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Old 03-18-2011, 04:52 PM
Location: RAF Molesworth, Huntingdon UK
470 posts, read 1,537,114 times
Reputation: 189


To the OP my heart goes out to you. Right now may not seem like the best time, but don't give up hope! I too live in the Baltimore area and got relocated with my job to San Diego. I agree with swmrbird as far as thinking about your hubby and child. But yes if you think you will be happy int he long run it will be worth it. It really sucks when you are unhappy with your surroundings, but with good planning and talking it over with your hubby you two can make the right decision about when to move. And make sure to visit those states often before you finally make your leap of faith, just to be sure you will be happy with the area. And I know some folks bash FL, NC but hey if you read all the threads, somebody ALWAYS got something to say about ALL the states, cities, etc. So if it's what you want go for it! Just plan and think it through. Only you know what will make you happy and work for your family.
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:34 AM
Location: Back in MADISON Wi thank God!
1,047 posts, read 3,072,978 times
Reputation: 1368
I know you may not want to hear this but you said you wanted honesty. If it wasn't for your FIL's health I'd say go for it and press your husband to move now. However, there is a limited time that he will have to spend with his father before the disease takes his mind away forever. I think if you deny your husband this time with his father, you will regret it later and your husband may come to resent you for it. I understand your wanting to move, we have moved all over the US and abroad. I do urge you to wait. The time your husband has with his father is limited. Your time is much more flexable.

BTW - 37 is NOT old!

I have to agree. Our family moved 4 years ago. I was 50, my oldest son was almost 11 when we moved. Granted, I don't have a child with autism, but in general, younger kids adjust fine. Now, my husbands Father's health is failing, it's hard to be away. I think you have a few more years. Let your husband be with his Dad a bit longer. Spend the time doing more research on autistic services and such in the areas that you'd like to live.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:49 AM
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 8,588,628 times
Reputation: 9458
Cool Be careful what you wish for...

I grew up in the South, was married there, and raised our children there. We traveled all over the country, on vacations and business. When the last kid graduated college, we moved - to 60 acres in Nebraska. All of that was after taking care of our families for years; including my Dad with multiple strokes over 10 years and my mother who didn't understand money, finances, or that the guy she met in an ad in the Enquirer couldn't really get her thousands in government money. If we could have moved when the kids were tiny, we would have - but we had responsibilities that simply would not be put on hold, or that anyone else would handle. The urge to move was an itch that grated for 20 years!

As for moving somewhere warm and sunny, bear in mind that everyone who lives "up Nawth" wants the same thing eventually. Why do you think the term "Snowbirds" was coined? Folks who wanted the lovely amenities of the South came to realize that the summers aren't warm and pleasant - they are HOT, with temperatures of 100 deg and 100% humidity. This means that you cannot sweat (or 'glow' as we did down south), that the nights are just as miserable as the days, without a cooling breath of air to stir the curtains. We used to pray for 'just a little hurricane' - because afterwards the air was cool and fresh for at least a week. In the summer - which lasts 6-9 months, depending where you are - you will use as much electricity/energy as you do right now in the winter, every month, to run the air conditioning.

Now, bear in mind that wealthy, or at least comfortable, snowbirds are not all that move South for the weather. Criminals love it. I-95 is called the "Drug Corridor" for a reason. Gangs, including the illegal immigrant gangs, are prevalent in the schools; the only difference is that many southern schools pretend that they do not exist. One school had so many reports of knifings and violence on their campus that they were chastized by the State School Board. So, to solve the problem - they stopped calling the police to the property. Several of my friends who were teachers went into another line of work because they were told by their principal at another school to allow the 5th graders to intimidate second-graders, and teens to purvey their drugs on campus - no teachers were to get involved because it would endanger them, and the principal would refuse to act or call the police. The attitude toward adult criminals is pretty much the same - if you have something that someone else wants, it is your fault for flaunting it if they take it. Why do you think that so many snowbirds demand and live in gated communities?

