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I live in the mid-west. From an economic standpoint the area is depressed, when driving around there are lots of "for lease" buildings, and run-down areas. There isn't much to do in this "rust belt", and right now it's cold and dreary.
I HATE IT HERE. I want to move south and be by the ocean, closer to more action. I don't care if I never see snow again.
I'm here because when I met my husband he had a small business in this area, and he is from this area. To this day he has the same business, but he has to work a lot longer/harder to make the same money that keeps us afloat. I also have a job with a temp agency. I don't work as much as I would like, but around here jobs are scarce.
Lately I've been telling my husband I want to move. I'm depressed and sick of this area. Sick of it for 10 years. He tells me that it's not WHERE a person lives, but their ATTITUDE.
This is his home-town, so maybe he has more of a tolerance??
So my question is when is it best to MOVE and when is it best to do a serious attitude check.... and how does one know the difference??
Lately I've been telling my husband I want to move. I'm depressed and sick of this area. Sick of it for 10 years. He tells me that it's not WHERE a person lives, but their ATTITUDE.
This is his home-town, so maybe he has more of a tolerance??
So my question is when is it best to MOVE and when is it best to do a serious attitude check.... and how does one know the difference??
I can tell from your comments above that it's time for you to move right now! However, it is evident that your husband either likes where he's living or he is so set in his ways that he can't imagine living anywhere else. This is of course a serious problem since you two are tied together by your marriage and it would be a pretty hard choice for you to decide whether it's better to be together with your husband and live in a place that makes you unhappy, or separate/divorce and move to a new area--and face all the lonesomeness problems that singles everywhere are subject to.
The first best thing you can do is to discuss with your spouse your unhappiness about where you are living. You described the area as "rust belt"--that can't be good. I'm seeing small signs of blight here in Los Angeles, businesses closed out and vacant buildings, places I used to enjoy shopping at now gone and me unable to find the products I liked, my favorite restaurants mostly just memories and a few favorite eating spots left, now stale and boring because I frequent them so often--there's no other choices other than really expensive places I can't afford. There are few job openings here in my career (hardware/software electronic engineering) but fortunately (to a point) I'm almost old enough to retire. (I already made up my mind to move away, move to a nicer place.)
You should live where you are happy, but you should live with the person or people who make you happy. What a dilemma when you can have one or the other but not both! Perhaps if you discuss this with your spouse more he may begin to understand your unhappiness. I'm pretty sure a location change is what you need, but what does he need? Maybe you're going to have to face up to serious choices: be with the one you love, or be where you are happy.
I'm glad I'm not facing that choice. I've intentionally avoided romantic entanglements the last few years (I'm single) because I've decided that I'm leaving Los Angeles and going to find a place that makes me more happy. I don't want to get involved in a relationship where she likes it here and I want to be somewhere else.
Unfortunately you're already in a relationship, and relationships always involve compromise. I hope you'll find a way to follow your heart without at the same time losing your marriage. You and your spouse need to have a serious talk.
Basically the area really isn't going to make you a happy person. If your deporessed then its likely that just moving to a new area without any financial considerations is really goig to depress you.
My husband is not opposed to moving, and we've discussed a few places in Florida that we both like. I know I could get a job in those areas, and we're pretty close to retirement age so he is ready (or so he tells me) to leave the business and let his brother run things while he is in Florida, where he could also get a job. We could both work part time and still do okay financially. Our biggest challenge as I see it is selling our home here. People just aren't buying and that scares me.
Last night we were talking and he said it could take "a couple years" to sell the house so I have to hang in there. My heart sank. Is it possible to hate an area so much that a couple years can throw a person into a deep depression?
I hate the cold, I feel like a prisoner in my own home. We live in a nice home but it is out in the sticks so to speak, not many neighbors around... it's rather isolated. Because of that, and my changing jobs with the temp agency I haven't made many friends here.... yeah I'm in a rut, and feel kind of pathetic whining on a message board.
I think the reasons I did is 1) I wonder if anyone else has felt so stuck in an area they hated that it brought on significant depression, and 2) because of that should I try to fast track this move somehow, and if so HOW can I do it??
Something else.... if I was in my 20's... the time in life when one thinks they have all the time in the world left to live... I don't think I would feel the same intense sense of urgency. But we're both 50ish. My own father never saw 60... so I have this sense that time could be running out. For each day I spend here miserable, I'm also giving up a day where I could/should be happy.
