Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I wasn't too sure where to place this, but since I'm currently in the process of doing some research on family ancestry while dealing with this issue, I figured this would be the best place to post this.
At the age of 18, I can't really say I know any of my family outside of my mom and dad. I have never been to a family reunion, never been to a family dinner during the holidays, never have attended any major family event, and have never been invited to any family gatherings. The only time my family will ever really 'get together' is during a funeral, and not even during those do all our family show up. To complicate matters even further, I'm the only child in my family so I don't really anyone else other than my parents in terms of any family. Two of my grandparents have passed away, and the other 2 currently live in a developing nation and don't even speak any English. I made an attempt this summer to go on Facebook and contact the current family I know are alive and invite them to my high school graduation, and many were apprehensive or not really willing to talk about much with me. Most of them didn't even want to add me despite barely even knowing who I was. Often times I found myself sending messages that would never be responded to, and could only help but feel patronized in my helpless situation.
I'm coming forward to these forums today because I really don't know what to do. My situation really haunts me and my parents and extended family are unwilling to interact with one another. As hard as it is to confess, it really is depressing every holiday seeing every child at my school talk about their family plans during holidays and scrolling through facebook and seeing family gatherings, while I sit helplessly in what seems like a situation I have no affect over. This May I will be graduating, and I have to say I'm a bit scared to invite my family over, in the fear that I will either be rejected, or simply ignored.
If there's any advice on what I can in this situation, it would really mean a lot.
Are you trying to contact fairly close relatives, such as aunts and uncles and first cousins?
Have your parents said anything that might explain their estrangement from their families? Do they ever talk about their family? Or have you noticed a big difference between your parents and their siblings when you saw them at funerals (education levels, religion, politics)? Look for clues that may help explain things (did they marry very young, did they only know each a short time, was your mom pregnant when she got married, did they immediately move far away)? Do your parents have a lot of other, non-family, friends? If the answer is "No", that may help explain why the family does not get along with them or they may prefer to be alone.
IMHO, it is somewhat unusual for a couple to be estranged from both sides of the family but it does happen.
Frankly, I would not invite your relatives to a party or HS graduation celebration before you understand more what is going on, because they may feel that you are just looking for gifts. What did your parents say when you told them that you wanted to invite your relatives?
Now, you could write your aunts and uncles, individually, and say that you would like to get tp know them better and you would like to meet for coffee sometime or chat on the phone or exchange emails.
Also, be forewarned that you may end up finding out things that you wish that you did not know. Sometimes, family break-ups are for simple reasons (perhaps, they married out of their family's religion or culture) or for minor reasons (your parents or the rest of their family are self-centered jerks) for no reasons at all and other times they are because of very, very serious reasons (sexual abuse, incest, physical abuse, violence, drugs, criminal activities) caused by them or that they were subjected to as children. As a teacher, I have been aware of some pretty horrible family situations involving those things. I could imagine that, at least in some of the situations, when those children became adults they would want to keep their childhood experiences, pain & unhappiness private from their children.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-27-2016 at 07:42 AM..
Brizita: The hunger for family cuts very deep and wounds you internally. But, not everyone but you has wonderful holidays with family surrounding them. This is a falsehood that TV has portrayed endlessly. These ads are wishful thinking. Most of the time, it's not reality.
I hope you will continue to reach out to some of those in your family that can tell you what really must have happened to cause this rift. I imagine Christmas will be difficult for you as well, but keep trying to find information. Perhaps you will hit on just one aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. who will share with you what you need to know.
Like Germaine said, I would not just go inviting everyone to your graduation. But I do hope you will find those who truly do care about you to attend this great event !
I would concentrate on one relative at a time. Try to build a relationship even if it is only lunch once a year. Then move on to the next one. Then maybe they will start to talk among themselves and who knows what it can grow into.
Are you trying to contact fairly close relatives, such as aunts and uncles and first cousins?
Have your parents said anything that might explain their estrangement from their families? Do they ever talk about their family? Or have you noticed a big difference between your parents and their siblings when you saw them at funerals (education levels, religion, politics)? Look for clues that may help explain things (did they marry very young, did they only know each a short time, was your mom pregnant when she got married, did they immediately move far away)? Do your parents have a lot of other, non-family, friends? If the answer is "No", that may help explain why the family does not get along with them or they may prefer to be alone.
IMHO, it is somewhat unusual for a couple to be estranged from both sides of the family but it does happen.
