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Old 03-15-2017, 10:49 PM
 
24,738 posts, read 26,803,263 times
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I don't have any answers, but I appreciate that you spelled "per se" correctly. When I see "per say", I just cringe. Uggh.
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Old 03-15-2017, 11:21 PM
 
Location: Henderson
1,107 posts, read 1,339,900 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
I'm not cheap per se but I don't **** money away. I occasionally go to Broadway shows and spend $300 on my hair 3x a year. Other than that, I don't really spend money. My dad is the opposite. He doesn't eat leftovers, he spends $20/day on lottery, he keeps the heat at 78-80, he buys what he wants at grocery without looking at sales, he has a paid off timeshare that he hasn't used in 5 years but pays the yearly fee instead of turning it in. He is a retired CO so he has income but he still lives check to check. Credit is his method of payment and he makes minimum payments on the due dates.
He will eventually come to live with me and I don't have a pension for life and I have to be on a budget. I'm ok with buying my own food and continuing my plan but it might seem passive aggressive to him. His philosophy is life is short but that's why he's 66, has never owned a house, constantly in 40k cc debt, is thrown off if his check is delayed, etc.
I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate the situation bc I don't want to be some bossy nag. One positive is the baseboard heat allows him to roast his room and not the entire house.
Anyone else have this problem with a non SO that was amicably solved? I'm really not interested in arguing about it but I'm not trying to spend extra money or be the warden, either.
I gave up trying to figure out why people do things a certain way, and maybe they don't understand why I do things my way. As long as you will not be on the hook for your fathers future medical needs or other financial obligations, let it go, you'll just get in arguments that could harm whatever relationship you have. I used to argue with my mother about wasting money and not properly preparing for the future, and all it accomplished was damaging our relationship.
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:07 AM
 
11,711 posts, read 16,457,103 times
Reputation: 16410
You say he will eventually come and live with you. What about the wife?
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:14 AM
 
5,190 posts, read 3,787,595 times
Reputation: 13140
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
I'm not cheap per se but I don't **** money away. I occasionally go to Broadway shows and spend $300 on my hair 3x a year. Other than that, I don't really spend money. My dad is the opposite. He doesn't eat leftovers, he spends $20/day on lottery, he keeps the heat at 78-80, he buys what he wants at grocery without looking at sales, he has a paid off timeshare that he hasn't used in 5 years but pays the yearly fee instead of turning it in. He is a retired CO so he has income but he still lives check to check. Credit is his method of payment and he makes minimum payments on the due dates.
He will eventually come to live with me and I don't have a pension for life and I have to be on a budget. I'm ok with buying my own food and continuing my plan but it might seem passive aggressive to him. His philosophy is life is short but that's why he's 66, has never owned a house, constantly in 40k cc debt, is thrown off if his check is delayed, etc.
I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate the situation bc I don't want to be some bossy nag. One positive is the baseboard heat allows him to roast his room and not the entire house.
Anyone else have this problem with a non SO that was amicably solved? I'm really not interested in arguing about it but I'm not trying to spend extra money or be the warden, either.

Simple.


From the date that he moves in, he pays the electric bill. (This will only work if he pays on time, though).
He eats it, he buys it.


Other than that, let him do what he wants.


Is he a retired military officer? He should have plenty of money, let him pay his way while living with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep View Post
You say he will eventually come and live with you. What about the wife?
I read the OP several times and I did not see a mention of a wife???
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:46 AM
 
3,448 posts, read 1,495,286 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep View Post
You say he will eventually come and live with you. What about the wife?
They have been living apart for 10 years but she has end stage renal failure and has been on dialysis for 6 years. He doesn't want to legally divorce her and he pays her rent, most bills, takes her to dr/dialysis.
Once she dies, he will live with me and I guess he will have a lot more money. Not to be negative but I'm surprised she's still around. She follows none of her plan. Smokes, eats the banned foods, constantly in and out of hospital for high potassium levels, falls a lot, seizures, etc. He tried to get her to assisted living but she won't go.
She's even worse than him with food. One bite and won't touch it again.
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Old 03-16-2017, 10:46 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
21,004 posts, read 25,781,024 times
Reputation: 39390
OP, you simply must learn to say "no". Let him do whatever he wants with his own money, but refuse to give him even a penny of yours (don't bail him out). Continue life as you live it now, just put a little more water in the soup so you can set another plate.