Can anyone relate to this?
By the way Lovehound, where is it that you want to move? I'm just curious. I like California, but haven't spend much time in LA. Mostly San Diego and San Fran.... love it but way to expensive.
Last night we were talking and he said it could take "a couple years" to sell the house so I have to hang in there. My heart sank. Is it possible to hate an area so much that a couple years can throw a person into a deep depression?
It could take a million years to sell the house unless you retain a real estate broker and put the "for sale" sign in the front lawn. Or is your house already on the market? Have you had a market evaluation from a real estate broker? Is your house up to date on maintenance and repair? (Will it look good to prospective buyers?
That's been my problem (condition). I wanted to make certain that every last maintenance problem has been taken care of, every broken thing fixed, every insecure thing secured, all the paint looking nice, and in the next 1-2 weeks I'm having new carpet installed and then I'll be ready for the sign in the lawn.
Your real estate broker can give you an idea how long it will take to sell your house when you're discussing your market evaluation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt
I hate the cold, I feel like a prisoner in my own home. We live in a nice home but it is out in the sticks so to speak, not many neighbors around... it's rather isolated. Because of that, and my changing jobs with the temp agency I haven't made many friends here.... yeah I'm in a rut, and feel kind of pathetic whining on a message board.
I think the reasons I did is 1) I wonder if anyone else has felt so stuck in an area they hated that it brought on significant depression, and 2) because of that should I try to fast track this move somehow, and if so HOW can I do it??
The reason I replied to your post was because I feel so much in the same situation with you--but minus the spouse to worry about.
I'm trapped! Help, I can't get out! I've been looking across my back yard at the same neighbor's garage for three decades! I've seen every street and every house in my neighborhood ten thousand times! L.A. traffic is getting worse and worse. I've finally gotten so that I just can't stand this place even one more minute!
I'm suffering from depression right now. I was being treated for depression until a few months ago, when I had a realization. My depression isn't being caused by a chemical imbalance. It's being caused by my being stuck here and wanting to be somewhere else. I feel that my life has come to an end in L.A. so everything I want to live for is somewhere else, and I can't start living that better life until I get the heck out of here!
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt
Something else.... if I was in my 20's... the time in life when one thinks they have all the time in the world left to live... I don't think I would feel the same intense sense of urgency. But we're both 50ish. My own father never saw 60... so I have this sense that time could be running out. For each day I spend here miserable, I'm also giving up a day where I could/should be happy.
Can anyone relate to this?
I'm feeling the same thing, having realized I've focused the last 20-25 years on my career and have put off enjoying life in many instances. I came home from work tired and rather than going out and meeting people and trying to get a relationship going I just turned on the TV set and went to bed early so I could get back to work the next day.
Now the recession is going strong and I haven't been able to find a job in three years. I'm not quite old enough to retire but what the heck, I decided to retire sooner and just put up with a more modest retirement, decided to accept that I'll have to live pretty frugally and pinch pennies. But I believe that being less stressed and having more time to enjoy the simple things in life could be as important as being well financed. What good is more money if getting it stresses me into an early grave? That's what it has been doing, and the rat race of Los Angeles traffic all the crowds haven't helped matters.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt
By the way Lovehound, where is it that you want to move? I'm just curious. I like California, but haven't spend much time in LA. Mostly San Diego and San Fran.... love it but way to expensive.
Part of my reason for moving is that I believe California is going to have a financial meltdown. I don't want to be here and suffer all the grief when they have to shut down major services, and when they have to substantially raise taxes to pay for all the public debt and public employee retirement commitments they've accumulated. You can read all about it in C-D's California forum section. So you see my situation is that I've ruled out California as a relocation target. I've lived my whole life right here in L.A. and one thing I want to experience is what it's like to live somewhere completely different.
I've just acquired a very nice 5th wheel trailer (more or less a one bedroom miniature apartment on wheels) and a pick-up to tow it. I hope to sell my house by perhaps March (put my possessions in storage) and then I'm hitting the road and intend to spend a few weeks here, few weeks there, sometimes visiting cities that I might want to live in, sometimes visiting national parks and similar camping areas just for fun. My plan is open end. I presume I'll decide on a new place to live and then either rent or buy a house there. I presume I'll know what I like when I see it.
