Why do some people have such a hard time sharing their space? (roommate, home)
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I definitely like having my own space and feel really put-off when I have house guests. People who feel most comfortable alone experience stress even during happy enjoyable events like parties, weddings, and yes, even having house guests, if it means being around people for a prolonged period. And yes, a few days can definitely feel like a prolonged period.
I disagree that it's "selfish" to have all that space for oneself. It's his space; he pays for it and is entitled to do whatever he wants with it. And to say it's "silly" to get a hotel room, but for him, it's equally "silly" for you to not want to do that.
Plus, if I were the traveling friend, I'd much rather stay in a hotel and just visit the friend than stay in the friend's house. I wouldn't want to put anyone out, and I would never presume that I should be invited to stay at the friend's house for free. Seems the selfish one might be you.
I also agree with the poster who said it might be an age thing (instead of a race/ethnicity thing). When I was in my 20s, it was understood among my friends that if we went to each other's homes, we'd "crash" there overnight rather than drive home. Since my mid-30s however, the assumption is quite the opposite: you go home at the end of the night. And if you come in from out of town, you get a hotel room, and we'll get together for dinner or drinks.
I also wonder if the guy is truly "lonely" as you say, or if you are assuming he's "lonely" because he's "alone." These are not the same thing.
Some of us have a huge need for time alone, and lonliness never even comes up. People who have a strong need to be around others can't get that, and assume the person must be lonely.
Great post
I'm the same way. I hate having house-guests even if it is my own family. I really value my privacy and space, it's nothing personal it's just my nature.
I wonder why some people (like the OP) don't respect that?? I would never expect to stay in someone's home, in fact I wouldn't even want to... but there are people who have those expectations.
Husband and I just bought a condo in Florida and hope to move there this year. I'm already cringing when certain family members say "when can I come to visit".... How about when you can pay for your own hotel? lol
Like I said, we were friends for over a year. At one point we were regular movie and dinner buddies. He was even trying to date me and **** me at one point. I did not let that happen.
I do come to see him when I'm in town, but being the multi-tasking person that I am, I see him and go about my plans.
Why would you go back and visit someone who tried to **** you when you had no interest in being ****ed by this person ? If that were me, I'd put six states between the two of us and avoid that person like the plague.
Other than my husband (who I'm fine with picking up after and him moving our things around of course), all of my roommates have been obnoxiously loud at all hours of the night (unemployment suckers that don't actually look for work, one was my brother in-law, others were the husbands friends), AND expected me to do all the housework while working full time.
I've had enough of that, so now I'm nervous about roommates.
When it comes to a friend staying in, I trust my friends, but I also feel that while they are around I must entertain them, even in my group of closest friends where when I'm at their places people end up doing their own things for a while with laptops, and cell phones and whatnot. I was a shut in for a lot of my life and I'm still prone to being a hermit if they let me alone long enough!
Perhaps introverts are more prone to this confusion on the whole hospitality thing.
Having a houseguest can be exhausting, even when you don't need to entertain them. I know sometimes I'm exhausted before my houseguests arrive, from cleaning/cooking/making sure the guest room is in good shape and comfortable/stocking the fridge so they can fix breakfast for themselves. (Not to mention, hiding anything I want to ensure a houseguest didn't see.)
It's very likely that your friend feels like you're taking advantage of your friendship and treating him as a free B&B.
I'm sure this guy in an intorvert and for him an empty house is a comfortable one. There is nothing wrong with that. It's good that he's offering his friend a place to stay but he probably doesn't get how he's coming off. That's a lot of house and I see how it seems wasted, but then half the houses you see in HGTV look overly large for the couple and one kid and I guess that's up to them.
Personally I don't like houseguests. A friend is going to come out and visit this summer and my son eventually but thats it. I'd leave either of them in the house, but there isn't going to be a guest I wouldn't. And I myself would much rather stay at a motel and not feel like I was getting in their way. Last time my son visited even if I don't see him that often I had a great sigh of relief when he went home since it was so hard to relax with someone else in my space. And I get frustrated with a relative who keeps complaining about things dissapearing. But you need a couch for the night, or a floor for the night, sure, no problem. You stick around for more time and she'll eventually tell them to go, but won't push it, just complains. She says she feels 'lonely' if other people aren't around. This is a foreign concept to me. My space is my space and that's how I like it. Nothing requires us to be social and if people don't want to its up to them.
I think this guy likes the OP and is trying but can only go so far. I don't think it would hurt to say I'd like to sleep in and will lock the door. On the other hand, if the OP isn't comfortable just tell him a hotel offers more flexable hours. Of course if you are staying at a hotel for one night, most want you out of the room by noon so your not getting much more time.
Not only hispanics will offer a place to stay. If you go visit relatives across the country and are without a car, then its not unusual to stay with someone. I care for my relatives, but it just made me want to get the visit over quicker and go home and to my own schedule. And then there are those people who are willing to make their house the village? With ten cars and people all over the place, and noise all the time? I'm not dealing in nationalities, but all the cars and noise and so forth gets REAL old quick to neighbors and you do owe your neighbors some respect too. If the village visits for a few days is one thing but if they move in they need to move on. Some cities allow only so many cars per household too and its unfair to the people who live around them to fill up the street. If your guests become excessive then its time for a motel.
I'm all with him on roommates. If its personal or splitting costs, they are still annoyances. Had to put up with that for a while and LOVE the emptiness of my house except for things which bark and meow.
Last edited by nightbird47; 04-29-2013 at 01:23 PM..
I know this is an old thread but I cracked up at it. OP says "Anyhow, I have a friend who I've known for over a year now. I used to live in the same city as him but moved about 4 months ago. During that time I lived alone and in the past 4 months I have been traveling on assignment ever since." A friend you've know for over a year but you moved away 4 months ago? I would not call that a friend especially one that rebuffed me when I wanted more than a friendship. This guy is doing everything possible to irritate Cruising so she won't come back. Guests like this is the reason they make room darkening window blinds, peepholes and caller ID.
He is in his 50's and he made his life the way he wants and needs it. He owes you nothing but friendship. He does not owe you a place to stay. You are mistaken about that. I know you are in need but it is not his problem. He has the right to do with his home and time as he sees fit. You are not a family member, just a friend and it is wrong for you to call him selfish. Don't assume you know his feelings and what he needs and wants in his life.
Why do some people think that moving in is okay? And don't "get it".
I knew a woman, she was moving to where I lived, and "assumed" she could crash with me...no. I am an adult, she is an adult. If she is moving to a city, she can stay in a hotel while looking for a place. I don't think I was obligated to give her a place to stay..
Why was I so "mean"? Because, I have seen things like this go bad....where the person never moves out, or pays rent. I have no need for drama in my life.
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How about when you can pay for your own hotel? lol
? If that were me, I'd put six states between the two of us and avoid that person like the plague.
