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Old 02-03-2011, 01:19 AM
10 posts, read 25,072 times
Reputation: 10


Originally Posted by littleelvis View Post
I know they are your parents and I know you love them but I don't understand the need to take care of them.

As a parent the last thing I want my kids to have to do is be burdened by having to take care of me. If it's to the point where I need help on a daily basis I would have to go to an assisted living center or such.

What kind of life is that for my kids. Always having to worry about me and not ever really able to focus on their families.

Your option 2 is the best bet IMO but I personally would leave out the help when needed. You will be needed all the time. Your setting yourself up for frustration and resentment.

I know it seems like a one hour plane ride. But you add into that the travel to the airport the waiting at the airport, the delays, the travel from the airport, the packing, the unpacking. Its much more than a hour plane ride.

Now if you want to take care of them that is your business. IMO I would find a quality place they can live and have someone help them. That doesn't mean you won't be there but you have a life too. IMO having an Alzheimers patient living at home while the disease progresses is a bad idea. They need care from a facility that know how to treat it. I could not put my family through something like that.

You have a difficult decision on your hands. Hope it all goes well
Thanks littleelvis for your comments. I totally agree with what should be the case. Parents raise kids to go have their own families and explore the world and enjoy their lives and that the caring part should not be placed on them. Basically kids shouldn't be the retirement plan. But my situation is that culturally we've been raised with that guilt and association with parents that it is morally the kid's responsibilities to take care of them.

But that guilt stops with me. my kids will not have to worry about what i am going through!

For now I think i am more inclined to go for the new job, but i will make sure that in cases of emergencies I am there and for the long-run I hope the load can be shared with my siblings.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:23 AM
Location: Wisconsin
7,215 posts, read 7,890,381 times
Reputation: 7740
You're only 32. You need to do what is best for your family and your career. It would be unreasonable for your family to expect you to be responsible for your parents for the next 20-30 years.

I'd re-evaluate how realistic your plan is to visit every other weekend via plane trip, though. Could get expensive (and exhaustive) rather quickly.

Alzheimer's is no joke. It will get to a point where your mother simply won't be able to manage him any more. They need to plan for your dad to be in a nursing home of some type where he can get the proper care he needs.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:09 AM
4,559 posts, read 7,033,768 times
Reputation: 4198
Nash, you sound like a caring, responsible person with a bright future ahead of you. Your plan sounds like a good one and I think you know deep down what is best for you and your family. Taking it one step at a time with your mom and dad sounds wise...take it from me and a multitude of others, life never turns out the way you think it will anyway and plans are always subject to change along the way! God bless you and your family and wish you all the best.
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:31 AM
Location: Charlotte county, Florida
4,196 posts, read 5,235,940 times
Reputation: 12201
Do it...
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:40 AM
Location: southwest TN
8,224 posts, read 14,884,390 times
Reputation: 14978
Having lived through taking care of 2 sets of parents (his and mine), and being in that age where I have considered the what-ifs; I agree with most of the previous posters but my reasoning is from the perspective of the aging parent.

Go. Move. I think you're the child many of us seniors pray ours will turn into. Your devotion to your mother and caring for your father is admirable. But it's time to share that burden with your siblings. If your siblings don't want to share in it, then perhaps they can be reminded that whatever care they give your father is actually caring for your mother as she is the one truly benefiting in terms of time-off. Caring for a senior with alzheimers is physically and emotionally exhausting and your mother will need all of the children's support. Your father won't know or care shortly. (Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the facts.)

YOU are NOT responsible for your sister's decisions.

I think it is time for you all to come up with a plan to see your mother through this stage and to make sure that she is prepared for putting your father in a nursing home. Alzheimer's sufferers cannot remain at home indefinitely - it soon becomes a 24 hour a day security issue. The care of the one remaining is what needs to be addressed. While your mother may not want to move, that is one choice to be presented to her. Find out what services the community offers and take advantage even if it's just for finding out what options there are.

But this is the most important time of your son's life and of your career. Don't put it on hold and perhaps miss out (career-wise) or miss seeing some of your child's important milestones - share with your wife, don't be running back home every other weekend. That's not fair to your new family.
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Old 02-06-2011, 03:01 AM
10 posts, read 25,072 times
Reputation: 10
Thank you all for your supportive comments.

As of now I have decided to go ahead with it, although everyday I'm more stressed out than the day before since i am worried about what would happen if they needed anything in my absence. But in any case, the wheels are turning now and about a month's time I will make the move.

I appreciate all the time you've put to provide me with your opinions. God Bless you all!
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:05 AM
18,853 posts, read 31,638,195 times
Reputation: 26110
Take care of yourself. No one else will. Your responsibility is to yourself, and your children. Don't even bother going home on weekends, it will drive you crazy. Focus on things you can control, your life, and your career. You can't control your parents or their issues. Just blow them off, because at this point, the parents house should be sold, the father should go to a home, your mother into a small apt or condo. If they won't do those responsible, inevitable options, why should you drive yourself into the ground worrying about it. Move on. Call once a week, visit once a year. I did this when my grandparents would not make the responsible choice. It was best for me, I did not have to watch the whole disaster or waste time and energy with people who could not do the best option for themselves.
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Old 02-20-2011, 01:46 AM
10 posts, read 25,072 times
Reputation: 10
Status update!

I am almost done with packing my belongs and preparing for the move. I am planning to relocate in less than two weeks. As the time to move gets nearer i am both excited and worried. But I know i am making the right decision because I will be happier at work, that's for sure. But like any move it always comes with a fair share of stress.

Parents are taking it differently. Dad is happy but also worried, while with mom it's very difficult to even talk about it and I am avoiding the issue all the time.

I am also starting to realize that traveling twice a month back and forth will be costly and I might scale it down to once a month. I guess as one poster put it that even that might not be possible sometimes due to work/family.

For now I guess all i have to do is look forward, stay positive and hope things turn out for the best.
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