I like the US Southwest. I want to get out of earthquake territory but I don't want to go so far as to get into hurricane country. I like NM and CO as far as up to just east of the Rocky Mountains (perhaps Boulder CO or Santa Fe NM, etc.). I don't want to go so far north that I can expect snow cover on the ground all winter long. I really like AZ but all the places I've seen are too hot (Phoenix area), too cold (Flagstaff), too boring (Prescott) or too expensive (Sedona). I really love UT but feel that my socialization could be limited because I'm not religious. I think I should explore OR and WA because I've spent very little time there. Not so sure about NV (Vegas is not my thing). Finally, perhaps I should have a look at TX.
So you see I don't have a very good idea of where I'm going, but with my plan to drift around in my pickup truck and 5th wheel trailer I don't really need any plan, and honestly I don't see how I won't have a damned good time!
So my advice to you is that if you and hubby can agree on it, put your house up for sale and see if it sells. If it sells and you're not quite sure where to move to, rent in your present city until you can make up your mind, and take vacations to various places you think you might want to relocate to. If your house doesn't sell then at least you'll feel like you're doing something and you may perhaps not feel as trapped and depressed.
Hello again Lovehound. Thank you for taking the time to respond and explain your situation. It seems we do have some similar things going on. I hope we can both find ways to get rid of the depression of being STUCK... and I agree with you about the earlier retirement. It's time to start "living", it sounds to me like you have paid your dues.
When hubs and I talked this past weekend about when to get a real estate broker we agreed very early Spring. My version of very early is like after the holidays, lol... he initially was thinking April/May... but lately I think he is truly seeing my unhappiness/desperation so he seems willing to get this thing going as fast as we can, within reason. I hope to have a RE agent on board sometime in late Feb.
On fixing up the house... hmm.. been thinking about that a lot lately too. I'm looking forward to getting some advice from the RE agent, but I'm thinking we won't spend much in the way of cosmetics, just make sure the main foundation type things are in tact. For example, we need new carpeting, but why get something I like -- which would be the cheapest version I could find since I'm not staying.. when the new owner would probably want to pick their own thing? Like I said we have to get some advice, and we'll do what we have to do. You are right that action will help the depression. I've been cleaning out closets and clearing away junk that won't be needed for weeks, and even that helps.
My problem is it just can't happen fast enough, and I hate this cold. Really hate this cold. Did I mention I hate the cold? Uugh.
Now your plan with the trailer sounds wonderful. What a great idea to check out new areas and have an adventure for yourself. In fact, you could even start taking trips now if there is no job to hold you back. Why not hit the road and get the heck out of LA right now just to energize your spirit and do a little "test run"? I'd be "nesting" in that trailer and making every inch of it perfect
I've never been anywhere out West except San Diego and San Fran.... but I hear so many nice things about the areas you mention. I have a friend who lives in CO and he told me it is always bright and sunny. That was the first thing he noticed when moving from this area, which is most always dreary and cloudy.
Have you spent much time on the East Coast? We want to go to the panhandle area of FL. Not too hot and beautiful beaches.
My husband is not opposed to moving, and we've discussed a few places in Florida that we both like. I know I could get a job in those areas, and we're pretty close to retirement age so he is ready (or so he tells me) to leave the business and let his brother run things while he is in Florida, where he could also get a job. We could both work part time and still do okay financially. Our biggest challenge as I see it is selling our home here. People just aren't buying and that scares me.
Last night we were talking and he said it could take "a couple years" to sell the house so I have to hang in there. My heart sank. Is it possible to hate an area so much that a couple years can throw a person into a deep depression?
I hate the cold, I feel like a prisoner in my own home. We live in a nice home but it is out in the sticks so to speak, not many neighbors around... it's rather isolated. Because of that, and my changing jobs with the temp agency I haven't made many friends here.... yeah I'm in a rut, and feel kind of pathetic whining on a message board.
I think the reasons I did is 1) I wonder if anyone else has felt so stuck in an area they hated that it brought on significant depression, and 2) because of that should I try to fast track this move somehow, and if so HOW can I do it??
Something else.... if I was in my 20's... the time in life when one thinks they have all the time in the world left to live... I don't think I would feel the same intense sense of urgency. But we're both 50ish. My own father never saw 60... so I have this sense that time could be running out. For each day I spend here miserable, I'm also giving up a day where I could/should be happy.
Can anyone relate to this?
