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Old 10-17-2016, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Oregon
688 posts, read 965,907 times
Reputation: 2214

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Hello All,

This is my first post in this forum so excuse me if this topic has been discussed to death already.

My husband, retired, 60+ years old was adopted as a baby. He's always had the name of his birth mother (via his birth certificate) but never really seemed to have interest in learning about his origins. Just this past few months he's had a change of heart. He took advantage of the free period on ancestry.com and was able to trace his family lineage and found out that he has 4 living siblings. His mother passed several years ago.

After he'd researched as far as possible on his own, he located a professional genealogist who happens to live not far from the brothers and sisters. The pro was able to fill in most of the gaps and locate their current addresses. My husband decided to write to them all and introduce himself. I'm not sure he even knows what to wish for here nor what to expect good or bad.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Has anyone contacted their birth family later in life? I'm trying to just stay out of it, but also worry that he may be completely rejected with a brief brush off or not contacted at all. I would love to hear from others in a similar situation.

Also want to mention that my husband is a British citizen living in America and his siblings all reside in England.
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Old 10-17-2016, 07:47 PM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
915 posts, read 1,616,987 times
Reputation: 1992
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaylaM View Post
Hello All,

This is my first post in this forum so excuse me if this topic has been discussed to death already.

My husband, retired, 60+ years old was adopted as a baby. He's always had the name of his birth mother (via his birth certificate) but never really seemed to have interest in learning about his origins. Just this past few months he's had a change of heart. He took advantage of the free period on ancestry.com and was able to trace his family lineage and found out that he has 4 living siblings. His mother passed several years ago.

After he'd researched as far as possible on his own, he located a professional genealogist who happens to live not far from the brothers and sisters. The pro was able to fill in most of the gaps and locate their current addresses. My husband decided to write to them all and introduce himself. I'm not sure he even knows what to wish for here nor what to expect good or bad.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Has anyone contacted their birth family later in life? I'm trying to just stay out of it, but also worry that he may be completely rejected with a brief brush off or not contacted at all. I would love to hear from others in a similar situation.

Also want to mention that my husband is a British citizen living in America and his siblings all reside in England.
It's a difficult situation. RIght now I have a fourth cousin and I'm the first blood relative she's ever "met" because I contacted the administrator on the tree where she had been added after marrying the person's son. She was a DNA match (the DIL) to my first cousin and I and I often pursue leads where both first cousin and I match someone. Since the DIL was adopted, that contact introduced her to my family thus her blood relatives. We're presently working together with what information she has. It's exciting and I thought we had it but not quite. And it got me thinking that while she and I were excited that there was the reality that the birth family might not see it the same. It doesn't alter my helping her - she is delightful and I would want to know .

For your husband, that is the risk....he may be disappointed in what he finds/and he might not be accepted by an unhappy family that finds out a secret they didn't know. A close friend experienced the rejection when she went to meet her birth father. The indifference on his part. But she needed to close that door. I would be there to share your husband's quest ; maybe read some stories of others and talk about it. And if it works out well, celebrate with him. If not, then it's an interesting story for him t o write about as he will have a perspective either way that helps someone else in the future.

Can you imagine with some of the genetic stuff going on now how mixed up DNA research for genealogy will become? We may be getting in before it isn't so easy..

Best to you and your husband. Praying for the uniting of a family.
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Old 10-17-2016, 09:56 PM
 
Location: Oregon
688 posts, read 965,907 times
Reputation: 2214
mzfroggez,

Thanks so much for your reply. One of the biggest surprises with this whole thing is that my husband's birth mother actually went on to have a total of 5 additional children - 2 before him and 3 after, apparently with the same husband. We have not been able to verify that this man is my husband's father, since he's not on the birth certificate. My husband was, however, given his name.