Because of the sub-tropical climate, there are more snakes and bugs than you can ever imagine. Poisonous and non-poisonous snakes abound; they will crawl across your porch, driveway, and yard as if they own it. If you go for a cruise down a lovely tree-lined river, they will drop into your boat. Alligators are not friendly neighbors; they have a brain the size of a pea, and their sole purpose is to eat - everything from little old ladies thrashing the weeds, looking for their golf balls, to prize-winning champion dogs. You might like to think of wildlife as birds, deer, and bunnies, you'll think again when a big boar coon won't let you out of your house, or a herd of wild hogs, the boars' tusks gleaming in the moonlight, trot across your backyard.

Mosquitoes will feast on you, as will 'sand gnats' - little noseeums that infest your hair and clothing, all night and day. Get very used to the smell of citronella - it is the way to find your neighbors. Bugs will infest everything you try to grow, from underground bugs that eat the roots and decimate your yard grass to bugs of all sizes that will munch on leaves and flowers, fruit and vegetables with amazing alacrity. The armadillos that dig up your yard and permeate your landscape with the smell of dead crabs are just after the underground grubs - don't worry about THEM. You will spray, and spray, and spray - because the only thing that really makes them go dormant is cold weather, of which you will only have a 6-week or so respite. But, don't worry about them as much as the mold and mildew - they will not only coat your plants with white fuzzies and black coats, but will infest your clothing and even grow uninhibited under your car mats.

You can find something bad about everywhere you try to move, of course. I would recommend that, before making such a decision, you thouroughly investigate the area, especially LOCAL news reports, with a critical eye. Where does your water come from, for example? Ours came from a long and lovely river that everyone in three states was fighting over - on which there was located a massive nuclear power and storage facility, known to be leaking tritium into the river water and groundwater. It was safe, though, the EPA said so - even though they advised locals not to eat more than 3 fish a month from the river. What is the income like, what are the schools like, what is the support for your son REALLY like? Don't believe brochures or phone calls - visit the schools and facilities and see what they REALLY have to offer autistic children. Will he be in a SPED class with violent offenders who simply can't help themselves? Will he be 'mainstreamed' without supervision, or with limited supervision by an aide who makes minimum wage and couldn't care less what indignities he suffers?
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Old 03-22-2011, 02:32 PM
Location: York, PA
2,467 posts, read 4,817,748 times
Reputation: 2214
Originally Posted by Sstevens09 View Post
I'd love some honest opinions here. I've lived in the Baltimore area my whole life, except for 1 semester in college where I studied in another state. I'm 37 and married with an autistic 6 yr-old son.

My husband has also lived in this area his whole life, almost 40 years. We've been married 10 years and I feel like it's time to move. I've been talking for years about moving to a warmer, prettier, more laid-back place with a lower cost of living, like NC or FL. Actually, my preference has always been CA, but I know that's too far for my husband.

My husband is close to his family, who all live less than 20 minutes away, but I am not particularly close to mine, most of whom live out of state. I think my husband would be more amenable to moving if not for his father, who is 76 years old and has alzheimers. He's fairly healthy (my FIL) and lives at home with his wife, but his memory is failing.

Am I selfish to want to move to NC or FL and take my husband away from his close-knit family including his father with alzheimers? I don't want to hurt his family, but I've always intended to move at some point, we're not getting any younger, and I don't want to wait until my son has gotten a little older and made friends to move away. Even though I've lived here my whole life I've never felt like this is home, in my heart, and I am anxious to find that place and settle down and finally feel comfortable. I just don't know what to do....
Given your FILs situation, I would hold off on a move for now, at least to somewhere distant like Fl or Ca. Additionally, I would never move to either of these states without a firm and definite job offer in hand, along with a start date. Both Fl and Ca are very expensive in terms of housing and other essentials.