If he wants a higher lifestyle, tell him you can't afford it, but he is welcome to pay for his own upgrades.

Honestly, he sounds like he is a great guy, not abandoning the sick wife. I'd sit down with him and discuss the issue and maybe wait for him to volunteer to pick up some of the expenses; maybe some extra bags of groceries of things he likes to eat, and maybe picking up the electric bill, or the cable bill, or something else to help out. Based upon the level of support that he gives to his sick wife, he is very unlikely to move in and be a total leech.

You are not going to change his spending habits at this late stage so make up your mind to simply ignore how he works his own budget. You'll save yourself a lot of stress
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Old 03-16-2017, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,436 posts, read 24,216,791 times
Reputation: 24749
When and if the time comes for them to move in with you everything needs to be negotiated in advance. 2 of them...1 of you so they pay 2/3 of the rent/utilities/condo fees, whatever is associated. Food will be an issue and you need to decide if meals are to be shared. Or you may be able to say I spend X per month on food and household supplies and that's what I will contribute. Or you can just split up the space in the fridge.

I cared for my parents and I paid for everything. That was the wrong thing to do because they had the money to pay their own way. I should have let them pay!!!!
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:37 PM
 
3,448 posts, read 1,495,286 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
When and if the time comes for them to move in with you everything needs to be negotiated in advance. 2 of them...1 of you so they pay 2/3 of the rent/utilities/condo fees, whatever is associated. Food will be an issue and you need to decide if meals are to be shared. Or you may be able to say I spend X per month on food and household supplies and that's what I will contribute. Or you can just split up the space in the fridge.

I cared for my parents and I paid for everything. That was the wrong thing to do because they had the money to pay their own way. I should have let them pay!!!!
She's not moving in with me. Just him. He'd probably pay for everything if I let him. He's not a mooch.

Last edited by hellob; 03-16-2017 at 06:45 PM..
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:44 PM
 
3,448 posts, read 1,495,286 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
OP, you simply must learn to say "no". Let him do whatever he wants with his own money, but refuse to give him even a penny of yours (don't bail him out). Continue life as you live it now, just put a little more water in the soup so you can set another plate.

If he wants a higher lifestyle, tell him you can't afford it, but he is welcome to pay for his own upgrades.

Honestly, he sounds like he is a great guy, not abandoning the sick wife. I'd sit down with him and discuss the issue and maybe wait for him to volunteer to pick up some of the expenses; maybe some extra bags of groceries of things he likes to eat, and maybe picking up the electric bill, or the cable bill, or something else to help out. Based upon the level of support that he gives to his sick wife, he is very unlikely to move in and be a total leech.

You are not going to change his spending habits at this late stage so make up your mind to simply ignore how he works his own budget. You'll save yourself a lot of stress
He is a great guy and I'm not worried about him leeching off me. He's not like that. In fact, he's too nice to people and that's why he's in debt.
My issue is that we view money differently and even though I think he's foolish with it, he does have the pension and SS for life as well as handyman jobs he picks up. So, even though he's got bad habits, he also has guaranteed income until he dies. I'm not in that situation so I can't live the same way. I'm still in the working/saving stage.
However, I'm probably overthinking it bc once his wife dies he will have a lot of income freed up.
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Old 03-16-2017, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
5,749 posts, read 3,188,773 times
Reputation: 13516
I dated a frugal guy, but he was only frugal with his money... not mine.
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