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Old 04-21-2011, 04:29 PM
 
5,818 posts, read 13,273,145 times
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There are attorneys who specialize in SS disability. It is not unusual for SS to turn someone down several times.

Since you are living with her and contributing to her financial support they take that into consideration. If she lived alone she might be eligible for different types of aid such as Section 8 housing, food stamps, etc.
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Old 04-21-2011, 05:15 PM
 
2,478 posts, read 4,850,856 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
Wow I think maybe you should re-examine your sittuation . Maybe you should try and help mom get social security disability this way you could help her a little more . I cant believe that you would even think about leaving her in such a bad sittuation . Is your dad paying alimony ? or did she get just a settlement ? Im sorry this just struck me as so wrong . Im sorry if i seem harsh Im not trying to be .
The OP is hardly being selfish. What she has is a self loathing parent who's using her and taking advantage of her. Last time I checked, the OP had the right to her on life. Where do people come off thinking that relatives are required to take care of them? It's hardly the OP's fault her mom's marriage dissolved and her life has not worked out. And it's surely not her responsibility to spend the rest of her life taking care of someone who's priority in life is to not lift a finger, wither away and die.
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:03 PM
 
29,988 posts, read 37,099,452 times
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One other option that has not been mentioned: does the OP's mother have any siblings that might be able to help out or rent her a room in their home?

I agree, you should go back to social services ASAP and find out what your mother qualifies for if she is no longer living with you. While you are at it find out if there are mental health services available for her now.

Honestly, I think your mother is using you to enable her current behavior. Moving out might be the best way to get her to begin to do for herself again. You sound like a contientous enough daughter that you will continue to keep an eye out for her even though you may not be sharing the same living space.

Your youth does not last long. Don't throw it away enabling your mother to sink further inside yourself. Infact, make your mother begin to go places with you now, even if that is apartment hunting, just to get her out and thinking about someone besided herself!
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Silver Spring, MD
12 posts, read 17,946 times
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Thanks for all the advice guys. BTW, I'm a guy.

I have 2 sisters, but neither one really wants to deal with the situation. One of them is 25 and just got a new apartment not too long ago with her fiance. My dad was actually living with them before they moved but he's a severe alcoholic and they ended up having to kick him out. The last thing they want is another person with severe issues. She's offered to help find alternatives but said there's no way that my mom or my dad will be able to live with them because of all the drama. My other sister is 23 and isn't on speaking terms with either of my parents.

I agree that we are going to have to go back to social services and figure out what the options are if we aren't living together. I do get the feeling that she's using me so that she doesn't have to move on with her life. She keeps complaining to me that she doesn't know what she's going to do once I'm gone, but every suggestion I give her she finds some reason to shoot down. I told her tonight that we should go to social services tomorrow morning before I go to work and her response was that she hasn't taken a shower in a few days. I said well you could take a shower tonight and she pretty much blew it off and said she didn't feel like it.

So frustrating...
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:51 PM
 
29,988 posts, read 37,099,452 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spl1981 View Post
Thanks for all the advice guys. BTW, I'm a guy.

I have 2 sisters, but neither one really wants to deal with the situation. One of them is 25 and just got a new apartment not too long ago with her fiance. My dad was actually living with them before they moved but he's a severe alcoholic and they ended up having to kick him out. The last thing they want is another person with severe issues. She's offered to help find alternatives but said there's no way that my mom or my dad will be able to live with them because of all the drama. My other sister is 23 and isn't on speaking terms with either of my parents.

I agree that we are going to have to go back to social services and figure out what the options are if we aren't living together. I do get the feeling that she's using me so that she doesn't have to move on with her life. She keeps complaining to me that she doesn't know what she's going to do once I'm gone, but every suggestion I give her she finds some reason to shoot down. I told her tonight that we should go to social services tomorrow morning before I go to work and her response was that she hasn't taken a shower in a few days. I said well you could take a shower tonight and she pretty much blew it off and said she didn't feel like it.

So frustrating...
Egad, my apology on the "daughter" remark. Well, you are a good and dutiful son. However, that still doesn't mean that you should sacrifice what is left of your youth to cater to you mother's seemingly passive aggressive manipulations to keep you as her daily caretaker.

