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Old 02-13-2019, 10:25 AM
 
14,902 posts, read 7,472,560 times
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I feel that people should never assume how another person will feel/think about a situation.

If you tell the person that you found some information that they may find disturbing about their father and ask if they want to know about it, if they do, tell them. You don't know how they'll feel. As an adopted person, they may already have considered the various circumstances that may have surrounded their birth and they may have a realistic view of what could or could not be the truth of their biological parents.

Sorry but I often have people tell me that I may be "offended" or "disturbed" about some information. I tell them to share it and it is not anything that to me is overly offensive or disturbing. People view things differently. Tell them what you found out - good and bad. If you said you would do this for them it doesn't make sense IMO not to tell them everything. Ethics IMO are not involved in a conversation and relating facts.
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Upstate NY
32,980 posts, read 9,729,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
"Is it ethical to withhold this negative information?"
Yes.

No, it's not ethical. Or professional.

It doesn't matter if the OP's been paid, either; this was done on behalf of and for the benefit of another person. The idea that someone would take it upon himself to withhold, filter, and censor such information is abhorrent.

It's also not within the purview of the OP to preface the sharing of such info by labeling it as negative, offensive or unsavory. Instead of being thought of as helpful, such people may come off looking like "judgy" busybodies.

What should have been made clear BEFORE, is that the OP would share whatever was uncovered in the search. Or not.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:19 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,724 posts, read 3,234,628 times
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You ask and lay the ground rules before you ever start the search. I would ask about any unsavory family stories or rumors so the client understands what is likely to come out. An outlaw or gangster is often just a novelty in the family history. A murder-suicide or mental illness might be unpleasant. An extramarital exploit with unclaimed children might get ugly. Being the unknown descendant of John Wilks Booth or Luis Garavito or the Pope might be something best left under the rug. But the client needs to decide where to draw the line.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:43 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,806 posts, read 20,699,868 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by residinghere2007 View Post
I feel that people should never assume how another person will feel/think about a situation.

If you tell the person that you found some information that they may find disturbing about their father and ask if they want to know about it, if they do, tell them. You don't know how they'll feel. As an adopted person, they may already have considered the various circumstances that may have surrounded their birth and they may have a realistic view of what could or could not be the truth of their biological parents.

Sorry but I often have people tell me that I may be "offended" or "disturbed" about some information. I tell them to share it and it is not anything that to me is overly offensive or disturbing. People view things differently. Tell them what you found out - good and bad. If you said you would do this for them it doesn't make sense IMO not to tell them everything. Ethics IMO are not involved in a conversation and relating facts.
I agree, what the OP feels may be negative and better left not said, the person may not even care or may be prepared to hear it anyway.

The OP should say I found this, that and whatever and lay it all out, not offering an opinion about any of it because the person may not find it as bad news or offensive. I personally would want all of the info. I've found some crazy crap out about my grandfathers brothers, they were all nuts; there are news articles to prove it but they're my relatives, blemishes and all. One of the memorial owners at find a grave actually blogged about them even though they aren't her relatives
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:36 PM
 
11,643 posts, read 19,862,527 times
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And you found this info, so it’s findable. Are you sure the person doesn’t already know?
__________________
Solly says Be nice!
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Old Yesterday, 10:47 AM
 
14,902 posts, read 7,472,560 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I agree, what the OP feels may be negative and better left not said, the person may not even care or may be prepared to hear it anyway.

The OP should say I found this, that and whatever and lay it all out, not offering an opinion about any of it because the person may not find it as bad news or offensive. I personally would want all of the info. I've found some crazy crap out about my grandfathers brothers, they were all nuts; there are news articles to prove it but they're my relatives, blemishes and all. One of the memorial owners at find a grave actually blogged about them even though they aren't her relatives

LOL on the bold.



I've also found a lot of nuts in the family tree. I honestly like the "disturbing" things as they make the family history a bit more interesting, plus some things that are "nuts" may be medical issues so it is best they are known about.



