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Old 11-10-2011, 10:42 AM
Status: "Be yourself. What's the alternative?" (set 16 days ago)
 
8,675 posts, read 10,831,402 times
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Cold feet and understandable. Moving into a home and all of what goes w/ it is stressful. But, it'll settle down once some time passes and you see that you can handle it. An increase in responsibility is always an increase in stress.
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Old 11-10-2011, 12:30 PM
 
1,567 posts, read 578,242 times
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Smile Is the location close to kids' school and friends?

Is the new home in the same school district as where the kids are currently attending? In a couple of years they will want to be at Friday night football games with their friends, so hopefully the new home is close to their school and friends.

Is the new home a reasonable commute to your job and to your other family members, like your parents [kids grandparents], aunts, uncles, cousins ? Friends ?

Is the new home in a location where you can easily commute to a new job if you get laid off from your present one [i.e. not way off in a corner of the metro area]?

How much will the landscaping and window covering costs be for the new home?

Will you and the kids be able to walk to anything from the new home? School, stores, restaurants, part-time job ? Bus stop ? Library ? Park ? If not, do you expect your budget/salary will keep up with the cost of rising fuel costs ?

Sometimes someone will have a long term rental available in a condominium or townhouse community where there are nice amenities like a pool and exercise room that the kids may enjoy. It is not a crime to rent ! Maybe you just need a new location close to where you already are living.

Just some things to think about.

Keep us posted and let us know what you decide.

Good luck - Things will work out!
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Old 11-10-2011, 02:39 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stillkit View Post
Whose well-being comes first? Yours? Or, your kids?

You're probably going through a period of depression from the divorce and, when I found myself in similar straits, the most effective remedy I found was to concentrate on the welfare of someone else.
I've struggled with depression for the last 10-15 years, no question. It intesifies with a move, always has. Your advice is good...focus on others...even if they're ungrateful teenagers

Quote:
Doing for others, plus physical exercise, are the best medicines for depression. Buy the house and go walking every day. Focus on something else, ANYTHING else but your problems.
I do lift weights and exercise religiously...hate to think where I'd be without it.
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Old 11-10-2011, 02:49 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by breeinmo. View Post
Lots of home buyers get cold feet, but your situation sounds like its more than that. I agree with the poster who said you might be depressed. Did you, or do you have any love for the new house? Did you say "wow" when you 1st saw it? If not, maybe this is nothing more than you settled for the wrong house for you & the kids. Did you look at a lot of houses?
yeah, i know cold feet is very common, and i'm definitely a cold feet kinda guy. depression is an issue.

i have looked at a lot of houses...and wound up settling on this one, which is new construction, a little more than i wanted to spend, but still doable. i guess i said "wow" a little bit when i saw it. i mean, it was nice, new, etc. i didn't have visions of the kids and i in it, but i'm not that kind of person. it's a nice new neighborhood...and a couple of miles away from my ex (which troubled me at first but now i think i'm over that).

Quote:
Or is it that you fear leaving the apartment life. Having so many neighbors that you feel are more "like" you and have a lot in common with. Are you worried you'll be the only single among nothing but families? I get that, as you dont have your kids full time, so might worry being alone in a big house. All I can offer for advice is that the house WILL be better for your kids. No child wants to share a bedroom with a parent at that age. And if your looking for a g/f or future wife, you having a house will make you a better catch.
good points here...insightful. even though i've had to put up with the typical apartment challenges (noisy neighbors), i feel a weird sort of comradery with them.

anyway, the house is not huge by most peoples' standards, but big to me. i'm an aspiring minimalist so it does seem "extravagant" in a way, though it's not to most.

i agree, this will be good for my kids. i want my son to have his own room...he's been great through this, but i want him to have his own room.


Quote:
I dont mean that the woman will want your assets, but owning your own home makes you appear more stable. So if the problem isnt that you dont love the house, I'll bet your life will improve having your own home. If its just not the right house, yeah, get out of the deal. And dont even stress about the moving part...thats a small blip in time compared to the rest of your life. Good luck & I hope you keep us updated. I'm nos...I mean I hate wondering what happened to a poster.
knowing whether it's the right house or not exceeds my capabilties , but it does seem to make sense. my folks have seen it and they really liked it (compared to some others we saw)...and i value their input.
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Old 11-10-2011, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,187 posts, read 3,613,106 times
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Go with your gut feeling - if this isn't the right thing to do and this is not the right time - step away from it. All you will lose is some $ and the time you have invested. Your kids are 12 and 15 - realistically they will be "moving on" with their own lives in a few years, so don't rationalize the house as doing something for the kids. They have survived in an apartment living situation so far, gone through the divorce with you, and moved on after the g/f. Kids are flexible, but just being with you is the important thing, not the digs. If they know you love them and care about them, and their needs are being met, they will be OK. Owning a house is a huge responsibility. Who knows, you may decide to pick and move at some point and then have to worry about resale. It is a buyers market now, but sellers are having a hard time ..... it's basically up to you at this point. I would stay put for the time being and wait until you decide what you want for sure and then move forward. I do wish you the best.....
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:03 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyhockGarden View Post
Is the new home in the same school district as where the kids are currently attending? In a couple of years they will want to be at Friday night football games with their friends, so hopefully the new home is close to their school and friends.
it's in the same community as my ex-wife. i've lived in the community before. it's a suburb, 15 minutes north of the city. the kids are in private school, so that's not an issue at thie time

Quote:
Is the new home a reasonable commute to your job and to your other family members, like your parents [kids grandparents], aunts, uncles, cousins ? Friends ?
yeah it's reasonable, about 15 minute commute to work. i don't have family here other than my kids. friends? what are those?