Will social services speak to you without your mother present? If your mother is being too difficult to the point of her own detriment, unable/unwilling to care for herself even to the point of daily hygeine, and unable to put a roof over her head on her own, you may be looking at becoming her legal conservator and making all of those decisions for her.
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Old 04-21-2011, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,661,889 times
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This is going to sound more insensitive than I mean it, but I think it's time to grow a backbone, Spl1981. Yes, you are in a difficult and unenviable situation. And it's heart-breaking to see a parent suffer. But the business about your mother refusing to take a shower (and using that as an excuse why she can't go to social services) was the thing that tipped the scales for me to write my first sentence above. I do realize you cannot force her to take a shower, but she is manipulating you. You can explain to her that you are moving on and you are unwilling to continue to allow her to use you, and that she needs to take action for her own well-being. Consult a lawyer about filing for a conservatorship in court - that might, just might, get your mother to realize you are serious.

I know, easy for me to say all that - and so very difficult for you to implement it! Best of luck.
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Old 04-21-2011, 08:59 PM
 
Location: Aiken, South Carolina, US of A
1,763 posts, read 3,834,712 times
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Spl1981,
Your mom is suffering from severe depression.
This is a medicl condition. Does she have medical insurance? Well,
she has money, so make an appointment with a psyciatrist and take her as
soon as possible.
She needs medical help right now. She needs medication to get her out of this!
It will take about a month to get her meds right, but she will feel better.
You will notice a big difference in her, she isn't even showering for God's sake!
When she feels better, she will move on with her life.
Make sure she keeps her appointments and stays on her meds also.
Good Luck!
(PS, I have experience with this).
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Old 04-21-2011, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,136 posts, read 8,658,042 times
Reputation: 6103
Smile Housing for those over 55

Look into this also for seniors. Usually, there's a waiting list but sometimes, the rent is prorated to what you can afford.

I had to be there financially for my parents so I really understand - started at age 15 and ended in 2010. Almost 40 years. I feel I'm just starting my life now but it will take me at least 7 years to get the housing cost to where it should be.

My BIL has Parkinsons Stage 4. He had to apply twice. He finally got it. Now, he is waiting for Medicaid. That takes 2 years once you start getting the SSI.

Don't give up.
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Old 04-22-2011, 04:40 AM
 
5,818 posts, read 13,273,145 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spl1981 View Post
I agree that we are going to have to go back to social services and figure out what the options are if we aren't living together. I do get the feeling that she's using me so that she doesn't have to move on with her life. She keeps complaining to me that she doesn't know what she's going to do once I'm gone, but every suggestion I give her she finds some reason to shoot down. I told her tonight that we should go to social services tomorrow morning before I go to work and her response was that she hasn't taken a shower in a few days. I said well you could take a shower tonight and she pretty much blew it off and said she didn't feel like it.

So frustrating...
Sounds like you are going to have to do a little "tough love," and force her into it. It's kind of reverse from the mother pushing the baby out of the nest. Hard as it may sound, tell her you are moving on, find an apartment, move out and don't let her put a guilt trip on you. You can offer you help with taking her to social services, etc. but unfortunately it sounds like she's depressed. Enabling her isn't helping her.
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Old 04-22-2011, 09:22 AM
 
507 posts, read 1,323,968 times
Reputation: 810
Wow. For the life of me I will never understand parents that selfishly suck the life out of their children because of their own incompetence or issues. Please do not be guilted or manipulated into enabling the unhealthy lifestyle of either of your parents. They are responsible for themselves, period.

You have one life, you owe it to yourself to go live that life. You do NOT owe your crappy parents your life. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but imo they have been crappy parents. Your dad too should be ashamed for laying his crap on your sister. They are not two people who have served you well and are now OLD and in genuine need of deserved assistance. BIG difference.

At 59 I would live in a mission before I let my adult son who is trying to make a life "take care of me". Your mom needs to grow up. Some people wallow in misery because they can.

I sincerely hope you get out and make your own life the priority it should be.
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