You mentioned NC..maybe that's possible, agai with a job offer. NC is not too terribly far from Baltimore and depending on the area, you could be up here in several hours if the need arises.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:21 PM
4,286 posts, read 6,157,432 times
Reputation: 3717
Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth. I wish people would discuss these things before they get married and have children, and all that. I see this issue come up over and over again in various city boards, so I'm not singling out the OP. But you said you have talked for years now about moving and have always intended to move but did your husband know this about you? You married a man who is very close to his family, had lived in that area all his life, and probably had no desire whatsoever to ever leave there. Where people want to live can be a big deal breaker in a relationship...that's why I say it should be discussed before marriage. Staying there is kind of what you signed up for when you got married, at least for now, so I think it would be unfair to change the rules on him. A 6 year old has no concept of what moving really means, so he gets no vote, IMO.

Now, having said that, I do believe that a spouse's responsibility would be to their spouse and child, not their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, etc.

I know it's not an easy situation and I could only suggest having a real heart to heart talk with your husband about all this and try to end up the same page, at least for the time being, so it doesn't affect your marriage and your child. If this issue stays in limbo it will effect either his happiness or yours and it sounds like you really don't want that to happen.
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:30 PM
18,856 posts, read 28,322,185 times
Reputation: 25756
Get a job, I think that you have too much time on your hands, so you are looking for things to do in your life to make it better...when you are busy, you won't be searching for how to feel more "fulfilled" in your life...changing your physical location does not change your life...living in FL or NC is not really any different than any place else...You sound very self centered, and spoiled. Life is not always about you, and what you want...or where you want to live...it costs money to move, and why do you want to waste that money? Just because you "want to"...it is childish, and not well thought out at all. There are no reasons to move, and many reasons to stay...
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:10 PM
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,288 posts, read 16,563,492 times
Reputation: 22951
My husband always talked about wanting to move, but I never wanted to. I was honest and told him I had ties to my city that would keep me here. We spent years in apartments because he didn't want to put down permanent roots here. He never visited any of the places he talked about wanting to move to, because he doesn't like to travel anywhere that involves having to stay overnight. The last time he talked about wanting to move, I said, Well, I'll miss you, but you can always come back for a visit.

He decided not to move.
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:15 PM
Location: RAF Molesworth, Huntingdon UK
470 posts, read 1,537,114 times
Reputation: 189
I have to disagree with jasper12, sometimes changing your physical surroundings does matter to some people. Living in an area that doesn't have the amenities you want or the environment isn't pleasing to you then moving could be an option for some folks. I lived in the Baltimore area as well with the same problem. I am now happy in California where I got everything I was seeking. I will agree some folks are just miserable or are obsessed with moving, but its not fair to tell someone they are childish because they desire something you do not. It does cost money to move but it's not yours why do you care? Many folks make that decision and some are happy with it, some not. Giving sound advice does not include being an ass...
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:20 PM
Location: RAF Molesworth, Huntingdon UK
470 posts, read 1,537,114 times
Reputation: 189
I will reiterate though please talk to your hubby, you two need to be on the same page. And loveautumn hit the nail on the head that should be a main conversation before marriage. I was smart enough to put that card on the table while courting, lucky for me my fiancee desired the same thing. Good luck sweetie, I wish you happiness whatever you decide!
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Old 03-25-2011, 04:12 PM
Location: Vermont
9,601 posts, read 9,536,261 times
Reputation: 11755
Another consideration is your career prospects. If you are nearing the end of your graduate studies you'll probably be looking for a job. Since your husband's job seems pretty transferable you might need to be looking elsewhere for a place where you can use your degree. That might be a better time to consider a move, since otherwise you might be looking at two moves.

As for your initial question, it doesn't sound as though you're being selfish. It does sound as though you're thinking about what you want in life and how to get it. As long as you don't ignore the legitimate needs and desires of your family I wouldn't call that selfish.

If your husband is just saying that he's determined to live in the Charm City for the rest of his life, no matter what you want, where your career prospects might be, or your child will be best off, now that would be selfish.
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