing could be a convenience/pain factor. Of course -- instant and even quick oats takes pasty and gross to me. Maybe if you make (and doll up) your oatmeal it will make her happy that she doesn't have to do it. (My favorite is blueberry, walnuts and brown sugar in my oatmeal)
I think the real thing is, Sailor, you need to talk with your wife. Compromises can be made, and open communication is the key.
While I understand your frustration, I wonder: didn't you know about her expensive taste before you married her?
People like her generally have a keen intuitive sense about someone they marry, and she had this guy sized up from the gitgo, and knowing, historically, how hard it is for a husband to say No to a wife. She may have put on an earlier show for him, that he swallowed whole, trying to impress him with her frugality, her lack of materialistic values, and?
Once inside the door, it can take an act of Congress to get them back out!
My brother's wife keeps my brother on edge of bankruptcy, year after year after year. He failed to see the tiara on her head when he married her! Has never worked a day in their 30 year marriage. Work to her, over the years, has been spotting jobs in the paper, for my brother, which will pay more than the last job! So! You can't accuse her of being a lazy-good-for-nothing!
I've seen a number of these amusing shows, over my 62 years: frugal husband, spendthrift wife, frugal wife, spendthrift husband! Great shows to watch!
By my standards, she has expensive taste. I use a Brita water pitcher for my home drinking water while my wife insist on a 24 pack of bottled water (brand name). I use Quaker Old Fashion Oats while she uses instant packets. When I drink soda, I drink Sam's Choice Dr. Thunder while she drinks name brand soda. I wear my clothes until they either don't fit or begin to fall apart. She has a love affair with women's PJs and seems to buy new ones once or twice a month. Though I consider myself frugal, I am willing to spend more to save money in the long run like for furniture, appliances (like clothes washer/dryer), TV, and my surround sound system. We got Lazy Boy furniture, Maytag clothes washer/dryer, LED HDTV (name brand on sale of course), and a name brand surround sound system (clearance, floor model, 50% off). We also spent more to get Select Comfort beds (wife has spinal problems). I try to pick my battles when it comes to her spending. She isn't out of control and does limit her purchases, though not as much as I would like. If it were up to me, I'd drop DirecTV (though I love certain channels), internet, and our cell phones. That would save us at least $300 a month. With our TV antennas, we get 18 channels. Local public libraries offer internet access an hour at a time in addition to books and movies. However, she has spinal problems that are getting worse so there are several days a week she can't leave the home so DirecTV, internet, and cell phone are her entertainment. She wanted an iPhone, but waited until the iPhone 4 came out before we got the 3S. She's hoping the iPhone 4 is still in the store in January when we can upgrade our phone so we can get a better deal on the new phone.
Maybe you both could compromise a little? From what you describe, she sure doesn't sound like a spendthrift to me, only that she is not quite as frugal as you are. Also, you mention her having spinal problems that are getting worse, so try to understand what that is like (I have this also). The things you mention seem like rather small pleasures for someone suffering daily discomfort. Again, I believe compromise is key.
Something I don't see addressed here is income. If you both are living on her disability check, then perhaps you do need to be living closer to your level of frugalness to survive. If you are living on say 4x that much then why deny her these small pleasures? To me it seems very controlling. I live with chronic pain and sometimes those small indulgences get me thru.
I think that sometimes in these cases the wife might take an interest in selling things. It sounds like she needs some satisfying work to do since she is home bound and has lost her identity in that regard. Could she knit? Make hair bows to sell on etsy? Jewelry? Lotions? Sell used books on amazon?
My dad is disabled and spends way too much money but he is happiest when he has discovered some way to MAKE money. He also has tutored illiterate kids and given piano lessons out of his home. He gets so excited and happy when he has a new scheme. It totally eclipses the spending for awhile. He needs to feel important and in control in some way and his body has turned against him. Just a thought.
She's your wife, and you love her-- so you may wish to compromise on a few things there.
Compromise does not mean you can't drop those expenses. I'm sure that you already check in at least once a year with the providers of your monthly services (like cable) to see if there's a cheaper package. I take it that she's not willing to drop the cable entirely for unlimited Netflix?
I'm afraid these days, the internet is not just a luxury. I wouldn't quite call it a *necessity* per se... but it can be worth every penny of an inexpensive connection package. Do you check regularly to make sure that you have the cheapest package? Cable companies frequently change internet package costs, and you never know when they may have dropped it. I also shell out for my own router rather than getting one from my internet company-- it means I can avoid a contract, and so change packages whenever I feel like it. I learned that lesson the hard way after being locked into a painful $60 a month contract, when they'd dropped service costs for everyone else to $30 a month.
I'll leave you to talk to your spouse about the cell phone, but I doubt that an expensive cell phone is necessary. I just picked up my first set of smart phones, and paying outright for them, I'm still coming in under $200 for the both of us. We wouldn't be upgrading at all if some medical incidences hadn't convinced us that it was necessary. Needing a smartphone doesn't mean that you have to have the latest, or even second-latest on the market.
]I think that sometimes in these cases the wife might take an interest in selling things. It sounds like she needs some satisfying work to do since she is home bound and has lost her identity in that regard. Could she knit? Make hair bows to sell on etsy? Jewelry? Lotions? Sell used books on amazon?[/b]
My dad is disabled and spends way too much money but he is happiest when he has discovered some way toMAKE money. He also has tutored illiterate kids and given piano lessons out of his home. He gets so excited and happy when he has a new scheme. It totally eclipses the spending for awhile. He needs to feel important and in control in some way and his body has turned against him. Just a thought.
Location: Chapel Hill, NC, formerly NoVA and Phila
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It sounds like she likes convenience as far as water and oatmeal packets. Have you ever tried to make your own? For example, buy a $1.00 box of baggies (100 to a bag). Measure out the oatmeal and then put in any add-ins such as chocolate chips or brown sugar or raisins. Make up 10 bags or so, and she's got instant oatmeal packets for less of a cost. For water, get some water bottles and fill them up with water to keep in the fridge that she can grab when she's thirsty.
Why not ask her how you can reduce expenses while still having her enjoy her wants?
I agree with others that your wife doesn't sound like she is going overboard to me, she may just not be realistic on what you guys can afford. She doesn't sound like she has expensive tastes, she just isn't super frugal like you are. Some compromise may be in order here. Different things are important to different people. (If my husband decided we weren't going to have the internet anymore, we'd have a problem. To me, that is pretty much like saying we aren't going to have an oven, or we aren't going to own a car, or something. Sure you can get by without them, it is possible, but I wouldn't want to unless I had no choice.) If the internet and DirecTV are her entertainment sources, then she is going to be bored, and probably spend her time spending more money. Internet and DirecTV are pretty inexpensive vices, when you think about it. Say $100 a month, which is only about $3.33 a day. A lot of people spend more than that on coffee every day.
However, one thing that can't be compromised is honestly. In one post, you said that your wife had a secret account at one point AND that she had features put in her car that she refused to tell you the cost of. Those two items scream loudly that you have a communication problem in the marriage. Address that communication problem first and the rest may fix itself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sailordave
What I didn't know was she opened up a secret bank account and had begun squirreling away money until our 5th anniversary when she planned a trip to Disney World.
... However, it didn't have an option she wanted so she later had the dealer install Bluetooth in the car. She wouldn't tell me how much that cost.
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Also, you mention her having spinal problems that are getting worse, so try to understand what that is like (I have this also). The things you mention seem like rather small pleasures for someone suffering daily discomfort. Again, I believe compromise is key.