Frankly, I would not invite your relatives to a party or HS graduation celebration before you understand more what is going on, because they may feel that you are just looking for gifts. What did your parents say when you told them that you wanted to invite your relatives?
Now, you could write your aunts and uncles, individually, and say that you would like to get tp know them better and you would like to meet for coffee sometime or chat on the phone or exchange emails.
Also, be forewarned that you may end up finding out things that you wish that you did not know. Sometimes, family break-ups are for simple reasons (perhaps, they married out of their family's religion or culture) or for minor reasons (your parents or the rest of their family are self-centered jerks) for no reasons at all and other times they are because of very, very serious reasons (sexual abuse, incest, physical abuse, violence, drugs, criminal activities) caused by them or that they were subjected to as children. As a teacher, I have been aware of some pretty horrible family situations involving those things. I could imagine that, at least in some of the situations, when those children became adults they would want to keep their childhood experiences, pain & unhappiness private from their children.
Good luck.
Quote:
I would concentrate on one relative at a time. Try to build a relationship even if it is only lunch once a year. Then move on to the next one. Then maybe they will start to talk among themselves and who knows what it can grow into.
It will take time no matter how you go about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhxBarb
Brizita: The hunger for family cuts very deep and wounds you internally. But, not everyone but you has wonderful holidays with family surrounding them. This is a falsehood that TV has portrayed endlessly. These ads are wishful thinking. Most of the time, it's not reality.
I hope you will continue to reach out to some of those in your family that can tell you what really must have happened to cause this rift. I imagine Christmas will be difficult for you as well, but keep trying to find information. Perhaps you will hit on just one aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. who will share with you what you need to know.
Like Germaine said, I would not just go inviting everyone to your graduation. But I do hope you will find those who truly do care about you to attend this great event !
Thank you all responding to this post. Even responses as low as the count of three really mean the world to me right now.
@germaine,
As I'm sure many of your questions are rhetorical, I won't answer them all. However, I do feel its worth noting that my knowledge on the family 'feud' is unfortunately only limited to my parent's perspective since their side of the story is all I have ever been exposed to. Mind you, this is the one side of the family that lives in the United States and speaks English. Months back, it seemed that during my communication with extended family on Facebook, most family either didn't want to reveal anything about their personal life, or were apprehensive to give out any private information. In fact, one of my family members questioned me when I went 'quiet' after a month of non-communication, claiming that it was suspicious that I hadn't been in touch since I first made contact. This was especially patronizing considering the fact I was at a loss for words on how to respond given my unique situation.
So far, my great uncle, who appears to be now our family patriarch since the death of my grandmother, pledged to go to my graduation. I've been out of touch with these people since the summer, and now that graduation is right around the corner, I really don't know how to act. I'm debating whether I should ask them for their addresses so I could write them, but even then I'm hesitant in fear some people feel I may be trying to act in a deceitful manner.
At the end of the day, all I really want to do is get to know my family. Unfortunately, I was born into this world with a family at odds with one another, and the circumstances of being an only child really exacerbate my anguish in this current condition I'm in. I know it may be fantasy like at this point, but I'd really just love the comfort of having at least one family dinner in my life.
So far, my great uncle, who appears to be now our family patriarch since the death of my grandmother, pledged to go to my graduation. I've been out of touch with these people since the summer, and now that graduation is right around the corner, I really don't know how to act. I'm debating whether I should ask them for their addresses so I could write them, but even then I'm hesitant in fear some people feel I may be trying to act in a deceitful manner.
IMHO, start with your great uncle, the family patriarch. Invite him to your graduation and tell him that you would welcome contact with other family members.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brizita
. However, I do feel its worth noting that my knowledge on the family 'feud' is unfortunately only limited to my parent's perspective since their side of the story is all I have ever been exposed to.
What do your parents say about the feud? Do they appear to be genuinely bewildered by what is going on? Or do you think that they really know what it is about but do not want to tell you the truth? Have they tried to contact family members over the years but are rebuffed?
