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Old 12-10-2018, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,486 posts, read 16,181,444 times
Reputation: 18299

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I desperately want kids, but don't know that I will be able to afford them.



Much of that is because both my parents and my partner's parents took the attitude below:



Quote:
Originally Posted by Capitalprophets View Post
One should not interfere with the natural process of life. You should let kids happen and let everything turn out for the best eventually. I have friends who don't want to get married for that same reason. I don't agree with that ideology. There are people in this world who would give up the world to have kids. Kids are a gift from God and you shouldn't consider them a financial burden.

Both sets of parents were middle to lower-middle class when they had kids. The mother stayed at home through our childhoods, giving up career growth and retirement savings to do so. As a result, when both sets of parents experienced financial hardship associated with health issues where the wife had to go back to work, the wife was never able to get back on the career track after 5 to 10 years out of the workforce. Even with a master's degree, my mom was never able to earn enough to support us adequately - much less save for retirement or anything else.


Now my partner and I are 30 year old middle class professionals staring down a future where daycare costs $24,000+ a year, home ownership is out of reach thanks to his law school debt, and there's no possibility for either of us to stay at home. We also have two sets of parents in their 60s who have nothing saved for retirement and mortgaged homes that have lost value who have health issues of those in their 80s. While we're not necessarily responsible for them, they certainly have made it clear that their retirement plan was their children. It's easier for me to walk away from my parents than my partner, who is an only child and even started a business that they work for in order to help support them.



Because our parents decided to wing it and hope that things would get better, they have kicked the can down the road so that it has become their adult childrens' problems right when we are considering if we should have children.



Excuse me if I'm not a fan of "not interfering with the natural process of life."
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Old 12-10-2018, 10:54 AM
 
Location: NJ
23,055 posts, read 28,991,083 times
Reputation: 14935
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
I desperately want kids, but don't know that I will be able to afford them.

Much of that is because both my parents and my partner's parents took the attitude below:

Both sets of parents were middle to lower-middle class when they had kids. The mother stayed at home through our childhoods, giving up career growth and retirement savings to do so. As a result, when both sets of parents experienced financial hardship associated with health issues where the wife had to go back to work, the wife was never able to get back on the career track after 5 to 10 years out of the workforce. Even with a master's degree, my mom was never able to earn enough to support us adequately - much less save for retirement or anything else.


Now my partner and I are 30 year old middle class professionals staring down a future where daycare costs $24,000+ a year, home ownership is out of reach thanks to his law school debt, and there's no possibility for either of us to stay at home. We also have two sets of parents in their 60s who have nothing saved for retirement and mortgaged homes that have lost value who have health issues of those in their 80s. While we're not necessarily responsible for them, they certainly have made it clear that their retirement plan was their children. It's easier for me to walk away from my parents than my partner, who is an only child and even started a business that they work for in order to help support them.



Because our parents decided to wing it and hope that things would get better, they have kicked the can down the road so that it has become their adult childrens' problems right when we are considering if we should have children.



Excuse me if I'm not a fan of "not interfering with the natural process of life."
do your parents regret having you?
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:11 AM
 
10,680 posts, read 5,161,912 times
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We got married late, in our 30s so money was not a reason for not having kids. However, I had no problem getting pregnant, my kids used to say their friends called me bionic woman after they told them all the facts. So I popped one just before I turned 31 and another one just before I turned 36. Super fertile. I could pop out one more when I was in fertile period but my husband said two was enough. I’m glad I did decide to have kids. I did work in Silicon Valley, back then we put our kids in high quality day care, easily 1/3 of my income went to child care. So what, there more money to be made. My salary was just a stipend to wait before I could harvest on my stock options. I hope my kids will decide to have kids. It’s been arich experience for us. We still retired early, 55 for me.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,486 posts, read 16,181,444 times
Reputation: 18299
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainNJ View Post
do your parents regret having you?

My parents are abusive, didn't show up emotionally, financially, or physically when I was facing stage IV cancer (while engaging in a two week trip to Europe, so money was not really the concern), and have limited contact with either of their adult children.



Do they regret having me? No. Do I regret having them? Absolutely.



Their regret seems to primarily stem from how both of their adult children have made it clear that we are not responsible for their retirement because they thought that's how it was supposed to "work out." At least I can be thankful that their poor behavior made it easy to walk away.


My partner's parents don't regret having him. Without him, they would be homeless.


I would never regret having children, but I would hate myself if I brought children into the world and then had to look at them with my hand out because my choice to have children hindered my ability to buy a home, save for retirement, or be prepared for job loss, a relapse of my cancer, or other curveballs that life throws at me.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:41 AM
 
Location: NJ
23,055 posts, read 28,991,083 times
Reputation: 14935
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
My parents are abusive, didn't show up emotionally, financially, or physically when I was facing stage IV cancer (while engaging in a two week trip to Europe, so money was not really the concern), and have limited contact with either of their adult children.



Do they regret having me? No. Do I regret having them? Absolutely.



Their regret seems to primarily stem from how both of their adult children have made it clear that we are not responsible for their retirement because they thought that's how it was supposed to "work out." At least I can be thankful that their poor behavior made it easy to walk away.


My partner's parents don't regret having him. Without him, they would be homeless.


I would never regret having children, but I would hate myself if I brought children into the world and then had to look at them with my hand out because my choice to have children hindered my ability to buy a home, save for retirement, or be prepared for job loss, a relapse of my cancer, or other curveballs that life throws at me.
looks like a win for both sets of parents.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:44 AM
 
10,680 posts, read 5,161,912 times
Reputation: 7142
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainNJ View Post
looks like a win for both sets of parents.
Yes, I’m thankful for my parents and my husband’s parents. I can’t believe some of the stories I’ve read online. Feel extremely blessed even though mine were not perfect.
But perception is the key. Even for my husband’s parents, from his point of view they were very good parents, my SIL however still resents my MIL. So who knows. But she’s a crack pot as far as I can tell.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,486 posts, read 16,181,444 times
Reputation: 18299
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainNJ View Post
looks like a win for both sets of parents.

And a loss for both sets of children.


Is that really a win for choosing to have children and hoping for the best?
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Old 12-10-2018, 12:39 PM
 
9,436 posts, read 3,963,150 times
Reputation: 13979
What's the financial costs of being old and having no kids to look after you? Paying someone to care for you is as expensive as raising children
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Old 12-10-2018, 12:54 PM
 
10,680 posts, read 5,161,912 times
Reputation: 7142
They may not look after you though, they may help manage your money when you have cognitive decline.
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Old 12-10-2018, 12:56 PM
 
9,436 posts, read 3,963,150 times
Reputation: 13979
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
They may not look after you though, they may help manage your money when you have cognitive decline.
The nurse may not do that even if you pay them... You at least have a lifetime to teach the kids
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