It sounds like quite a soap opera, doesn't it?
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Old 10-19-2016, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
12,863 posts, read 13,163,727 times
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Layla - we are in the process of attempting to make contact with my wife's "newfound sister". Here's the thread I started about it in May:


http://www.city-data.com/forum/genea...th-mother.html
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Old 10-19-2016, 04:24 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
10,194 posts, read 17,733,049 times
Reputation: 13903
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaylaM View Post
mzfroggez,

Thanks so much for your reply. One of the biggest surprises with this whole thing is that my husband's birth mother actually went on to have a total of 5 additional children - 2 before him and 3 after, apparently with the same husband. We have not been able to verify that this man is my husband's father, since he's not on the birth certificate. My husband was, however, given his name.

It sounds like quite a soap opera, doesn't it?
It does seem strange that they would give him up for adoption if he was born in wedlock, unless the mother had an affair or something. Or unless they really couldn't afford another child at that time (still, you'd think they would have given him to a relative or friend instead).
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Old 10-19-2016, 07:53 PM
 
Location: Oregon
688 posts, read 965,907 times
Reputation: 2214
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScoPro View Post
Layla - we are in the process of attempting to make contact with my wife's "newfound sister". Here's the thread I started about it in May:


http://www.city-data.com/forum/genea...th-mother.html
Thanks, I'll check it out. Other stories are both helpful and reassuring.
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Old 10-19-2016, 08:45 PM
 
Location: zippidy doo dah
915 posts, read 1,616,987 times
Reputation: 1992
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaylaM View Post
mzfroggez,

Thanks so much for your reply. One of the biggest surprises with this whole thing is that my husband's birth mother actually went on to have a total of 5 additional children - 2 before him and 3 after, apparently with the same husband. We have not been able to verify that this man is my husband's father, since he's not on the birth certificate. My husband was, however, given his name.

It sounds like quite a soap opera, doesn't it?
Oh,you would be amazed.....I think maybe soap operas are truer to life than we ever thought.
No one can do ancestry and not find some amazing surprises. Such a journey. I've had relatives that went out for a pack of cigarettes and didn't get back for 27 years. Now there's a soap opera regular. His wife had him declared dead and remarried which he didn't realize when he showed up again, fortunately dying shortly thereafter and apparently never aware that she had "deserted" him. Sigh - ya gotta wonder.

Another mother of six put the baby in the newspaper and someone "got " her. I saw the story as the family that "got" the baby and changed her name were accused of doing that to keep the husband out of the draft for WWI. HE WENT TO JAIL!!! And the baby was returned. Ironically, it was that baby that in the final years of her mom's life took care of her. I try not to wonder about the mom. No one knows what someone is going through and I guess baby number 6 broke the camel's back...........what a legacy. We all have our moments.


If his siblings do welcome him with open arms, DNA testing through Ancestry would likely reveal some answers concerning the father. The matches with them will b e stronger if they all do have the same dad. If not, that will show as well. I think it is a quest of everyone to understand their roots. Even those not adopted, finding out "who are my people?" is a wonderous adventure. I have so fallen in love with them, even with the warts and bruises.

Keep us informed on the responses from his siblings. Would love to hear how it goes and will keep you all in prayer . As Tevya and Golda shared in the song, "it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change a thing. But after twenty five years, it's nice to know."
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Old 10-20-2016, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Oregon
688 posts, read 965,907 times
Reputation: 2214
We're kind of on pins and needles at the moment, since the siblings have received and read the letters by now. If DH does make a (trusting and open) connection there, DNA testing would definitely be an important step forward. Ugh, it will be really awful, though, if they don't bother to respond at all!
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Old 10-20-2016, 08:02 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
10,194 posts, read 17,733,049 times
Reputation: 13903
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaylaM View Post
We're kind of on pins and needles at the moment, since the siblings have received and read the letters by now. If DH does make a (trusting and open) connection there, DNA testing would definitely be an important step forward. Ugh, it will be really awful, though, if they don't bother to respond at all!
If they don't respond, it's unlikely to be because they just can't be bothered. They might be denial, they might be upset by it, but I doubt very much they'll be indifferent to it.
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Old 10-20-2016, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Oregon
688 posts, read 965,907 times
Reputation: 2214
Thanks PA2UK. So many variables. I think, at least from my point of view, I'd rather them not respond at all then to write letters of denial. He did send them each a copy of his birth certificate with their mother's name on it (all ID #s crossed out for security reasons). Could they still question that?
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