Quote:
How much will the landscaping and window covering costs be for the new home?
well, basic landscaping was included (sod front and back, shrubs and a tree). window coverings and refrigerator will be initial expenses i incur.

Quote:
Will you and the kids be able to walk to anything from the new home? School, stores, restaurants, part-time job ? Bus stop ? Library ? Park ? If not, do you expect your budget/salary will keep up with the cost of rising fuel costs ?
walking won't really be an option. it's suburban life. and the city where i am is very spread out anyway. i live in town now but walking is not really much of an option here either. i shouldn't have much of an increase in fuel costs.

Quote:
Sometimes someone will have a long term rental available in a condominium or townhouse community where there are nice amenities like a pool and exercise room that the kids may enjoy. It is not a crime to rent ! Maybe you just need a new location close to where you already are living.
i've looked at so many things. my realtor is at her wits' end . townhomes/condos are more expensive than where i am now by a couple hundred dollars/month (same amount more than my house payment will be too). i WOULD like to stay in town...but i haven't found much in my price range that seems great for my situation.
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Old 11-10-2011, 06:08 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,119 posts, read 9,071,114 times
Reputation: 11540
Quote:
Originally Posted by CFoulke View Post
Go with your gut feeling - if this isn't the right thing to do and this is not the right time - step away from it. All you will lose is some $ and the time you have invested. Your kids are 12 and 15 - realistically they will be "moving on" with their own lives in a few years, so don't rationalize the house as doing something for the kids. They have survived in an apartment living situation so far, gone through the divorce with you, and moved on after the g/f. Kids are flexible, but just being with you is the important thing, not the digs. If they know you love them and care about them, and their needs are being met, they will be OK. Owning a house is a huge responsibility. Who knows, you may decide to pick and move at some point and then have to worry about resale. It is a buyers market now, but sellers are having a hard time ..... it's basically up to you at this point. I would stay put for the time being and wait until you decide what you want for sure and then move forward. I do wish you the best.....
I totally agree with this and especially the part about the kids not caring where you live, as long as they get to spend time with you. The important thing here is not doing something just for someone else. Concentrate on you. Your kids will respect you more for that. Our society is a gimme gimme way of living and parents are feeling too guilty these days if they don't do every single thing for the kids. And age 12 and 15 is almost out the door. I might have a different opinion if they were 3 and 6, but they are on their way to adulthood.
Cancel the house and go with your instinct !!!
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Old 11-10-2011, 08:22 PM
 
5,702 posts, read 16,180,463 times
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My parents divorced when I was a preteen. My dad had a little apartment and didnt want to buy a house. After a couple of years my brother and I dreaded going to his place. Sometimes we would get out of it. There wasn't anything to do and the sleeping arrangements sucked. He finally bought a house when I was 19 and by that time we weren't spending weekends with him anymore.

I suffer from depression as well and I know that even the most joyful things tend to turn gray. I say focus on this new chapter in your life. Maybe a few house projects will keep your mind off of things and look toward the future. Sometimes with depression, not making any sort of changes feels more comfortable because it requires less work. I think the house is a good thing.
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Old 11-10-2011, 08:34 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhxBarb View Post
I totally agree with this and especially the part about the kids not caring where you live, as long as they get to spend time with you. The important thing here is not doing something just for someone else. Concentrate on you. Your kids will respect you more for that. Our society is a gimme gimme way of living and parents are feeling too guilty these days if they don't do every single thing for the kids. And age 12 and 15 is almost out the door. I might have a different opinion if they were 3 and 6, but they are on their way to adulthood.
Cancel the house and go with your instinct !!!
i think you guys are zeroing in on the issue at hand...the struggle between doing what i think my kids need and what i'm comfortable doing myself. hence the back and forth in my mind and emotions...

it's tough.

btw, my closing got pushed back to the 18th, so another week of agony perhaps awaits.
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:13 PM
 
16 posts, read 16,206 times
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Default just an update

i'm still weighing things out. pros and cons seem to be about equal, but i think it comes down to how much weight i give my own feelings/gut instinct and the feeling that it'll be good for the kids.

just to clear up...i'm not thinking i'll rent long term. but i went out to the house today and honestly had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. the house seems too much (money and space)...i keep coming back to that.
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