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Old 11-21-2009, 08:23 AM
 
1,782 posts, read 2,734,653 times
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My husband is an attorney and I'm a writer. Before I met him, I'd been single for almost six years and I'd lived on $12,000 a year or less. I lived a pretty decent lifestyle. I had no debt, I didn't have television or cable tv, and I watched every dollar. I had health insurance with a $10,000 deductible and that suited me just fine.

And by this time, my kids had grown and flown the coop, so there were no kid expenses. Honestly, it wasn't hard to live a good life on $12,000 a year, but then again, I'm a really frugal person.

Here's my question: I'm now (recently) married to a guy who also believes in "no debt" but he spends a lot of money on a lot of stuff. I'd rather live like a pauper and save for our upcoming retirement but he says he'd rather "enjoy the moment" and live each day. Fortunately, he's got a decent income so we can still save, even with his "bon vivant" spending.

But - it's annoying to watch him spend $27 in one night on three glasses of Pinot Noir (at $9 a pop). Anyone else in my boat? How did you resolve it?

He makes all the money. My income is still quite modest.

Rose
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Old 11-21-2009, 10:08 AM
 
Location: UK
296 posts, read 801,392 times
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Well, if he is spending his own income I guess there is not much you can do about it.

I would get him to support me and then I would bank all of my salary.
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Old 11-21-2009, 10:11 AM
 
784 posts, read 2,725,935 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plain Jane 3953 View Post
Well, if he is spending his own income I guess there is not much you can do about it.

I would get him to support me and then I would bank all of my salary.
Um no. Your husband is not an ATM.

To the OP: It's his money, he can do with it what he wants.
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Old 11-21-2009, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,159,565 times
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Look, it may seem strange to you, but if he's piling a bunch away in savings before he spends whatever's left, what's the big deal?

I don't think there is any reason not to spend money if you can afford it. He is still saving for your retirement, from what you're telling me.

I have never understood the idea of being frugal just for the sake of being frugal.
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Old 11-21-2009, 11:05 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,341 posts, read 47,314,292 times
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He has the money and he is saving.
$9 for a glass wine is not over the top....

Sounds like you need to loosen up a bit!
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Old 11-21-2009, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,945,334 times
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It's tough because the two of you didn't 'grow up' together financially. Yes, it would drive me crazy to see someone spend $30 on 3 glasses of wine. But he has a lot more discretionary income than you do. As long as he is debt free and saves a considerable amount of money, learn to enjoy it.

In some ways, he is right. You do have to live in the moment. If all you do is scrimp and save for that glorious retirement, you will miss what should have been some of the best times of your life. You can't always live for the future. We all have to find balance.

I know too many people who didn't do much but save for retirement. No fun, no vacations. When that magic moment came, they either got sick or died without enjoying much of it. Balance. You live for today and tomorrow. Neither today nor tomorrow will be perfect but you get to enjoy both of them.
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Old 11-21-2009, 02:30 PM
 
3,737 posts, read 12,365,926 times
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Being an accountant (retired now) I have always watched and accounted for every penny earned and spent. DH on the other hand is an impulse shopper and is addicted to gadgets (I keep him away from late night infomercials whenever possible) So...how does it work? We accept each other for the good things we love and understand that we can still be individuals as well as a couple. Yes, DH's spending irritates me at times and my "obsession with numbers to the Nth degree" has him gritting his teeth but we deal with it because our marriage and relationship is more important than money. You have to decide, is he a good man? If so, is it worth it to fight over $30.00 in wine that gives him pleasure? Especially when you are still saving. As for me and DH.... I still run my spreadsheets and forecast our expenses to the penny and he still orders and collects the gadgets that give him such a kick. Luckily - we have the space to store them.
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Old 11-21-2009, 03:04 PM
 
Location: NJ
2,111 posts, read 7,937,864 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plain Jane 3953 View Post
Well, if he is spending his own income I guess there is not much you can do about it.

I would get him to support me and then I would bank all of my salary.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCAnalyst View Post
Um no. Your husband is not an ATM.

To the OP: It's his money, he can do with it what he wants.
I'm a male and I don't agree with these statements. I also am from the old school of "it's our money." I really don't know how couples work things today, if they pool their money together and one manages it to pay the bills. You each keep some spending money. To me , this is how it should be. Every spouse has to have limits on spending or how else will you be able to save for a house, car, vacation etc.

When one spouse is a big spender, he/she is spending "our" money!!! I'm more frugal than DW and a better saver. I too can have that addiction to gadgets, lol, but I know this so I don't shop or when I do, some of it goes back......lol. I also am the main breadwinner so I have more to say. She knows that, that's why we have everything we need, and nice things. Frugal is not being cheap!!!
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Old 11-21-2009, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, NC, formerly NoVA and Phila
9,766 posts, read 15,721,918 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Va-Cat View Post
Being an accountant (retired now) I have always watched and accounted for every penny earned and spent. DH on the other hand is an impulse shopper and is addicted to gadgets (I keep him away from late night infomercials whenever possible) So...how does it work? We accept each other for the good things we love and understand that we can still be individuals as well as a couple. Yes, DH's spending irritates me at times and my "obsession with numbers to the Nth degree" has him gritting his teeth but we deal with it because our marriage and relationship is more important than money. You have to decide, is he a good man? If so, is it worth it to fight over $30.00 in wine that gives him pleasure? Especially when you are still saving. As for me and DH.... I still run my spreadsheets and forecast our expenses to the penny and he still orders and collects the gadgets that give him such a kick. Luckily - we have the space to store them.

You sound just like me and my husband. I was a finance major, though. ;-) I have all of our investments and our budget on a spreadsheet which I update 4 times a year. He loves to go out and buy cell phones, GPSs, tools, etc. We've come to a decent agreement on it. I still keep track of everything and he's "supposed" to discuss any purchases over $50. Sometimes he forgets, though. What I do is self-automate our retirement and college spending so whatever is left over he can spend as he wishes, and I don't have to worry that the big things aren't getting covered.
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Old 11-21-2009, 03:25 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
2,221 posts, read 5,262,084 times
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DW and I always looked at it from a contingency point of view...what if something happened and I couldn't work (medical issues, job loss, economy etc)--being ahead of the curve is always a good thing when disaster strikes. And on the flip-side, we figured that if I did get to work straight through without a serious financial emergency, that meant getting to the retirement goal line much earlier (I got there at age 48).

I think that it's much better to save aggressively up-front and reap the fruits of your labors worry-free and young enough to enjoy them. Maybe putting it into that context might shift his behavior a little...or not. For us, extreme saving worked. We still had fun along the way, just without debt and without spending on luxury cars, big houses, expensive vacations, jewelry, regular eating-out etc. I wouldn't trade what we have now for any of those things.
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