By the way Lovehound, where is it that you want to move? I'm just curious. I like California, but haven't spend much time in LA. Mostly San Diego and San Fran.... love it but way to expensive.
GrainOfSalt, I say move. You sound very reasonable, so I'm sure you'll get all of your ducks in a row first, but if your location and circumstances are dragging you down, then I say make a fresh start elsewhere. Life is short, and there are lots of nice people everywhere, not to mention better job opportunities, from the sound of it. I've moved several times in my life. I'm younger than you, so it's probably been easier for me to do so, but at the same time, it's never been easy. You always have to make new friends, figure out what you like to do in the new place, decide where to live within the city, etc. But trust me, you'll thank yourself for doing it.
I grew up in the Midwest and understand, at least to an extent, what you're talking about. I left long ago to see what else was out there, and I haven't been disappointed. This is a great country (I'm not some brainless patriot, but living on both coasts and in points between has increased my pride in our cool country). So I would encourage you to move. It's only going to get more and more competitive to fit into cities going forward, since there's a lot of research that says (and I don't mean to be bleak here) that someday in the not-too-distant future in the U.S., the vast majority of people will live clustered in cities while swathes of the country in between (read: much of the Midwest) will be empty. It's just the way things are headed. Coastal city life isn't a panacea, but at least it's where the jobs are, and you can take day trips out to the country if you can't afford to travel. You've worked hard and done everything that's been asked of you. Start enjoying life. I'm sending you good vibes.
Grainofsalt.
Every move has the potential of being successful or a disaster. Have you spent any good amount of time in the part of Florida you would like to move to?
Is it possible that the brother could handle the business on a temp basis of say a year and you and hubby could rent out the house for a year lease, move to a rental in an area you like and do a trial run to see if it's what you really want before making all those changes permanant?
I've been doing a lot of thinking and my resolution for 2011 is to fast track our move as much as possible, I think I have answered my own question for myself, that location DOES matter.... very much. The midwest is not for me, it's time to get moving.
I have been getting info on real estate agents in my area, and right after Jan 1 I will be making the calls to find out what all we need to do to get our home on the market asap.
I've been having some good talks with my hubs and it seems the MAIN thing that will hold us here is the sale of our house, because he is positioned pretty well to leave the (local) running of the business to his brother. Apparently he has been giving it more thought than I realized. That was a relief because this being his home town, he has always been more tolerant of living here, and I worried that might slow things down. For me I'm pretty much at my wits end. I flat out HATE it here. I know hate is a strong word, but that's what it has morphed into, I see now we should have been talking about this years ago.
Anyhow.... Misplaced to answer your question- yes we have spent time in FL where we want to move, in fact last August we made an offer on a short sale condo. We are still waiting to hear from the bank on that one, but even if that doesn't work out we are very confident about the area... we both fell in love with the place the first time we went there for vacation about a year ago.
Looking back, it was that first vacation that set the wheels in motion for me..... that mental urgency to move to a new area.
Has anyone ever fallen in love with an area and decided right then.... I need to move here!??
Has anyone ever fallen in love with an area and decided right then.... I need to move here!??
Yes, sort of. My dad had a timeshare, a beautiful place in the mountains of NC. I visited several times and fell in love with it. Later when I had an opportunity to move just about anywhere that area was at the top of my list.
After looking at it a little deeper and deciding that NC didn't quite meet my needs I eventually moved to an area in the mountains of east TN just an hour away. I still have that 'feel' I had in NC, but this area is not quite as isolated, has some bigger towns, and a lower COL. Best thing I've ever done, and I love it here!
On a side note, it's interesting to see some of the threads people post after they move someplace and find out that it doesn't have some of the amenities they had back "home" and they are often very upset.
Some of the things I've noticed people are surprised about after moving to this area of TN are that it's not very progressive or liberal, there isn't much in the way of upscale gated communities, there is a lack of organic food stores, fresh quality seafood is not readily available, and there are lots of people living in mobile homes. We also had a poster who was unhappy to discover that he had a very hard time finding doctors that would accept new medicare patients after he moved here.
I guess what I'm trying o make a point of is that even if you fall in love with a place during a visit make sure you thoroughly research the things that are important to you, so that you don't wind up shocked or disappointed by what you find when you actually live there.
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We also had a poster who was unhappy to discover that he had a very hard time finding doctors that would accept new medicare patients after he moved here. 