In regards to crimes being committed, unfortunately crime has always been committed. I actually do have a great uncle who was a murderer. He is dead now but killed two people - one when he was a teenager and he did time in a juvenile home for 10 years then he killed someone else and got 25 years and got out. I knew him pretty well and was shocked when I found out his criminal background but I did before he died and talked to him about it and he just had a crazy upbringing/life and did some crazy things. Not sure if he truly regretted what he'd done or not. He did seem regretful for the 2nd one but not the first! (he killed someone in a fight when he was 15 who had attacked him according to him, I don't think I'll ever get the records of it since it was a juvenile case back then).
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Old Yesterday, 03:05 PM
AFP
 
6,486 posts, read 3,905,452 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stargazy View Post
I've been doing genealogical research for an adopted man. I've found his biological mother and just recently his biological father. After doing some digging on his father, I've found some very negative information that I am reluctant to share with the son. I'm sure it would hurt and embarrass him if he knew this information. I don't think he would find it on his own. Is it ethical to withhold this negative information?



No one on here can give you good advice only you know what the information is and the individual receiving the information. I would say most of the time it would be the right thing to share what you found but sometimes it isn't.


None of these strangers on this forum including myself know you the information or the people involved there isn't a single piece of advice that would be appropriate for every situation. Do what you think is right and ignore the advice.
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Old Yesterday, 04:45 PM
Status: "No. Stinkin'. Wall." (set 19 days ago)
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
3,050 posts, read 4,655,633 times
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OP hasn't mentioned if the adoptee has already been told the names of the birth parents.

How sure are you that he is the actual biological father? Often it is difficult to pinpoint, so you should be certain beyond any doubt before you share the information.

If you're certain you have the right father and let's say he's a registered sex offender, I think you have an obligation at this point to share the information however shameful or embarrassing it may be.
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Old Yesterday, 05:39 PM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
8,473 posts, read 13,180,225 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stargazy View Post
No, he did not pay me; does that make a difference?
No, regardless, he still asked you to look into it - he should be prepared for not necessarily only finding rainbows and sunshine. It's not your place to decide for him what he should or should not know. Give him the facts, don't make assumptions or conclusions about anything, as that is also not your role.
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Old Today, 09:58 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,806 posts, read 20,699,868 times
Reputation: 7259
Quote:
Originally Posted by residinghere2007 View Post
LOL on the bold.



I've also found a lot of nuts in the family tree. I honestly like the "disturbing" things as they make the family history a bit more interesting, plus some things that are "nuts" may be medical issues so it is best they are known about.



In regards to crimes being committed, unfortunately crime has always been committed. I actually do have a great uncle who was a murderer. He is dead now but killed two people - one when he was a teenager and he did time in a juvenile home for 10 years then he killed someone else and got 25 years and got out. I knew him pretty well and was shocked when I found out his criminal background but I did before he died and talked to him about it and he just had a crazy upbringing/life and did some crazy things. Not sure if he truly regretted what he'd done or not. He did seem regretful for the 2nd one but not the first! (he killed someone in a fight when he was 15 who had attacked him according to him, I don't think I'll ever get the records of it since it was a juvenile case back then).
I sent you the blog. You tell me if there's another word better then nuts except what happened was very sad.

Oh there were crimes committed with the great uncles. At least 2 out of 3 committed crimes by shooting people. O ne of them killed their daughters husband, supposedly in self defense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFP View Post
[/b]No one on here can give you good advice only you know what the information is and the individual receiving the information. I would say most of the time it would be the right thing to share what you found but sometimes it isn't.


None of these strangers on this forum including myself know you the information or the people involved there isn't a single piece of advice that would be appropriate for every situation. Do what you think is right and ignore the advice.

I agree with you up until do what you think is right. The OP is planning to not give the info.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aries63 View Post
OP hasn't mentioned if the adoptee has already been told the names of the birth parents.

How sure are you that he is the actual biological father? Often it is difficult to pinpoint, so you should be certain beyond any doubt before you share the information.

If you're certain you have the right father and let's say he's a registered sex offender, I think you have an obligation at this point to share the information however shameful or embarrassing it may be.
The only way to be sure would be for the adoptee to do DNA which I highly recommend even though they think they know who their father is. People lied back then; heck they still lie...
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