[quote=Brizita;46333920At the end of the day, all I really want to do is get to know my family. Unfortunately, I was born into this world with a family at odds with one another, and the circumstances of being an only child really exacerbate my anguish in this current condition I'm in. I know it may be fantasy like at this point, but I'd really just love the comfort of having at least one family dinner in my life.[/QUOTE]
I am sure that you have had hundreds of "family dinners" with you and your mom & dad. THAT is your family. You may dream about dinners with extended family but that is something different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Have your parents said anything that might explain their estrangement from their families? Do they ever talk about their family? Or have you noticed a big difference between your parents and their siblings when you saw them at funerals (education levels, religion, politics)? Look for clues that may help explain things (did they marry very young, did they only know each a short time, was your mom pregnant when she got married, did they immediately move far away)? Do your parents have a lot of other, non-family, friends? If the answer is "No", that may help explain why the family does not get along with them or they may prefer to be alone.
You are 18, that is old enough to have figured out a lot about your parents, their life styles and their personalities. I am NOT saying that your parents are at fault but it is something to consider as Red Flags. As an example, let's say that all of your extended relatives are devote Catholics and your parents are extremely, extremely vocal that there is not a God. That could cause some very serious problems in some families.
Also, not every family is as close as a Norman Rockwell painting. I personally know family members who "love each other" but have very limited contact simply because that is their personality and that is how they were raised. I know a family where the only contact the adult children (and grandchildren) have with their father/grandfather is seeing him on Christmas and sending him a birthday card and the entire family lives 30 to 60 minutes apart from each other. The three brothers & their families see each other on Christmas and that is it. It appears that everyone loves each other and everyone is happy with that amount of contact.
OTOH, I knew a family where all the adult children & grandchildren have had dinner together at least twice a week, for decades. For that family, that was what was normal and expected.
Most families are somewhere in the middle.
Heck, my hubby and I are in our middle 60s. For decades, I have talked to my sister, who lives out of state, on the phone about once a week and I usually see her several times a year. For decades, my husband talks to his sister, who lives out of state, on the phone about once a year and sees her once every few years. Yet, we probably both love our sisters equally. Different families have different amounts of contact with each other.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-28-2016 at 01:15 PM..
Yes this probably belongs in relationships non-romantic but since you posted in the genealogy forum, why don't you research your family ancestors? This would give you a topic to talk to your great uncle about.
On a personal note, I detest being invited to graduations of anyone I do not have a close relationship with because I consider it as a gift grab. I would not invite people you do not know quite well to your graduation/wedding/festivities.
You probably have a better chance of developing a Facebook type chat relationship with a "cousin" of similar age rather than someone of another generation.
I agree with others who have said not all families are warm & fuzzy. If you do not have a close relationship with extended members of your family at this age, you likely will not ever have one. But you can make friends "family" and you can include the family of future romantic partners in your family celebrations. Once you get out on your own & get started in the world, you can change the dynamic and host celebrations & activities & build the big "family" you want.
Family can be by choice rather than blood. Seek out like minded individuals who share your cultural values and goals. Be open and willing to communicate. Wishing you the best.
Sometimes if we are lonely and away from family, especially during the holidays it helps to volunteer at shelters or senior homes. In your case perhaps even volunteering with new immigrants from your culture. Volunteering allows you to interact with others who may also be lonely and it really helps you feel needed.
I personally always think that we get as much from volunteering as we give to others, it is a wonderful thing to do in my opinion....And it has helped me feel part of a community during situations in my life when I was new to an area, or feeling lonely for family that lived States away.
It also gives you the opportunity to meet other volunteers which can over time become friends, and sometimes friends who we get to know closely can become as close as family.
I'm sorry that you feel disconnected from your extended family. It certainly isn't by your choosing. Stay in touch with your Uncle....over time others may be more open to being in touch with you. Be consistent in contacting them, taking months to re contact someone after you initiated contact sounds like it put a couple of folks off....Just explain that you are very busy working in school towards graduation and you would enjoy being able to visit occasionally and just keep trying, be consistent.
Meanwhile work on developing some day to day interactions by volunteering and building a network of close friends....it will take time, good friendships are a process.
I would suggest that you check for local volunteer opportunities by finding groups on your campus that do good works in your local community. Also check with your local United Way as well as homeless shelters in your area. Especially this time of year Agencies are putting together Christmas food baskets, or serving meals for the Holidays. If you would enjoy that it would likely be a great help to have you involved....the more help the better in most cases.
You might look at opportunities that involve everything from simply visiting seniors, to teaching folks computer skills. Check with whatever group you find on campus or your community and find out what skills you possess would be helpful.
You sound like a very caring person. I hope that you find opportunities to share yourself that enrich your life and others.
Happy Holidays to you! And Welcome to the forum!
Last edited by JanND; 11-29-2016 at 02:45 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
