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I'd love some honest opinions here. I've lived in the Baltimore area my whole life, except for 1 semester in college where I studied in another state. I'm 37 and married with an autistic 6 yr-old son.
My husband has also lived in this area his whole life, almost 40 years. We've been married 10 years and I feel like it's time to move. I've been talking for years about moving to a warmer, prettier, more laid-back place with a lower cost of living, like NC or FL. Actually, my preference has always been CA, but I know that's too far for my husband.
My husband is close to his family, who all live less than 20 minutes away, but I am not particularly close to mine, most of whom live out of state. I think my husband would be more amenable to moving if not for his father, who is 76 years old and has alzheimers. He's fairly healthy (my FIL) and lives at home with his wife, but his memory is failing.
Am I selfish to want to move to NC or FL and take my husband away from his close-knit family including his father with alzheimers? I don't want to hurt his family, but I've always intended to move at some point, we're not getting any younger, and I don't want to wait until my son has gotten a little older and made friends to move away. Even though I've lived here my whole life I've never felt like this is home, in my heart, and I am anxious to find that place and settle down and finally feel comfortable. I just don't know what to do....
I think it would depend on your job situation, ie job availability in either of the states you hope to move to - but realistically, w/ a young child, it's best not to move unless there's a definite job offer. Does your husband have other siblings who can help his mother w/ his father - b/c realistically, it's only going to get worse and assumedly, your MIL is elderly and would need some kind of support network when the going gets tough. Liking a warm climate and feeling like it's time to move is quite different when (if) your husband likes his job and has some responsiblity to share in helping his parents. Maybe taking a trip to both places might give you both a better idea if you really like it there - and then from there, apply for jobs but a lot would prob. depend on his parents etc.
Yes, Honeycrisp, you're right about the job, and I should have said I'm a stay-at-home mom and grad student (online), and my husband works for a large computer company with offices in practically every state. His company actually has major offices in NC and FL and it would be pretty easy for him to just transfer to one of them.
My husband has 2 older sisters--one lives 10 minutes away from my in-laws and she's over at their house all the time, practically everyday, and the other older sister actually lives with my in-laws, her parents. So my MIL has in-house help with my FIL, plus, that older sister that lives with them has a 20 year-old son, my in-laws' grandson, who "works" for my MIL, doing errands, grocery shopping, and going to doctor appointments with my in-laws. Also, my MIL is a very social person and has more friends than I've ever seen a person have. So my in-laws actually have quite a bit of support in their lives--if we moved, we wouldn't be leaving them high and dry by any means. I wouldn't consider moving if my in-laws were all alone and struggling. For that matter, I wouldn't consider moving without my husband's job being secure, as well. Our little boy depends on us, and autism treatment is too expensive to do otherwise!
That puts a different spin on it (that there are enough caregivers) and that your husb. can prob. easily transfer. That said, I'd probably be tempted and who knows, hopefully there are excellent autism classes etc for your son in each of those states ;-)
If I were you, my first concern would be your son, not necessarily your husband. From what I understand (I admit it's not a lot) - don't autistic children tend to resist change?
I guess I would look at it like this: If you think in 10, 15, 20 yrs ect you can say that you and your husband won't regret moving, then do it. If it is something he will always wish he hadn't done, it might be a bigger deal. It has to be something that is good for the family, not just you - if you are the only one pleased with the move would it really be worth it?
I'd love some honest opinions here. I've lived in the Baltimore area my whole life, except for 1 semester in college where I studied in another state. I'm 37 and married with an autistic 6 yr-old son.
My husband has also lived in this area his whole life, almost 40 years. We've been married 10 years and I feel like it's time to move. I've been talking for years about moving to a warmer, prettier, more laid-back place with a lower cost of living, like NC or FL. Actually, my preference has always been CA, but I know that's too far for my husband.
My husband is close to his family, who all live less than 20 minutes away, but I am not particularly close to mine, most of whom live out of state. I think my husband would be more amenable to moving if not for his father, who is 76 years old and has alzheimers. He's fairly healthy (my FIL) and lives at home with his wife, but his memory is failing.
Am I selfish to want to move to NC or FL and take my husband away from his close-knit family including his father with alzheimers? I don't want to hurt his family, but I've always intended to move at some point, we're not getting any younger, and I don't want to wait until my son has gotten a little older and made friends to move away. Even though I've lived here my whole life I've never felt like this is home, in my heart, and I am anxious to find that place and settle down and finally feel comfortable. I just don't know what to do....
I know you may not want to hear this but you said you wanted honesty. If it wasn't for your FIL's health I'd say go for it and press your husband to move now. However, there is a limited time that he will have to spend with his father before the disease takes his mind away forever. I think if you deny your husband this time with his father, you will regret it later and your husband may come to resent you for it. I understand your wanting to move, we have moved all over the US and abroad. I do urge you to wait. The time your husband has with his father is limited. Your time is much more flexable.
Definitely important things to think about, and I'm checking into autism services in different areas now as a preliminary first step. I first considered how my son would handle all of this, of course, and once I thought that through, I considered my husband. Yes, generally I guess, autistic kids can be resistant to change, but each child is different, with different strengths and weaknesses. My son doesn't really mind changes in his environment--vacations, new classrooms, new therapists--he rolls with the punches pretty well. I think he will actually be excited about a new place, new activities, a new house. Novelties like that are fun for him, and in that way he's like a neurotypical kid, curious and excited about new things to explore. As long as we make sure his new environment is supportive and is providing appropriate and richly stimulating learning opportunities, I think he will thrive.
But I don't want my husband to have deep regrets or resentment about moving. He does love Florida and he likes NC, so he might be happy in those places. And no, if I'm the only one happy about the move it wouldn't be worth it. But at this point, he's the only one of the two of us who is happy where we are.
I know you may not want to hear this but you said you wanted honesty. If it wasn't for your FIL's health I'd say go for it and press your husband to move now. However, there is a limited time that he will have to spend with his father before the disease takes his mind away forever. I think if you deny your husband this time with his father, you will regret it later and your husband may come to resent you for it. I understand your wanting to move, we have moved all over the US and abroad. I do urge you to wait. The time your husband has with his father is limited. Your time is much more flexable.
BTW - 37 is NOT old!
You're right, Va-Cat. It's not fair to move now, I guess. I thought if we moved within a day's travel by car we could visit frequently and we could be here quickly if an emergency happened, but that's certainly not the same as living 15 minutes away at this time in my FIL's health. I don't know when we'll move but I guess I'll have to suck it up b/c it just wouldn't be fair to move now.
First and foremost...going through the same thing that the OP posted....except Im in NC....but trying to relocate to Phx....Don't relocate to NC...."The grass is not all that green" here in the NC.....Consider out west....New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona....All of those states are on the "come up."
First and foremost...going through the same thing that the OP posted....except Im in NC....but trying to relocate to Phx....Don't relocate to NC...."The grass is not all that green" here in the NC.....Consider out west....New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona....All of those states are on the "come up."
Better look into the water issues facing the western states.
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